"Are you alright?" The Doctor asked, after carefully retreating from Rose's mind.
"Yeah, s' just some weird pressure in my head… Sorta tired... Where did you go in there anyway? One minute you were walking with me, the next you were gone. But I could still feel your presence in there somewhere."
"I met what remains of Bad Wolf in your subconscious."
"Oh! That's a good thing right? Was she able to tell you why I'm telepathic 'n glow-y?"
"Supposedly, the part of her that was left did 'not have that information preserved'. It was a very strange presence that claimed to be no more than a memory of Bad Wolf. An echo. Which is definitely a good thing; if your mind were still trying to hold on to all of Bad Wolf, it would have been severely injured."
"Well then, what did she say?"
"That I needed to make a choice, but that is neither here nor there… she said nothing that helps us with our current conundrum… If you're tired, why don't you lay down? This sort of thing can be mentally taxing until you get used to it."
He wasn't quite ready to tell her about the 'box'; afraid that she might try to tear down important barriers in her mind, desperate to gain access to it. Especially, if she thought for an instant that she and the Doctor might lose each other. If it was true, Bad Wolf had been wise to give the choice to him. Rose's loyalty to the Doctor would have immediately gotten the best of her. He could be more rational than she could when it came to emotionally charged issues. Even so, imagining Rose's time line ending abruptly like that caused him to shudder involuntarily. He had finally allowed himself to indulge in loving her, and now he was confronted with the possibility of her demise not even 12 hours later… Even Murphy's Law wasn't usually that on point.
On one hand, he was certain that some force in the universe didn't want him to be happy, and maybe just maybe, Bad Wolf was trying to override that seemingly eternal constant. On the other hand, someone might have been tinkering with Rose's subconscious, using her under developed and under protected telepathy against her. In which case, the box could be even more dangerous than a paradox. He had to get to the bottom of this before any decisions could be made.
...
Over the next week, the Doctor went into Rose's mind several more times under the pretence of testing the boundaries of her telepathy. To some extent, he was doing just that, but he was also looking for any signs of forced entry or foul play.
She really was more gifted than any other human he had met, more than some Gallifreyans, to be honest. The clarity of their connection grew stronger each time they tried. And each time they tried, the Doctor would catch a glimpse of something with the words 'Bad Wolf' spray painted on it. He tried his best to ignore the red lettering, but the temptation of the paradox called to him. To take his mind off the words, he taught Rose how to protect her thoughts and emotions from other telepathic species. He taught her how to erect barriers, and how to allow or disallow access through them.
During the day they would have adventures, but every evening they returned to her mind... With some exceptional shagging thrown in too, of course... She had showed him beautiful memories of summer in the countryside around London, proud memories of gymnastics competitions, not so proud memories of dropping out of school... She showed him her hopes and dreams, and some rather compelling fantasies involving him and the sonic screwdriver. All of which, he committed to his own memory for later use...
With each thought she showed him, he felt closer to the little pink and yellow human. Her mind was so warm and inviting, surrounding him with love and rejuvenating his weary soul. It was addictive, he couldn't get enough of her. Every moment their minds were separated, he felt empty and lost. The Time Lord knew he was falling irreversibly in love with her, (it frightened him) but he was unable to pull away now. Now that he had seen and felt the compassion in her mind, seen and felt her body against his, seen and felt his Rose so completely, he was incapable of denying his feelings any longer. The Doctor had to tell her... Cowardice or not... Paradox or not...
"You ok Doctor? You were flipping through that book, and then suddenly you stopped and zoned out."
"Hmmmm? Yes, fine... Just thinking." He looked down at his forgotten study material: a large volume on the effect of paradoxes on reality, written in traditional Gallifreyan.
"Fine? You were mumbling something about a paradox... Aren't those bad?"
More like inevitable, he thought to himself. "No, no...no I was just wondering what happened to my 'pair of Docs'. You remember the big Doc Martin boots my last body was so fond of, have you seen them around lately? This book talks about some... Uh... muddy hiking spots in the Varrshickle Quadrant."
"Uh huh... Even if I did believe you, I couldn't help. Haven't seen your boots in months… But I was thinking, can I try going into your mind tonight? You've only gone into mine so far."
