by Greylle
DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.
NOTE: Okay, this is a "crack fic" - it's not meant to be taken seriously. We're just out to have a bit of fun with a bizarre idea.
Okay, LOTS of bizarre. Hopefully lots of fun though too. ^_^
Chapter Nine: Shamshel
Leaning back in his chair, Makoto looked over his instruments and knew that he had to keep himself on the ball in this. Despite any sort of humor that he might have found in how things were going, he knew that there was a time for that sort of thing to be focused on. Right now though, little jokes or observations could suffice, as they were there for a very important reason.
As such, he kept an eye on what was going on, and took note of just how big a problem they had facing them. These creatures, whatever they were, didn't happen to fall under the 'weak and piddling' category, so he knew that a strong response was needed. From what they already had seen, it would come in the form of a giant monster that would be aiming to do some serious damage to the city on its way to come after its target. So far, it'd been rather blocked by smoke, flames, and attacking military vehicles, which made it hard to see. But it had a fast cutting weapon, and... didn't look how he expected it to when the screen cleared long enough for him to get a good look at it.
"Those are some really big boobs," commented someone in the back.
Ritsuko ground her teeth and promised herself that she would find that person and punish them appropriately. However, she couldn't refute the observation, seeing as the breasts in question certainly were gigantic. To be perfectly clear, they were attached to the Angel, which happened to not be playing by the rules, such as they were.
Had things been going on as expected, Shamshel would have been a giant inhuman monster designed for a specific mode of attack, but what they were seeing was certainly humanoid. She was still taller than some skyscrapers, but now she was walking towards them on long legs clad in thigh length high heeled boots. A barely there thong was all that protected what looked to be a very private spot, and the breasts in question were held in place by a single strip of material that just ran over where the nipples would be. The blonde hair was decorated by what seemed to be two pieces that had what looked like an antenna sticking up out of each one. On each arm was a sleeve of material that went from just under the armpit to cover the backs of the hands.
And the only way that anyone could tell that she was a fighter was that she had a bar coming out of her back that had a glowing tentacle coming out of either end, with her hair going from blonde to that same sort of appendage at the end.
All in all, this looked less like a grotesque creature out to commit genocide, and more like a curvy blonde out to put on a sexy show of combat.
"What the hell is this?" the scientist muttered as she let her brow twitch at the sight of a jiggling bosom on the screen.
Makoto frowned thoughtfully. "Maybe they decided to follow through with being more like an 'Angel' stereotype..."
The look that she shot him was very clear in its intent.
"I'll be quiet now."
"Good. We have better things to do than to ogle the Angel."
"Like what, sempai?" Maya asked.
This time, the woman in the lab coat just let her shoulders tense as she growled under her breath.
On the screen, Shamshel continued onward, apparently intent on following her path.
"Why does it look like THAT?" asked Makoto.
"Camouflage?" tried Ritsuko Akagi.
"If so, they missed some important details," noted Makoto. "Like, I dunno, height?"
WHIP-CRACK WHIP-CRACK went the figure on the display. "Oh hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh!"
"AGHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed most of the bridge crew.
"Kami-sama," said Maya, shivering. "What WAS that?"
"Some sonic field paired with a transmitted AT field," said Ritsuko, shaking a little herself though trying not to look affected. "It uses the sound as a carrier wave to manifest the effect."
"That laugh was terrifying," said Makoto. "Oh. Absolute Terror field. Right."
"They're getting smarter," said Fuyutsuki. "An attack like that will require some other measure to defend against."
WHIP-CRACK! went one of the whips wielded by the floating young girl, slicing through a building.
"Get the pilot of unit 1!" demanded Ritsuko.
Rei checked her pager. "There's an alert."
"Hmph," said Ranma, picking up the phone as it was getting ready to ring. "Yeah? Yeah. This IS Ranma, Misato. Yeah, yeah. Angel coming to attack. Got it. Be right there. Saddle up Unit One wouldja? Nah, we been watching some old 'Western' movie because Rei came up with some idea about going to see a movie being a 'date' or something except neither of us got no money. How would I know? Ain't sure I want to know. Right, see ya."
"An angel?" asked Rei quietly, putting the alcoholic beverages back where she'd found them. It appeared that her experiments in that regard would have to wait.
Letting Ranma go back to the Geofront wasn't something that Rei was about to stop, even if that did mean that her strategies would have to wait until later to be followed. There was a mission to complete, and as he was the only available pilot, her concerns were secondary. She could have gone with him, but given her status, and the incident with the previous test, she was at best a back up, which meant that she'd just be taking up space, which would not be efficient at all.
