For the past few days, Brittany has been feeling... off. Like she's lost something so dear to her. She can't exactly pinpoint what it is nor can she explain it but she feels like an ocean had made a home in her heart, hiding and burying that something that Brittany has been missing terribly. And no matter how much she swims. No matter how much she could resurface to breathe, she feels herself being thrown down back into the depths of the unknown as she searches for whatever it is she seems to be losing. She hopes that whatever it is would find its way back to her.
Because she's missing it greatly.
The restlessness and unknown feeling welling up inside her, plaguing her for days, that she hardly sleeps.
If only she could find it.
If only she knows what is it she's missing then maybe she'd stop feeling like everything around her was closing in on her.
Whatever she's feeling is definitely throwing her off her game. She lacks the bounce in her steps. Even Kyle had noticed her lack of perkiness as he sparingly gives her looks of concern during class. It was a sweet sweet gesture that Brittany would normally have appreciated but every time she brings herself to be happy about it, she can't. Maybe it was because every time she averts her eyes away from Kyle who was looking at her with this look she's seen in countless of movies, she would see the empty desk beside her, and all too suddenly the ocean she feels herself in just got a little more deeper than before.
She sighs unwillingly, because there she was again, back into that cycle of remembering the girl she's been trying so hard not to think about. So far it only lasted her a second. A new record for her to be honest.
As much as she forces herself not to think about the girl, she always ends up being back to where she started. Its like every time her mind wanders it goes directly to the brunette. Though she tries to catch herself before it happens it was still hopeless. Her mind seems to be all Santana, Santana, Santana. Even in between her thoughts, where dreams and reality barely collides, it was still Santana, Santana, Santana.
In truth she just misses Santana. Which was weird because she should have been use to this. Eight years of missing the girl should have surely trained her feelings. But she thinks it was a lot easier back then because the brunette wasn't within her reach. Santana was many miles away from her that missing her was logical. But now, she lives close to the girl. They're a house away, a desk away, sometimes even a step away that the feeling of missing the girl should have long been gone.
But why is it still there?
She still finds herself missing Santana. She just misses her all the time. Maybe even more so than before.
It bothers her because even if they are physically living close by, they might as well not be because she hasn't seen the girl in days. Not even a glimpse of her hair or a shadow of her body. It worries her and it scares her because this time around she knows Santana is not avoiding her.
She tried looking for the brunette but she only ended up feeling lost herself.
Where would she start to look?
She would have laugh at herself if she wasn't too sad about it. Because aren't people who does the finding be the ones who actually finds the thing that was lost and not be the ones who ends up getting lost themselves? She can't even begin to think of places where the girl would be, and it saddens her so much because back then she knew all the secrets and corners of Santana's hiding places.
She'd be the first to find her.
But even with her relentless search, she somehow can't be blessed enough by fate to find Santana.
It frustrates her because she just wanted to see her. Because maybe the treasure she's been looking for lives within the brunette. After all, the girl has enough mysteries buried inside her that Brittany won't be surprise with what she finds in there. Maybe if she could look at those brown eyes again, with all the secrets and mysteries it holds, maybe she'll finally figure out the thing she's been missing so dearly.
If only she could find her.
But days have passed and she keeps waiting aimlessly by her desk as she hopelessly looks between the door and the unoccupied desk beside her, wishing for Santana to come bursting through the door, swooping her breath away just like last time, as the brunette strides to the desk beside her. But that all too wishful thinking of encountering Santana never comes.
Eventually, she cracked from her endless worries and asked Quinn about Santana's whereabouts, expecting an answer that could hopefully ease her concern, but only to get a response that it was normal for the girl to disappear for a few days and that she was probably off with someone. It only made the uneasiness inside of Brittany to multiply.
Maybe that's the reason why she's out walking in the middle of the night, heading to the 24 hour convenience store, getting some fresh air that she badly needed because laying sleeplessly in her bed did nothing but made her think of the girl even more.
She thought about how maybe if she had something both cold and endlessly sweet, like ice cream, very much like Santana, then maybe she'll feel like herself again. Like her heart would go back in all the right places. That maybe when she eats an ice cream, smooth and soft like Santana, then maybe those soft flutters in her belly would come back instead of this gnawing feelings she's been having. And maybe, just maybe, if she could have those sweetness, she'd be able to convince her body enough to resemble that feeling that she gets being with Santana- floaty and giddy. Cause maybe then she can stop missing the girl so much.
It still baffles her how much of a hold the brunette has on her. Although the girl has gotten a little more tolerable, she still gets under her skin. Because whenever she's with Santana, she's relax and comfortable that it feels so amazing that she thinks a little piece of heaven had just graced her, but sometimes, she feels so uneasy and so unsure of herself that this whole ocean she feels right now seems to double in size. Talking to the brunette makes her heart beat like crazy and her tummy all funny like she ate some cloud or something equally light and fluffy, but at the same time, talking to the girl floods her with this calmness that she's sure would calm even the nastiest storm. It was like Santana knew ways to open up these new emotions, so untamed, so wild and unpredictable and yet so enticing at the same time, that she can't even catch a breath long enough to understand it. But she wants to. More than anything, she wants to know the intricacy that lies beyond the alluring dark eyes that always seems to hold her captive. The very same eyes that always seems to meet hers, but never quite.
Its always never quite.
She's such a mess.
She shuts her eyes in frustration trying to bring herself back in reality. She barely remembers how she even got to the store and how right now she's standing by the freezer, taking a tub of ice cream -chocolate.
