Chapter 15: Sanctuary

"I am not reckless!"
Vincent moved towards me like something that was hunting, his eyes burning with anger and I tried to return it, even as he stood over me with his face holding no emotion other than that rage that burnt through him. He had me cornered in my cell, knowing I wouldn't push past him to leave because of his wound, despite the fact it had been a week or two now. Time seemed to drag on, ever since the attack, drawn out by Andreas visits and the cheap meal of noodles. Nothing good had happened, we were all walking on egg shells; trying not to make any sound, trying not to ripple the calm water that we were currently floating in, and it was driving me crazy.
"Then what the hell were you doing outside the fence? Did you tell Rick? Did you tell anyone?" he bellowed, not afraid of hearing his own voice echo along the concrete walls.

Looking away from him, I stared at the bloody gloves on my hand, my black tank top smeared also and I wiped some of the gore on my arm off, smearing it around in my fingers. Even Michonne had been accepted, Rick and the others welcoming her and my brother also, but I still felt stuck on the outside, unable to open that locked door and find a purpose for myself here.
"No, but I'm fine." I responded quietly, looking up at my brother through a tangled fringe, "I just wanted to get rid of some of the walkers on the fence,"
"You stay on this side!" he yelled and I flinched as he lifted his hand, he was probably only going to grab my shoulder but flashes of my father forced me to cringe. Vincent saw and sighed, turning away and I thought he was going to leave me but he spun back around, his face more twisted with worry then anything.
"Dam it Jasmine what the hell has gotten into you?"
I could do nothing but shrug my shoulders, taking my gloves off and dropping them to the floor as I sat on the bed, lifting my shirt up to clear the blood from my face. Vincent sighed heavily, dropping himself beside me and I shifted away slightly.
"I don't know what you're thinking, but don't do anything stupid! We have made it so far, you have made it so far, don't throw it away."
"I'm not throwing anything away!" I snapped but this time Vincent didn't respond, just stared at me like a big brother would until I had to look away.
"I don't know, Vince, I don't. I just," I dropped my hand to where my scar was, thinking of all the pain I had been in and how things seemed so different now.
"I feel like a different person, I can't, it's like I have a thing inside me and I can't seem to calm it down."

Vincent chewed his lip, nodding his head and gently put his arm around me, pulling me into him, and I offered little resistance.
"You're still my little sister, no matter what happened to you, no matter what your name is; you're my family."
Trying not to chuckle I pulled away from him; how could I tell him that I didn't feel anything the same anymore? Yes he was my brother, yes I loved him; I had a safe place to live, I had something between myself and Daryl and friends here, that was all the same, but I wasn't. I just knew I wasn't.
But I had to hold onto whatever I remembered of myself, for the benefit of everyone else; they didn't need another person to slip away from reality.
"Just, don't be rash, even if it isn't for me, do it for Daryl."
I forced a smile to my face, Vincent kissing my temple before leaving.

The quiet I welcomed, starring at the blood and flecks of flesh on my hand, my fingers unable to stop rubbing it, the texture odd in my hand. The dark red substance was almost brown and I remembered having Vincent's blood seep over my hands, a patch of it stained into my cargo pants but I wasn't going to cut it off or find a new pair, I was going to wear them, a reminder of what the Governor almost took from me.

A figure leant on the wall at the entrance of my cell and I tensed, expecting Vincent or even Rick but it was worse. Daryl leant there, watching me and played with the arrow in his hands.
"He got a point you know?"
"I know." I sighed, wanting to disappear but instead I got to my feet, snatching up the rag and wiping the blood away the best I could.
"Rick ain't as bad as he was before, you don't have ta risk ya life to prove nothin to any of us, you already one of us."
I rolled my eyes; it wasn't so much trying to prove myself, I don't it was anyway, but I didn't want to admit that I also liked the feel, to be out there, to have no thoughts other than that walker other than to fight and live.
"He is isn't he?" I said, remembering when we had returned, how he seemed to snap in half. Not that anyone could blame him but this business with the Governor, it was far from over. It seemed to be in the times of absolute strife that Rick had the clearest mind. If there wasn't mud for him to trudge and fight through, it seemed he didn't know what to do with himself.

