Okay... Let's see…
Meredith opened the cabinet door and began to shuffle things around. Sugar. Flour. Bags of chips. Bags of pretzels. Cans of… Something… that evidently expired months ago.
"Oh, come on," Meredith sighed in frustration as she forcefully shut the door and rested her palm against its surface. "There has got to be something," she muttered.
They had been back from the park for nearly half an hour and Meredith had yet to find something edible to make for the kids. She thought about running to the store, or going out to a restaurant, but both would require her taking the kids. In her car. Alone. Alone in her car. And she wasn't quite sure she could handle that.
As the storm outside grew louder, Meredith sighed in defeat knowing her third alternative of ordering something in was no longer an option. They kids were starving. Having to wait on the delivery would be bad enough, but with a Seattle storm looming around, the time would be doubled.
Meredith fell to her knees and opened one of the last remaining cabinets, hoping to find something suitable. Her eyes scanned over the contents, landing on a box of some kind of side… helper, thing.
As she pulled it into her grasp and began reading the directions her eyes immediately widened and it was quickly shoved it back in the cabinet. "Way too complicated."
She went to close the boor, but a navy blue box in the far back caught her attention.
"Aunt Meredith?" A voice called out to her.
She quickly stood, box in hand, and peered past the island at Beth standing in the kitchen doorway.
"What you doing?" she asked as she made her way further into the room.
"I, um…" Meredith stammered. "Lunch," she said as she held up the box.
Beth's eyes lit up. "Can I help?"
For the first time Meredith actually looked at the box and felt relief wash over her, as it was the Godsend made by Kraft: macaroni and cheese.
"Um, yeah…" she nodded, "sure."
Beth skipped happily through rest of the room until she was standing on the opposite side of island next to Meredith. She looked up at Meredith, beaming in excitement. "'Kay, what can I do?"
"Oh, well, ah… Here," she handed the box to Beth, "you take this while I fill up a pot of water for it, okay?"
Beth nodded in agreement and tucked the box under her arm as she pulled a chair close to island.
Meredith turned the tap on hot and placed the pot under. "Wait. Something doesn't seem…" She turned the tap off, then on again, running her fingers under to test the temperature. She turned back to Beth, who was sitting on the edge of the island, swinging her legs back and forth. "What's the box say?"
Beth turned the box over in her hands. "Umm… Boil water."
Meredith looked down at the pot of hot water in her hands. "Right," she said to her reflection. Dumbass…
She hoped it wasn't too transparent that she really had no idea what she was doing. The fact that she was even making an effort to cook something was astonishing, considering the last time she had used the stove was to light a taper candle when she couldn't find any matches… A month ago…
She didn't cook.
She removed cold pizza from tinfoil, and made grilled cheese with the toaster.
And she was pretty sure pouring cereal didn't qualify either.
But the kids needed actual food. Sure, macaroni and cheese wasn't exactly the best thing to give them, but it was all she had. Unless they were content on sucking back tequila, the blue box would have to do.
Now if only she knew what the hell she was doing…
Meredith placed the pot onto the stove and lit the burner. "Okay, so this boils and then…"
"Add the noodles," Beth said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
And actually… It kind of was.
"I suck at this," she mumbled to herself, wiping the light beads of swear from her forehead.
The situation was becoming a lot more stressful then it should have been. It shouldn't be this hard. Macaroni and cheese is a kid's food after all. It was quick, easy to make.
Supposedly.
Except it wasn't.
She began tapping her fingers lightly on the counter top as he leg started to jitter against the wooden floor below her. She needed to calm down.
She needed to breathe.
In one swift movement, Meredith forced herself to relax, and halted her nervous motions. Closing her eyes tightly, her chin made contact with the palm of her hand and rested there. She sucked in a deep breath of air, holding it a moment before releasing and sliding further into the peacefulness she needed.
Beth turned the box in her hands causing the noodles to crash into each other and Meredith's eyes to jet open.
"You okay?" Beth asked, leaning in slightly to her almost-aunt.
"Fine," Meredith hastily retorted, feeling slightly bad when she realized her tone caused Beth to physically tense for a second.
It was easily forgotten, though when Beth literally shrugged it off and let an awkward silence consumed the space between them.
Meredith let her eyes shift to the girl. Maybe I should say something, she thought. Strike up a conversation. But what?
In all honestly, Meredith knew very little about Derek's kin. She didn't know what kind of conversation to have with them. She didn't know what to talk about with any child, let alone the one sitting next to her.
More specifically, she didn't know how to talk to a child.
