"Anteon! Dim the lights! Hurry up!" Bretta tapped a footpaw impatiently. "Before the audience starts arriving!"

The studio darkened, and the squirrelmaid appeared from behind the red stage curtain. As a small vengeance against the sharp tone in Bretta's voice, Anteon placed a paw on the switchboard in front of him and flicked them all off.

There was a loud clattering as the squirrelmaid blindly took a step forward and pitched headfirst off the stage, crashing into a stack of folding chairs. "ANTEON, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Don't make so much noise!" Dante hissed into his headset. "You might set Todd off again! It took us longer than it should have to clear out the mess after his second flip-out!" Forgetting momentarily that his voice was coming through the speakers, he added in a mutter, "I swear, that squirrel costs us more money than he earns!"

"I HEARD THAT!"

Reviewers: What second flip-out?

Adderstar of ValorClan: Trust me, people, you do NOT want to know.

Caesar bounded out on the stage without incident (because unlike Bretta, he was a cat and could therefore see in the dark), bouncing from foot to foot. "Kenzie can has halp plz, nya?" he mewed. "Cuz im like, ur doin it wrong, nyah. An shes like NOT LISTENIN, nya."

Swiftly deciphering Caesar's high-pitched lolcat dialect, Bretta got to her feet and felt her way back onstage. "Kenzie's having trouble with the strings of lights again. I'd better go. OOF!" A loud thud could be heard when the squirrelmaid suddenly became acquainted with the wall. "ANTEON!"

Muffled sniggering could be heard through the microphone.

"Turn the (censored) lights back on, you idiot!"

The ferret put on a pair of protective goggles with darkened lenses. Placing his paws on all the switches at once, Anteon stretched backward with both footpaws (while keeping his forepaws on the switches) and wrapped his tail around a lever. Sensing what was coming, Dante took shelter beneath the sound panel.

"As you wish, my pretty," Anteon said with a smile. Simultaneously he pushed the switches up and shoved the lever.

A bright white light blazed through the window of the booth as the entire studio was lit up. Frantic screaming from the stage was soon audible.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"

Smiling brightly, Anteon manipulated the switches and pulled the lever back down, dimming the lights properly. "All the power at my clawtips," he said dramatically through Dante's headset. "What do you think of that, little missy squirrel?"

"I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF MINUS A GALLBLADDER, AS SOON AS I CAN SEE AGAIN! JUST YOU WAIT, ANTEON!"

Kenzie emerged from behind the curtain, adjusting her headset and looking triumphant. "The lights are up, finally. I got Gulo to help me. What's all the screaming about? Wait, on second thought, I don't wanna know. By the way, remind me whose idea the Christmas special was?"

All paws pointed to Caesar, who yowled, "MINE, nya."

"Very good. I owe you a piece of ham."

"YAYZ, nya."

"Very good," Kenzie said brightly. "Let the audience back in. Todd?" She spoke into her headset as the audience members began streaming back in.

"Yeah?" The squirrel was positioned at the opposite wall.

"Stress doll."

"Check." With a grin, Todd squeezed the aforementioned doll. Its rubber eyes bugged out, and the squeaker that Bretta had sewn into it produced an shrill squeal. Highly amused, Todd repeated the action and snickered.

At that moment, a certain gangly, rectangular-glasses-wearing Sueslayer ferret happened to pass by on the way to his seat and notice the uncanny simularities between himself and the doll. A strangled noise emerged from his throat before he recovered himself.

"Why me? Why me?" Kelaiah muttered helplessly, taking a seat next to another ferret, a weedy specimen with gray fur and a scarred face.

"Hey, I know you," said the gray ferret, nudging him. "You're that one Sueslayer with the laser that Kenz is always ranting about... eh... what's your name... Kel... Kel..."

Kelaiah's eyes snapped to the other ferret, glaring at him with such ferocity that the latter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Did..." he snarled. "Did you just call me... Kel-Kel?"