Stepping toward Daryl, I reached out to him but he stood straight, looking down at his feet and I dropped my hand back to my side. Ever since the attack, since Daryl had returned to the prison with Merle, it had only been words between us and the odd touches. It stung that Daryl was distancing himself and I felt like I would slip further away if he did anymore.
"Gotta go talk to Rick, got a meetin with this Governor."
As quick as he could, or as it seemed, he turned, heading down the cell block towards the entrance. My mouth opened to call him back but I was feeling too angry, to upset to shout after him so I ran out, not caring how silly I looked as I rushed past the cell Carl and Beth were in, baby Judith cooing happily.
"Daryl," I caught up with him, slipping my hand in his and he stopped, spinning around to face me.
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked him, watching as his face softened and he pulled his hand from mine to rub away some blood I had missed on my chin, but even once it was gone he didn't let go and I felt a small smile tug at my lips as he stared at me before closing the gap, kissing me tenderly. I was about to wrap my arms around him when he pulled back, dropping his hand and fixing his crossbow over his shoulder.
"Everythin's fine."
"Be careful," I murmured and Daryl gave me smile.
"Promise you'll stay here?" he asked and I sucked in my bottom lip, biting it painfully but I managed to nod my head and it seemed enough for Daryl.

He turned away from me, walking towards where Rick and Hershel were ready to go. My blood sparked, it felt wrong to have them leaving; the Governor could not be trusted, we should all be going! I joined everyone outside, watching as they climbed into cars and I crossed my arms as Daryl started his bike, driving away with one last long look at me. If anything happened to them, I made up my mind the second the three of them left our sights, I would hunt down the Governor myself. We all stood there, not sure what to do now; just left again in the waiting game.
"Right, well we have work to do." Glen reminded us, ushering us all back inside.
"Hey Jasmine," I paused, looking to Merle who stood at the gate, his finger clinging to the fence as though they were holding him back rather than keeping him safe.
"What is it Merle?" I growled, crossing my arms over my chest as he approached me, noticing Vincent out of the corner of my eye lingering in the entrance.
"Nothin, just wanted to let ya know that my brother is more of a pussy; he would rather go without then to suffer the consequences."
"What consequences?"
Merle gave me a twisted grin, his eyes trailing over my body and I squirmed; I must still look like nothing but tender meat to him, but give me the chance and I would prove him wrong.
"The Governor, he ain't gonna stop till everyone dead. Daryl got a soft spot for everyone here, for you. He would rather keep you at arm's length than to snuggle up close with you at night, not when he knows it might be gone tomorrow."
I bit my lip to keep my face straight; Merle was all talk, I knew that but sometimes it only took words to make me angry now days.
"But you know, I don't care, I'm here; if you need someone to fill in that cold spot in your bed and that ache between-"

My hand stung as I slapped him but I kept the pain from my face, holding my ground as Merle laughed and pointed his bayonetted hand at me. It had surprised him but I was sure it surprised myself more. A red imprint of my hand slowly grew on his check and I longed to give his other cheek a matching pattern but my hand really did hurt.
"Well, I knew you had spark when you fought those men before I came in, but I never realised you were vicious. I like that, we all need people like that, you need that."
"Shut up Merle, you have no idea what I am capable of."
I turned away from him, my limbs starting to shake but I fought it off and gestured to Vincent to leave it be, my brother having come half way down the stairs.
"I'd sure like to find out!"
I stepped inside, glaring at him before I slammed the door shut; I preferred it when he stayed in his little cage.

The rifle was heavy in my hands as I sat in the watch tower, tapping the butt on the ground lightly as my impatience engulfed me. I hated this, I hated this waiting, this not knowing! In the prison it was stifling, the weight of the unknown and the fear pressing down harder than the smell of rot as they sorted through the guns and ammunition, putting stashes of it around the main prison points. I was put here, stuck sitting in a chair and watching over the area before me. Binoculars sat in my lap but despite the bright sun I could easily see the forest border and the road, and all the walkers. They lingered in the yard and I sighed, leaning back in the chair and lifting the binoculars to my face, making sure that all the stumbling corpses were just that, dead. Like the other half a dozen times I checked it was all quiet but I knew that didn't mean I could slack off; the Governor and his men could rip up the road again and attack us again, and if they got to that last fence then there really was no point in staying.

I didn't know what to do or what to think; should we stay or should we go?
Merle had been right the other day, if we were going to leave we should have done so ages ago, there was probably a group of people just sitting there watching me back, we couldn't sneak away easily but it was just as hard to stay. One fence stood between us and destruction but at the end of the day that fence was worth fighting over; we had struggled for so long to find something worthwhile, worth the time and effort to make it home and this was it. As much as I didn't want to die, I didn't want to live like a coward.
I stared down at the ground below me, thinking how easy it would be to step over the metal railing, to just let go and then I wouldn't have to worry…
"Get a grip," I hissed at myself, getting to my feet and holding the gun. I walked around the tower, almost hoping something would jump out of the bushes just so I could take some of my anger out on it.

I had no idea how long I had been up there, minutes or hours and I was about ready to find myself a new bottle of water when I heard a gunshot.
Did something get past me? Was this another attack?
I hung the rifle over my shoulders, practically sliding down the steps before I shoved the door out of my way, cocking a bullet into place as I ran back to the prison, flying across the courtyard and up the steps. There had only been one shot, but that didn't mean knives weren't being used and I forced the door open, aiming my gun but I felt my grip relax on it as I watched Beth lower her gun, a cold look on her face before she stormed away and I turned my gaze to the tangle mass of people on the ground, Maggie helping Glen to his feet. Merle spun quickly to his feet, a look of fury upon his face as he snarled at us.
"You're a bunch of pussies! Gutless!"
I knew what this was about, Michonne rolling her eyes towards me and shaking her head, stepping away from the scene and I sucked in a tight breath as Merle rolled his shoulder, eyes still glaring at us as though we were all worms beneath his mighty feet.

"Don't do anything stupid; that was all you were meant to do." I growled, stepping down to his level and he frowned at me but I didn't back away, "Would Daryl want you acting like this? You think you're the only one worried in here?"
Axel stood beside Carol and they watched on, sharing a look with Maggie and Glen who were obviously worried about Hershel, about everyone and I held Merles glare.
"I'm just as worried as you are, just as eager to get out there and do something but just sit tight, arsehole."
I pushed past him, handing the rifle over to Carol who agreed to take over for me, Axel following her out the door and I sighed, trying to catch my breath as I walked back to my cell.
"Wait," Merle growled, catching up to me and pulling me out of ear shot of everyone left in the cell block, the metal covering his stump cool against my arm and I tried to look uninterested as he spoke.
"You're a good tracker ain't ya? A good shot Daryl reckons, quiet. You could come with me, we could end this today."
I shook my head, "I'm not doing anything that would risk their lives, or the lives that are here."
Merle sucked in a breath, lifting his face up away from me angrily as if swearing to God and I just shrugged my shoulders; it was hard to turn him down.
"Besides, I promised Daryl I would stay here."

Turning to leave again, Merle grabbed my shirt and I was ready to turn and slap his hand away but as I looked up at him, the real Merle stood before me, full of curiosity and genuine emotions.
"Why do you care for my little brother? Back when we had our lovely little chat, you said you loved him, why?"
How the hell was I going to answer that, why did he care?
"I just do. He is a good man."
Merle nodded, sincerely asking for the care of his sibling and I realised that Merle wasn't as horrible as everyone first thought. He was much like Daryl, a mask in place to protect the real person that was beneath, only no one had given him the time or the chance to learn how to control that mask, to make sure it didn't fuse. Life had hardened Merle, and even though he was still an enigma to us all, probably to Daryl as well, I could see that mask start to crack each day he was here, and it was scaring him.
"Good. You keep your word to me now, you watch out for him, I don't trust these other kind folks, they ain't got the potential to do what's right like you and I do."
"Even though Daryl does?"
He looked at me sharply and leant against the wall, crossing his arms and I tried to ignore the fact that he just admitted he trusted me. Not that he really had much of a choice or many other people to choose from, he had tried to kill half of the people in here.
"So, you and my brother; what's he like? Does he like to snuggle or does he like to get straight to business?"
I rolled my eyes as the old Merle reappeared and stormed away to my cell.

As if I could lie to myself; I was terrified.
The harsh fabric of the pillow beneath my cheek kept me in reality, kept me from being too lost in my thoughts. Rick, Hershel and Daryl returned safely, but instead with any hope they returned to tell us that we were at war. Rick seemed oddly confident as he stood in front of us, telling us that we were at risk of losing our lives to a psychotic person. The Governor was only after blood and chaos, as if there wasn't enough of that already, it had to be against humans, against something that could fight back and suffer more than a reanimated corpse. We were at war, if you called it that, a senseless battle which I feared we would not survive.

I pressed my face harder into the pillow, rolling onto my side and cringing as my side ached with a ghostly pain; I didn't want anyone to die, I didn't want to have to fight, I didn't want to see anyone in pain. Since I had come back from the dead, survived a bite that I was meant to succumb to, I had a drive and a rage that scared me and it sat in me like a new limb to my soul, that or it had replaced a part of me. It sat there like a demon on my shoulder, whispering to me when it was quiet that I wouldn't care if I killed people, that I would enjoy ripping their lives from them if it meant that it would keep everyone here safe. It scared me and I tried so hard to control it, to numb it away or cool it down with my rational thoughts, but the thoughts I was having were old, out dated. They didn't fit in this world anymore; you kill and you live, Rick said it himself. He may regret saying things like that, but it made sense, it was a motto I was ready to stich onto my heart, but there was one thing that stopped me from doing so.

The white sheet I had hung over the door frame of my cell moved, a shadow standing behind it for a moment before it was pushed aside. I lifted my gaze to Daryl who let it fall back down behind him, walking over to me silently. He didn't have his crossbow on him, his knife was nowhere to be seen and I lifted myself up, my legs pinned down as Daryl knelt on the bed, leaning over me and tracing his hand up my side and to my face. We remained silent, it was a day where words needed to be screamed and secrets revealed but I was grateful that it didn't have to be that way with Daryl. It spoke a million words that he was here with me now, watching me with those eyes and besides, as he pulled my face to his, kissing me ardently, all my words and thoughts flew from my mind. My arms became weak with glee, returning his touches and strokes as he held me close to him. They weren't touches that left flames in their wake, they were touches and kisses that reminded each other that we were cared for, that we were not alone and I felt my heart and soul ready to burst with the love and admiration I had for Daryl.

Leaning down, Daryl stretched out beside me and kept his arms around me as I curled in on him, burying my face in his chest and he kissed the top of my head. I entwined our legs, my way of making sure he didn't go anywhere and I closed my eyes tightly, listening to the strong beat of his heart beneath my ear. I was luckier than most, I would also admit that, I still had my brother and my dog and now I had Daryl back; if only other people could be as lucky as I was. The prison was the perfect shelter, we wouldn't be going without a fight, but I never felt as safe as I did in Daryl's arms, the sanctuary he offered to me, I just hoped that he found something like that in me. As we lay there in the silence, the night creeping in, it struck fear into my heart that it may be the last night I had like this with Daryl and I wished that people would simply be happy with the fact that they had their lives. Darkness surrounded us soon and I felt Daryl tighten his grip on me and I clung to him, the tension in the prison hanging heavily in the air, suffocating us.

Thanks for reading!

Silver Kirin xXx