Chapter 20: Turmoil

She had never experienced loss. Sure, she had cried when her dog Humphrey died her junior year of high school and she had certainly lost some goldfish along the way, but she had never experienced the loss of a loved one. That loss where it simply consumes you for days and you cannot think of anything else and your entire life is like living in a fog. A loss like what Jimmy was experiencing.

When she had gotten home, he was waiting for her. Their suitcases packed and sitting by the door and he was pacing, never a good sign. "Jimmy, what-?"

"Grandma Neutron's in the hospital. She might not make it. We need to leave."

She had called her office on the way to the airport making arrangements for her absence while gently running her fingers down her husband's arm as he stared stonily ahead. The flight down to Retroville was spent in a similar fashion, Jimmy staring out the window of the airplane and Cindy gently keeping her hand on his arm. When they arrived at her in-laws house, Jimmy placed his suitcase at the foot of the stairs before going to join his father and his aunts at the dining room table leaving Cindy standing awkwardly in the entryway.

"Cindy," Judy said gently touching her daughter-in-law's shoulder. "Come help me in the kitchen?"

"You've never experienced this before." Judy remarked as the two of them prepared dinner.

"No." Cindy admitted. "My dad's parents died when I was born and my mom was estranged from hers." She bit her lip, "I have no clue what he's going through."

Judy sighed. "I don't think he really does either. He was small when my mother died and so he's always been close to Hugh's mother. I don't think she'll make it through the night." She looked up at her daughter-in-law. "He holds it all in. He'll be distant. Just so you're aware."

Judy wasn't exaggerating. Cindy and her mother-in-law served up the food to a silenced crowd. When she took her seat next to her husband, he glanced at her, but didn't say a word. When they were cleaning up, she pulled him aside. "Jimmy-"

"I'm fine." He said curtly as he pushed past her and walked into the kitchen.

She watched him go, silent.

When they had finished putting the dishes away the phone rang. They all piled in to the v vehicle and headed to the hospital. She had only been in Retroville Hospital once, and the dim lighting and white washed walls seemed especially spooky in the darkness from the outside. She sped up her walk so she was at Jimmy's side. He didn't turn to look at her, but rested his hand against the small of her back as he steered her into the hospital room.

The woman lying on the bed, connected to the various tubes and machines, seemed nothing like the vibrant woman she remembered. She heard Jimmy take a sudden intake of breath and his eyes well up with tears. Before she could get to him, his parents were there, one on either side as they stood at the edge of the bed and looked at her.

She suddenly felt as if she was interrupting something sacred, and since no one's attention was really on her, she silently slipped out of the room. "How are they doing?"

The sudden appearance of a nurse startled her out of her thoughts and she responded, "As well as one can be, I would imagine. I'm Cindy by the way."

"Alyssa. Charmed." The nurse responded as she shook her hand. She sighed and reached up to tuck a strand of her hair behind her head. "You're married to the grandson, right?"

"Jimmy. Yeah, he's my husband." She glanced into the room. "So, what are you thinking?"

The nurse shifted from one foot to the other. "The way her breathing is going, we expect it to be anytime now. The family wanted to be notified when the situation arose."

"Thank you." Cindy sighed. "For everything. You've done a great job."

The nurse smiled. "Thank you. We try," She reached out and gently patted Cindy's arm. "Let us know if there's anything else you need."

Cindy nodded as the nurse left to finish her rounds and turned to lean against the glass windows. She was suddenly thankful that she could not really remember her own experience in the hospital. The place was cold and had an overwhelming aura that seemed to weigh down every part of her being. Finally, she managed to gather up enough strength to go back into the room.

She took a seat next to Judy on the couch, as the rest of the family was scattered around the room. Jimmy was talking to his Aunt Amanda, while Hugh, Kari, and Gomer were talking in whispers next to the monitors. Suddenly, there was a change in the entire family seemed to feel. Cindy jumped up and ran out into the hallway shouting for a nurse. By the time her and Alyssa came back into the room, Grandma Neutron was gone.

"Take as much time as you need." Alyssa said quietly before excusing herself.

While the rest of the family sobbed, Jimmy simply stood there and stared at his grandma as if trying to convince himself that it was real and not a dream at all. When they returned home, he went upstairs to lie down. When Cindy finally went to join him, he was buried under the blankets facing away from her.

"Jimmy?" She said gently, but no response. She knew he wasn't sleeping and she sighed but kissed the part of the blankets that covered his head. "I love you. And I'm here." She told him before turning off the light. From deep within the cocoon she thought she heard a muffled sob but she couldn't be sure.

The next 24 hours was a whirlwind of funeral planning. Taking a cue from Judy, she sat in the background. Streaming phone calls, cooking, handling minor details while Hugh's side handled the planning. Jimmy and his father seemed oblivious to anything going on around them. Neither really said much unless it was pertaining to the funeral. She took it upon herself to see that her husband was eating and made plates of his favorite foods and placed it next to his elbow at the kitchen table along with a fresh cup of coffee. He never acknowledged her, instead it seemed as if he was light-years away. It broke her heart to see him shutting her out like that, but she tried not to let it get to her. He was mourning.

She had been washing the dishes from breakfast when he had walked in. He had gone straight for the pot of coffee, ignoring her like usual. On his way out, he paused, and then turned and gently kissed the back of her neck. It had happened so fast she wasn't even sure it had happened at all before he was back to the dining room and back to shutting her out.

