a.n. Thanks to everyone for the kind reviews on the last chapter. I really appreciate it. I'm terrible at responding to them personally, so just know that I read every one, and that I love you for taking the time to leave your words (even you anonymous guest reviewers).

Here's the next installment. Let me know what you think.

Standard Disclaimers apply.

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Chapter Seven

Kate Beckett stormed into her apartment, slammed the door behind her, threw her empty holster on the kitchen counter, and flopped down on the living room couch. She had never been so angry in her entire life. She couldn't believe after all this time, all the effort she had put into becoming the best cop she could be that she could be so…so stupid. The captain had rightly suspended her, pending a formal investigation, and Beckett knew that she'd be extremely lucky if she weren't fired after that investigation was completed.

It had been three months since Castle had kicked her out of his life. They had been a miserable three months that had culminated in her almost getting herself, Ryan and Esposito killed because she could no longer focus. It made her so mad that Castle still had all this power over her. It made her mad at herself for ruining the one thing in the world that was guaranteed to work if only she gave it a chance. She sat there on the couch for a long while trying to calm her nerves, wondering what else in her life could go wrong.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a loud knock at her door. Kate groaned and forced herself to get up. The last thing she needed was to see someone right now. She just wanted to be alone to think, to try to understand what she could do to fix the clusterfuck that had become her life. Throwing the door open without seeing who was on the other side, she came face to face with Lanie Parish, who had a look of absolute fury on her face.

"How dare you!" Lanie shouted, pushing past her friend, throwing her purse off to the side. She spun on her heels and faced the detective who just stood there in shock. "How dare you put them in danger because you can't get your head out of your ass? How could you be so selfish? How? Explain it to me, Kate. How could you let this happen?"

Kate walked back to the couch, her head hanging, her dark curls framing her face. Sitting down, she put her head in her hands and said, "I don't know, Lanie. I'm so fucked up."

Lanie took a deep breath and sat down next to her friend. She was mad. "You are, Kate. And you have to get it figured out. Either go tell that man that you need him, and that you'll do anything you can to prove it, or get over him. Those are your options. You've let this mistake of yours affect you for the last three months. You've pushed us all away, and your inability to see that you're having problems put your partners at risk. Don't you get that?"

"Goddammit, Lanie, don't you think I know that? Do you think I did it on purpose," Kate shouted, her emotions getting the better of her. "I've ruined my whole life in the matter of three months. I pushed the man I love away, and made him believe I don't love him. I put the men who've had my back for more than a decade in harm's way because I couldn't focus on my job. And because of that, I've probably lost my job forever. That job has defined me for so long that I don't know what I'll be without it. So don't you dare tell me that I don't get it!"

Taking a breath, Kate looked up and in a softer voice said, "I don't know what to do, Lanie."

Lanie sighed, letting go of some of her anger after seeing the look of desolation on her friend's face. "Oh, sweetie, I don't know either, but you have to fix it somehow. Right now you're torturing yourself because of the mistake you made, and the rest of us are paying for it right alongside you. One of the things I know is that Richard Castle loves you. He has been fighting for you for almost five years, and the only reason he stopped is because you lied and pushed him away. Another thing I know is that he is one of the most forgiving men I have ever met. Look at how many times he has forgiven you in the past. I don't think that the situation you're in is unfixable, but I also think that you are going to have to be the one that fixes it. He's done with you, so you're going to have to fight for what you want. You have to make him listen to you."

"How Lanie? He won't accept my phone calls or texts. How do I make him listen if he won't even talk to me?"

"You are a detective of the highest order, one of the best this city has ever produced. You are also one of the smartest people I have ever known. You'll figure something out."

Kate shook her head disbelievingly, not knowing what to do, but she said nothing, hoping that her friend was right.

"Now, what are you going to do about your job?" Lanie asked hesitantly.

"There is nothing I can do now. They'll investigate the incident, and then let me know. There are several things they can do, really. They can suspend me and require me to go through some extra training, they can do that and bump me down a grade or two, or they can fire me. I led those boys into a trap, and refused to wait for backup. It's my fault, and I'll just have to suffer through the consequences. I have to apologize to them, no matter what. I can't believe I did that. If one of them had been hurt or killed I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Well at least you know you did wrong," Lanie said, standing up. "What do you think the NYPD will do?"