Meredith scratched her head and pursed her lips, deciding to say something.
"Who was that lady at the park?"
"What?" Meredith squawked as her elbow slipped from the counter, causing her to fall forward. She quickly composed herself and stood straight. "Wa-what lady?"
"The lady," Beth replied matter-of-factly. "When I fell down, there was a lady with you. Do you know her?"
Meredith clamped her jaw shut. Her first instinct was to lie; No, I haven't a clue what you are even referring to.
"Uh… a…"
Beth stopped swinging her legs and stared at the stammering, nervous, oaf standing before her.
"Yeah," Meredith said barely above a whisper, "I know her."
The feet swinging motion continued yet again. "Oh." Beth once again looked down at the box in her hands, but quickly changed her mind and averted her eyes back to Meredith. "She your sister?"
Meredith actually thought her jaw had smacked the floor.
How the…
She pulled away, dropping her shoulders as her suspicion grew. "Why would you think that?"
Beth shrugged her response, "You guys look alike."
That caught Meredith off guard more then anything else. "We do not." She wasn't quite sure who she was trying to convince more, though. She had been told by many people- meaning her friends and coworkers- that she did share a certain resemblance to Molly. Nevertheless, she refused to believe it herself.
"You do too. You both have the same faces. And you act the same, too."
Meredith shifted her weight and leaned into the island again. "We do not."
"Unhuh. When I fell you both acted the same. You were both scared and you moved the same and you both did the same thing with you hands, like you went through your hair when you talked," Beth quickly defended her observations in a single breath, demonstrating all the motions as she went along.
Meredith side glanced Beth momentarily. "…Whatever," she changed the subject, "Is that boiling yet?"
Beth leaned over and looked into the pot of which Meredith had her finger pointed to and with a sigh told her, "No, it needs more bubbles still." She sat back away from the pot and took the macaroni and cheese box again, tilting it from top to bottom so the noodles ran together over and over.
Meredith gazed into the pot of non-boiling water as she rubbed her temples and tried to float away with the tiny bubbles skimming along the sides. She took deep, shallow breathes, trying to clean her mind and not think about her sister. And not think about how Derek abandoned her with the overwhelming task of watching four kids, and not think of how the oldest one was sitting a mere twelve inches away reading her like an open book.
One by one, the bubbles grew. With every thud the collision of noodles made, the water boiled more, like waves crashing against the shoreline at high tide. And she got lost in the sound, letting it pull her under, breathing in tune with the waves of the noodles.
Then suddenly, it stopped.
The waves continued to grow, but there sound ceased.
Meredith removed her eyes from the pot only to find Beth's staring back.
"How come you don't like her?"
Without moving a muscle in her stance, she muttered, "It's… complicated."
"How come?"
"How come it's complicated?" Meredith questioned as she regained her posture and folded her arms together.
Beth nodded and slowly began swinging her feet back and fourth yet again.
She asked her inquiry as if it were the simplest question ever. Clearly she had no regard on the complexity of a possible answer.
Frankly neither did Meredith.
"It's just… It's…" Stopping to take a breath, she tried to find her wording. "I never said I didn't like her."
Beth smirked in a way that proved she was in fact Derek's niece. "Didn't have to."
Meredith's hand found her hip, grounding her as she looked into a pair of blue eyes she was all too familiar with. "How old are you?"
"Six," came the reply.
"You're very bright for your age," Meredith stated softly as she eyed the girl once more.
Beth grinned up at her. "You can add the noodles now."
Meredith looked down into the now boiling water. Before she had a chance to do anything, "Aunt Meredith," was heard from the doorway, causing her to bring her attention to the small boy in the distance.
"Yeah?" Meredith asked, intentionally not guessing on a name for fear of not being right.
"I'm hungry," he said as he entered the kitchen.
"Did you have to share a room?" Beth chimed in.
"Is lunch ready?" the boy continued.
Meredith's head snapped back and fourth between the children before focusing on Beth's rather odd question. "What?"
"Robbie and Matthew," Beth began, "they have to share a room. They fight sometimes, but they get along. They like the same things." Beth nodded her head as she repeated, "they share a room."
"I never shared a room," Meredith told her as she tried to shift her attention to the other child.
"Is that why you don't like her? Did you want to share a room and you couldn't?"
The younger sibling started bouncing in place. "My tummy is groooowlin'," he drug out the word as he placed his hands on his stomach to emphasize.
