Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart

xXx

Chapter 4

May 1982

xXx

The knocking on the door would not cease. Annoyed, he got up to answer it. Who would come to see him in such a storm? Who would come to see him at all? A particularly nasty, and rather vulgar remark died upon his tongue.

"Lily?"

"I didn't know where else to go." Her voice was flat, without a trace of emotion.

Severus moved aside to allow her into his flat. "You're soaked." He cast a Drying Spell on her and then summoned a blanket from the linen closet.

"Harry is at my mum's place." She said, her eyes focused on his bookshelf. "It's her night to take care of him. James and I had an evening alone planned. First time it was just the two of us in… Merlin, I can't remember when. We were going to have a quiet supper together. Try and reconnect."

Severus felt something like a snake twist and bite in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Lily and her husband "reconnecting" with one another.

She went on. "Then we had this huge row and I had to get out of there, and then it started to rain and…."

"Sit down. Let me put the kettle on." Severus went into the kitchen and filled the teapot with water. He returned with two cups of hot tea. Lily accepted hers but did not drink. Instead she held it in her hands to warm herself. She ran a thumb lazily over the flower patter on the side.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked tentatively.

Lily shook her head. "Dumb, really. Such a stupid thing to argue about. He used to say that after we were married things wouldn't change between us. He wouldn't treat me any differently, or make me into something I'm not. He used to value my opinions; he always said how smart and accomplished I was and that he loved me for it. Only now… now all he seems to want is a wife to stay at home and have his children and look pretty for him at Mugwump conferences. I told him that maybe I wanted things, too, and maybe they involved a career that didn't consist of changing diapers all day. And then, and then…."

"Yes? What is it? What happened?"

"Oh, Sev," Lily bit her lip to stop herself from crying. She was a woman who did not give in easily. "It was awful. We were arguing, shouting at one another, and James kept on telling me to forget it, but I wouldn't back down and… and he made like… he was going to draw his wand."

Severus sat up bolt straight. "Lily, did he do something? Did he—"

"Hex me?" she answered. "No, but I think for a moment he wanted to."

Severus felt his rage build in his chest. Arrogant, strutting James Potter. Bad enough the Gryffindor had bullied him throughout his school years, but to threaten his very own wife. To threaten Lily. Severus' fingers were clenching and unclenching on their own. The frail cup shattered.

"Sev." Lily pointed her wand at the shards and spoke a Repairing spell. "Those were your mother's. Please try to stay calm."

He was on his feet now and began to pace the room. "You can't come into my home and tell me something like this and tell me to stay calm! What did he do, Lily? What did you think he was going to do?"

"I don't know. He's never raised a wand to me before, and we've had some spectacular rows. But I outdrew him." She gave an odd, bird-like laugh. "James was always pits when it came to dueling. I drew my wand first and he saw that he could not get the drop on me. That shook him out of it. Then he started to say that he had just let it all get out of hand and that he didn't mean it and he begged for my forgiveness.

"So, there I was with my wand pointed straight at my husband and… and this is where it got really scary, Sev. I was looking at James and I swear to you it was like I had no idea what he was doing there with me. No, honest. I felt this cold wave of surprise, like when you're stuck in a dream and you know it's a dream because it doesn't feel right and you want to wake yourself up but you can't. I felt like James and Harry were nothing more than a bad dream and I wanted to wake up, but I didn't know how."

She was trembling all over now, but still she would not allow herself to cry. "Is that not the worst thing you've ever heard of? A woman thinking her husband and son are part of a nightmare? I don't know what's wrong with me, Sev. I think I'm going mad! Maybe I should go to St. Mungo's."

Severus sat back down next to her and took her hands in his. "What are you feeling precisely?"

"You'll think I'm a complete nutter. There are times when I'm with James and I catch myself staring at him, just watching him standing by the door or reading a book and it's like I don't know him at all. Like he's a shadow. A stranger. Or he'd say something sweet to me, and it felt like it was coming out of the wrong mouth. It's just, ah, it's just wrong. Did I marry a man just for money and security? Am I just sick and need to have my head examined?"

Severus put his hands on her shoulders. "You are not sick, Lily. Are you certainly are no galleon digger."

She looked at him. "Am I a bad person? You must think me so wicked."

"No. I certainly don't think that."

"Then why am I here?"

"We're friends," he said. "Good friends. You knew you would be safe here."

She smiled a bit. "You're my best friend in the world, Sev. And I think I hate you for it."

"Hate me?" He was taken aback.

"For saying that we are friends. For coming into my life and filling this gap and making me feel, making me think…."

"I don't understand. I thought I was a perfect gentleman."

"There you go again!" She squeezed his hands until he felt the curve of her nails dig into his flesh. "Don't you dare leave me to think I am alone in this. Don't you sit there and tell me that you didn't feel something that day in the park. Like you had been sleep walking and then suddenly you were awake."

He tried to escape those eyes, those beautiful, terrible eyes. "Lily."

"You felt it too! I know it. I see how you look at me, and when you touch me it's like a bolt of electricity going through my skin. I've been reading those books you bring me and I believe that this is old magic at work, Sev."

