JJ felt tense as she rode the elevator up to her floor. No doubt the rest of the team heard about what happened at her house and she did not think she was fully prepared for their questioning. Even more she wasn't sure she was prepared for Derek. She didn't get a chance to talk to him after she left with Emily and she wasn't sure what happened after she left him alone with Will. She hoped that he didn't mention their relationship to Will because she just wasn't completely sure about their relationship herself. She wanted to be with him, she could feel it down to her core, but Will was Henry's father and her fiancé. Yes he cheated but it wasn't so black and white because they had a child together, never mind the fact that she cheated as well. She sighed before she walked out of the opening elevator; heading straight to her office to avoid unwanted conversations.
She sat down in her chair before resting her head on her arms on the desk. "You okay?" Her head flew up at the sound of Hotch's voice.
"I'm good, nothing to worry about." She tried to go about straightening up her desk to give the appearance that everything was all right but she knew that she could not lie to Hotch. The man has known her all her career and has been her confidant in many occasions. She watched as he closed her office door before taking a seat across from her.
"You want to talk about it?" She shook her head no, but she knew that Hotch would push her this time because it was obvious that all of this was affecting her work and if Hotch was anything, he was careful about his agents being distracted at work, especially when dealing with the psychopaths they dealt with on a daily basis. "This wouldn't have anything to do with what's going on between you and Morgan, would it?" He peered at her patiently, waiting for her to gather her thoughts.
"That's part of it. Derek and I slept together." Her eyes shot open at how blunt she was with that statement to her superior.
"I kind of figured that with the way you two have been looking at each other when you guys thought the other wasn't watching. And you two kind of weren't quiet about your argument on the last case." JJ groaned at the idea that a whole police department heard her and Morgan arguing about their very private relationship.
She sighed before continuing, "It's not just that, in some ways I kind of knew we would end up together in some shape or form, but there's Henry and Will and everything is all murky and confusing. I mean Will is the father of my child and my fiancé." At this point JJ rose from her chair and began to pace, "But then I find out he's been cheating on me and even though I suspected for a while that has been going on, to actually hear him say it to me, hurt me more than I could possible imagine. I want to be angry with him, but how is my being with Derek any different than what Will did to me. I mean does he deserve a second chance seeing as I cheated too, or do I break it off knowing I have stronger feelings for Derek, especially knowing he returns those feelings. What about Henry? I mean Will is his father, I can't just cut him out of my life because I want to be with someone else can I?"
She looked to Hotch wishing he would tell her what to do because she truly was at a loss as to which way she should go. She loved Morgan, she was not in denial about that anymore but Will was still the father to her child and he said he was willing to do right by her now. Was passion really the right way to go where she was concerned or was Henry's sake more important? It wasn't that Derek wouldn't make a good stepfather, but JJ didn't think that Will would accept a 'I'm sorry Will, we're just not working out, I realized that I have stronger feelings for my colleague, Derek Morgan, but you can still have a relationship with your son.'
"Honestly JJ, you're in a bind. The parent side to me says you have to do what's best for your son, but on personal side that doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what best for yourself. Obviously everything is harder because Henry is in the middle, but choosing Morgan does not mean that is not in the best interest of your son. Children can pick up on when things are not right between their parents and that could have an even worst influence on them than having their parents apart. Being with Morgan does not mean that you love Henry any less, but it does mean that you are giving yourself a chance to experience something real and true. Then again there was a point in your life when you believed those feelings were there between you and Will, and take it from someone who knows that this job can be killer on relationships. While I don't condone Will's actions and I kind of want to kick his ass for it, he is still the father of your child and I have no doubt he would make it difficult for you and Morgan, especially where Henry concerned. You just have to pull away from the situation and think about it objectively. It has to work out to benefit not just Henry but you as well or you'll end up resenting certain people for the way things worked and you'll wake up one morning regretting your life and no ones ever wants to feel that way."
JJ stood there taking in Hotch's words as she thought about her situation. He made some valid points but she couldn't really tell if he was team Morgan or team Will. "So are you saying I should be with Morgan, cause you sound like your leaning that way?"
"I'm not saying anything. It has to be your decision completely so that at the end of day you know that it was all you with no outside pressure." He shrugged in addition to his statement.
"Right, so team Morgan. I knew you were biased." She wagged a finger at him joining him in laughter. She was kind of glad that Hotch came in and talked with her cause it put things into clearer perspective. She knew that Henry was a large part of her life and he was important to whatever decision she made. The thing was that after everything she has shared with Morgan, to go back to Will would be a big mistake on her part. She knew what she had to do but she knew it wouldn't be easy, considering that for him to understand she would have to tell him everything that happened between her and Morgan.
"Everything is going to be okay JJ. Plus the girls are in the bullpen right now grilling Derek about your sordid affairs. You might want to get in there and spare him the torture before he either kills one of them or Strauss walks in and overhears." JJ grinned before following him out of her office to find that he spoke the truth. Poor Derek was cornered into Em's cubicle as Em, Elle, and Pen surrounded him asking him one question after another about their relationship.