At the same time though, the blue haired girl found that running away from the truth felt wrong to her, and she recognized that she was a bit... lost in the silent apartment on her own. An odd feeling of discontent over having to wait to advance her relationship with Ranma tinged her thoughts, and as she considered the quiet of the room around her, she saw that she had little to do, save waiting for him to return. For some reason, she disliked the concept of having him distracted away from her, and noticed how different the room was with the absence of his presence.
Wondering about how one would go about handling such a dreary atmosphere, she considered what Captain Katsuragi had told her over time. Some of it did not make sense, and she wondered if what was said was supposed to be a 'joke', but as she looked at the liquor bottles that she had been putting away, she remembered something that the elder woman had mentioned. As she recalled, alcohol was supposed to be a multi-use beverage that could be found in many situations. What she'd seen on the television had reinforced this image, and she could hear the Operations Director's voice commenting about drinking in celebration, 'downing' in companionship, sipping to relax, and, most importantly, 'gaining comfort' from a bottle.
Just what a non-sentient liquid apparently designed to induce states of inebriation would do to help one handle being alone was unclear to Rei, but as she looked at one bottle of liquor that her 'guardian' had saved for a 'rainy day', she knew that one couldn't find out without trying it out for herself.
Ranma's specialty had always been fighting, but as he felt Unit 01 shooting up to the surface, he gritted his teeth as he tried to figure out what exactly he was supposed to do. It wasn't that he was unwilling to do battle, as he'd always gotten a rush in such a physical pursuit. Nor was he scared to be hurt, as he understood injuries were just part of a fight.
No, his problem with this particular battle was what came up as he stopped at the city level.
"OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" cried out the Angel, its voice echoing out across the landscape.
Almost as if he could feel it on his skin, Ranma shivered. "Is this for real?"
"Of course it's real!" Ritsuko snapped. "It's standing right in front of you!"
"Yeah, but..."
"What's the problem?"
"That laugh, for one," he grumbled.
"It's an attack, most likely meant to create fear in others. Besides, it looks like it's focused on you already."
The pigtailed boy glanced over at the figure of the Angel, and saw that, yes, she seemed to have gotten a gleam in her eye at the appearance of Unit 01. In fact, he was almost certain that he saw the giant girl smile and seem ready approach him in the most direct way possible. "Oh great, just what I needed. Another girl outta get me. And this one's just like..."
When a glowing whip came down to block his movement to the side, he found that action a bit familiar.
"Ah hell, gettin' stuck with her comin' at me like this would be even worse, not that it couldn't happen. Damned blonde ditz..."
"EXCUSE ME?" yelped a voice over the intercom.
"What's got your panties in a knot, Doc?"
"You just casually insulted me..."
"Nope. Didn't do that."
"But you just called me a 'blonde ditz'," the scientist muttered.
"Huh? You're not blonde. Not really. Ya dye your hair, right? There's ways of tellin', like with the eyebrows, though some people insist on checkin' if the 'carpet matches the drapes', whatever that means."
Calm under pressure was something that Doctor Akagi usually prided herself on, but at the moment her jaw was trying to meet with the floor in a most unbecoming way as she stared at the massive screens before her.
"Now, that's somethin' ta bother with later," Ranma's voice came echoing through the chamber. "Gotta fight now."
"What do you think you're going to do?" asked Misato, shooting a glance at the dumbstruck scientist next to her.
"Simple. I'm gonna go at it how it should be done. FORM BLAZING SWORD!"
"You don't have a blazing sword!" blurted out the faux blonde scientist.
"VUMMMMMM!" went the very air in front of the Evangelion as a cylinder of blue white light rose up right above Unit 01's right fist like the blade of a rapier.
"Err, Doctor Akagi? How did he just form a lightsaber?" Aoba mumbled.
Ritsuko would have answered him, but she was currently staring at the screen with wild eyes and hair that seemed intent on going into wild cowlicks.
Seemingly ignorant of what was going on with her superior, Maya's hands tapped over the keys of her console like a dancer doing a ballet. "As far as the data says, he's apparently condensed part of his own AT field into a blade useful in combat."
"Thanks for the info, Lieutenant," Misato commented, and smirked slightly at how things were going. Couldn't say that Ranma was particularly boring, after all. Or incompetent.
The Angel didn't look much like Kodachi. It was also big and throwing out attacks that would be fatal if they hit.
Ranma figured it was one of those Angel things and any resemblence to Kodachi was purely frightening incidental.
The whips slashed out, Eva-01 yawned as it dodged.
"Oh Hoh Hoh Hoh Hoh Hoh Hoh Hoh Hoh!"
"Hey, ya ain't got NOTHING on the real thing," said Ranma, thinking how he could tell if this WAS the real Kodachi. Yeah. That might do it. "Look! It's someone doing Rhythmic Gymnastics Martial Arts - and they're doing it WRONG!"
The Angel didn't so much as blink, continuing to slash away.