He gave a half-smirk. "That's ridiculous. That's—"

"Woman's magic?" She flashed him an angry glare. "Is that you're way of saying it's made up nonsense? Because I don't think it is. I believe that something is going on between us, Sev. We seem to know each other, intimate things that we should not know. I knew that those old cups with the periwinkles on them belonged to your mum. I knew your favorite tea was blackberry. I-I used to see you in my dreams, before we even knew each other's names. Explain to me how that is possible."

She was very close to him now. He could count all the freckles across her nose and cheeks. He could smell the vanilla and cinnamon in her hair. And she was another man's wife. This, whatever it was, had to stop. "Unrestrained Occulemency," he said. "We could be reading each others' thoughts without realizing it."

She glared at him. "That is possibly the only stupid thing I've ever heard you say. You know as well as I that it takes years of training to become a Legilimens and that eye contact is essential. That is not what is happening here. Tell me that you are not having the same visions that I am. We knew each other from before."

A red haired girl on a swing twirled her pretty pink toes in the dirt. She took a book from his hands, as if they had been friends forever. She laughed and he felt his world turn over. Severus had to put some distance between them. "I… I do not know why these things are happening, Lily. I do know that you have been through a terrible ordeal and should rest. I'll make you a Calming Draft and things shall seem clearer in the morning."

He got up but she followed. Her small hands on his forearms were deceptively strong. "Coward!" she cried.

He stumbled as if she had slapped him. "Don't call me that."

"You are! You are afraid of the situation, of me, so you're running away and pretending nothing has changed."

"It has changed, Lily!" He seized her arms. "I was a respectable Healer trainee before I met you! I was on my way to achieving great things. Now because of you I can't concentrate on my work. I can't sleep through the night. I think of you constantly, and to what purpose? You are married, and even if you were not what would you want with me? A snarky, ugly misanthrope with no money and nothing to offer. Besides, right now you're very angry with your husband. Everyone knows that the quickest way to spice up a boring marriage is to find a dupe to stir things up. Is that what this is? I don't fancy on being a part of something… sordid."

"Why not?" When he did not answer Lily took another step towards him. "Why not, Sev? Is it because you feel the same way about me that I feel about you? You love me."

"Don't! Do not try and make a fool of me. I got enough of that from your husband and his friends at school."

"We're not talking about him. Tell me that you didn't know me that day at the park."

"I admit that I felt an immediate attraction to you, but that could be easily explained by chemistry and a tight blouse."

Lily put her hands around his neck, gripping him tightly so that he could not get away. "That attitude may have worked on keeping everyone else at bay, but not me. You won't push me away, Sev. I'm not a bad woman. I didn't get married only to grow bored and have an affair. I know this is wrong, but I can't help but love you. I need to know that this is real and that I am not going insane."

"And then what? You'll go back to your husband and forget that I ever existed?" The thought hurt more than he believed anything in the world could. Without intending to he put his hands around her waist and hugged her close. She was so small in his arms. The top of her head barely reached his shoulder. "Please don't forget me, Lily."

"I could never forget you, Severus. Never again."

He kissed her. Her mouth was sweet, like cherries. Her body melted against his. If this were part of some sort of insanity, he would endure it all. Happily.

xXx

January 1977

xXx

Potter had humiliated him, again. For no reason. Again.

Severus pushed his way through the jeering crowd. Some shoved him and called him names. Nothing very imaginative, but then again, Gryffindors were not the smartest bunch at school.

Others tried to pelt him with snowballs. However, he was no longer held under a full Body-Bind Curse by two wizards while a third hung him upside down and nearly gagged him on soap bubbles. He was now able to cast a powerful Shield Charm to not only block the projectiles but to hurl them back at their casters. He shot them one last snarl and turned back towards the castle.

"Hey! Hey, there! Wait up."

He ignored the voice behind him and continued walking. From the corner of his eye he saw the Head Girl running to catch up with him. Elkins, or something like that. She had long red hair that spilled out from under her woolen hat.

"Will you wait up a mo?" she wheezed and clutched at a stitch in her side.

Severus stopped. "Well, what do you want?"

She gasped for breath. Her face was flushed from the cold. "A-are you okay?"

He sniffed in annoyance. "Spectacular. I always enjoy being publicly humiliated by my enemies in front of the entire school. Now, if you'll stop wasting my time—"

"I'm sorry, for what James and the lads did. They can be such berks sometimes." Her face went as red as her hair. "James promised me he'd give up this childish behavior if I agreed to go out with him. He did seem to be more mature this year. I guess he didn't plan on me seeing this stunt of his. Have they been doing this to you a lot?"

"Since when does a Gryffindor care what happens to a Slytherin?" he snapped. "Especially one that's been kicked around by her boyfriend? Why did you interfere anyway?"

"Because no one else would!" she snapped back. "You're not very well liked, are you?"

He shrugged. "There's a tragedy. I'm really broken up about not being loved by the brainless masses. So, what exactly do you want?"

She straightened up and glared at him. "A thank you would be nice. And an apology, for saying that to me."