"Girls! Give a brother a break man. Jeez!" He swiveled around to face the entering JJ and gave her a small smile before rising to go to her. "You okay? I know we did not get a chance to talk after you left with Em. I wanted to make sure you had your space cause last night was a reminder that there are more parties featured in this relationship than just you and me."
She nodded once before allowing herself to get wrapped up in his arms. "I'm alright. Last night was just rough. In so many ways I feel violated on a night that should have been perfect. It's true, last night was reminder that it isn't just you and me, there's Will and there's Henry and whatever decision I make affects all of us." She wanted to say more but they were still in the bullpen and though they were kind of out to everyone, there were things about this situation that needed to stay between them. "Come with me to my office, we need to talk."
Derek nodded before releasing her and walking behind her to her office, both of them ignoring Pen's outburst, "Isn't it a little early for office sexin' you horn dogs? Then again the sooner you two make sexy babies the sooner I can spoil them rotten!" Derek shook his head as JJ rolled her eyes at her best friend's eccentric behavior.
Derek closed the door behind them before taking a seat in front her desk. Instead of sitting behind her desk, JJ joined him the seat next to him, not wanting to be able to use her desk as a shield between them. She rubbed her hands together as she thought about what she wanted to say to him before sighing. "Derek… I love you or I'm falling in love with you. I'm not completely sure yet. All of this is so scary because it is happening so soon, so quickly. Just a couple weeks ago I am living in denial about my fiancés affairs." She took a moment to cover Derek's fists as they squeeze in anger over Will's cheating ways. "And now I am having an affair of my own with my colleague." She put her hand up to stop him from interrupting when she saw him open his mouth to protest her statement. "Please let me just get this out."
"A couple of weeks ago I was alone and upset, wondering where everything started to go wrong and then all of this happened. That first night Morgan, I wanted to sign it off as something that just happened, a huge mistake but then the next morning waking up in your arms felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. And then when we kissed in the kitchen it was like everything clicked. Things were the way they were always meant to be. Then I kicked you out and things snowballed from there. Nearly losing you on the last case put things into perspective for me. I came so close to losing you and that's when I realize that I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. I know that night I gave you an ultimatum about us while knowing that I wasn't being fair to you. Here I am telling you, you have to decide what was more important, being a hero or being a man that was in a relationship with a woman who had a son when I still have to make a decision about who I want to be with."
Derek took a deep breath as he braced himself for what she was about to say, scared that despite everything they have just shared that she was going back to the father of her child. He couldn't really blame her for wanting to put her child's happiness ahead of her own, ahead of them but Derek was not without his selfish desires and he could not say that he would not try to convince her to be with him. He did not like Will and he sure as hell did not trust him. He still had his suspicions about Will's involvement in JJ's house break in, but he would wait to gather evidence on that. He did not want to act like the boyfriend scorned. He cleared his head of his thoughts before focusing back on JJ.
"I want to be with you Derek more than anything, God, just the idea of being away from you hurts more than you can imagine but I have to do what's right for my son and me." Derek closed his eyes; ready to hear rejection falling from the lips he kissed so passionately last night. He could already see the sympathy in the same eyes that were clouded with passion when he made love to her last night and trying to brace himself for all of this was not making it easier. He was in this too deep already and he could feel his heart shattering. "I'm asking Hotch for some time off where I can think things through. I need to spend time with Henry and make sure that choosing you over my child's father is truly what's best for the both of us."
"Wait… Say what now?" Derek looked like a fish out of water as he took in her words. She was choosing him; she just had to be sure. He could give her that; she was basically leaning toward him already. God he hopes that she comes back ready to give them a shot. He loved Henry and he had no doubt he could love him like his own son, despite who his father is and he already was in love with JJ so he just needed to be patient.
JJ giggled at the emotions crossing over Derek's face before continuing, "I'm going to take some time off away from both you and Will to figure things out. I can tell you, that my heart is pushing for you, but my mind is still trying to straighten things out." She rose from her seat and pulled him up to stand in front of her. She sighed as he wrapped his arms around her before meeting his eyes. "Are you okay with this?" He nodded to her but she was still a little unsure. "Are you sure?"
"JJ, baby, listen to me, I understand, believe me I do. This kind of crept up on you, and I know that this decision isn't easy to make, especially because Henry is a factor in any decision you make. If taking time is what you need and especially if it ends with you in my arms then I'm 100% supportive. I love you and your happiness is the most important thing to me. I want you but I won't force your decision. It has to be all you baby girl." He reached up to brush her hair from her face before leaning down to capture her lips in a sweet kiss that lacked the passion from last night but did not fail to make JJ feel warm and safe.
"Thank you." She smiled, as they broke apart. "I guess I now have to go ask Hotch for that time off. Try not to get into too much trouble without me. And no flirting with any ladies that find you attractive.
"But that's all of them!" Derek looked at her as if such thing was impossible.
"Be a good boy Derek, you know the girls will tell me if you stray." She smiled cheekily, appreciating the change of tone in their conversation.
"You make me sound like a dog and the girls. What are they, your spies now?"
"Maybe, be good and you won't have anything to worry about." She winked at him as she watched the scowl develop on his face. "I'm going to go now, love you." She liked the way his smile lit up his face at her declaration.
She gasped as he grabbed her back to him, kissing her passionately before replying, "I love you too."