Kate shook her head, "I don't know. If it were me? I'd fire my ass. It's what I deserve. But in reality I just don't know. I'm suspended until they decide, and then I'll figure it all out."

Lanie nodded. "Well I've got to get back to work."

Kate stood and walked her to the door. "Thanks Lanie."

"Sometimes girl, you just need to be hit upside the head and kicked in the ass. I'm your best friend, that's what I'm here for," Lanie said with a smirk. "I'll call you in a few days. If you make progress with your writer, call me and let me know all the juicy details."

Kate smiled, waved and shut the door behind her friend. She made her way back to the couch and flopped down, thinking about what she could do to solve her problems. Since Castle had sent her away she hadn't been herself. She hadn't been able to focus on her work, and this afternoon's colossal fuckup wasn't the first mistake she had made these last three months. She knew that her breakup with Castle was behind her inability to focus and do her job, but despite months of waiting and thinking, she still had no clue what to do to get him back.

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She woke the next morning with a stiff neck after falling asleep on her couch. She pressed her eyes shut, trying to shut out the painful sunlight which streamed through the windows of her apartment. I need coffee, she thought as she stood up, stretching her stiff muscles.

As she made her brew, she thought back to her fight/conversation with Lanie the day before. Her friend was right about everything, yet Kate still had no idea what to do about it. Figuring she would take it a step at a time, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Ryan.

"Ryan," he said.

"Hey, Kevin, it's me. Is Espo right there with you?" She assumed as it was still early in the morning that they would be at the precinct.

"Yeah."

"Can you put me on speaker?"

"Sure," he said cautiously. "Done. What's going on Beckett?"

"I needed to apologize to you guys. I totally messed up that whole situation and I put you guys in unnecessary danger. I'm so sorry. I don't…I don't know if we will ever work together again, but if we do, I'll never let it happen again."

"You're forgiven, Beckett," Esposito said. "While you should have listened to my boy here, nothing actually happened, so we're all good."

"Yeah, we're fine. We both have appointments for an interview with IA this afternoon. We'll put in a good word for you Kate," Ryan said.

"Tell the truth guys, don't risk getting in trouble just to cover for me. Whatever happens, happens. I'll deal with it."

She talked with the boys for a few more minutes, and after apologizing again, she said her goodbyes. With that done, she felt a little better. She had messed up, and now that she knew that her boys didn't hate her, she could focus on her bigger problem: Castle. Looking back down at her phone, she pulled up her contacts and tapped his number. She waited while it rang, hoping that this time he would answer. It rang four times before it went to voicemail. Dammit, Castle, she thought, frustrated by his silence.

She pressed the end call button without leaving a message, and put her phone down on the kitchen counter. She took a sip of her coffee and tried to think about what she could do to make him listen. Thinking about it for a while, she picked up her phone again and dialed Martha's number, not expecting her to answer either.

"Katherine, darling, what a wonderful surprise," Martha said when she picked up. Kate was almost too shocked to answer.

"Martha, thank you for answering. Your son is ignoring me and I really need to talk to him. Do you know where he's at?"

"Of course, dear. That boy is about as stubborn as you are I'm afraid. But he's been miserable these last three months, what between pushing you away and healing after his ordeal. I think it's time for you two to put this thing to rest, don't you?"

"I do. But I can't if he won't talk to me."

"Come on over. He's here hiding in his office, pretending to write. I'll let you in, and then you can talk."

"Thank you Martha, I'm on my way." Kate ended the call and went up to her bathroom. There she showered, reapplied her makeup, and changed into new clothes. Feeling more like herself, and more confident, she made her way to her car, trying to steel herself for the fight that was sure to come.

Don't give up on me yet, Castle. I'm not done fighting for you…

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a.n. So know that this chapter is a little low on action and drama, but I think that Kate would need a kick in the ass in order to actually deal with this problem after Castle kicked her to the curb. She's the type that would hide from the problem, let it fester, and then only deal with it once she had to if at all. So this kick in the arse was delivered by Lanie.

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