"My first year on the Citadel was not an easy one. For one thing getting used to Turians after having known nothing but violence with them, was about the hardest thing I had ever done. Keep in mind I went to brain camp, and lived through what happened to Kaidan."
She took a deep breath and I held mine, waiting for her to continue, she turned her eyes towards the window and brushed her hair behind her ear. Lost in a memory from long ago.
"For the most part I tried to mind my own business, stay quiet and just do as I was told. But when I did finally learn to trust, it was one of the best things I had ever done. To have you understand, you have to know the story. About betrayal, fear, guilt and forgiveness. How I almost lost someone because I was too stubborn to open myself up to the possibility that there was more to my life. More to my life than being a freak biotic, more than being the girl with Kaidan Alenko."
ooOoo
Stepping out of the shower she leaned in close to the mirror and ran a finger over the dark circles under her eyes, with a deep sigh Jane shook her head and pushed herself away from the mirror. No time to be morose, what she needed was coffee, black, and maybe something to eat.
Finding her way to the common area where there were restaurants and shops, she stopped and realized she had no idea where she would be able to find coffee here. She was early as always and lost in her own thoughts about finding coffee and maybe calling Vancouver to check on Kaidan. Kaidan, the name in her head sent waves a guilt washing through her, lost in the guilt she wasn't paying attention to the people around her, when she heard someone clear their throat. When she glanced up she almost slammed into the C-Sec officer she had met the day before. The same one she was here to meet, but he was almost an hour early. No one was ever as early as she was, but the shock on her face was lost on the Turian before her.
"Shepard, you're early."
"Well, no, not really, this is on time for me."
Garrus' head tilted to the side and his mandibles twitched slightly, Jane could have sworn he looked amused.
"Find something funny, Vakarian?"
"No, well yeah maybe, it's funny how some things transcend race and species. I'm always early, good military training."
That got the first smile that Garrus had seen on Shepard's face since he'd met her, but to his disappointment it wasn't to last, and her face was back to what he assumed was the human passive look. He hoped she would smile more, her green eyes sparked when she... he shook his head, the thought fleeing as he stared at the wide-eyed Shepard in front of him, she looked, confused maybe, he hadn't said anything aloud had he? Damn, why were humans so hard to read?
"I agree with you, but even some of the military friends I have don't think that way. Kaidan used to be all annoyed with…" it was Jane's turn to shake her head banishing the memories that were flooding her thoughts, and Garrus' turn to look confused.
"Never mind, do you know where I can get some coffee?"
"Yeah, not here though, we're going to have to head over to the C-sec headquarters, some of the humans that have joined over the last few months make the stuff. I have to admit, it smells amazing. Almost wish I could drink it." Those mandibles of his split open and Jane almost flinched at the row of sharp teeth that she only ever remembered seeing in anger. Taking a deep breath she chastised herself and forced a calm she didn't really feel to fall over her face.
Garrus saw the subtle flinch and took a deep breath, he had to go slow with her. He had been told that she hadn't been around Turians since the war, not like he had been with the humans that now worked at C-Sec.
Jane nodded towards him to lead the way, and they set out for the C-Sec office, Garrus showed her to the break room, a few of the others standing around smiled and nodded to him. Jane glanced at the faces around her, humans, Turians and Asari. They were so comfortable with each other; it was like no war had happened here. How could it be like that for them? When the war was so fresh in her mind?
The first swallow of coffee was like going home and Jane closed her eyes inhaling the aroma and savoring the taste.
Garrus was again confused. Since having Shepard almost plow him over this morning, he had seen more expressions cross over her face than anyone he had ever met. There was also the matter of how early she had been. Most of the humans of his acquaintance in C-sec over the past few months, seemed to really enjoy their sleep.
Now she looked as close to bliss as he'd ever seen any human, and it was all due to coffee. He chuckled and Jane's eyes snapped up to his over the rim of her cup, she blushed for the second time since he'd met her. His mandibles flicked open in a smile again, her reaction was almost instant. The smile and blush faded. The black smudges under her eyes darkened as a shadow fell across her face and he realized the look on her face was one he knew too well himself.
It was a soldier's look, she was looking for escape routes and calculating how long it would take her to kill them and get out. He didn't judge her, in fact he understood, the first few months had been the hardest for him, but it had gotten easier, and now he liked to think he even had some human friends. He had learned a lot since the war. Jane just wasn't as far along.
Jane felt herself freeze again as Garrus' mandibles flicked open, and too many battles flashed before her mind's eye, she felt the nerve at the corner of her eye twitch. She was going to have to learn to deal. And so far she was doing a terrible job.
ooOoo
A woosh of air left Jane as Garrus dropped her off at the Human embassy, at the end of a very awkward first day. The tour around the Citadel had gone fine, the security protocols were normal and she didn't understand what she was doing there; C-sec by all accounts was run perfectly, not unlike the police force back in Vancouver. She leaned against the door at her back and reeled backwards as it swooshed open. Catching her footing she pulled herself up to attention and snapped a crisp salute at the sight of Captain Anderson.
Anderson smiled as Jane almost toppled backwards into him. His eyes swept over her hair and face, she looked tired, her red hair normally so bright seemed dull.
He smiled as he returned her salute.
"How was your first day, Jane?"
He saw the nerve at the corner of her eye twitch as she bit down on her upper lip before answering.
"It was fine, I guess. A little awkward," pausing she took a deep breath before continuing. "Sir, what am I doing at C-sec? It seems to me that they run just fine, I'm military, sir, not," Anderson held up a hand and smiled again before she could continue.
"I know what you are, Jane, and for now the Citadel is your home base, you are my military attachment to C-sec, and effectively you are the MP for the humans here. Do you understand?"
"I do, Sir." Her words said that, but Anderson could see the haunted look in her eyes and he nodded.
"I know it's hard for you, Jane, the war, and now I'm shoving you in with them, when you haven't had the adjustment time the rest of us have had."
She shook her head and squared her shoulders at his words, he could see her bristling, "I am not that weak, Sir. I can do this, I just needed to understand."
He held back a smile and nodded. "I wouldn't have chosen you for this, if I didn't think you were the perfect person."
"I know, I thank you for your confidence, Sir, I will do my best."
"I know you will."
And with that, Anderson nodded as she saluted and he moved past her but before the doors could close he added, "Jane, I'd like you to try and get some sleep."
Jane nodded, "I'll try, Sir."
He accepted that, knowing that it wasn't going to happen; she was going to have to mend before she could put all of her old demons to rest. He was just praying he had made the right choice and that she could find peace away from Earth.
ooOoo
It had been three months at C-sec and Jane was settling in for the most part, she had made nice with most of the people that worked with her, and she could at least stand in a room with the Turians and not have the urge to rest her hand on her sidearm the whole time, just in case.
Jane drained her coffee and sat the cup on Garrus' desk. The day had started out just like any other, until Garrus hadn't met her in the common area. Three months and he had never been even ten seconds late.
She had walked into C-sec had two cups of coffee, and watched everyone else start the day and still no Garrus. She glanced at the clock behind Garrus' desk and frowned, he was almost thirty minutes late. He was never late.
She walked next door and stuck her head in to Captain Bailey's office. "Morning, Captain, have you seen Garrus? I feel like I missed him heading out on patrol or something."
Bailey glanced up shook his head before going back to the paperwork before him.
"No, maybe he went straight out, Garrus has a tendency to do things his way. Doesn't like this stuff," he gestured to the data pad in front of him. "Kinda odd for a Military man, not to mention Turian, but you've been around him long enough to figure that out."
Jane gave him a look that he caught and it caused him to chuckle, "Or you haven't, you haven't really talked to him in three months, have you?"
