14: The Ultimate Comedy of Space-Time
The Doctor was nearly motionless. His arms were out by his side, and his only movement was his thumbs sliding over his fingers as he was processing what he was seeing. The creature in front of him, Funnybot, patiently waiting for him to say something.
Stan didn't like the awkward silence hanging in the air. When it became obvious to him that the Doctor wasn't going to speak, Stan stepped forward slightly to begin the conversation. That's, of course, when the Doctor took a bigger step forward and spoke.
"Funny…bot? You've given yourself a name?" The Doctor walked around the Dalek, studying it front to back.
"I am Funnybot," the mechanical creature before him said, it's voice slightly more retrained sounding than most Daleks. This one's voice didn't seem to be screaming, but rather, simply delivering. The Doctor continued walking around the Dalek until he arrived at the front of it again.
"Yes, so you said. Why have you given yourself a name?" The Doctor said, staring much closer to Funnybot than before.
"The Germans gave me this designation."
"The Germans?" The Doctor said, surprised. Kyle, from behind the Doctor, spoke.
"The Germans made Funnybot to be some sort of comedy machine thing. His whole gimmick was setting up jokes that were awkward."
The Dalek spoke. "I was to take comedy to the next level. It was to be the logical conclusion to comedy. The German's found me, and rebuilt me. They did not create me. But then these boys taught me. They taught me that comedy is not logical."
The Doctor tilted his head to the side, as if studying the Dalek form a different angle would reveal what was really going on. It didn't help.
"Why comedy then, Funnybot? You are a Dalek, aren't you?" the Doctor asked.
"Because. It is funny," the creature said, flatly.
"What is?" The Doctor asked. Out of sight behind him, a creature walked up to Stan and Kyle and stood beside them, simply listening to the Doctor and the Dalek.
"Dude…" Stan said softly, trying to get the Doctor's attention.
"Oh my God… dude, it's…" Kyle said.
Meanwhile, the Dalek answered the Doctor's question. "It is comedy, how Daleks are always wiped out, and then we always come back. It is always awkward. You think you've destroyed us, but then we come back. Again. And again. And again. It is like poor television writing when writers only have stale ideas and need big ratings. It is the ultimate comedy of space-time. The Doctor and the Daleks. Awkward. Forever. It is a joke."
The Doctor frowned and his eyebrows furrowed. His usually excitable demeanor was replaced with a studious one. This Dalek was so perplexing, that he simply did not know how to react. More questions were in order.
"Dude," Stan said, a little more force in his voice, as he started pointing at the creature between them.
"So why aren't you trying to kill me then, Dalek? Once and for all, here I am," The Doctor raised his hands, to show he was unarmed. "Why not try to exterminate me?"
"If the Doctor dies, the joke ends. If Daleks die, then the joke ends. The joke must be allowed to continue."
The Doctor let the last sentence from he Dalek sink in before he clapped his hands and smiled, a little bit of color returning to his voice. He leaned forward and smiled.
"Ah, very good Dalek, you figured out the joke. Now tell me: When did you figure out the joke?"
"I learned of the great cosmic joke after returning from the time vortex." The Dalek said.
"Dude!" both Stan and Kyle shouted, finally getting the Doctor's attention.
The Doctor spun around to address them, looking irritated. "What!?"
Stan spoke first. "Dude, it's fucking ManBearPig. It's real!" Kyle pointed to the creature as if he were on a game show.
"Oh that." The Doctor nodded. "That's just a Pigslave. The Daleks create them to do their bidding. Now if you'll excuse me, Cleverbot and I are having a fantastic conversation."
"I am not Cleverbot! Cleverbot is dumber than -Rosie O'Donnell's snatch- after drinking -not nearly enough bleach-. I am Funnybot!"
The Doctor shook his head. That sentence made no sense to him. Was that a joke? This poor Dalek, it truly had an awful sense of humor.
Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle gaped at the creature standing beside them.
"He was right…" Kyle said softly, a tone of sadness in his voice. "Al Gore… He was right all along. ManBearPig was real. We just didn't want to believe him. We didn't listen."
"Right, sorry there Funnybot," The Doctor said, rocking on his heels again. "So you were in the Time Vortex?"
"Funnybot was in the Time Vortex. I was trying to retrieve the lost Dalek's from the Medusa Cascade. But I was unable to. I spent much time in the Vortex. Thousands of years, bouncing through space-time, glimpsing into the final reality of the Universe. Only to be deposited here."
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "And what is the final reality of the Universe, Funnybot?"
"The Doctor and the Daleks are awkward. It is greatest comedy ever. It is awkward."
"Ah," The Doctor nodded, trying to hide his skepticism, but it obviously would show through to any human. "So you were deposited here on Earth. What of the Time Vortex?"
"The rift in the Time Vortex is still open. It is now controlled by other creatures. Creatures not part of the final reality. Creatures not in on the greatest joke."
"And who are they, Dalek? Who are these creatures?"
The Dalek's eye looked down, as if it were thinking. Then it looked back up. "I do not remember."
"I was afraid you were going to say that," The Doctor said, a knowing chill surrounding the words as they softly whispered from his mouth. The Doctor raised his eyebrows again, trying to act cheerful for the Dalek. "So then, Funnybot: Where is this rift?"
Funnybot turned it's head to look at Stan, who was still standing behind the Doctor. "Funnybot detected electromagnetic waves before your arrival. Funnybot tracked them. The electromagnetic waves were relayed from the location of the rift, to a satellite, and back to his mobile device," Funnybot said, his plunger-like appendage pointing to Stan.
"What?" Stan said, not understanding what Funnybot meant.
"He means your phone, Stan. Wait… oh fuck."
The Doctor spun towards Stan. He took a few urgent steps towards him and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Stan, I'm so sorry. I should have listened. Your friend is in trouble. Where is he?"
Kyle spoke up. "Last I heard, Butters was on his way to school. he was going to go pick Tweek up though, and walk to school with him."
"My bet is your friends didn't make it to school," The Doctor said, grimly.
AN: To anyone still reading this story, thank you! With as infrequently as I update this story, I probably don't deserve any loyal followers, but alas, there's a few of you out there. Thank you! There will be more, hopefully in a timely manner, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep!