a.n. Three chapters in two days, you guys are going to get spoiled. For some reason my fingers won't stop writing this story. Thanks everyone for the reviews, you are all awesome, no matter what that other person says about you. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, for obvious reasons.

xxxxxxxxxx

Chapter Nine

Previously…

"Kate, I don't know what you want me to say. I really don't," he said, quietly.

"I want you to say you forgive me and that you'll give me another chance. I want you to tell me you still love me."

"I-" he started, then shook his head and went silent again.

"Look, Rick. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore and that you never want to see me again, then I'll leave you in peace."

She holds her breath when he finally meets her eyes. He sighs and says, "I don't want to love you anymore, Kate. I just don't want to."

xxxxxxxxxx

"You don't love me anymore," Kate sobbed. She readied herself to leave. She had to get out of here. She couldn't stay in the same room with her failure.

"I didn't say that, Kate. I said I don't want to anymore, but I still do," he sighed, running his hand through his messy hair. "I don't know if I can forgive you this time. And even if I could, I don't know that I want to. You talked a lot just now about what you went through, but you said not a word about what you put me through. It's one of the problems we have, Kate. No matter what situation we find ourselves in when it comes to our feelings, it is always about you, when it should be about us.

"I know that you went through hell. You were shot, Kate. You almost died. I watched the lights go off that day, and I thought I'd never get a chance to tell you that I love you more than life itself. If that weren't enough, you actually flat-lined twice in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. You have no idea how scary it is to watch the woman you love die before your eyes not once but three times and not be able to do a damn thing about it." He took another deep breath, trying to contain his own emotions. Kate just stood there in shock, never having heard his side of the events of that terrible day. She hadn't even thought about what it must have been like for him. Is that really how selfish I am, that it didn't even register that I wasn't the only one who suffered that day?

He continued, "Then you were fine. I came into that hospital room full of hope and joy. Not because I was hoping to start a relationship with you Kate. I knew that even if you felt the same that you wouldn't be there yet. I also knew that you were with Josh. I came into that room just happy that you were alive. God, you have no idea how much it hurt for you to turn me away after three minutes and about 20 words. But even that pales in comparison to the next three months. I didn't know if you had died, if you were getting better, if you had anyone there to look after you, or if you were all alone. I spent every single day sitting here in this office thinking about how much I missed you, and how much I wanted to help you. I was also feeling guilty. I thought at the time that you had gotten shot because of me. I opened your mom's case up again, and got you shot. It took two months of sitting here by the phone for me to finally get my act together and get out of this office, and I only did that because of Alexis. I couldn't sit here and drown myself anymore. I had to move on.

"And I was in the process of doing that when you showed up at my book signing. I was so mad at you. But like I always do, I forgave you and came back. I always forgive you Kate. It's who I am deep down, and when it comes to you I can't seem to help myself because I am so in love with you that sometimes I can't breathe because of it." He looked up at her and met her gaze. She saw the tears running down his cheeks now, saw the hurt that she had put there because of her own selfish instincts to run and hide from this sweet, courageous, generous, loving man. She knew then that no matter what happened between them that she would never truly deserve him.

"So yes, Kate," he whispered, "I do love you still, and I probably always will."

"But you can't forgive me, can you?" she sobbed.

"I don't know. The lie doesn't matter Kate. I know why you lied. I understand it because I understand you. I can forgive you for that because I know that you underwent something horrible and that you needed time to get over it and get yourself put together. I've been waiting for you, Kate. I would have kept waiting too. Even that night at your apartment, I would have kept waiting. All you would have had to say was 'I'm not ready, yet, but I'm working to get better for you, Castle,' that's it. And I would have let you off the hook again.

"But what I can't get past is that at that moment instead of saying that you wanted me to keep waiting, instead of giving me some hope that you were still there with me, you decided to lash out. Instead of telling me the truth, you continued to lie and you continued to hide. It isn't what you said, it's what you didn't say. You didn't tell me the truth, even after I had already found out about your first lie. You just kept right on lying to me and to yourself. It hurts and I'm not sure I can forgive you, no matter how much honesty you've put forward today."

Kate sighed. "I know you are in this for always, for forever. I knew that three years ago. That's what I want too. I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting. I'm sorry for not being honest with you about my feelings. It was so unfair of me, so selfish. You're right about me, you know? It is almost always about me. When my mom died, I had to think about myself because I had no one else to do it. She was gone and my dad dived into a whisky bottle. I had no one until you came along, and I fought you tooth and nail when you tried to break your way past my walls. You know I did. Even now, after realizing that I love you so damn much, I have a hard time letting you in." She wiped the tears off her cheeks and stood up straight, making her decision. Martha was right. They needed to put this to rest. She just wasn't right about where they should go.

She looked down at her hands and then back up at him. "You're right about it all, Castle. I'm going to go. I shouldn't have bothered you." She quickly walked to the office door, but paused before she walked through the door way. "I love you, Castle. I always will, no matter what. But you're right. I'm too broken to be with you, and you deserve so much better than I will ever be able to give you. Please be happy, Rick. You deserve it."

She opened the door and walked out through the loft, luckily not finding Martha or Alexis in the living room. She held her emotions in until she reached her car. Leaning against the steering wheel, she let out everything she had been holding back. Her body was shaking uncontrollably, sobs coming and going, tears streaming down the curves of her cheekbones. She had never felt so lost in her entire life. It was over. There was no hope for them anymore; no reason to fight. Castle had been right about her. She had done this to them. It was all her fault, and there was nothing she could do now.

They were done.

xxxxxxxxxx

She finally made it back to her apartment after sitting in her car for over an hour sobbing and crying harder than she had ever cried before. Even when her mother had died, she had never felt this hopeless. She sank down on her living room couch and cried even more, grieving her loss, and torturing herself with a flood of what ifs.

Hours later she was startled awake by a sharp wrap on her front door. She jerked her head up and looked at the clock on the wall. It was a little after 6PM. Her stomach rumbled due to the lack of food, but she ignored it, not having any inclination to feed herself. She stumbled towards the door, threw the lock, and opened it enough to see who was on the other side.

"Castle…" she breathed. "What…."

"Hey, Kate. Can I come in?" he asked, giving her a small smile.

xxxxxxxxxx

a.n. Let me know what you think of this. Yes I know I ended it on a cliffy again, but if I kept going this would be 5000 words and that's just too long for one of my chapters. Reviews please!