as well as a side story to Erin Mills' 'The Shadows'
JOB OFFER by Erin Mills
The universe, as has often been observed, is a frigtheningly big place. Not only is it infinite in terms of space and time, but add the complexities of an infinite amount of realities being bounded by borders that are easily breached by those with the knowhow, and it becomes so vast as to make major cosmologists want to give up and spend the rest of their lives off in grassy meadows tending sheep. Naturally, anything that is this complex is bound, over time, to develop some sort of intelligence and to take an active interest in it's ailments. The universe has been sentient for quite a few millenia now. However, it's intelligence is more a sort of instinct rather than any logical calculative type of thought. Kind of like an animal. Many animals have portectors in the society of the human race and the universe is no exception. The "Save the Universe" Foundation has observed with dismay the alarming number of people that are finding ways to break through the universe's carefully crafted barriers with out so much as a "by-your-leave" and then proceed to cause major screw ups in the realities they invade. Therefore, They have decided that what these wayward travellers need to be kept in check is someone to keep an eye on them and make sure they don't turn the realities they visit into a hopless mess of causality. A guide, if you will.
This is the story of how one ordinary woman caught in an extraordinary event became one of these guides...
The Nerima district of Tokyo has long been the migraine headache of the universe. Something about this collection of streets, shops and homes tends to invite more mayhem, chaos, and cross-dimensional rifts per square meter than the now infamous Unseen University of the equally infamous Discworld off in one of the more neglected realities. It, therefore, seemed logical that the Guide for Nerima be one from a Nerima where things had settled down somewhat...
Reiko Tsereba, late of the Tokyo Police, tossed her shoulder length black hair and sipped her tea while looking out the window of Ucchan's. It had been nearly two months since the death of Ukyou Kuonji and three weeks since Ranma Saotome's unsuccessful attempt to bring her back from the dead. During those three weeks, Reiko had not had the best of luck.
The police, deciding in the way of all bureaucratic organizations confronted with something they don't understand, had buried the incidents surrounding Ukyou's death and the battles with the malevolent Ki-Spirit that had robbed her of her life. As a result the grave robbing charge against Ranma had been dropped and the aiding and abetting charge Reiko was facing for helping him resulted in a deal; The Tokyo PD dropped the charges and Reiko tendered her resignation. Case closed.
I really can't blame them though, she had thought at the time. If one of MY officers came to me with some wild tale about a soul-sucking Ki-Spirit, I probably wouldn't believe it either.
Reiko sighed and looked at the clock. 11:30. Her resignation would be final at noon. "Is everything all right, Reiko-san?" Akane asked coming from the back of the store. Reiko was startled out of her memories and looked at the younger girl. "Yes, everything's fine, Akane." the disgraced officer replied. "As fine as it's going to get, anyway." "I'm sorry you lost your job." Akane said. "It's all our fault." "No, it isn't. It isn't anyone's fault. Just like it isn't Ukyou's fault for dying when she did." Reiko glanced at the portrait of Ukyou hanging on the far wall. "It's all right. I'll still have my memories. And this..." She reached under her jacket and produced a .45 automatic pistol. She removed the clip and placed it on the bar. Akane's eyes widened. "They let you keep that?" "They had no choice." Reiko said. "It's mine. It belonged to my father when he was on the force. He left it to me after he died." "He must have been proud of you." Akane said. "He was. But not as proud as he would have been if I'd been his son, instead of his daughter. He always wanted a boy. Anyway, I vowed that I'd make him proud of me by becoming as good an officer as he was. He always thought I'd make Captain one day. So did I. But now..." "What will you do?" "Probably what every other ex-cop does whose been forced into an early retirement. I'll become a private detective, spying on cheating couples who want divorces,
fighting with bill collectors. The pay'll stink, but at least it's a living." Akane nodded sadly.