She gave a slight shrug and he leaned forward on his desk folding his hands together.
"I get it, Shepard, we all had issues, but they aren't that different than us, hell in fact I'd say the Turians are more like us than we ever wanted to admit during the war. Give them a chance, and I don't mean just put up with them, give them a real chance."
She gave a slight nod but didn't reply and Bailey motioned towards the door, "When you do find him, tell him he can't shove off his paperwork forever. Now if he did head out on patrol he'd most likely be by Chora's Den."
Jane rushed out of his office and back to Garrus', grabbing her things she hurried towards the exit and headed towards Chora's Den, she didn't know why but she had a feeling something wasn't right.
Bailey had pointed out to something she missed this whole time. Turians were more like humans than they realized, and point of order, Garrus was more like her than she had let herself see. They were creatures of habit; he wouldn't have just gone off grid without letting her know. She knew that, because she wouldn't do it.
Garrus was in trouble, and she had to find him, it was the first thing she had been sure of since she had left Earth.
ooOoo
Garrus blinked trying to clear his eyes, the last thing he had known was the common area, he had been standing at one of the shops eyeing up a rifle when a pistol had caught his attention, it had reminded him of the one Shepard carried, and he wondered if she ever used a rifle. It wasn't odd lately for his thoughts to be distracted by the young red-headed human, even if she never looked sure if she wanted to talk to him or kill him.
So far she had opted for silence, and he had hoped that with time she might open up to him. He had heard so much about her from some of the other humans, well more like he had overheard them.
Tales of the first biotic squad in the war. That had been his last thought before he heard the noise in the alley behind the common room. It sounded like someone struggling. Curiosity piqued, he turned and walked down the alley and that was the last thing he remembered. Voices to his side drew him out of his thoughts and he froze.
"What are we going to do with the C-sec?"
"Does it matter? We've got what the boss wants; he needs us to move out now. So get rid of him."
"Right this stupid thing, looks like a museum piece, you'd think someone like the boss could just get it himself."
"Not our business to ask now is it? Now do as I said and get rid of the damn Turian."
"Best part of this job so far, if you ask me."
Krogans, Garrus sighed, sounded like two of them, and they had relieved him of his weapons, and he was tied up. Spirits, Garrus how did you get yourself in this mess he thought as he glanced around him, but it wasn't by sight that he knew where he was, it was the sound, the steady beat that could only be Chora's Den.
Garrus closed his eyes again letting the steady beat filled his head as he waited for the Krogan to enter the room and come for him.
ooOoo
Jane entered Chora's, there were regulars there that even she was used to seeing and as she approached the bar she tapped her fingernail against the hard metal top.
"What do you want, human? I didn't call C-sec." The Turian bartender was in a bad mood and Jane narrowed her eyes, her concern for Garrus making her in no better of a mood.
"Listen, I'm not in the mood for the attitude so stow it, I have a question."
"No I haven't seen anyone by that description."
Jane's face screwed up in annoyance, "I didn't even ask."
"Yeah I thought I'd save you asking something I'm not going to tell you anyways."
Leaning a little farther forward towards the bartender Jane's eye twitched as she ground her teeth together before starting again slowly.
"I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot, I'm looking for Vakarian he's a C-sec officer. I think you know him, you know my partner about ye tall. I was wondering if you'd seen him. Have you, you know, seen him?"
Jane's hand began to glow a faint blue as her other rested on top of her sidearm, the Turian eyed her for a moment before deciding it wasn't worth it.
His eyes flicked towards a back room. "But trust me human, you do not want to go back there."
"Actually, I'm quite sure I do."
He shrugged and Jane gave a nod before heading in that direction. The music was piercing into her head; no she wouldn't let a headache start now, not now.
The door was guarded, but she didn't slow down, a biotic blast sent the Turian guarding the door to the side. She didn't stop there, in one motion she had the door open just in time to see two Krogan hovering over a seemingly unconscious Garrus.
