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思考
At the present moment I am relaxing in a chair on the balcony with a drink beside me, looking out at the city lights of Tokyo. This is one of the techniques I use to clear my thoughts and help me relax after a trying day.
I begin by disengaging myself from all the disagreeable inconveniences that sprung up today–– difficulties with a supplier, a club employee caught stealing, a very persistent salesman that managed to corner me in the elevator; but once I have done that, one thought remains.
Akihito.
As I dealt with one situation after another today, Akihito never drifted far from my mind.
Each day my feelings toward him seem to grow stronger. I had considered seeking him out this evening so I could subdue the craving and bring it back under my control.
Except the last time I tried that, it didn't work. The craving increased. Isn't this characteristic of an addiction?
Rather than to seek him out, I should distance myself from him for a while until this feral hunger subsides. I'll give it a few weeks, and then I'll seek him out and renew my claim on him.
A simple solution for a simple problem.
麻見 隆一
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There was a report lying on my desk when I arrived at work today. It was the latest surveillance on Akihito. My assistant was going over my schedule with me for the day but it was difficult to concentrate on what he was saying. The presence of the report was irritating me.
The folder sat on my desk in front of me; tangible and glaring evidence of my obsession with Akihito. As soon as Kirishima and I finished discussing the day's agenda, I picked up the report without bothering to read it and tossed it into the trash bin. "You can cease surveillance on Takaba," I told him.
Kirishima brought his hand up to his face to push his eyeglasses up. A subtle gesture that indicated I had caught him by surprise. "Yes sir, I'll see to it."
I worked in my office all afternoon keenly aware that the report sat in my trash bin. I could have had one of the secretaries empty the bin, but having it there was a good exercise in self-restraint. Proof that I am mastering this.
Glancing toward the trash bin, I could see the corner of the folder peeking out. Which is worse- - giving in to temptation or never having your curiosity satisfied?
Damn it.
I reached into the bin and pulled out the report.
There was nothing significant in it. Akihito had been hired to take photos of children at a daycare center. Later that evening, his friends had come over to his place to hang out and drink. There was an interesting bit about him trying to purchase something at a camera shop, but apparently they had sold out of what he had wanted. I should find out what it was and get it for him. Later of course, once this feeling of hunger diminishes.
The report also contained a few photographs that had been taken of him. I removed the pictures and locked them in a compartment inside my desk. I tossed the report back into the trash and called for a secretary to come empty it.
Out of sight, out of mind.
麻見 隆一
.
Once again, I am relaxing in a chair with a drink in my hand. I am no closer than I was before to resolving the emotions that threaten to overtake me. It's not as easy as I thought it would be.
Akihito kept popping up in my mind even during the ride home. He's been in both limos with me now. I've also driven him myself twice. I suppose I could switch to one of the other cars, but that would be an indication of weakness if I went out of my way to avoid the cars he's ridden in.
I went out to the harbor to inspect a shipment today. My office at the warehouse–– this is where I first took him. I had brought him there to punish him for meddling in my affairs, but somehow it didn't go as I had planned. The engineer was hoist with his own petard. What delicious irony.
And here in my own place there are strong reminders–– particularly having to do with my bed. Before, it had simply been a place to sleep. Now when I go to lie down I feel like something is missing.
It's not only sex I desire from Akihito. Something about him is calming and refreshing to my soul. I am energized just by his presence.
The more one denies themselves something they desire, the stronger the craving becomes. However, the significance behind my denial goes much deeper than a mere craving. And now I come down to the truth of it.
Denial and cowardice are one and the same.
I could waste time by looking back and wondering at what point had he managed to wrap himself so tightly around my heart, but it doesn't matter. Why should I fear it? Is it really such a terrible thing? If I feel so strongly about Akihito, why don't I simply bring him to my side?
This is why––
夢
I am standing on top of a mountain. Other people are standing on the slopes, a few just below me. Most are much farther down the slope, but I am at the very top. The main problem is that just behind me is a dark, bottomless void. Just one small step back and I will fall. Another problem is the ground I am standing on constantly shifts beneath my feet. I must adjust my stance when necessary to maintain my balance.