It should be noted at this point that Reiko Tsereba had quite a few qualifications that would lead to the most important lunch date she would ever have. First, she had what few people in her universe did;
knowledge that the universe was indeed a great deal stranger than people think. As such, she could adapt quickly to bizzare occurances and people. Second, she had the tenacity to deal with those who were somewhat rigid in their beliefs. She had done this with regard to her partner Lt. Keibu Watanabe when Ranma was a fugitive wanted for grave robbing. Finally, she had the skills honed during her ten years on the police force that would come in handy if any unforseen trouble should occur. She was a natural athlete.
She had some training in several martial arts, and was unique in being the best female marksman on the force in her version of Nerima. So, when a large silver car came zooming past the Ucchan's at fifty miles per hour, with what looked like a small nuclear bomb attached to the roof, Reiko did what came naturally...
"I'm going after them!" Reiko pronounced. "You can't possibly catch up with them!" Akane protested. "They'll be miles away." "The streets around here are narrow and curve at unnatural angles. They'll have to decrease speed soon.
Besides, my resignation isn't official until noon. I still have thirty minutes left." Reiko snatched up her gun,
slammed in the clip, and clicked off the safety. "Which way to the roof?"
She found the car a few blocks away. She was beginning to see why Ranma and most of his friends went by rooftop whenever they travelled around town. There were no people or buildings to get in the way. She leaped from the roof she was on to the ground,
startling a few people in the process. The car was only a few hundred meters away. There was a cab coming down the street. Reiko dashed in front of it, causing the driver to slam on the brakes.
She got in the passenger side of the car and flashed her badge. "Sgt. Tsereba, Tokyo PD. I'm comandeering this vehicle. Follow that silver car." The cabbie complied and in moments they had caught up with the car. It was apparently heading towards downtown Tokyo. "What the hell are they doing?" Reiko thought.
Inside the silver car, the driver of the car turned to his companion. "What the hell is she doing?" he demanded. His companion, a young woman looked out the rear view mirror. "I don't know. She just jumped in the cab and followed us. I think she's a cop." "Perfect." the driver sighed. "Well, we don't have the time to deal with her. We've got to get this damn reactor back to the Cafe before they realize that it's missing." "I still can't believe you stole that damn thing. What were you thinking?" "I wasn't being paid to think! I was being paid to steal the thing, strap it to the car and tear around the streets here for an hour then bring it back." "You got PAID?!"
"What the-?!" The phrase exploded from the lips of both Reiko and the cab driver as the woman in the passenger's seat reached out and began to throttle the driver. The silver car swerved all over the street, knocking over garbage cans, toppling a few newspaper kiosks, and scaring the living bejeezus out of a few pedestrians. "Right." Reiko said. She pulled out her pistol,
double checked the clip, and clicked off the safety. "Get as close to that car as you can without putting us or anyone else in danger," she ordered. The cabbie nodded and was about to put the pedal to the metal, when he saw Reiko pull her hair back, secure it with a rubber band, and lean dangerously out the open window of the cab.
"What the hell are you doing?!" The cabbie asked. "I'm going for the tires." Reiko responded. "Now shut up and drive." Reiko blinked back the tears caused by the wind streaming over her face. She leveled the pistol with her right hand and used her left to steady it. Soon she felt the trance take over. "The trance" was how Reiko described the feeling that came over her when she knew a shot was going to hit exactly where she wanted to. The world seemed to cease existing.
Sounds, smells, everything faded into the background. There was only her, the gun and the target. She waited until it felt just right...and squeezed.
The rear driver side tire exploded. The car began swerving even more crazily than before. It was obvious that what little control the driver had over the vehicle was now long gone. "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Reiko yelled to the pedestrians on the street. The car did a 180-degree turn, flipping itself onto the driver's side in the process and proceeded to slide another 50 meters before coming to rest against a storefront. In the distance, sirens could be heard. The cab pulled to a stop, and Reiko leaped out of the car. She flashed her badge to the growing crowd. "Tokyo Police! Stay back!" She walked up to the car cautiously, her gun at the ready. She called to the occupants of the car. "This is Sergeant Tsereba of the Tokyo Police Department! Step out of the car and keep your hands where I can see them!"