She doesn't even question why picks that flavour because she knows why. As much as it reminded her of the latina, she kinda wishes the ice cream wasn't too creamy, too light in colour, because it doesn't quite resemble the brown eyes that she wanted.
"Is that all for you today?" A man in his late fifties, maybe even more, grins at her breaking her from her own thoughts. She shakes her head quickly clearing the clouds that had formed in her head.
"Yeah please. Just this one," she smiles at the old man, whom she can see from his name tag is named Karl. "How much would it be?"
He looks at her with a glint in his greying eyes, "Oh no dear. Don't worry about it. I'll give it to you for free."
"I can't do that," she shakes her head, reluctant of the offer. "I can pay," she says, fishing out her wallet. She really hopes he wasn't offering the ice cream for free because he thinks she's some drunken teenager that happens to stumble upon his store this late at night and he just so happen to feel sorry for her.
"Call it a welcome gift to Lima."
"Oh...Uhm..-," she started before she was interrupted by a familiar voice. A voice that resonates down to her toes, immediately halting her from whatever it was she was about to say.
"Out for a midnight stroll?"
She feels that flip in her stomach before she could even catch it.
She quickly turns, heart beating fast. Sometimes she thinks Santana's fingerprint were etch in her heart that's why it seems to be kicking intensely in her chest, ready to to go to the direction of the girl she had missed so much.
She misses her so much it hurts.
Once she sees her, her eyes widen almost as if her body wants to take everything that is Santana. She stares adoringly at the girl she has been hoping to see. The giddiness that often accompanies her when she sees the latina soon took over that she could feel herself practically jumping off her feet. And before she knows it a delighted smile graces her face as she thanks her lucky stars because somehow they heard her prayers and she's now seeing Santana.
Santana with her hair off to the side falling gracelessly down her right shoulder that makes her stomach flip over and over, again and again. Santana with her endless ways of showing up in the least places she expects, surprising her in the best way possible, making her oh so breathless. Santana with her brown eyes, just the right kind of brown that sets a fire inside of her every time the brunette looks at her. She feels all warmed up inside that she thinks it'll shame the sun if it could feel what she feels whenever Santana is around.
She's convinced she must be dreaming because having the brunette suddenly appear in front of her, just when she's about to lose hope, was simply too good to be real.
There were so many questions she wanted to ask. So many things she was dying to know like, "Where have you been San? What are you doing here? Do you know how worried I was?", but her heart can't seem to slow down enough that she keeps her mouth shut in fear that as soon as she opens them, her heart would jump right out of her throat and would go straight away to where it belongs.
It was good that Santana didn't even let her answer as the brunette took a hold of her, tugging her by her arm, eliciting a small gasp from the electricity she feels buzzing throughout her body. She didn't missed the way Santana glared at the old man in the cashier who's eyes were curiously looking to them, mostly at the brunette, as the girl leads her out of the store. It was endearing in its own way that her heart may have broke out of her chest right there and then.
As soon as they were outside, Santana immediately drops her arm making her instantly miss the girl's touch. The electricity she felt died down a bit but she can still feel the little prickles tickling her skin.
But she forgets it all together when the brunette turns and deep dark eyes meets blue.
For a second, the brunette looks at her confused and bewildered, but the look was gone just as quick as it came that she thinks she might have just imagined it all. Because now the girl was looking at her with this unreadable expression she couldn't decipher.
She's a mystery to her.
And my god does she ever wish she could figure out that mystery that lay between those eyes that captured hers.
Because if she could, maybe then she could finally understand this feelings that had started growing inside of her.
She really wishes she can gather up all her wishes, used up or not, from 11:11's to the number of pennies and quarters she'd thrown on fountains and wells, just so she could figure out Santana enough to find some answers.
But all she finds is the distance that had grown between them. Even when the girl is standing two feet from her, unawarely looking at her with this lingering glint in her eyes that shines like little burst of galaxies, she felt that the brunette was farther to her now than back when she couldn't find her.
"Care to explain?"
Santana's raspy voice broke their silence making her blink away the fuzziness that had once more formed in her head.
"I was getting some ice cream," she explains slowly. She thought it was kinda obvious seeing that there was a tub of ice cream on the counter when the latina saw her. "Which I may add, I didn't get to have since you suddenly dragged me out."
Truthfully, she didn't care much about the ice cream. Not when she already feels like she had just gotten the best ice cream flavour in the world. Not when she already has something much much better than ice cream right in front of her.
The brunette looks at her inquisitively, studying her. Her dark brown eyes were darker and much more mysterious than any of the other times she had seen it, that she wishes she could paint colours inside the darkness that lingers within the girl. But the more she looks at the once brighten universe she saw a second ago, the more she feels like she's chasing over a shadow.
"And you couldn't have fucking waited until the morning?"
Santana knew her voice was strained and even she herself could hear the pure irritation in her words. She doesn't know what irritates her more, seeing the blonde this late at night or seeing the blonde this late at night.
Its like she wants to see her. But she didn't want to see her. She wants to hold her close. But she didn't want to take one step closer.
She's losing her mind.
Truth was, she was driving across the street on her way to a party that Riley kept insisting she goes when she surprisingly sees blondie heading inside the convenience store. She doesn't know what motivated her to even turn her car around and drive towards the place she knew the blonde would be. She didn't know what motivated her to walk in on that musky beat up store just so she could see the girl, because god knows it's the last thing she wanted to do.
But she ended up doing just that.
She tells herself she needed some good karma. That this is probably the nicest she'll ever be, meaning she had maxed out on all her niceness for the whole year. She's sure if Jewfro got a whiff of this, he'd practically be calling her the new Mother Theresa, the lesbian version.
But really though, she figured that no matter how cold and heartless she is, no matter how indifferent she is to other people's feelings, she still had a little soul left in her. Because a part of her didn't want blondie alone in the most dangerous streets of Lima, especially with that old guy at the counter who probably had one vodka drink too many that he thinks it's somehow okay to keep hitting on girls half his age.
Like gross.
So excuse her for immediately marching down the store as soon as she haphazardly parks her car, ready to go all Lima Heights on his sorry wrinkly ass. But her Snixx mode faltered considerably when she sees the look of pure genuine happiness playing on the blonde's face when the girl had turned around upon hearing her voice. The reaction surprises her that she momentarily forgets why she was even there in the first place.
She couldn't remember the last time anyone was this happy to see her that it confuses her so much because who in their right mind would be happy to see Santana Lopez?
Hell no one would be. So why is she?
A happy emotion starts to creep on her slowly inch by inch that she starts to wonder if the blonde was kind enough to placed it in there.
Before she even had a chance to explore her thoughts, she was once more surprised. She really didn't expect to be yet again caught off guard so quickly, (not when she still hasn't quite gotten over the first one), when she fully sees the blonde after dragging her out the store and away from the creeper who won't stop staring. The blonde looks so simple, with her black shorts and rainbow etched baggy t-shirt, that if she didn't know the girl she'd think she had just sleepwalked her way to the store. But despite how simple the blonde looks, she can't help but think the girl looks dazzling. It was mesmerizing in its own odd way that she feels her stomach ties into this knot.
How can someone like Brittany exist? It's just not possible.
She doesn't understand.
It was frustrating and the more she tries to figure it out, the more her feelings she had long locked up lurches out of her.
She wasn't ready for the way her lungs seems to have collapsed because she suddenly finds it hard to breathe the longer she looks at the girl. She wasn't ready for the way her eyes tries to memorize the way blonde looks, soaking her in, almost prodding into the secret those blue eyes has to offer. She wasn't ready for the way those blue eyes would look back at her, ready and willing to give away whatever secrets she has hiding in there.
If only she'd ask.
If only she'd take it.
But no. She wasn't ready at all.
Because all of it was simply too frightening. Especially with the way Brittany looks at her like she sees her differently, better, than she sees herself.
Everything suddenly seems too scary for Santana that she immediately - desperately - wants to extinguish this fire that the blonde had somehow ignited inside of her, because it was too much too suddenly that she's sure if she doesn't stop this feeling now she'll end up getting burned.
So she snapped. Her anger and frustration spilling over to the blonde causing the girl to unknowingly pout her lips making the knot inside her stomach twist a little tighter. She was so tempted to bring her fingers up to the blonde's lips just so she could smooth the pout away and maybe it'll soothe out whatever frustration she has along with it.
But she doesn't let her fingers move nor does her frustration disappears.
"Fuck," she hissed even more annoyed. She pinches the bridge of her nose hoping to release the tension that had built up inside her.
"Ugh. Never mind that. Where's your car?" She asked impatiently, wanting to end the conversation as fast as possible so that this warm confusing feelings that the blonde had started would soon go away.
"Its at home." Brittany bites her lips, hesitant to say the next few words. She's almost too sure knows how the girl would react, "I kinda just walked here."
"The fuck?" Santana scowls, pursing her lips, clearly looking displeased. "This is like a good 20 minutes walk from your house blondie."
The blonde shrugs lightly, "I thought I'd get some fresh air."
"Let me get this straight you wanted some ice cream so you decided to walk in the middle of the night looking like that?" Santana gestures towards the blonde, eyes narrowed up and down, making the tips of Brittany's ears turn pink. "Even more going to a sketchy place like this?" The girl pointed at the convenience store, which Brittany would admit could really use some major renovations. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Santana said exasperated as she tries to make sense of Brittany. Like she can't figure out if the blonde was smart enough or foolish enough to go out this late at night, all for a lousy ice cream.
Brittany playfully rolls her eyes at the way the brunette was acting. If she didn't know any better the girl was acting concern about her. She had to hold off a smile that was itching to come out. She doesn't think Santana would appreciate it much given the situation.
"This place is not too bad," she comments instead, hoping to ease the frown that had grown on the latina's face. Although the girl was still beautiful with her brows pushed together looking annoyed and angry, she can't help but think that a smiling Santana would be more beautiful. Once again, her eyes briefly scans the girl for the nth time, eyes softening and her cheeks warming. "Besides, you're wearing something much shorter than me San," she points before she frowns herself, "Maybe that's the reason why Mr. Karl kept looking at you."
"Who the fuck is Mr. Karl?" Santana asked confused. Her face scrunching cutely that Brittany momentarily forgets how the girl is upset at her.
"The nice guy in the convenient store," Brittany eases.
The brunette eyes her for a moment, "Something is seriously wrong with you".
For a second Brittany thinks so too because when Santana looks at her that way, she feels likes she's about to lose her mind. Plus, she's pretty sure the butterflies in her belly had grown exponentially that if she's not too careful, it'll escape right out from her.
"Have you even seen him? He wears flip flops with socks," Santana said both horrified and repelled at that mere notion. "For god sakes. Who the fuck wears that? That's like a crime of the century. My boobs literally aches with rage from its atrocity. I bet Berry has better fashion sense than that. I mean, you just don't trust those kind of people blondie. It's common knowledge. Don't they fucking teach you that kind of thing in LA? And on top of that he's almost as old as abuela and we both know that old lady is as old as shit. She was probably alive at the birth of Christ or something," Santana added thoughtfully as her eyes briefly glazed over in thought.
"He wasn't that bad if you get pass his socks," Brittany quips as she chuckles at how scandalous the girl thinks Mr. Karl's choice of wear was to the point that the Santana actually looks offended. "You know…he was going to give me a free ice cream."
"Yeah cause he probably wanted your ice cream. Pervy old asshole," Santana scoffs. "Why the fuck is he even still working? I'm sure he hit retirement age centuries ago."
"I didn't want his ice cream," Brittany said amused. She tilts her head slightly to meet the girl's eyes. Her blue eyes shining playfully as she gives the scowling brunette a toothy grin. "He was probably just being nice because he was happy that they let him leave the senior's home past his bed time."
"Oh please," Santana rolls her eyes but cracks a smile at her none-the-less, "Don't even bother defending Senior Fossilized over there. I don't even need to use my psychic Mexican third eye to sense what that old shit wanted. He was salivating worse than a tsunami."
"Maybe that's why he wear socks so his feet doesn't get wet."
The latina looks at her almost startled before she nods thoughtfully, "Yeah. You know what? I've never thought of that. That makes an awful lot of sense blondie."
"Of course it does," she replies as her mouth lifts into a knowing smile.
The latina shakes her head, smiling softly at her like she knew a little secret, "You little genius."
Brittany suddenly feel her face flush as she sheepishly looks away. Her heart beat strumming too loud. Its drowning out everything. Only Santana can speak so sweetly that makes her wonder how she ever thought that ice cream can replace the sweetness the girl gives her.
"Wait... What are you doing here?" She asked hoping to sway the attention, she had badly craved from Santana, away from her. It was too much that she feels a panic attack might soon take her.
Her question catches the girl off guard. Her demeanour momentarily faltering. "What?"
"What are you doing here?" She repeated patiently, as she takes a chance to meet the deep brown eyes.
Santana feels something tugs inside her chest once Brittany looks at her. The way her heart seems to be beating so fast, and the way she can't seem to get enough air around her, makes her think she's starting to have heart problems. Maybe she should really listen to the Faberry duo and cut down on her smoking.
"San?" Brittany softly calls her name. Her clear blue eyes peering into Santana, drawing her in like quicksand that the brunette couldn't seem to escape.
"Look blondie don't go around thinking I did you a favour by rescuing you from that perverted wrinkled up twinkie whose only hobby is to pawn on people like you who thinks the world is all fucking dandy and perfect. Cause believe me I would have kept driving and I'd be enjoying my time at a party if it wasn't for the way your blinding hair almost blinded me down the road. I'm surprised you haven't managed to permanently damaged anyone's eyes yet."
She knew her defence mechanism were up. Words dressed and disguised into sarcasm is always the best way to hide the truth. And if blondie here thinks she's lying, well its not her damn fault if she doesn't pick up on it.
Instead of seeing a hurt looking Brittany as she expected, she sees such gentleness -shimmering and sparkling- that she thinks it would swallow her whole. It feels like a whole new world had opened up right before her eyes and she can't help but be part of it. Her stomach is churning and clashing like waves against the shore, she can't seem to calm it.
She barely even breathes because Brittany has this soft gentle expression, much softer than she had ever seen before. And when their eyes meet, she sees those blue eyes patiently searching hers, seeking a clue, any clue, to what, she doesn't know. But whatever it was she knew the blonde couldn't find anything because she had long perfected this barrier she had created around her that nothing could penetrate it.
No one could get pass it.
But when the blonde looks at her that way, all sweet and understanding, like she's staring at her as if she was made up of stardust and if she blinks she'd be blown away into the night, it kinda makes her thinks that Brittany could see right through her. And when the blonde smiles bashfully at her like that, Santana thinks that the blonde sees more than she's letting on.
She really can't stand it.
"What?" She asked, folding her arms defensively from the eyes she is yet to escape from.
"I-," Brittany starts to say, but then stops. "I was just thinking how funny it would be to see you wearing sunglasses this time at night. With my hair all blinding and all."
Santana snorts, almost distracted from the twinkle of the blue sapphire staring fondly back at her. It's making her feel warm and funny. "We both know I'd definitely be rocking those sunglasses."
"You definitely would," Brittany grins before her face turns serious. "But San, where have you been? I mean you were gone for a while. I kept looking for you but I didn't know where to find you."
The unwanted feelings comes back to Santana, the one that seems to be growing and growing whenever she's with the blonde. She all wants to scream, "Then find me. Find me until you see me." But of course saying that would mean it would open up a whole new realm she didn't want to deal with, especially when she still hasn't quite figure out what the fuck she's feeling right now.
"I've just been around. Here and there," she says as she tries keeps her voice even, though it sounded shaky in her ears. She hopes the blonde doesn't hear it at least. She knew her lame ass excuse seems awful and vague compared to the honesty reflecting off the blonde's ever twinkling eyes but she couldn't care less.
"I-I thought I might go crazy because something feels so off inside of me whenever you're not around. It's like everything is so messy but now it's all clear."
Was it possible for someone as heartless as Santana to feel her heart swelling in all the right places?
Because she's sure the reason why her heart just grew in size was because it wanted to make more room for Brittany S. Pierce and all her sweetness.
A part of her wants to be happy. To allow herself to actually feel something for once because sometimes she doesn't feel like she's even alive. But then there are times she feels everything too much, all the bad feelings comes back, and she wishes she could just numb everything she feels.
"That's awfully sweet of you to say blondie. But.."
But like everything, she knows she can't have this. Not when its bound to only end in disaster. She promised herself she's never going to allow another person to take a hold of her heart only for them to break it. Especially not Brittany, who seems to have just wiggled herself in all the right places in her heart.
She knows the bigger the piece the blonde holds of her, the more painful it'll be when the eventual ending would come. It'll always ends the same.
She had learned that long ago when people started taking too much of her that she was left with nothing but scraps and pieces of herself barely enough to make a whole.
She knows once Brittany realizes her past, once Brittany truly see how cruel and heartless she was, and how much of a sinner, a mistake she is, she'll leave her.
Again.
After all, isn't that the reason why her very own mother had left her? Why the Abuela that she had loved oh so dearly had disowned her? Why her dad, the person she greatly looked up to growing up, barely recognizes her as his own daughter, in shame of the way she had tainted the Lopez's name? Isn't that what they whisper about her when she walks in the hallways thinking she couldn't hear them?
She doesn't think she can stand having another person added to that list. But she can't stand it even more if that person is Brittany because well, she's Brittany. She was the girl who once knew her. The girl who is endlessly forgiving, patiently understanding, and eternally beautiful. Maybe it was selfish of her to constantly push the girl as far away as possible just so she could protect herself from the inevitable pain. Maybe she really is what people say about her. Maybe that's why she wants Brittany to realize that she's not the same person the blonde remembers her to be. Maybe its because she doesn't want to taint anymore of those memories that the blonde seems to fondly have of her.
Its the only good thing she has got left.
Brittany would be able to continue on with her life with that memory of her, the good one, still intact.
And she'd be able to live with that.
Because as much as she hates it when Brittany looks at her that way, like she's someone much bigger than what people say about her, she'd hate it even more if she sees that look extinguished in the blonde's eyes. So isn't it better to just push the blonde away before that looks turns into something else? Because no matter how much she thinks of it, she doesn't think she can handle seeing the look of hate and disgust reflecting in those blue eyes.
That's why she constantly put this gap between them, although it's getting harder and harder because Brittany has this vibe around her that makes her want to throw out her inhibition, despite what her heart protest, and just be close with Brittany. Just like before. She feels inexplicably drawn to the blonde, which is scary in itself because she knows how easy it is for Brittany to do just that. That's why she wants the distance to always exist, so that no matter how much the blonde draws her close, she'll always have that space between them.
So close but never quite enough to make an impact.
Maybe in some ways Brittany is her saving grace. The only thing that gives light to Santana's dark dark world. A reminder of a once upon happiness she can never have. So she didn't want to ruin the only thing that makes her feel like she's herself again. And that its okay to be just so.
She better stop. She better stop.
It's better without feelings anyways.
Wasn't that her principle? That's why she never delved into that path.
So why is she considering it now?
"...But maybe you should take that as a sign that you really are crazy." She tears her gaze away from the sparkling blue eyes. Instead she focused her attention on the street light flickering dimly across from where they stand. It pales in comparison from the brightness in the blonde's eyes that for a second, she wanted to glance back just to see the brightness one last time before it all extinguishes from what she's about to say.
But she doesn't look back.
Because she knows what's coming next. She knows she would regret the next few words that would be perfectly executed out of her mouth like a poison ready to hurt. Despite her mind's warning, her tongue pays no heed and she found herself spilling the words that sounded venomous even in her own mouth. Words she'd never expected to say to her once upon a time childhood friend. "And maybe… While you are at it you should get that head of yours check, cause when will it get through to you that what I do is none of your concern anymore. Things have fucking changed blondie. You're no one but a stranger to me now. Like fuck. Don't you get that?"
She didn't wait to hear or see the sadness she know for sure is playing on the blonde face. Not when she knows she's responsible for placing it there because like last time Santana feels the heaviness inside her again. So with that she turns around, even more angry and frustrated at herself.
She was already a good few feet away when heaviness becomes too unbearable, she had to take a quick peek back. She sees Brittany squatting on the floor, knees drawn close together with her blonde hair cloaking her face.
She feels her stomach drop. Her heart can't seem to breathe.
Shit. She's not crying is she? She thought. Fucking god. She doesn't want to deal with this. It's blondie fault for being so pesky, and for relentlessly trying to break down this wall she mounted around her. But ugh why does she feel like she committed something much awful than wearing a god damn flip flops with socks.
She sighs heavily as she reluctantly heads back towards the blonde who's making her chest painfully throb the longer she looks at the crestfallen image of the girl.
"Look blondie," she started. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. But it's late and I do have my car with me. I'll give you a ride home," she mumbles. "So can you..uhh.. just stop crying."
"Hey San. Look!" Brittany looks up happily at Santana, eyes wide and bright.
What the fuck? The girls isn't even close to crying. She wasn't even sad, Santana thought. Can blondie be anything but full of surprises?
She really must be the crazy one.
She rolls her eyes at herself, giving in to the inevitable. She slowly squatted down besides the girl who was busy looking down in amazement at the beetles she had found on the street.
"Remember when we use to play with these?" Brittany hums.
Santana's eyes soften at the girl and a sweet smile graces her face. Of course she remembers. How could she forget? Especially when that little pesky part of her doesn't allow her to forget.
"You're really something," she whispers, repeating her words like last time, except this time her words were unintentionally laced with such tender affection that she feels the drumming in her chest doubles.
Despite Santana's soft voice Brittany still hears her. When the brunette says things like this, how can she stay irritated and mad at her? Things like this sometimes confuses Brittany because there are times when she goes around convincing herself that she should just forget about Santana because the girl doesn't seem to care about her and does nothing but push her away but then the next thing she knows Santana says something surprising that makes her question that maybe she's convincing herself wrong.
"I'm sorry," Santana said earnestly, breaking the silence that had developed between them. "For what I said earlier. I- I didn't mean much of it," she explains, earning her one of the best smile she has yet to receive from Brittany.
The loving smile playing in the blonde's face took refuge in Santana's eyes that she allowed herself to be swift away by the emotions she's been trying her best to ignore.
Maybe just for tonight.
Maybe just for this little while she can be Cinderella, and she can have her own little happiness before the clock strikes and the magic disappears and everything around her would turn back to tinder.
"It's okay," Brittany says simply in her all too forgiving ways.
Sometimes she wishes her feelings were as easy as the blonde.
"When we were kids we used to play like this. I remember wanting to spend my every waking moment that I could hanging out with you. Even when I'm not awake I still wanted to spend it with you because being with you just felt right. Even doing something as simple as looking at this," Brittany points at the beetles, "was a lot of fun. Maybe we have changed and maybe I don't know where you go and what you do. And maybe your favourite colour isn't what it was anymore and maybe you don't like playing with beetles as much as you used to and maybe I need to get my head check but for me, even if things had changed, being with you still feels the same. It always feels right. Being like this with you is still a lot of fun. Even if you're being...," Brittany meets her eyes, the small light from lamppost made her blue eyes glimmer more so than before. There was a playful glint in them but more so, she could see sincerity in the way Brittany speaks, "a brat."
The blonde scrunches her face adorably that she marvels at the way Brittany could look beautiful without even trying.
"I'm not a brat," she defended knowing full well she meant something else. But the heartfelt words Brittany was speaking to her was making her heart painfully beat so fast, her mind can't seem to catch up. Its making her head spin that she couldn't think properly.
Brittany lifts her eyebrows, looking at the girl with the 'really San' look.
Just like always, Santana feels herself giving in.
"Okay fine," she exhaled, rolling her eyes as she lifts her arms defeatedly. "Maybe I' am...," she mumbles, "Just a little bit."
She's suddenly not aware of anything but Brittany's laughter, so carefree it felt like it holds a new life on its own.
If it didn't sounded too much like what the creeper Jewfro would do, Santana would have totally recorded the blonde's laughter just so she can hear it again and again. Who is she kidding? That totally sounded plain ass creepy. But Brittany's laughter was just so pretty that she finally understands what those dumbass sailors felt like when they get lured into enhancement by these mythical sirens. Because that's exactly what she feels. Before she could have said anything like "your laughter is just too perfect", blue eyes catches hers again, her look more serious than the last but breathtaking none the less.
"I know its scary San. But you know whatever you do, it will always be my concern. It just is."
Everything the blonde says and everything she does, it all sparkles so brightly to Santana. Its too blinding that she ends up looking down because for the second time again, Brittany was able to erase the heaviness Santana felt lingering in her chest.
"I know," she exhales softly.
They stayed like that for a while, cloaked into this little bubble they had created. Brittany looking at the beetles while Santana looks at the blonde thoughtfully. Her arms rested on her knees as she laid her warm cheeks against it. She swears Brittany can make everything, even something as simple as looking at beetles, be the most wonderful thing to watch. She was gazing at her openly and for a moment she didn't care if she'd be caught staring, (although a part of her already thinks the blonde is fully aware of her stares, if the girl's quirky smile and crimson face was any indication), because in that small fleeting moment, she felt free again. All the frustration seems to fly out of her. Like everything in her body seems to alive, rejoicing, growing and drumming with warm feelings and that even if she was in the wrong parts of Lima at god knows what time, she still feels like she could never be anywhere better than at the right place at the right time.
"Really blondie, I can never get bored when I'm with you," Santana admitted, both tender and sweet and everything in between that Brittany immediately halted her movement, as her eyes snaps to Santana whose eyes were now everywhere but hers.
Was it because it was chilly out that Santana's words felt so warm?
But no, she's sure the reason why she feels so warm was because Santana was just too imperfectly perfect that she fits into this place that nestles her heart completely.
She feels her heartbeat going faster and faster.
"Then can you let me be by your side forever?" She wondered if she had asked that would Santana have run away or would she have pulled her closer towards her. She wanted to ask the girl but she was too afraid to know the answer. Instead she smiles coyly, "Did you know fireflies and lightning bugs are just super decked out beetles? They're totally like the gays of the beetles."
Santana laughs wholeheartedly. It reminded Brittany of summer. Both warm and exciting. She wishes it would never end.
And for a little while, it didn't. Because she feels even more elated when sees a look of fondness fluttering in the latina's eyes when she tells the blonde, "I definitely did not know that."
She's sure to keep that look cherished in her mind to help her carry on on days she's feeling sad.
"Now comeon'," the brunette stood up. The glimmer on her dark dark eyes has yet to fade. It only seems to burn brighter than before.
She looks up from where Santana had stood. Her breath hitching from what she sees, because under the night sky in the most rundown parts of Lima, in the least expected places she'd see her, Santana looked unbelievably beautiful. She barely registers the stars visible and littered around the sky twinkling against the dark expanse of the night, a sight she never sees back in LA, not when Santana is standing in front of her. Though she thinks the girl belongs under the night sky because she's the type of person people should spend months, years and even a lifetime looking at.
"Let's get you home blondie before I start getting hives from this place," Santana said, extending her hands towards her.
Although Santana's voice was firm, her fingers were trembling slightly. The first time she met Brittany, her hands were trembling too. "Uhh... Unless you wanted to stay here?" She asks hesitantly, as her hands momentarily faltered.
Brittany shook her head quickly. Maybe that's the reason why suddenly feels so dizzy. She feels her body quivering down to every last digits of her fingers and toes. Even years from now Santana still has this effect on her. Like how her heart seems to be galloping away in her ribcage. She doesn't think it'll ever stop. Not when Santana's hand is patiently waiting for hers.
She moves before she knows it, her hand quickly reaching out, taking a hold of the ones awaiting hers. Her breath hitches, the nth time that night, the second they touch. Everything around her lulled into a soft murmur. Nothing seems to matter except Santana.
How long has it been since they've held hands like this? Its seems like it was years ago when it was only a couple of days ago she last held the girl's hand. She didn't had much time to think about it then but somehow she feels like she must have done at least one thing right in her life because despite the years that had passed by, their hands had grown just the right size, and just the right length to fit each other, rightly so.
The butterflies that were flying in her stomach felt like it was now soaring, reaching for something she wasn't quite sure of. All she knows and all that she feels is the warmth of the hand gripping hers when the brunette gently pulled her up. No matter how vicious Santana's words may be, no matter how hurtful it was, Santana's touch were always so gentle, she thinks her heart might just break.
A happy grin made its way to her face when the girl kept their hands together even when she was up. Santana leads her forward, with Brittany following her beat that she's sure her cheeks would soon start swelling from how big her smile is.
Santana is so close to her, so close that she can smell the strong scent of vanilla on the girl. It makes her head spin all over again, so much that she thinks this is just another one of her imagination playing on her again.
If it was, she wanted to remember this feeling.
So she clasp their hands a little tighter, her hand and fingers desperately trying to embed the feeling of Santana, in fear that she'll wake up and the warm hand that holds her so tenderly would just fly away from her grasp.
As if hearing her thoughts, she feels the brunette squeezing her hand reassuringly that it made her worry at ease. If she wasn't sure then, she's sure now that she finally had found the thing she had been missing dearly.
She really hopes the girl never lets go because she needs more time to etch away this feeling that had bloomed inside of her. So she walks purposely slow, prolonging this little time. She wasn't sure if Santana was unconsciously doing it too. Santana doesn't say anything, so she doesn't ask. She just gleefully hummed, swaying their hands in happiness, as they head towards the girl's car. If it bothered Santana she didn't comment on it. Maybe Santana was as busy as her, relishing the feeling of their hands locking perfectly to even say anything.
Or maybe Santana was busy wishing she had parked her car much farther than she had, just so she could keep holding on to the blonde.
But whatever it was, no one voiced out their true reason.
They just walked in silence as their own heartbeats beat with familiarity. The feeling between them felt like the way it was back then. It was like they were never apart.
She knows Santana is driving her home but when she's holding on to the brunette, and the girl is holding on to her just the same way as she is, she can't help but feel like she's already home.
The ride back home was mostly quiet with only the soft tracks of the radio playing and their even breathing filling in the silence. They both don't say anything. Santana thinks its because none of them really want to break the silence that could dispel the spell that had been casted upon them.
If that's the case, Santana never wants to speak again.
My gut tells me something I won't tell the others
They won't understand me, I'm not showing colors
But I will show them you,
She secretly smiles when she spies Brittany rolling down the window, lips purse in concentration, before it turns to a happy smile when she got the window just the right placement that she wanted. Brittany then leans her head on her hands supported by her arm resting on the car door, eyes closed with a look of contentment embedded on her face. Her long blonde hair moves freely against the wind making Santana's breath catch in her chest.
Santana blames the crisp night air flowing in for making her breathing a little harder but when she looks to her side, with Brittany looking perfectly happy, she kinda thinks her breathlessness was from a whole different reason that what she tells herself.
You spin me in circles, You ruffle my feathers
Change my directions, I'm off to better weather
I will see you soon,
Throughout the ride, she would occasionally sneak glances at the blonde as if at any second the girl who's sitting in her passenger sit would disappear from her very eyes. It was silly because the blonde was right there and she knows the girl isn't going anywhere. But still, she can't help but to check. She sighs a breath of relief, almost like a cycle, every time she sees Brittany, exactly where she was a second ago from when she had last looked at her.
Darling your heart beats faster and faster the closer I get to you
My past will show this feeling won't last her more than a day or two
But you, I will get you
I will get you,
The blonde looks entrancing. All serene and beautiful. That the only sounds Santana hears is her beating heart. It wasn't until the blonde started humming softly to the music, that Santana's heart quieted enough, allowing her to listen to Brittany's symphony.
She smiles even more.
There's something inside me, I feel the commotion
She's got reservations but I've got the notion
That she feels the way I do,
When she parks in the blonde's driveway, she looks down. Her fingers were shaking making her grip her steering wheel tightly, just so it'll stop rattling every part of her. If she could see through the darkness, she's sure her hands turned white.
"San," Brittany whispers, in that soft way she always does that makes her stomach curl. She can hear a smile in the blonde's voice but she dare not look. She doesn't look at her, even though a few minutes ago, she couldn't stop herself from looking.
"San," the blonde repeated, almost calling, that it rings in her head over and over again that all she could do was answer. When their eyes meets, she doesn't say how warm and dizzy she feels or how she wishes she should have looked sooner because she could have look at Brittany just a little bit longer. She can't help but admire the blue eyes that's shining so impossibly blue, that she'd think Brittany made her own sky inside of her.
She smiles internally when she sees Brittany sporting a smile just the way she had thought.
And probably to some degree I've got some qualities
That you don't like, and you just might have a few that bother me that's what I love about you.
For a while they stare in silence.