Cindy had never been to a funeral before and she quickly realized how very uncomfortable it was. Sitting next to her husband in the front row while people around her blew their noses and sobbed it made her quite anxious. She never really knew Grandma Neutron and had only met her in her childhood and then on their wedding day. But she knew how much she had meant to Jimmy and that kept her rooted in her seat on the bench. She was worried about Jimmy. How he hadn't cried yet and seemed to be in comatose state, a volcano waiting to erupt.

They sat stiffly side by side as the minister came up to the pulpit to talk. About two sentences in, Jimmy suddenly grabbed her hand, holding it tightly. She didn't dare look at him, but gently squeezed his hand. He seemed to deflate a little, but she could still feel him shaking. He didn't let go of her hand the rest of the day. During the rest of the funeral, the receiving line, the luncheon, even out at the cemetery, he held on to her as if she was his lifeline and the only thing keeping him tethered to the ground.

Back at the Neutron house, she fell back into the routine of being in the background as the entire Neutron side of the family gathered. She was in the kitchen helping Judy with serving up the pie when Jimmy appeared in the doorway. "Um, mom? Is it okay if I borrow Cindy for a bit?"

Judy looked up and smiled knowingly at her son. "Of course dear."

He took her hand and silently led her out of the house to the strip of trees behind the house. Neither said anything as he sat down on a old tree stump, pulling her to sit down beside him. He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it. "How are you? Really?"

He was silent for a moment before speaking. "I feel like a part of my heart is gone. I just-" Then it happened. He started to cry. He sobbed his heart out as Cindy leaned against him, rubbing his back and whispering platitudes. When he finally stopped he wiped his eyes. "That- that was a long time coming."

"You can't keep it all bottled up inside."

"I know." He looked down at his legs. "I'm sorry by the way. For, shutting you out and all that."

She rested her head against his forearm. "It's okay. I understand." They sat there in silence. He gently ran his hand up and down her back, while she clung to him tightly as if trying to transfer some of her strength to him. The sat like that well past when the sun went down. Finally she shivered as a breeze came through the trees.

Jimmy looked down at her. "I should get you back." He stood up and she followed him back to the house.

The house was silent as they walked in. The clock read past midnight and everyone else was fast asleep. They slowly crept up the stairs to Jimmy's room. She was the last one to turn off the light. This time when she went to close her eyes, Jimmy reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her to his chest.

"I miss her so much." He whispered.

"I know." She whispered back.

"You know what was the worse part of all of this?"

"What?"

Surrounded by darkness, with only a sliver of moonlight coming through the window, he finally felt like he could tell her the whole truth. "Seeing her, lying there… It was like seeing you there again."

Pain shot through her heart and she squeezed her eyes shut, willing for it to go away. She had wondered if that hadn't played a part in it. "Jimmy-"

"They made me plan your funeral. Ya know, just in case. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do. When mom called, it was like I was back on the phone with Alexz. All that fear, all that pain, came rushing back." He sighed. "I thought I'd worked through it all. Maybe not."

"I can't even begin to imagine how you feel." She confessed. "I told your mom, I've never lost someone. Not like this. But-" She took a deep breath and clutched his hand that was resting on her stomach. "I do worry about you. Every day."

"Really?"

"I do. I worry that you're going to hurt yourself with chemicals. Or blow something up. Or get kidnapped for ransom money. Or-" She trailed off.

"Things were a lot easier weren't they? When we were just plain old Jimmy Neutron and Cindy Vortex?"

"That seems like a lifetime ago."

He was silent for a moment as he played with the ends of her hair. "Grandma Neutron, she was my best friend. She was the only grandma I ever knew. She always supported me and my inventions. No matter what. She was there when I got my first Nobel Prize. She was so proud." He paused. "My first check, once I made it. Really made it, went to her. I sent her on a trip to Australia. She always wanted to go."

"You were a great grandson."

He was silent. His mind off remembering things that she would never be apart of, his fingers absentmindedly tracing the curves of her body. Finally, he spoke. "I love you. You know that?"

In the darkness she smiled. "I love you to."

He nodded into her shoulder, as if hearing that was the final key to something deep inside him. He held her tightly and kissed her skin.

"You need sleep." She said gently.

"Yeah, okay." He responded in a voice that was both exhausted and yielding. He moved to lay on his back, pulling his wife with him so she was strewn across him, her head on his chest. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

The clock read 3:23 and he was still as wide awake as ever. His wife's gentle breathing was the only sound in the room, reminding him that he worse nightmares, the one's that had been plaguing him since they had arrived had not come to fruition. 'She's safe Neutron.' He told himself time and time again. 'She's alive and she's safe.'

He closed his eyes and his mind drifted to his wedding day. He had been standing in front of the mirror when his grandma had walked in.

"Don't you look handsome!"

He turned to her and grinned. "Thanks Grandma!" He replied as he leaned down to kiss her.

"I've already gone to see you bride. She looks stunning, not like I expected anything else. She also yelled at one of the caterers who spilt on the rug." She laughed. "I knew I liked your little firecracker for a reason!"

Before he could respond, the minister stuck his head in. "5 minutes James."

"You better get out their Grandma. I'll be there to escort you to your seat in a moment."

"Alright." She reached up to kiss his cheek. "I'm so proud of you Jimmy!"

He watched her go, a smile on his face.

A smile broke out on non-dream Jimmy's face as well. The moment replaying in his mind as sleep finally came.