Again, Meredith was unsure of whom to turn to as the attention became demanding between both of them. Instead of speaking, Meredith grabbed the box of noodles from the counter, ripped the packaging open, and dumped them into the pot.
"Robbie, it's almost done, okay?" Beth asked her younger brother who nodded his head in response. "Go play more until it's ready."
He looked up at Meredith, "Can we play with our Legos?"
"Ah… yeah, sure," Meredith shrugged. "Just… don't… eat them or anything."
"Okay!" Robbie smiled as he turned on his heels and ran from the kitchen.
That's odd… Meredith thought to herself. "He asked… Do they always ask to play with certain toys?"
Shaking her head, Beth responded, "Only things with lots of pieces and sometimes stuff with wheels. They break things a lot."
"So I've noticed," Meredith remarked, remembering the picture frame that was no longer intact. "So what do I do with this stuff now?" she said as she sat the empty box down on the counter.
"You have to stir it so they don't stick together. And they have to be in there for ten minutes. And the fire has to be turned down before they boil over!" Beth announced just as the rising water reached the rim of the pot.
As Meredith quickly lowered the heat she asked, "How do you know all this?"
"I read the directions," she said, smiling. "And I've helped Daddy before."
Meredith eyed the child as she picked up the box once more to skim the directions, deciding not to comment on her notion of cleverness, that she herself lacked. "You do a lot of stuff with your dad, huh?" she asked as she handed Beth a long wooden spoon.
Beth shrugged her response. "Daddy has an office at home. Mommy work's in town in a big building. She's not around as much."
Meredith felt Beth's words as if they could have fallen from her own lips. The situation of absent parents sounded all too familiar to her. At least Beth's father was a figure in her life, though. Her and her siblings had someone who they could rely on without worry. It was obvious their mother was also present, as Kathleen had brought them with her across the country. She did mention the unexpected cancellation of a sitter, but still… It was evident she loved them, too, and did what she could. She was a working mother…
Ellis Grey was a working mother.
Meredith impeded her thoughts before they could overcome her; she was sick of letting her emotions get the best of her. She had Derek now, that's all that mattered. He was in her life; he was there for her, and she knew he would always be there for his nieces and nephews, too.
Sure he left her with the kids… But when it really mattered, he would be there. He was family.
He was her family.
"Did your daddy let you help cook too when you were little?" Beth asked Meredith as she began to stir the simmering noodles.
"Um… no…"
"He didn't let you help?!" Her reply reached a whole new octave as her eyes bugged forward while her jaw dropped.
"Well… It, no… It's not… It's wasn't…" Meredith stumbled for her words. Her usual tendency was to blurt out everything in a gibberish format- rambling all the way- allowing leeway for her more personal, more heartrending secrets about her past to be overlooked and swept under the rug.
For some reason, however, her inadvertent technique did not work on these children.
In the small amount of time Meredith had spent with the kids so far, they've been able to see right though her. She did not know how, but Beth had managed to bring up the demise of her childhood with a single question.
Did your daddy ever let you help cook when you were little? No. Why? Because my father left when I was five years old, abandoning me completely until I looked him up twenty years later, only to find out about his wife and his real daughters. The family he never wanted me to be apart of…
Meredith blinked. "No, I didn't see my dad much when I was little." It wasn't a lie… A small variation on the truth, but she was talking to a six-year-old, after all. The entire truth about her past would definitely leave some scars if she weren't careful. She knew the pain, and just simply speaking about it was enough to case damage.
"How come? Did your daddy work like my mommy does?" Beth questioned; oblivious to the distress and determined to get somewhere with her pseudo aunt. "Were you forced to spend time with your sister… is that why you don't like her?!
"Why do you care so much about my life?" Meredith asked, the small smile pulling at her lips overpowering the pounding in the back of her head.
Beth shrugged her shoulders, "You're… my aunt. Well… Uncle Derek said you might be my aunt… so… If you're my maybe aunt then… that makes your family my maybe family, too. Right?"
Meredith gritted her teeth. "Ah… How do I explain this," she mumbled. "Um… Okay. If I were your aunt- which I'm not… Not that I don't want to be your aunt!" she quickly added, "It's just… we haven't really talked about it… I mean… I may be your aunt… Someday. Not soon! Maybe, eventually…" Meredith stopped her rambling only to let out a deep sigh. "I had a point to this," she thought aloud. "Okay. Because she's my sister doesn't necessarily make her my family. Or my father. Those people aren't my family." Derek is my family.
"What do you mean?" Beth innocently asked.
"It's-"
"Complicated?"