Darling your heart beats faster and faster the closer I get to you
My past will show this feeling won't last her more than a day or two
But you, I will get you
Brittany looks at her and she kinda just lets her.
I will get you
She wonders if the blonde could hear her rapid heart beats because her pulse were deafening in her own ears.
So darling don't worry or feel insufficient
We must have a reason we trust our decisions
To love and fear
To trust and deal with anything and everything
Then ever so slowly the blonde leans closer, breath tickling the shell of her ears, making her head rush, "Thank you."
Darling your heart beats faster and faster the closer I get to you
And my past will show this feeling won't last her more than a day or two
But you.
She feels her body tensing, her grip on her steering wheel tightens even more she thinks it'll leave a dent. She feels likes she's burning. The air around her suddenly felt too hot and thick.
Brittany must have been immune to whatever it is she is feeling because she retreated back fully, a loving smile still in place as she hums a quick, "Good night San."
She gives her one last smile before she leaves.
"Good night…" Santana mumbles to no one.
It wasn't until her phone buzzes that she felt herself snap from her dazed. Just like Cinderella, Santana's time had come to an end. For a second, she looks around startled, almost in disbelief about what happened, until her phone buzzes again bringing her once more back into reality.
She fishes her phone under her bra, frowning at the number of texts and miscalls she has, mostly from Riley.
Where the hell are you?
I'm at the party.
Don't tell me your ditching me.
San?
Fuck you're totally are ditching me.
Santanaaaa.
Your lost Lopez.
And the recent txt: Where the hell have you been?!
Santana rolls her eyes as she quickly replies: Home.
By the time she had managed to park her car in her own driveway, she feels drained. She was just about ready to collapse. Her phone buzzes again in her palm as soon as she steps inside the her house she once called home. It was dark, cold and empty. It still looks exactly the way she had left it.
Nothing had changed.
Except she knows everything had changed.
Sure the sofa was still right off the side against the wall, angled weirdly because there was that one day she decided to move the furniture around and she got lazy the first five seconds she did it. It was the same sofa she always sees her mom lounging around, perfectly angled then, watching her telenovelas when she gets home. Except now the sofa looks cold and unused. Then when she looks at the corner, she spots the magazines on the floor from the time when she had bumped the table causing the paper to fall down. She promised herself she'd pick it up days ago but she never quite gotten around to it and if she looks closely, the papers were still stacked at exactly the same way it fell, with dust that settled on top of it untouched. Even the empty glass she had left on the counter was still there. When back then, a few nagging breaths could be heard both in Spanish and English by her mother about how she always leaves the dirty dishes on the counter. "Santanita you will never be a good esposa. A hombre needs a good mujer. Por favor do the dishes." Of course now, there were no sounds except her own breathing.
Sometimes she'd kill to hear those sounds again.
Ugh. What was she expecting anyways, no one ever comes back here except for her.
She sighs as she shakes her head from her thoughts and memories.
Her phone buzzes again.
Home? -Riley
Yeah. Don't tell me you don't know what that is. Here I thought you were smarter than that. -Santana
Well sorry for not knowing what it is cause last time I check you don't call that house of yours home. -Riley
Whatever. What'd I missed? -Santana
What haven't you missed? There were so many hot girls tonight. Totally scored ;) -Riley
Shouldn't that be good? If my hotness was there no one would even come close to looking at you. - Santana
Riley replies a second later: Excuse you. Ill have you know I made out with 3.5 girls and hooked up with one. Plenty more action than you did tonight.
3.5? The fuck is 3.5? Is that .5 some gargoyle? -Santana
Okay, its only .5 because I think I might have made out with a guy pretending to be a girl, I'm not too sure but the other 3 were like super hot and not the kind of "I'm drunk so everybody's hot" but hot hot. - Riley
Ha. I'd definitely pay to see you making out with a guy. Too bad I missed it. -Santana
I said it 'might' be a guy. But eww gross on guys btw. You know I'm allergic to them right? -Riley
Self diagnosed. But that so called non existent allergies of yours probably started cause you go to an all girls school. -Santana
Hahaha you might be right. Or maybe its because I'm a full pledge lesbian. -Riley
Before Santana could reply, she receives another text: You okay though? -Riley
For a second Santana thought of her night, the empty house, the lack of booze, the lack of party and hook ups, but then she think of her blonde neighbour. She suddenly feels light headed like a slow buzzing in her chest had grown. For the first time in her life Santana feels like she was being honest when she replies: Yup everything is perfect.
NOTE:
Hey guys! Here's another update for you. Hope you like it! Let me know what you guys think of this chapter. It took me a bit longer because well...I've been reblogging everything Brittana like crazy on tumblr that I need a few minutes, maybe even hours, to calm down enough and continue writing. But yeah, I was thinking I'll update now before all the Brittana feels will kill me on friday. lol I mean the promo almost had me gasping for breath cause Brittana was just too adorable. "Because you love me and I love you." I'm sure I said this before but I'm happy they're getting the ending they both deserve. Brittana really helped me through a lot so even if I don't get my happy ending, I'm glad that they are going to.
Anyways, thanks for all the love and support. For all the fav., follows, reviews, even people who just reads this, you all make me happy. Again, sorry for all the typo and grammar mistakes. I know the Spanish portion was terrible. I kinda just googled translated the words. But Santana's mom was saying. "Santanita you will never be a good esposa (wife). A hombre (man) needs a good mujer (woman). Por favor (Please) do the dishes."
Also, the song that was playing in the car/ what Brittany was humming along is "The Closer I Get" by Brighten. You guys should definitely check it out. I thought it was a cute song. : ) Again, thanks everyone!