"Er, no! No, of course not!" the other ferret held up both paws defensively. "I was just trying to remember... Kelaiah! That was it! The one with the angry caps and the laser! Eh, my name's Jonathan! Perhaps you've heard of me!" He smiled nervously.

To his relief Kelaiah grinned back. "That's all right. I missheard, that's all."

Jonathan slumped in his seat. "I know how you feel, though. Scrawny Jonny. That's what everyone calls me. But I could tell you something about Kenzie..."

The rat in question stepped out onto the darkened stage when the audience was situated. "Hello, everybeast, and welcome back to 'The Insanities'! We're taking a small break from our regular program, to bring you..." She trailed off dramatically and paused. "Eh... to bring you..."

Up in the booth, Anteon and Dante were playing with plastic model dinosaurs and making them fight.

Todd tapped his headset. "Dante? Anteon? That's your cue."

A muffled swear word from Anteon preceded a drumroll and finally...

The lights.

All around the stage, strings of red, blue, green, orange, and white lights blinked on simultaneously. Smiling, Kenzie finished. "Our Christmas Special! Now, I realize that Christmas is not canon, but I just LOVE Christmas! I'm a Christmassy person!"

Brother Hollyberry raised a paw helpfully. "Oh, I love Christmas, too!"

Encouraged, many other members of the audience began voicing their opinions.

"I love presents!"

"Christmas trees!"

"Pretty decorations!"

"Er, er, roast turkey!" shouted Lousewort, earning many disgusted looks from the woodlanders.

"Yes, yes, I know Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year," Kenzie said, beaming. "So to begin the Christmas special, I will recite to you a Redwall-ized version of a certain Christmas classic."

"Oh! Is it A Christmas Carol?" Saxtus asked, raising his paw. "The one with Mr. Scrooge and the three Christmas ghosts?"

Dingeye gulped, murmuring to Thura. "Er, I don't like ghost stories, do ye, mucker?"

"No, I don't, Ding," Thura whimpered back through chattering teeth. "Miz Kenzie, this ain't gonna be a scary story, is it?"

"Call yourself Corpsemakers!" Dethbrush jeered. With the fox's back turned, Forgrin quietly gave him bunny ears. Raptail sniggered.

"This is not A Christmas Carol!" Kenzie snapped. "It's The Night Before Christmas!"

The two stoats set up a fresh wail. "I knew it'd be scary story, mucker!" Thura wailed.

Kenzie facepalmed. "Fine! I won't do it, then! Happy? Good gods... In that case, we'll just skip to the caroling."

Backstage, Veil and Klitch shrugged at each other and led the rest of the Canon Clique out onstage. The young ferret stepped up to the microphone. "Eh, so Kenzie has Redwall-ified certain Christmas carols to fit the fandom... so... the first one is probably recognizable. Here we go."

Veil, Klitch, Jeefra, Firty, and Beddle stood in a row before the audience, before Boorab and Tarquin began playing their respective instruments in the background. After a brief introduction, the five canon characters began singing to the tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'.

"Oh, you better watch out,

And you better cry,

'Cause if you're a Sue,

Then you're gonna die.

Arawolf is coming to town.

She's making a plan,

With her scimitar,

If she can see you,

You'll never get far.

Arawolf is coming to town.

She'll kill you when you're sleeping

So hide if you're awake.

She doesn't care if you're bad or good

So RUN for goodness sake!

Oh, you better watch out

And you better cry!

'Cause if you're a Sue,

Then you're gonna die!

Arawolf is coming to town.

Arawolf is coming to town!

ARAWOLF IS COMIIING TO TOOOOOWWWWNN!"

Lady Aleetheiah Silverstorm Windriver Lightningflash Tempestcry Platinum the Third had been laboriously keeping it together through the entire song, gripping her seat cushion with daintily polished claws. Finally, something snapped in the beautiful young squirrel's mind, and she shot out of her seat with a piercing scream of terror. The entire audience, as well as the stage crew, simultaneously turned their heads to stare at the dazzling silver-furred squirrel flashing in the stage lighting as she fled.

