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Cluny slumped in his seat in the seedy tavern. "I can't believe it! When that carriage crashed... I lost a good number of my horde! And then we went on to attack Redwall... a disaster! A complete disaster! Just the carriage crash cost me a fortune!"
"Well you know, mate," a Moniter lizard said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Some bloke I knew got carriage insurance."
"But they just nickel and dime ye to death. Insurance costs just as much, you know."
"You can save 'undreds on carriage insurance just by switching to Geico!"
Geico. Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on carriage insurance.
Klitch and Veil bent over a piece of parchment paper, while Klitch scribbled out signs with a stick of charcoal.
"See, I'm telling you," the young weasel was saying. "This higher infinity stuff is completely true. See, you have a line, which goes on into infinity either way, and then you have a ray, which goes on into infinity just one way, but has an end. Both of them are infinite, but you'd say the line was longer, because it goes on infinitely both ways."
"Yeah, I know!" the ferret said with a nod. "And then there's that mathematical law that says that for every 'x', there's always an 'x + 1'."
"Exactly," Klitch said, thumping the parchment triumphantly. "I'm really grateful for this fanfiction stuff, where you can pretty much meet and talk to anyone from any generation. I tried explaining this stuff to Goffa once. Talk about frustrating! You might as well be explaining proper leadership skills to Groffgut!"
"Or the concept of ageism being wrong to our fathers," Veil muttered.
"I hear you, mate."
Kenzie stared at them, blinking several times as if to say, 'Er... okay...' before a renegade Dabbun nailed her in the snout with a well-aimed ping pong ball.
"Gerron wiv it, afore us all falls 'sleep!" Dwopple, who had returned to the audience, bellowed.
"Er... yes!" Kenzie straightened her glasses quickly. "As an inverse to what we had in the previous chapter--"
"MOOOOOM!" a random mousebabe called to his mother. "She just broke the fourth wall!"
"AHEM!" Kenzie cleared her throat loudly, doing a fair imitation of Chibb the robin. "As I was saying, as an inverse to the idea of 'bad' woodlanders, I decided to bring up to the stage a few of the well-known 'reformed' vermin. Give a warm 'hello' to Blaggut, Graylunk, Romsca, Flinky, Gingivere and Ashleg!"
There was a smattering of applause, much preferable to the boos at the previous guests.
"'Ello!" Blaggut said cheerfully.
"AUGH!" Graylunk screamed.
"Ahoy, there, mates," Romsca waved a paw halfheartedly. The ferret was obviously not much for large crowds (unless the large crowd was located on a ship).
"Good day," Gingivere said pleasantly.
"Hi!" Flinky greeted, a bit less enthusiastically than Blaggut but much more than Romsca.
Ashleg looked around. "Do I really belong here? I'm not really... reformed, per se, but I just deserted. I mean, if deserting means reformed, then where are Firty and them from Eulalia, and the Grand Fragorl from Lord Brocktree?"
"The authoress was going for covering as many different species as possible," Kenzie told him. "Also, the author does not own the book Eulalia."
"How come?" the pine marten inquired.
"'Cause my mom hates it when I buy hardcover books, and Eulalia isn't out in paperback yet," The authoress explained from her position at the computer, writing this fic.
"Oh." It is unspecified who said that just now.
"So, how about we take this alphabetical order, then," Kenzie decided. "Ashleg, you first."
"Well, like I said, I'm not exactly reformed," the marten explained with a shrug. "I just didn't want to follow the orders of a power-insane cat with extreme hydrophobia and paranoia.
"I'M NOT PARANOID!" Tsarmina screeched. "I'M NOT PARANOID! I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOOOOOT! AND I'M NOT CRAZY, EITHER!" She carried on like this until a security wolverine with a build like a silverback gorilla had to lumber over and sit her back down.
"Er... ahem..." Nervously Kenzie repositioned her glasses. Seeing who was next, she grinned. "Ah, Blaggut, a rat like myself. So what's your story?"
"Well..." the former searat began. "Cap'n Slipp was always a --(due to coarse searat slang, this phrase has been censored for your protection) who could bloody well (censored) himself straight up the (censored) for all I care--"
"'EY!" Slipp roared from his seat in the audience. Beside him, Strapp sniggered unpleasantly.
"Blaggut, please refrain from using language like that," Kenzie half-pleaded. "Not all the Dibbuns fled when Mistress Flackery pulled the fire alarm."
The searat carried on, seemingly deaf to Kenzie's protests, and his language became progressively more profane.
"Er..." Kenzie said for the fourth time in this chapter. Facepalming, the rat muttered, "What next, Jeefra's an intellectual?"
Behind her, the aforementioned feral cat had sat down next to Klitch and Veil with a large textbook in his paws. "Say, fellas, have you ever tried mathematics in base eight? It's fascinating. I've pretty much got base eight down, but base four is proving to be a bit more of a problem..."
"...And so anyway," Blaggut continued, "When Cap'n Slipp murdered that dear ol' badger lady, and then started whackin' me wid a tree branch, I decided I'd had enough of his (censored). So I slayed him, returned the pretty cup to the Redwallers, and started a boat business near the sea."