Garrus heard the door break open and opened his eyes. The Krogan turned towards the sound and he kicked forward causing the first Krogan to cuss as he stumbled a few steps into a biotic blast that sent him back against the far wall.
It was Jane; he saw the flash of her light blue armour, and the glint of her red hair. She had come to find him? He felt a slight thrill at the thought but didn't have long to ponder on what it meant. The second Krogan had already lined Jane up and was charging her, he caught her in the midsection and Garrus heard the crash as they went through the wall by the door.
He was struggling now to finish off the restraints he had tried to get out of since he woke up. He could hear the fighting but as much as he tried his hands wouldn't come loose. In the midst of his struggle everything went silent and he stopped moving, waiting, waiting for anything. Just when he was about to believe that the Krogan and Jane had killed each other, Jane wheezing and gasping for air appeared in the doorway once again, but this time she was holding her side. She took a deep breath and moved towards where Garrus was sitting stock still, staring at her.
"What's the look for?"
"I just saw you take a Krogan charge and go through a wall, that's what the look is about, are you crazy?"
Kneeling behind him Jane undid Garrus' restraints and groaned as she stood.
"Well I was trained to fight Turians now wasn't I, not Krogan. The whole head butting bit would have been useful to know about by the way."
"Yeah I guess so; I'll have to note that in my human training manual."
"Sure, you get right on that smart ass." Jane looked around the room then back at Garrus. "What the hell are you doing in here anyways?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
Jane shrugged, "You were late."
He chuckled and shook his head, "Yeah, well for my part I'm not really sure what I'm doing here. But, I think I interrupted a robbery," he moved towards a table and picked up something that reminded Jane of old relics she had read about in history books.
"Looks old, Garrus, you should get it back to C-sec, see if you can't find out," she grimaced and what colour was left in her face vanished, and Garrus put his arm around her to keep her from falling.
"Yeah we'll do that, but first things first; we get you to see the doc."
"Bah, I'm fine." She bit her lip to hide another grimace.
Garrus shook his head and moved his hand lower on her waist, to where her hand had griped her side. She flinched but didn't make a sound. She tried to stand up tall again but fell back against him.
"Yeah, no I'd say that Krogan hurt you worse than you think. Spirits, Jane you're soft here." She could feel his talons poking slightly at her side and she pulled back. Garrus felt the motion and removed his hand.
"I'm sorry I wasn't thinking, Jane."
She nodded and she took a deep breath, "It's fine, Garrus. Let's just get the hell out of here." Garrus nodded and together they made their way out of the Den, ignoring the stares of the customers around them. In their haste to be out of there they didn't notice the Turian in the shadows whose eyes followed them, resting on the red hair of Jane Shepard, red hair he remembered all too well.
An hour later with the help of a little medi- gel and a few wraps around her waist Jane was sitting on the edge of Garrus' desk staring at the object that all the fuss had been over. But there had been no reports of theft and no one at C-sec even knew what it was. So they booked it into evidence and left it for day, a mystery that could be dealt with later.
As they stood together outside the Human Embassy just as they did every evening Jane noticed that Garrus stood a little longer than normal, he was silent, the blue glow of his eyepiece showed that he was looking anywhere but at her and she tried a smile and took a deep breath.
"Did you notice that we used each other's first names today?"
He cleared his throat in a rumbling cough before nodding, "Yeah, not very military of us, huh?"
She shrugged, "I was worried about you, it just kind of felt natural, and you are my partner after all."
"Partner, really I didn't think you saw it that way, it kind of feels like most of the time you can't wait to get away from me."
Jane's eyes dropped to where their booted feet stood together, she noticed they both stood at parade rest and it made her smile.
"I know, Garrus. I'm sorry for that, I want to work on it, and perhaps we can change the fact that after months, we're still strangers."