I've become quite skilled at it, as I've been doing this for years. I know eventually a wrong step will cause me to fall, but I have a while longer yet. I look down and see Akihito's large determined eyes looking up at me. Somehow he has made his way up the treacherous slope and is now clinging to the ledge I am standing on.
What am I going to do? I must make up my mind quickly before he loses his grip and slides back down out of my sight.
I'd be sacrificing the extra space that allows me to keep my balance with relative ease, but it would certainly be nice to have someone to keep me company in this lonely and cold place. I reach down to offer him my hand. He is reluctant to try to take it because to do so might cause him to lose his hold on the ledge, so I roughly grab him by one of his hands and pull him up.
Once he's beside me, I realize how precarious my balancing act has become. It's challenging, but if I hold him close to me it should be possible for us to find balance together. However, Akihito has no experience with this and he stubbornly refuses to let me hold onto him. There is barely enough room up here for both of us. He's going to end up falling into the void.
He takes a small step back to prevent me from wrapping my arms around him, but this causes him to lose his balance. A shocked look flashes across Akihito's face.
I could just let him fall. It is the law of nature that only the strongest should survive. Or I could grab him and swing him to a safer position. It would save him, but the momentum of this movement would cause me to fall.
There is no question this is what I must do. I reach out to grab him and successfully swing him back to the safety of the narrow ledge. Now it is me who is losing my balance. I realize it's his fault that I am going to fall, which triggers a surge of anger in me. I decide if it's inevitable I am going down, I will not fall alone. Instead I tighten my grip on him and yank him over the edge with me.
I feel my whole body jerk as my bed suddenly catches me.
The meaning behind this dream is clear. My lifestyle is not compatible with having a personal relationship. It would be supremely selfish of me to drag him into the complexities of my life. There would be too many dangers for him with the kind of life I lead. If he was willing to follow the strict rules I would need to lay down for him it could possibly work, but I doubt he's the type who would abide by the restrictions.
And the most disturbing element of all–– I had pulled him with me into the abyss. It's possible that my very nature, the chaotic beast inside me that I've spent so much energy successfully controlling would break loose and destroy him in the end.
I should not attempt to bring him to my side. I should let him go.
No. He is mine.
I will never give him up.
Contemplating all these thoughts, I realize how much power that dyed-haired brat has over me- and that's not even the most concerning point.
The most concerning point is that a perverse part of me enjoys that.
What would he do if he discovered this?
He will never know. And I will figure out a way to hold onto him and yet still keep him at a safe distance.
One piece of mail I received today was about this year's International Symposium on Business and Management to be held at the Sheraton Bay Hotel, along with a request for me to be a speaker at one of the seminars. This conference is actually a three-day event, but there were only two other seminars I had originally planned on attending. I've decided that I will attend all three days and book a room at the hotel for its duration. A change of routine and scenery is long overdue.
麻見 隆一
.
Surprisingly, attending every seminar kept me quite busy. I had also received a message that my trade partner in Hong Kong, a man by the name of Cho, would be coming in Japan within the next day or two. He wanted to speak with me personally about some matter. I sent a response requesting that he contact me at the hotel once he had arrived so that we could arrange for a time and place to meet.
It was only at night that I really had time to think about Akihito. Finally acknowledging my feelings for him seemed to calm much of the turmoil I had been experiencing. My mind felt clearer than it had in days, which led me to wonder why I had been getting so worked up over such a ridiculous thing in the first place?
As I sat pondering this, I heard my phone ring. Picking it up, I saw the caller was Takaba Akihito.
Akihito is calling me?
I answered and heard Akihito's nervous voice on the other end. "It's me... um... you know who, right? I have to see you..."
Akihito was asking to see me. And I really wanted to see him. I told him where he could find me and he said he would be there as soon as possible.
I called up one of the men who had been assigned to me during my hotel stay. "Takaba Akihito is on his way to see me. Make sure you let him through."
I lit a cigarette and waited for Akihito's arrival.
麻見 隆一
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"The engineer was hoist with his own petard"- (a quote from W. Shakespeare's Hamlet) literally, the bomb maker was blown up by his own bomb. To be caught by your own trap.
Delicious irony- Asami finds it amusing that the outcome from his actions toward Takaba turned out turned out to be the opposite of what he had intended.