"And how's that goin' for you?" Kenzie asked, hoping he wouldn't swear anymore.
"Oh, just dandy."
"Flinky, how about you?"
The stoat scratched his nosetip. "I'm sorta like Ashleg, not quite reformed, but not quite 'evil'. I'm not much of a killer meself, but I just wants ter 'ave some fun sometimes. And that liddle runt fox needed killin', so 'e did."
"I agree," Kenzie replied truthfully. At that point, Badredd stood up on his chair and hurled a large mincemeat pie at the rat.
Splat!
Kenzie had grabbed the nearest stagehand and yanked him in the path of the flying pie. "Sorry about that, Scarum."
The hare was scraping pie fragments from his face and stuffing them happily into his mouth. "Mmm... scrmph scrmph... sorry for what?"
As Scarum skipped off backstage, pausing to swipe a box of Lucky Charms from under Gulo's muzzle, Kenzie turned back to her guests. "Right then! Gingivere, you may speak."
"A-ahem," Gingivere cleared his throat politely. "Well, I was never much for war and fighting and killing, but I was willing to risk my life for the Corim and those two little hedgehogs, especially after the Mask died."
"How very touching," Ungatt Trunn jeered from the audience. "Am I actually RELATED to you??"
Rather than answering his uncle, Gingivere opted for a similar method to the Grumpy Bankvole's and flipped him off. This time, Kenzie decided not to threaten any finger-cutting.
"Ugh..." the rat groaned. "Graylunk...?"
The weasel had curled up into a ball and was twitching uncontrollably. "Mad Eyes... Mad Eyes is here! He's coming for me... NO I DON'T WANNA DIE!! MAD EYES IS BAD! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Kenzie's eye twitched. "Fermald, could I get a paw over here?"
The old squirrel moved in front of the weasel and roared, "GET IT TOGETHER, MAN!"
"AAAAUUUUUUGHwhat? Oh hey, Fermald." Graylunk shook his head to clear it. "Did I go off again? Sorry about that. I just... do that sometimes."
"So we gathered," Kenzie said drily. "So what's your story, Graylunk?"
"Well, after I stole the Tears of all Oceans and me matey Flairnose clocked me a good'un to the head, I went sorta crazy," the weasel admitted.
"'Sorta'?" muttered Romsca.
"Sorry, by the way, Cap'n Conva," Graylunk apologized to the corsair stoat in the audience. "It didn't hurt too much, did it?"
"Well, I didn't know what I was doing, really," Conva replied. "BUT YEAH IT HURT! I FELL OUT OF A BLEEDIN' WINDOW!"
"Anyway," Graylunk continued. "I decided to repent all evil, and I owe it all to this squirrel right 'ere." He jerked his thumb at Fermald.
"Don't you forget it," Fermald replied, punching him in the shoulder.
"And last but certainly not least, Romsca," said Kenzie. "You're probably the most famous reformed character in the series."
"ROMZCA IZ OVERRATED!" Lask Frildur, who was sitting in the front row, hissed.
"Lazk zuckz!" Zurgat added.
"I do not!" Lask snarled. "I'm not reformed, and I'm proud to zay zo!"
"I'm a better General than you are," the female lizard murmured grumpily.
"I'm sorta like Graylunk, I got an abbeybeast to thank," said Romsca, before waving to an old mouse in the audience. "Thankee, Durral!"
Many of the audience clapped.
"Now why do they clap for Romsca and not for us?" Gingivere demanded indignantly.
"'Cause Romsca has her own online shrine," Kenzie replied.
"WHAT?!" all the rest of the guests roared.
"I want a shrine!" Blaggut whined. "What's so special about her?"
"SHUT UP YOU ZTUPID LIZARD!" Somehow, Lask and Zurgat had continued their argument. "YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY JOB! NEVER!"
"Actually, Lord Ublaz waz thinking of appointing me Moniter General in your abzenze, Lazk," Zurgat informed him smugly. At this, Lask jumped on her. The two started brawling, and pretty soon all of the reptilian members of the audience were joining in. Deathcoil, Whipscale, the various evil swamp lizards, and even Mister Death immediately started duking it out.
At that moment, seeing how much trouble the rat was having with her audience, her human self the authoress decided to send in some backup.
"Help's on the way, Kenzie," the authoress announced with a bright smile.
Kenzie actually breathed a sigh of relief. Then she saw the 'help' that the authoress had actually sent.
A pale tan cat with light brown fur on his face, ears, limbs, and tail was beamed onto the set. He was small, still only half-grown, but he was toting a miniature crossbow which he aimed around excitedly, giggling to himself. "Heeheeheeheeheehee..."
The rat almost burst into tears at that moment. Of all the living organisms to send, oh gods why did it have to be Caesar, the closet emo's pet psychokitten?
The closet emo is a very good friend of mine, and a writer here on in the Warriors section. And she has a kitten named Caesar, who is pathologically insane. She will probably kill me for placing a weapon in his paws, if Caesar doesn't accidentally kill me first.
Kenzie: I might just contemplate killing myself...