He nodded, "I'd like that, partner." His mandibles flicked open in what Jane now knew as a smile and she returned it.
"In honour of this new arrangement, would you like to accompany me to supper? I promise we'll find you human food, and I won't poison you. Well you know unless you like that sort of adventure. I mean hell, you did stand toe to toe with a Krogan, who knows what you're into."
Jane laughed a true full-bodied laugh that doubled her over. It was a good sound from her, one Garrus hadn't ever heard, and he hoped it wouldn't be the last.
ooOoo
Garrus stood outside Jane's room in her apartment, two weeks later. Since he had been abducted Jane and he had gotten along better than good, and things had progressed naturally in what he considered a close relationship.
But even though he had opened up to her and she knew almost everything about his life, he knew practically nothing about hers.
He had never pushed, she offered up that her mother, father and brother were in the military as well, but that was information he had already known, everyone knew the Shepards, it was a military family, they served in the same fleet, her parents Generals, her brother a Major. But by what she said she hadn't seen them in years, and she never talked about Earth or her training. Not to mention friends, she had never once mentioned friends.
But as he stood in her front room, he couldn't help but notice that there was only one picture in the entire place, it was of her and another human, male and Garrus couldn't help but wonder.
"Jane, can I ask you something?" He shouted as he heard the water from the shower shut off.
"Yeah of course, Garrus what is it?"
"I know you might biotic the shit out of me for asking, but I've told you all about my dad, and why I ended up in C-sec. But you never talk about your family, or friends."
He heard her movement in the room stop and the silence that followed actually caused him to fidget where he stood, and by the time she spoke again it felt as if time had stopped.
"It's a really long sob story, and I'm not sure it's one you would want to hear."
She stepped out of her room in a t-shirt and jeans, her hair was wet and fell in deep red ringlets down her face and neck; he tilted his head to the side and smiled.
"Jane, I figured by now that you know I care about you, I want to know everything. I get that you might not care about me as much as I do you, but," Jane shook her head and cut him off.
"Garrus, it's not like that, it's just, complicated. You know you're my partner but it's…" he chuckled, his turn to cut her off.
"Complicated, I know I get that, you've said that. Well I can take complicated. Lay it on me."
"Alright, but you're going to have to cancel our dinner plans, because this might take a while."
ooOoo
Garrus shook his head as he took a sip of his wine and poured Jane another glass from her bottle.
"So you're telling me, that you haven't even seen your parents since you were sent off to this "brain camp"? Not even since you joined the military?"
"No, my parents are busy you see, and my brother was always the perfect one, no Biotic freak there. I think they kind of wanted to forget I existed. Not to mention that we were in the middle of a war what two years ago, right?"
"Yeah but forgetting that, they didn't even come to see you after what that biotic trainer did to you?" His voice seemed strained when he spoke about her old trainer, either that or her mind just wanted her to hear that.
She closed her eyes against the memory and turned her face to the side taking a deep drink from her glass.
"No, and I'm kind of glad. I don't think I could have dealt with that."
"I'm sure you've heard it before, but that wasn't your fault."
The tension in his voice was there again, she was sure of it.
"Yeah I know, I told you about what happened in basic training, I made sure I'd never be a victim again."
"And good on you, Jane, that's the fire in you I'm starting to know and love."
Her green eyes sparked at him when he said it and he cleared his throat and took another drink. Changing the subject to the photo that had started him off down this black hole.
"So I've noticed you've left out who that guy in the photo over there is. You've danced around saying his name or talking about him."
Garrus could have smacked himself at the way he said "that guy" he didn't want her to think he was jealous, but to be fair, he might feel just a little jealous. Spirits what was wrong with him?
Jane took another drink and a deep breath.
"His name is Kaidan Alenko, we have known each other since we were children, both biotics we ended up in brain camp together, it was always just us, we only ever had each other, well and our squad." Another deep sigh and she pressed on.