At Meredith's nod, the direction of the conversation died down. Beth realized she wasn't going to get much out of her. Being Derek's niece, she was, however, persistent. She was intent on getting something out of Meredith. Anything.
"Did you know my Aunt Addie?"
"Whoa, okay, food's done!" Meredith voiced immediately as she turned off the burner and transported the still boiling noodles to the sink. She was sure Beth understood the concept of Derek and Addison's marriage, and that they were no longer together, but she was not about to go down that road, with anyone, let alone with a six-year-old.
"It's only been nine minutes!" Beth indicated as she glanced to the microwave's clock.
"They'll be fine," Meredith mumbled as she dumped the excess water from the pot. Upon returning to the stove, Meredith handed the packet of powered cheese to Beth. "Why don't you stir it in?" she suggested, purposefully rearing all conversation away from all their previous subjects.
Beth lifted a spoon but stopped once she peered into the pot. "It needs the butter and milk first."
"Right. Of course." Meredith tried to ignore her mistake that, frankly, anyone could make and retrieved the missing ingredients.
After adding the correct amount of each, Meredith picked the pouch once more, ripped the top off and handed it over to Beth before anything else got in the way.
"Okay. You want to stir for a minute while I go check on your sister and brothers?"
"Sure," Beth nodded.
"Okay," she sighed. "Okay, good." Nodding her exit, Meredith made her way out of the kitchen, thankful for the few moments alone that would grant.
She liked Beth, she really did, but there is only so much she could take regarding her past. And she wanted to forget her past. Well, she actually wanted to forget her current present, too- fast-forward to tomorrow- be done with the whole kid thing. But neither were an option. Her past kept rearing its ugly head today, reminding her of the fact that she didn't do kids, because she didn't know how to do kids. She was never taught; was never an example herself.
And it left scars.
Meredith sighed again as she made her way to the living room, where the other children were.
At least the boys were too young to approach her on those subjects. It had been some time since Derek's divorce, and even longer since he had been home back east. Meredith would be surprised if the boys even remembered ever having an Aunt Addison.
"What's going on in here?" she found herself call out as she rounded the corner, stumbling upon trucks. And Legos. And trucks stuffed with Legos. All of which were discarded on the floor while the boys sat only a foot away from the television set- eyes glued to the screen. "Guys?" she called out again, finally gaining their attention.
"We didn't break anything!" one of the boys yelled, more out of a habit, it seemed, then anything else.
The place was a mess, and they hadn't even been back home for that long.
How did it get this bad… so quick? Meredith thought.
"Whatever," she breathed, "lunch will be done in a few minutes."
"Can we eat in here?" the other boy asked.
Meredith shrugged. "What the heck."
It can't get much worse.
The boys smiled their gratitude and returned their attention to the animated show they were previously fixated on.
"Sit back a little please," she demanded softly as she made her way through the landmine toy field. If she couldn't feed them properly (according to Derek's standards) she could at least keep them from going blind.
"Quishy?" Leah immediately asked, her sad eyes beaming up at Meredith as she finally approached the pack-n-play.
Meredith shook her head. "You already have a squishy."
"Quishy!" Leah practically cried out.
That's when Meredith realized. The wetness. The empty pouch of lemonade. Leah's crushed eyes.
"Oh no, Leah." Meredith lifted the girl from her confines, revealing a sopping wet playpen. Meredith spun Leah in her arms, relieved to see she was completely dry, and was about to set her down on the ground when she remembered the mess.
The Legos.
"Quishy bye-bye." Leah said sadly as she played with the ends of Meredith's hair.
"I can see." Meredith mumbled. She grabbed the empty drink pouch and carried it, along with Leah, out of the room and back into the kitchen.
"It's ready!" Beth announced cheerfully as soon as Meredith was in sight.
"Wonderful," Meredith muttered in response. She handed empty bowls to Beth, who began filling them with their meal.
"What's the matter with Leah?" she asked once she saw her little sister's unhappy features.
""Quishy go bye-bye." Leah whispered.
Meredith sighed. "She busted that drink pouch thing she'd been carrying around."
"Oh," came the only response. "Can I watch TV?"
"Yeah, go ahead. Can you take your brothers their food, too? I'm going to get Leah's sticky hands and face washed. I guess lemonade isn't the best toy, huh?"
Beth smiled shaking her head. "Nope."
"Nope," Meredith repeated under her breath. She grabbed forks from the nearby drawer and placed each in a bowl as Beth balanced all three in her arms. "We'll be in in a few minutes," she called to Beth's departing form.
