a.n. Two chapters in two days. Normally I don't do this, but this one just kinda wrote itself. Hope you like it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You guys are all awesome.

Disclaimer: In some other alternate universe, I own Castle, and I have renewed it for eternity. In this universe I don't own Castle and I worry that we won't get a season 8. Please ABC and AWM prove me wrong.

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Chapter Eight

It took Kate 10 minutes before she could gather up enough courage to knock on the loft door. On her ride over, she thought frantically about what she could say. She knew that she would have two hurdles she would have to get over before they could move forward together. First she would need to make him listen to her, and then she would need to have him believe her. She had no delusions about the difficulty of what she was about to do. She knew it would be hard. It might be impossible, her traitorous mind offered.

Finally she knocks, hoping to see Martha's friendly face on the other side of the door. When the door opens, it isn't Martha on the other side.

"Alexis, I-" she starts, confused as to how to handle the situation she's in. She knew that Martha would be glad to see her, but she's not sure how Alexis will react. They haven't exactly been close since Kate had come back from her summer away.

"Detective Beckett!" Alexis says with a smile, leaning in to give Kate a hug. It takes a moment for Kate to respond, so sure was she that the teenager would hate her after the way the detective had treated her father. "I'm so glad you're here. You have to talk to him. It's been terrible these last few months, and I think you may be the only one who can fix him."

"That's why I'm here. I'm going to try," Kate said, pulling back and looking the younger woman in the eyes. "Can I ask, though, why don't you hate me? I thought for sure you'd hate the idea of me being anywhere near your father."

Alexis sighed, stepping aside so that Kate could enter the apartment. "I don't hate you. I'm not happy that you've hurt him so bad, but I don't think that you meant to, and if you're really going to try to fix your mistakes, then I'm willing to keep an open mind. I just don't want him to be hurt again. He doesn't deserve it."

"I know," Kate said, giving the girl's elbow a squeeze. "And I promise that I won't hurt him again, and that I'll do everything in my power to fix this. Now where is he?"

"In his office. He doesn't come out of there that often anymore. Only a couple times a day, and one of those times is for his physical therapy."

"How's that going? I should have been here to help him. I should have fought when he sent me away."

"You should have, but you're here now. He's doing better physically, but he still doesn't have a full range of motion, and his leg is still in a boot. Doctor says it'll be at least a year before he's back at full strength."

Kate nodded, and then made her way to the office door, leaving the teenager behind. She had to do this before she lost her nerve. She had to do this for him. For them.

Knocking on the door, she held her breath, knowing that he was on the other side. "Come in, Alexis," came a muffled voice. She quietly opened the door and stepped inside, shutting it behind her.

"It's not Alexis," she said, her voice steady. He looked awful. It was clear that he hadn't shaved in a few days, his hair was helter-skelter, and he had large circles under his eyes that told her he hadn't been sleeping.

He looked up from his laptop and said, "Beckett, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I want to talk, we need to talk, and you're avoiding me. That ends now."

"Oh yeah? What if I don't want to talk?" he said, getting angrier.

"Right now, it doesn't matter to me what you want. You're going to sit there and listen to me, or I'm going to send you back to the hospital. Understand?" she asked. Not waiting for him to answer, she continued, "Rick you and I have existed for the last few years on subtext and innuendo. It was fun, it was our thing, but it doesn't work. All it leads to is hurt and confusion, and it's time we put it to rest.

"You waited until the worst possible time to tell me how you feel. When you said those words, I was dying. I was in so much pain, and all I could think about right then was that I didn't want to die. I had so much left to do. It may not seem like it to you, but I want to live, Castle. I do. I know I put up a good front, but I have dreams and wishes for the future. And on that day, in that moment, I thought all of those dreams were never going to come true." She could see him sitting there listening. She knew she had his attention, at last, so she kept on being honest, "Then you said those words. If I'm honest I knew how you felt. I'm pretty sure you were in love with me for at least a year before that day, if not longer. And I knew about it. I knew how you felt, but I hid from it because I was scared.