"Kaidan was hurt in the last battle of the war for us, he was without oxygen for a long time, on my watch, he's been in a coma ever since. It was a rogue Turian, an officer. And the bastard got away with it..." It was all sort of blurted out before she drained the wine glass and sat back.
Garrus looked at her face, which over the last weeks had begun to lose its shadows. The dark smudges under her eyes had faded, but now as she turned sparkling green eyes at him, he understood what had caused her sleepless nights.
"You love him very much, and you blame yourself for what happened."
"Yeah, it was my squad," She trailed off and came back with a different thought.
"Did you know the war ended while we were in that cave? A war that didn't mean anything, a war that shouldn't have dragged on for as long as it did. A war where I learned to hate based on nothing more than what something looked like. You're god damn right I feel guilty. Guilty for the Turians I killed, Guilty for letting Kaidan get hurt," Her eyes locked with his and she bit down on her lip.
"And now, guilty for the way I'm starting to feel about you."
Garrus froze, not sure he had heard her right, but the look on her face said he had.
"And I'll never be able to get Kaidan's forgiveness for any of it."
She slumped forward but no tears fell, just a deep dry breath that tore at Garrus and he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her to his chest.
"Jane, Kaidan loves you, even if any of it would have been your fault, which it isn't, he would have forgiven you without asking, without even thinking."
"I'm not sure how you figure that."
"Because, Jane, it's what I would do. I think perhaps, you need to forgive yourself."
She clutched him a bit tighter and shook her head, "I'm not sure I can do that."
"I'll be right here when you're ready, I'm not going anywhere."
Even as guilt ravaged her from within she couldn't fight how right the weight and warmth of Garrus felt so she leaned into him and let her breathing even out and she began to drift off to Garrus' deep rumbling breaths.
ooOoo
The next morning found them both in much the same position and Jane almost launched herself off the couch.
"Garrus, wake up, it's morning and we are going to be late."
"Relax, Jane, we're never late, besides, we don't have to meet first, we'll just head right for headquarters."
He smiled up at her and watched her turn that colour of red he had come to enjoy so much.
"Garrus, about last night, I don't know if I can, w-what I said, I meant it but, I'm-you-know…oh hell." She dragged her hand down her face as if that would halt the tumble of words that she was desperately trying to spit out.
Garrus stood and wrapped his arms around her in a light hug.
"I know, I understand, we won't push anything, I know how you feel, and you know how I feel."
She looked up at him and pushed back from his embrace. "I do?"
"You should, Jane, I like you too, and I think, with time, something between us could work, we're so much alike, but I understand now, and I'll wait."
"Garrus, I," Tilting his head to the side he ran his talons through her hair.
"I know, and I'll be right here."
ooOoo
It was later that morning as Jane was buried in a data pad filled with paperwork that Garrus had been neglecting, trying to concentrate, wondering if she could really go from the girl who was trained to kill Turians, to the girl in love with her Turian C-sec partner.
All the while the image of Kaidan was in the back of her mind, causing her heart to swim in guilt, a guilt she knew wasn't fair to herself. And it was with this war of emotions raging inside of her that she heard a voice that set her hair on end.
A silver Turian was leaning into her and Garrus' office, as Garrus looked up he stood quickly from his desk. The Turian look at him and looked as if he was trying to be pleasant, but when his cold eyes turned to her she felt like shards of ice had been flung in her direction. He quickly looked away from her, he looked disgusted. Focusing on Garrus he tried to feign a smile.
"Garrus Vakarian, I was told you found something that belongs to me, I've been out on assignment got back here as soon as I heard."
The voice again, and this time Jane knew where she had heard it, she bit down on her lip to keep a shout in her throat. As Garrus nodded and motioned for the Turian to follow him.
"Of course, Saren, someone said you'd be coming, remember, Jane? This is the Spectre I was telling you about."
Jane's blood froze, the Turian who had tried to kill Kaidan, was a Spectre.