Kenzie blinked. "Um... okay... right then!"

Turning back to the singers, she was surprised to see that the five of them, as well as Tarqin and Boorab, were doing a poor job of holding in their laughter.

"What?" the rat demanded.

"The seven of us noticed 'er when she first walked in," Klitch snickered. "Why do you think we repeated the last line twice?"

Kenzie grinned. "Good job of that. What's the next one?"

"'Ey, Boorab, Tark, put on O Warrior's Night," Klitch called back. "Second choir!

The two hares obliged wholeheartedly. A few Abbeybeasts, including Abbot Apodemus, Abbess Songbreeze, Sister Sage, Brother Hollyberry, and Sister Nasturtium replaced the first singers, and the second song began.

"O Warrior's Night, the stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the brave Warrior's dawn.
Long lay the Wood, in tyranny and battle
Til he arrived, and with sword Martin won.
A thrill of hope, each woodlander rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and peaceful morn

Rise from your knees
O hear his spirit speaking
Oh night of peace
Oh night, when Martin won.
Oh night of peace
Oh night, oh night of peace.

And in his path, a Champion arises
To battle those who slay without a care

Rise from your knees
O hear his spirit speaking
Oh night of peace,
Oh night, when Martin won..."

At this point, a familiar beautiful mousemaid with hazel eyes stepped forward, and a few beasts from the audience clapped when Rose hit the highest note perfectly before the rest of the singers rejoined her on the final line.

"Oh night, oh Warrior's night,
Oh night of peace."

The song ended, and the final notes of the haredee gurdee and the harolina died away so that everybeast present could hear Kenzie ranting into her pink Razor.

"Mr. Jacques, with all due respect, you're completely overreacting!" Kenzie snarled into her cell phone. "I'm sorry you aren't enjoying the song or my modification of it... yes, I admit it was done in five minutes... Excuse me?! I assure you, I had absolutely no intentions of comparing Martin to Jesus, subtlely or blatantly! Hey! Now you're insulting my human self's fanfics? What? Look, she already apologized to you for Oleander Windflame, and that story died anyway... Excuse me, but I have a Christmas special to run, so we'll continue this discussion later!"

Flipping her phone shut moodily, the rat smoothed her bristling whiskers and turned back to the audience with a smile. "Sorry about that. Lovely singing, all of you, and Rose of course--"

"KENZO-SLICE?! HA! Now that's funny!"

The falsely cheerful words trailed off as Kenzie turned to the source of the voice: a skinny, bespectacled ferret who had spoken much more loudly than he'd intended.

Jonathan, seated next to the laughing Kelaiah, slid lower in his seat. "K-Kel. Kel, shut up. Now."

"Haha, ha, huh?" The laughter died in Kelaiah's throat when he saw the look on the rat's face, eerily similar to the one he always had when somebeast used his 'forbidden nicknames'. "O-oh. Geez. What do I do now?"

"Don't faint," Jonathan hissed. "Run now. NOW."

Kelaiah obeyed with much alacrity, sprinting for the door with Kenzie terrifyingly close behind. The rat had somehow produced her short-handled, wide-bladed glaive from thin air, which she swung at him enthusiastically. The ferret's dismayed screaming echoed as he crashed through the closed door, leaving a Kelaiah-shaped hole. Kenzie jumped through, screaming many unrepeatable things, among which were "Kelly" and "Kel-Kel".

"WHY ME?! WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????!!!!!!!"

The stage manager sprinted out while Todd struggled with the curtain.

"That's the show for today!" Bretta announced, putting on her best fake smile. "Bye, everyone!"

"That's everybeast!" Dandin roared.

Ferret-Kel was used with permission. And I assure you, that will be the last you see of him. Merry Christmas!