"I'm not apologizing for… Potter had me hanging by my… everyone was laughing." He felt his face burn and turned his head aside. Why couldn't that girl take a hint and leave him alone?

"I know. That's why I came to make them stop. But you said that you didn't need help from a… girl. As if being rescued by a girl is so bad."

"It is! I was getting teased enough as it was. Now they'll be merciless, having my butt saved by the Head Girl. Like I cannot protect myself from a bunch of slackers. You should have minded your own business!"

"Well, I'm sorry for wanting to help you out of an unfair situation! I mean, three against one. Four really, if you count Remus, not that he does anything but look in the opposite direction. And James being Head Boy, always strutting about the school, all while preaching about fairness and being noble towards his fellow wizards."

"I'm not worthy of his concern, apparently. Potter has hated me since the first day I came to Hogwarts."

"Why?"

"Does someone like that need a reason?"

She shook her head. "He promised me he stopped hexing people for the hell of it. Arrogant, lying git! He thinks he can tell me one thing and then act however he wants to, so long as I don't know about it? Like I'm some sort of fool and that he's so smart? How can he even get a broom off the ground with that fat head of his?"

Despite his best efforts, Severus was starting to like the girl. "Yeah. Big Head Potter."

She looked up at him and laughed out loud. "Oooh, I like that. I'm so mad right now I could hex something!"

"Remind me never to make you mad again."

"Be man enough to accept my help next time and you'll stay off my list." She shot him a knowing grin. "You're a clever boy, so I'm not worried."

Severus felt himself blush for a second time and tried to hide it under his hair. "How do you, ah, know I'm clever?"

"You were the only one to produce a Protean Charm on the first try in Flitwick's class."

He felt his blush increase. "You noticed that, did you?"

"It was a very complicated spell. I would have figured it out first, if you hadn't have beaten me to it."

"Is that so?"

"Yes that's so," she replied. "I'm first in all subjects."

"Not in Charms, obviously," he smirked. "Not in Defense Against the Dark Arts. And not it Potions."

"Hold it right there." She gave him a slight jab with a mittened hand. "There's no way you are better in Potions than I am. Professor Slughorn says I'm the best in his class."

"Funny. I recall he said the same thing to me."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "This sounds like a challenge."

He did his best not to smile, or at least not to smile any further. "You bet it is."

Her grin was bright and very pretty. "Are you sure? Don't summon up the Fiendfire if you can't control it. You might get burned, dungeon dweller."

"We'll see who gets burned, tower trudger. It would be easier and less painful if you admit defeat right now."

"Not a chance! I'm Lily, by the way. Lily Evans. And don't you dare have a go at my name. No flower jokes, right?" She held out her hand.

"I'd save that anger for your parents, where it belongs. I'm Severus Snape." Her hand felt warm and sent sparks through his body. He gasped a bit and let go. They marched towards the Potions lab side by side.

xXx

What began as rivalry turned into friendship. Lily and Severus soon became Potion partners and a month later they were dating. Lily invited him as her date to Slughorn's Valentine's Day Ball. She slipped a heart-shaped, candy-pink bit of parchment into his hands.

"I'll see you on Valentine's Day," she said and got on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.

Severus could not explain his good fortune. He could not remember ever feeling so happy. Had someone slipped him a dose of Felix Felicis without telling him? If so, he wanted to buy that wizard a drink.

On the night of the dance, Severus took special care with his appearance. He used what little coins he had to rent a semi-decent dress robe and even used spell-gel to take the grease out of his hair. He then went to wait for Lily outside of Gryffindor tower, his arms full of daffodils, her favorite.

It was not long before he saw Lily looking breathtaking in a light green dress. He began to step forward, but stopped immediately. She was not alone. On her arm was James Potter, dressed in an expensive, designer robe of Italian silk. She was laughing as she fixed a white lily on her wrist.

Severus could not breath. He could not move. It was as if someone had hit him with a Stunning Spell. He could only watch dumbly as the gorgeous couple passed him by without notice. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin followed behind them.

"L-Lily?" he sputtered.

She turned and gave him a confused look, as if she had no idea who he was. "Yes? Can I help you?"

Severus felt a numbing cold burn throughout his insides. "I-I thought… I thought that we… that we were…."

"That we what?" Lily said gently. "Are you looking for someone?"

Potter scoffed and put an arm around Lily's waist. "I think you are out of your league, Snivellus."

Black chuckled into his sleeve. Lupin merely gave Severus a pitying look.

Severus dropped the flowers and ran back down the hall. Of course it had all been too good to be true. They had all been playing a joke on him. He reached the bottom of the stairwell where he collapsed and drew his legs under his chin. No matter how hard he tried he could not stop shaking.

"Snape?"

He recognized Remus Lupin's voice but did not bother to look up at the werewolf. Tears were already spilling down his cheeks.

"A-are you all right?" asked the other boy.

"How could she do this?" Severus moaned. "I thought she really liked me. I thought she was different. How could someone like Lily be so cruel? She was the kindest, the most wonderful girl I've ever met. I loved her."

"I'm really, really sorry about this, Severus."

Severus managed to raise his head in time to see a wand pointed at him.

"Obliviate."