Nothing happened. Reiko frowned and stepped closer,
ready for an attack. "You have until the count of three, then I'm coming in after you! One!" Silence. "Two!" There was a sound of movement in the car. Reiko tensed. "Three!" She charged forward, keeping low, then leaped up to the upturned side of the car and pulled open the passenger door. She stared for a moment in shock at what she saw. "What the hell-?"
The car exploded in a flash of blue light. The assembled crowd threw their hands over their eyes in pain. After a moment the blaze faded, revealing...
Nothing. There was no car, no debris, no bodies mangled beyond all recognition. Only the damage to the street itself and a pair of skid marks even indicated that a car had ever been there.
In the distance a clock struck noon.
End of Act I
Reiko tried to see through the haze of her vision.
Trying to make sense of the colors and sounds that were assaulting her. After a few moments the images formed into a crystal chandelier hanging from a ceiling. And the sounds became voices.
"...sure she's going to be all right?" "Yes, perfectly. The force shield I installed in the reactor kept her from being lost in the timestream and suffering any permanent ill effects." "Surely you must have realized how dangerous that course of action was, Doctor." "It was the only way he could think of to get her here. I didn't like it any more than you do." "Excuse me, Doctor, but your table is ready." "Excellent, we can continue this discussion over lunch, Ambassador. Come along, Jennifer, David. " "Don't you think we oughta stay with her?" "Believe me, David, things are going to be confusing enough for her as it is, let's not complicate the situation." "If you say so."
After the voices had left, Reiko groaned and sat up.
She instantly regretted it. Her head hadn't felt like this since the morning after her high school graduation when she found herself buck naked at the top of Tokyo Tower with a cow and an unconscious Mormon missionary. Talking her way out of THAT had been fun. Anyway, she appeared to be in some sort of reception area of what looked like a posh restaurant. There was a sofa, a reservation desk and a six armed gorilla in a tuxedo looking at her with faint disapproval.
"Excuse me, madam, but do you have a reservation?" The voice sounded familiar. Reiko had heard it before on some old records her old roomate had brought from England. What was the guy's name. Cleese?
"Madam?" Reiko realized that she hadn't answered the ape. She struggled to her feet. "Just a second..." she said. After making sure her legs would support her weight, she straightened her clothes and took the rubber band out of her hair. "Now, what was that again?" she asked, studiously ignoring the fact that she was talking to a six armed ape with a tuxedo and a British accent. "May I have your name, please, madam?" the ape asked,
a bit exasperated. "Reiko Tsereba." The ape gestured her over to the reservation podium and glanced down the list. "T..T's... TS...TSE.. ah, here we are. Tsereba,
Reiko, lunch date with Mr. Lazlo, West Wing, the Albatross Room. Does madam require an escort?" "That would be nice, seeing as how I've never been here before." "Most certainly, madam. Oh, Ed!" A large shaggy pile of purple fur bounded out of nowhere to the podium.
"Ed, would you kindly show Ms. Tsereba to her table?
She's having lunch with Mr. Lazlo." "Ed" made no sound but shivered in a bizzare sequence of shakes. "I know you don't like Mr. Lazlo, Ed, but liking the customers isn't what you're getting paid for is it? Now,
kindly show Ms. Tsereba to her table...or do I have to get Mr. Jobe in here?" This was the first time Reiko had ever seen hair stand on end, without apparently being attatched to anything. The ape turned to her. "I'm terribly sorry for the delay, madam. May I check your sidearm?" Reiko reluctantly surrendered her father's gun and accepted the claim check for it.
"You may pick it up when you leave. And may I be the first to welcome you to the Cafe Eternium."
Ed led Reiko through several rooms, each one having a different atmosphere than the others. She was surpised to see so many identical versions of people she knew. There were Akanes, Ranmas, Shampoos, Mousses and Ryogas. And if she looked, she even saw a few Ukyous in the mix. She resisted the temptation to go over and introduce herself though. After all, Ukyou would have no idea who she was anyway.