Meredith sat Leah on the island as she dampened a washcloth. "At least you didn't get your clothes," she said as she did her best to remove the sugar coating from the tiny girl's hands.
"Quishy?" Leah asked, the despair still noticeable in her voice.
"We don't have anymore squishies, I'm sorry," Meredith replied as she stroked one of Leah's pigtails.
Leah looked up at her aunt with glossy eyes. "No quishy?"
Meredith shook her head sadly. "No squishy."
Leah nestled head against Meredith's chest, and Meredith stroked her hair once more. She then grabbed a fork of her own and withdrew some macaroni from the now almost empty pot. "Want a bite?" She lowered the fork for Leah to see and was glad when she felt her accept it.
At least she wasn't too depressed to eat.
Leah lifted her head away from Meredith, hastily chewing her mouthful of noodles.
"Is it good?" Meredith asked with a small smile.
"Mmm," Leah nodded, opening her mouth wide, leaving Meredith unable to help but chuckle at the display in front of her.
She gave Leah another bite before taking one herself and continued the alternating process until Leah pulled away, shaking her head.
"Full?"
Leah nodded and yawned, replacing her head to rest Meredith's chest.
Meredith rubbed small circles on the young child's back as she continued to pick at the macaroni. Her stomach was slightly larger then tot size, after all.
When she was finished, Meredith decided she needed to go check on the other kids.
As she started to pull away from the island, though, she felt Leah falling into her. Meredith quickly stationed her hands around her and looked down at her slumbering form.
Meredith wrinkled her brow, never even realizing she had fallen asleep.
Her plans quickly changed as she decided Leah needed to be put down for a nap. In her wet playpen…
"Crap," Meredith whispered, squeezing her eyes tight as she ran a hand through her hair.
Couch, she thought. It was the only alternative where she could keep an eye on her that she could think of.
Meredith, ever so gently, lifted Leah into her arms and carried her away to their new destination.
The Legos.
She would have to tell the boys to clean up, in case Leah work up and decided to have desert when no one was looking.
"Boys, do you mind…" She stopped in mind sentence once she rounded the corner.
Everyone was asleep.
Beth was curled up on one end of the couch, her head half under a pillow and another tucked under an arm while the boys were piled together on the floor, only feet way from the television set, their empty bowls of macaroni and cheese lying next to them; Beth's resting on the coffee table.
They were asleep.
They were not asking questions, or watching obnoxious cartoons, or beating up on each other. Quiet. They were quiet, and dreaming. Sound asleep.
Meredith tried to fight off a yawn of her own as she smiled down at the peaceful children.
Who were all asleep.
She placed Leah on the opposite end of the couch and pulled the coffee table up to the ledge, creating a barrier so Leah would not fall, then got down on her hands and knees and began piling up the Legos. Just in case.
After the last one was placed back into its container, Meredith got to her feet and couldn't help but look again at sight that lay before her.
Asleep.
She smiled to herself and stretched, fighting off her own tiredness. She wasn't exactly sure what to do now. The kids were asleep. Was she supposed to sit there and watch them the entire time? Make sure nothing happens to them while sleeping?
When the conniving little yawn finally broke through her lips, Meredith decided it best to at least be semi productive. Work. She would focus on work.
Meredith walked across the hall and into the den. It was perfect. She could get some work done and check up on the kids only a few feet away. She sat down at her desk and pulled out some paperwork she needed to catch up on.
After what felt like forever- in reality was only 3 minutes- Meredith dropped her pen in need of a break.
The rain had begun to come down heavily, slamming pellets against the window in a pitter-patter noise. It was rather soothing. And relaxing.
She lowered her head to the desk, deciding to give herself fives minutes to snooze and recharge. That's it, then back to work.
As she let out a deep sign and closed her eyes, her mind began to wonder, and she was out like a light.
Meredith was sucked into a deep, tranquil, sleep so quickly she never even heard her cell phone chirp the all to familiar ringtone, 'Love In an Elevator', from her bag in the hall…
I know. I'm horrible. I haven't updated this in forever. I'll give you all the short version and say, real life sucks. My semester was awful. Seriously. I planned on having this done mid-May but I needed some serious time to recover. It was that bad... Anyway, I never stopped writing (I rewrote it twice) and/or thinking about this story and I will write it until it is finished. I have no intention of just letting it go, or not updating again for as long as I did. So, for everyone who is still reading it, I thank you greatly :) And more will come, I promise! PS, reviews would be wonderful. I really like knowing what people think :)