"When I was lying there and you had said those words, I was so mad at you. So mad that you waited until I was about to die to finally tell me the truth. If I had had the strength I would have punched you in the face I was so mad. Then everything went black." She took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions under control, and the tears at bay. "When I woke up in the hospital I couldn't remember anything after the bullet hit me. It wasn't until you walked into my room that it all came back to me. At that point I had begun to realize that I wasn't ever going to be able to be what you needed until I was better. I needed to be better, Castle, not just physically, but emotionally. If I had admitted to you then that I heard you and that I felt the same, we would have jumped into it and I would have ruined it. I know I would have, because I would have eventually pushed you away, or lied about something else. So I lied, and I ran. I'm not proud of it. It was the coward's way out, and I like to think that I am not a coward. But I am. When it comes to my feelings for you, I am a coward."

"Kate-" he tried to interrupt.

"No, Rick, let me finish. You can yell and scream at me, and ask me to leave when I'm done, but right now you need to hear these things." She took a breath and thought about where she should go next. "I've been working hard in therapy to get to where I need to be in order to be with you. Or at least I was until I pushed you away four months ago. When I came back after my summer recuperating, I lied to you again. I told you that it was my mom's case that would prevent me from being in a serious relationship. It wasn't even that. All that was about was my fear of being with you and ruining what we already had. You're my best friend, Castle, and you have been for years now. I knew that if we were to be more that I'd ruin it and then I'd lose you forever.

"But I wanted more, so I worked for it. When you came to me before your stabbing and asked me if I was ready, I lied to you again. I told you that I wasn't ready, and then I said the worst thing I've ever said to another human being. I still can't believe those words came out of my mouth. I'm ashamed that they did. I'm so sorry that I said that, Rick. So damn sorry. And then you asked me if I wanted you to continue on being my partner, and I said no. I didn't mean it. I was scared. But this time I was scared of something new. I was scared that I had just ruined any chance we had of ever being more, of ever having a future. So I did what I always do, I pushed you away and buried myself in my work for the next few days. Then I came here and found that you were missing.

"I had never been so worried in my whole life. I knew then that I was ready, and that I should never have pushed you away. I vowed to find you, and tell you the truth. And I did. I was telling you the truth in the hospital that day three months ago, Rick. I love you. I love you more with every breath I take, and it has hurt so much that you don't believe me. I know it's all my fault. I know that, but God, Castle, I wanted to puke when you sent me away. I didn't have the strength then to fight you, to make you listen. I was shocked, and I knew that I deserved your hatred not your love. So I shrank away. I ran. Again. But I was wrong to do so. You've been fighting for us for the last four years, it's my turn. That's why I've been trying to call you. I wanted to give you your space, like you gave me last summer, but I also needed you to know that I'm not giving up on you. Not ever. I love you, Richard Castle. I love you," she said forcefully, willing him to believe her. The tears she had been trying to hold back were now freely rolling down her cheeks, and she was fighting to keep the sobs from overtaking her ability to talk.

His eyes were also wet, and she wondered what was going through his mind. She wanted to know if what she had said, what she had confessed, had been enough to get him to give her another chance. That's all she would need would be one more chance to prove to him that she was ready, that she was all in and that all she wanted was him. He was silent for a long time before he started to speak.

"Kate, I don't know what you want me to say. I really don't," he said, quietly.

"I want you to say you forgive me and that you'll give me another chance. I want you to tell me you still love me."

"I-" he started, then shook his head and went silent again.

"Look, Rick. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore and that you never want to see me again, then I'll leave you in peace."

She holds her breath when he finally meets her eyes. He sighs and says, "I don't want to love you anymore, Kate. I just don't want to."

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a.n. This was getting out of hand, and that felt like a good place to split up this conversation. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!