If one is wondering why Reiko seems to be so accepting of the current situation, it is because the initial shock of going through a time and reality warp to the Cafe and having a conversation with a large ape and a pile of fur has now worn off, and she has come to the conclusion that there is, in fact, a completely logical reason for all of this...
"I'm dead, aren't I?" Reiko asked the gentleman across the table. Lazlo had turned out to be an albino gaijin in a white linen suit. He was very eloquent and neat in his speech. "Dead?" Lazlo repeated. "No, of course not. Whatever gave you that idea?" "Well, the fact that I'm seeing things here that couldn't possibly exist for one. As well as multiple copies of people I know. Now, I'm not much on religion but it seems like the only place for this kind of thing to happen is in the afterlife." Lazlo smiled. "Amazing, simply amazing. You manage to come up with a completely logical answer to such an illogical place. They were right in deciding on you." A waiter came up and asked for their order. Reiko ordered the shrimp cocktail while Lazlo had prime rib. "So," Reiko said after the waiter had departed. "If I'm not dead, where am I?" "It's a little difficult to explain. Have you ever read much science fiction?"
An hour later, Lazlo had explained the basics of transreality travel over their main courses. Reiko had listened, asked questions, and, with the aid of testemony from several other diners, believed every word of it.
"Okay then," she said, putting down her fork. "What do you want with me? I'm pretty sure it wasn't just to give me a very nice lunch and expand my knowledge of reality." "Quite right," said Lazlo, reaching into an inner pocket of his jacket. "My organization wants to give you a job. A very special job." He tossed a round, brass object on the table. "We want you to become a Guide." Reiko picked up the piece of brass. It was hinged like a pocket watch and was engraved with several hexagons bordering on one another as well as the legend "Reality Is Not An Absolute." Reiko opened the object. It turned out to be a compass. It had all sixteen points and a needle, but the indicators for the directions were missing. "What is this?" Reiko asked. "It's a compass." Lazlo replied. "A Reality Compass.
It's designed to let you track down wayward dimension hoppers and help them get around to where they need to be.
It doesn't have any directions on it because you aren't officially a Guide yet. But if you accept, then it will give two permanent settings, wherever you decide to make your home and the Cafe Eternium. Other settings will appear when you need to track down someone." "What do you mean 'wherever I decide to make my home?'" "I'm afraid, Ms. Tsereba that, as far as your home dimension is concerned, you're dead. I'm afraid Jennifer and David weren't as careful as they should have been when I asked them to bring you here." "Okay, I'm willing to accept that. It was a pretty big flash of light. Probably scared the hell out of the crowd. But I've still got more questions. For instance, why me?" "We saw your handling of the Ki-Spirit that had killed Ukyou Kuonji in your home universe. We also saw how you were unjustly forced to resign. We consider being a private investigator to be a waste of your talents when they could be made useful as a Guide." "Exactly who do you work for, Mr. Lazlo?" "I am a member of an organization called the "Save the Universe" Foundation. Similar to the Save the Whales campaign on Earth. We are looking to protect the universe from those who would either accidentally or purposefully attempt to change other realities for their own ends." "Sounds like a very noble goal. How successful are you?" "There was a slight problem some years ago with a group of megalomaniacs that attempted to become an immortal being with godlike powers but we manged to straighten them out...and then there is that fiasco in Washington, D.C. but that is being sorted out as we speak. By and large, however,
we tend to keep things relatively stable, so I would suppose you'd call us a successful enterprise." It was time for the big question. "What would the job entail?" The deal was fairly straightforward. It seemed that every so often, a group of dimension hoppers managed to make a total hash out of every reality they visited. Whenever this occured she was to meet them at the Cafe and proceed to help them around the realities until everything was put right again. She would be exactly what the title was. A Guide. "Well, Ms. Tsereba? What do you say?" Reiko thought for a moment about everything she had seen and heard. It seemed crazy, but she was convinced that it was all true. And if Lazlo was to be believed, she had nothing to go back to anyway. "Sure." she answered.
THE BEGINNING...