"My mind?" He squeaked. There was no way he could hide his feeling for her if she were in his head. He wasn't ready for that yet, there was so much they needed to talk about first. There was also the very real chance of him accidently betraying the details of Bad Wolf's proposed paradox, since it had been consuming his thoughts from the moment he first learned about it. Worse than that, the dark recesses of his past might... "You mean… my… You want to? Like being inside of my thoughts and memories? Why would you want that? My mind is filled with all the clutter, and disappointment, and sorrow of living for 900 years… A lot of boring memorized statistics and facts too… Oh and the time war! That war is still raging in my mind, you don't want to get involved in that do you? Very unpleasant."
"Doctor, you know I won't judge you for your past. I just want to get to know you better, the way you've gotten to know me. I think that I can handle seeing your big handsome Time Lord mind, thanks to the expert telepathy guidance you've given me." Batting her thick eyelashes up at him, she ran her fingers up his tie and along his cheek to his temple. Rose was using flattery against him, no fair.
"Ok… but give me a little time to tidy up my thoughts." His fingers raked nervously through his tousled brown hair. "It's been a long time since I've had visitors."
"Alright then, after supper?"
"Yep." He popped the 'p' so she wouldn't hear his apprehension. Shit… shit... shit…
…
There they were, sitting on the Doctor's bed again, knees touching. Rose looked deep into the Doctors effervescent brown eyes. Eyes that could change from being jaded from all that he'd seen, to childlike wonder, in less than an instant. Eyes that currently expressed vulnerability. She realized the magnitude of trust he had to have it her to allow this to happen. He had seen civilizations rise and fall, worlds built and destroyed, the past and the future… No doubt that some people would kill to know what he knows.
"If you'd rather not do this, I understand."
"I want to share this with you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here… But before we start, there's something I need to tell you..."
"Yes?"
"I Lov…." He cleared his throat. "I love spending the evenings like this, with you I mean. There is no place else I would rather be."
The tense muscles in his body relaxed when she kissed him lightly. His hands reached for both of hers and squeezed tightly. With his left hand, he pulled her right one up to the side of his face. His eyes reopened and he leaned his forehead against hers. The very slight nod he made, was the permission she needed to start.
Rose closed her eyes and focused on the feeling of his cool skin against her finger tips. The way his cheek was cupped in her hand, put her middle finger right at his temple. She imagined caressing his mind the way she was caressing his cheek. She imagined her essence traveling down her arm, through her fingertips and into him, her dear Doctor. There was small jolt of electricity, a shock, when she passed through the barrier into his consciousness.
Upon opening her eyes, she found herself seated in a haze of copper colored grass, looking down at her folded knees. Perched on her knee, there was an unusual bug that looked similar to a firefly, in that it glowed brightly. Its antennae twitched, it hopped up into the air and started to fly away. Rose followed it's lazy trail with her eyes until they met with the Doctor sitting in front of her. The area was dimly lit, but she could still make out his wide warm smile. Waves of affection washed over her, radiating from him.
A soft breeze blew past them and made the copper-y grass rustle, it sounded like music. Several more fireflies flew by in an strange formation, and then more. Looking around, Rose saw that the dark indigo sky was filled with them, thousands of them… floating around in clusters… constellations?
"I thought we were going to be in a library nook?"
"The safe place thing is helpful for beginners, but I have been telepathic for centuries." He winked at her. The way his speech reverberated in his mind added another layer of depth to his already resplendent tenor voice. It was as though she heard multiple voices speaking through him at once.
"What is this place then?"
"It's not a real place exactly, but the color of the grass comes from Gallifrey. This is the way I sometimes like to imagine the stars and planets I've visited."
"The fireflies represent stars?"
"The one that landed on you is symbolic of Sol, your yellow sun. One of my personal favorites."
"This is incredible. I can't believe you have been to this many different star systems."
"I frequent some more than others, as you know." He took her hand and gave her a look that made her heart choke up into her throat. His brown eyes shown ice blue for an instant. When he kissed the back of her wrist, she felt lightheaded. The way his mind surrounded hers so perfectly made her dizzy... Unspoken words and promises swirled around her like the fireflies in the air.
All of a sudden the Doctor stood up turned his attention to the horizon beyond. He cocked his head to one side, and his expression steeled. Another gust of wind blew past, with more of a chill in it this time. The human girl shivered.
"You need to leave my mind Rose."
"What? No, I just got here." She protested.
"I had hoped I could stave off the storm for longer, but it doesn't appear that way. This is what I was afraid would happen. I can't force you out without hurting you, so please... Withdraw yourself."
Just then, a bright streak of lightning flashed in the distance. Rose stood up next to the Doctor, and was hit with a fierce cold gale that blew away most of the fireflies. His coat tails flapped loudly behind them. Thunder crashed and shook her down to the very bone. Ominous black clouds were gathering in the distance.
"What is that?"
"The Oncoming Storm. You're not safe here."
He grabbed her hand and started running in the opposite direction. Of course there would be running in his mind too, she thought. They ran through the field in a daze. Scenes and places from his memory raced past them. Rose could swear she saw the Paliament building and the London Eye, but everything was so surreal it was hard to tell. It was like an evolving dreamscape, landmarks materialized and dematerialized quickly.
They ran until they entered a cold cavern, with strange metal compartments tiered upward to the ceiling. She could hear ominous pounding inside each of the compartments.
"What is this place?" Rose asked, catching her breath.
"The Tomb of the Cybermen… We can't stop here."
The wind howled at the entrance to the cave as the storm approached. The Doctor looked back at the storm nipping at their heels, before pulling her along by the hand once more. The companions continued to run deeper into the tomb until they emerged out into a shimmering city, inside of a giant gilded 'snowglobe'. The light reflecting off the orb nearly blinded Rose, after the darkness of the cavern. She shielded her eyes until they adjusted.
"Where are we now?"
"The Citidel." He murmured under his breath, detached.
"Are we safe here Doctor?... Doctor?"
He was staring out of the dome at the swirling black clouds, terror stricken. Rose worried that he was losing the grasp on his sanity. The madness had always been lurking at the edges of his personality was taking over. A tremendous explosion shook the golden city around them. Crying children came running down the streets to escape the battle. Another crash knocked some of them to the ground, screaming. The buildings around them began to crumble and fall. She could hear the dalek's battle cry over the cacophony of destruction.
"The sky trenches are failing, Rose… Run!"
He led her through the dark streets and alleys, mumbling something about a repair shop. An armored door in front of them had been blown off of its hinges. The Doctor pulled her inside without hesitation. Down past a row of metallic cylinders they hurried until he stopped in front of one of them. Looking over his shoulder, he quickly punched a code into the keypad on the cylinder and a door slid open.
Once inside Rose immediately recognized the Tardis. The interior was different and dated, but she knew in her heart that it was the same ship. The panicked Time Lord slammed the door, rushed to the console, and began trying to take them away from the Time War in his mind. It pained her to see him so afraid of his own memories.
"Doctor, the daleks can't hurt us, we're in your mind…. This is just a memory."
"It's not the daleks I'm afraid of Rose."
She regarded him with profound concern. "Well, I am not afraid... Not of you."
Opening the Tardis door, Rose stepped out onto the same copper grass field where they had started. The sky was pitch black now and the wind whipped her hair across her face. A thundering cyclone was barreling straight for her, but she stood firm.
"Rose! No!"
The Doctor tackled her from behind and held her down against the ground as the storm hit, shielding her from the brunt of the force. But the crippling torrent of emotions ripped at her just the same. Guilt, anguish, loneliness, anger, depression, and fear tore through her. Flashing images of the devastation the Doctor had wrought and witnessed, broke her heart. Nine hundred years of grief and loss compressed into mere moments, pressed down on them. Tears spilled from her eyes as the Doctor whispered in her ear.
"I'm so sorry Rose… I knew this was a bad idea… please forgive me… I thought I could control it… I'm so sorry… My sweet brave Rose." He was crying too.
Humans, draconians, ood, cybermen, sontarans, daleks, Time Lords... Romana, Sarah Jane, the Master, Jamie, Captain Jack, Grace, Peri, Mickey... A patchwork coat, a leather jacket, a scarf, a cravat... A golden opportunity and a silver paradox... All of the people he had saved and all the ones he couldn't... Life and death across the galaxies.
Eventually, after several drawn out moments of torture, the winds started to die down. Slower and slower, as if the storm had run out of emotions to throw at them. Rose took a deep breath, and opened her watery eyes. Dew drops clinging to the copper grass sparkled in the emerging sun.
The storm was diminishing, but the Doctor was still crying and holding her desperately tight. She wasn't sure what else to do, so she sat up and held him back. Her perfect broken man that held up the integrity of the universe in spite of his own flaws. This man who had given everything and allowed himself nothing; nothing save for the guilt of those he couldn't help.
"Doctor?"
"I never meant to subject you to that. It is my burden to bear, and mine alone. I understand if you no longer want to be with me, now that you know what I've done... I only ask that you find it in your heart to forgive me someday."
Rose nuzzled his tear stained cheek. She couldn't tolerate the thought of him suffering alone any longer. "There is nothing to forgive. I love you now more than ever. Thank you for sharing your past with me... You are so strong to have carried this on your own for so long... Let me carry it with you."
He burried his face in her hair. "Rose, please never leave me... I don't think I can endure losing you... I can't be alone anymore." The words were drawn out of the desolation and sorrow she had just witnessed.
"There is no force in time or space that can keep me from you... I told you, you have my forever... I am never leaving your side."
"I love you Rose Tyler, more than you will ever know."
...
When her presence in his mind had receded, the Doctor awoke to find them tangled in each other's arms on his bed. Rose was exhausted from the battering his mind had given her. Yet she had been steadfast and brave by his side until they had weathered the storm together. He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve her forgiveness either, but he felt vindicated all the same.
The Doctor had to find away to keep her. Rose would do anything for him, risk everything for him. He knew now that he would do the same for her. All that he was was hers. All that he would ever be should be hers as well.
Rassilon, if this human girl is my undoing, so be it.
She had already fallen asleep next to him. The Doctor entered her unconscious mind... and opened the silver box.
...
The Doctor slept fitfully, even though the storm of emotions in his mind had been temporarily quelled. Something wasn't right. He woke up abruptly; his ship was blaring a mauve alert directly into his mind. He fumbled in the dark to find Rose on the bed next to him, only to discover that he was alone. How long had he been asleep? How long had she been gone? He got dressed hastily and hurried into the console room to look for her.
"Rose? Is everything alright? Where are you?"
A panicked Tardis brought up a video playback of Rose on one of the screens. She was expertly flicking levers and throttles on the console… with her eyes closed... What the heck? How was that possible? The box? Bad Wolf? Where had she taken them? They weren't in the time stream any longer... A quick glance at the monitor: Norway? Why would she take us to Norway?... Desperately the Tardis screamed in his mind, imploring him to go find her immediately. Figuring out how this has happened could wait, Rose could not. The ship was pleading with him, gravely concerned for her life. Rose was in serious danger. FIND HER NOW! When it finally sunk in what the ship was trying to say to him, all the blood drained out of his face in a fear that bordered on hysteria.
The Doctor threw open the door of the Tardis and ran out onto the cold beach. Even though he had never been there before, something eerily familiar about the location caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. He searched frantically up and down the rocky shoreline, trying to outrun the fear and the feeling that this was his fault. In the distance, he spotted a humanoid body curled into a ball at the transition where the water lapped at the sand. The Doctor broke into a full sprint toward the huddled mass.
Thank Rassilon, it was Rose! Her clothing was soaking wet and was being drawn back and forth by the motion of the waves. He scooped up her shivering unconscious body, and pulled her in close to his chest. Her skin was pale and freezing to the touch, it was a miracle that hypothermia hadn't already claimed her life. As he raced back to the Tardis with her in his arms, he sonic-ed her clothes dry as best he could without dropping her. Please don't let me lose her, he prayed to whomever might be listening… Please, universe, if I never ask for anything again in my life, please don't let me lose Rose Tyler…
The silver box had been a trap… How could he have been so stupid, so selfish as to open it? Bloody sentimental fool. Hot tears blurred his vision, making the Tardis appear further away than it actually was.
"Please Rose… Hold on..."