"Right," said Ranma, continuing to dodge. "That's all I needed to know."
"What did he mean 'real thing'?" asked Ritsuko, her voice rising in pitch and volume with each question. "What did he mean 'Rhythmic Gymnastics martial arts'? What did he mean 'damned blonde ditz'? HOW DID HE FORM BLAZING SWORD?"
"I don't know," said Misato. "I don't know. He might have meant the Angel - she's blonde after all. And I don't know and aren't you supposed to be the hotshot scientist type?"
"WHAT DOES HE DO - TWENTY IMPOSSIBLE THINGS BEFORE BREAKFAST?" exclaimed Ritsuko, beginning to twitch and shake.
"Nah, only four or five," said Misato. "Gotta admit though, the Blazing Sword thing is a pretty good idea. Extends his reach."
Twitch twitch twitch
"SAO- err Sayonara! RANMA SPECIAL MODIFIED ANTI-KAIJU TECHNIQUE! Slashwave!"
"Whoa! Just the air pressure knocked the kaiju off her feet!" said Misato.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh," said Ritsuko.
Slash! Slash!
"He's disarmed the kaiju? He cut right through the little wing things on her back!" noted Makoto.
"Ya wanna surrender?" asked Ranma of his foe as she tried to pick herself up.
Everyone knew that the next move was up to the Angel, as she was the one who would decide which way the fight would go next. If she tried to attack, then Ranma would no doubt have to strike back, which would likely destroy the Angel in a massive explosion. On the other hand, if it tried to run away, he'd either have to chase it down, or they'd have to wait and see what options would be available to them.
The white flag was a surprise though.
Yet it didn't seem to be an illusion as Ranma's eyes widened at the sight of it. Clear as day was what looked to be a cloth banner which was being waved so that he could not miss it. Instead of a self destruct, or some sort of retreat, she seemed to lose any sign of combat readiness, and gained some sort of... anxiety.
"Ya give up?" he asked, his own uncertainty echoing in his voice.
Sitting up fast enough to set her bosom jiggling, the Angel nodded quickly.
"This ain't a trick, is it?"
She shook her head this time.
"How do I know that ya really mean it?"
Seeming to understand what he meant, the oddly shapely Angel twisted about so that she could kneel down on the ground and bow to him so far that her forehead touched the earth, and the smooth curves of her backside nearly rose up in response.
"Okay... Guess that means that you're tryin' ta be sincere. If that's really how it is, I guess that I'll accept your surrender. But that means that you're my prisoner, and so ya gotta behave, understand?"
Between smiles of joy, the Angel set upon bowing to him as much as she could.
The sound of her clipboard falling to the floor was the only sound that Ritsuko made as she stared at what was going on the so called battlefield.
Misato tapped her nominal 'friend' on the forehead and when she got as much response as she would from a statue, she turned back to the 'bridge bunnies'. "What's going on?"
"Apparently, the Kaiju is trying to show submission," Maya reported. "From what we can tell, it's trying to make its surrender clear and complete."
"And how do we know that?"
"She seems to have taken to hugging Unit 01's leg. She's even pressing her breasts into it," Makoto answered.
"This isn't turning out how we would expect," Gendo murmured behind his folded hands.
The vice commander shrugged. "How could have anyone anticipated this?"
"True."
"This does leave us with a dilemma," commented Lieutenant Ibuki as she swiveled her chair so that she could face the Operations Director.
"Which would be..." Misato began.
"What do we do with a giant moster woman in skimpy clothing?"
Opening her mouth to give a quick answer, the captain stopped herself as she realized that the younger woman had a point. Trying to figure out an answer for that herself, she wondered about what she should make of it, Rei tried to take another swig from the bottle, only realizing after sucking on it briefly that it was empty. She spent another few seconds staring at the bottle as if it had somehow surprised or deliberately betrayed her.
This was followed in turn by her placing the bottle carefully and neatly on the stack of empty cans and bottles. She found disarray comforting but while drunk was finding a certain degree of order to be pleasing.
"I really donsh see whatsh Katsuragi shees in thish shtuff," muttered Rei as she searched through the apartment for something else to drink. "Whash good ish it an how dosh it helpsh the misshin?"
"What mission is that?" asked the penguin.
"I hash to be Ranma's girlfrien'," answered Rei. "Ish secret mishin so don't tell 'em."
"Oh, my beak is sealed," Pen-pen assured her. "Maybe you need to drink more."
THUD!
"My legsh jush gave out," noted Rei.
"Maybe you ought to go lie down then," said Pen-pen reasonably in a British accent whilst juggling herring and riding a unicycle around the room. "Ranma's bedroom is closer, so you should use that one."
"Thasha gud idear," agreed Rei, pulling off bits of clothing. "Jesh a quickie."
"So... how do we imprison a kaiju P.O.W.?" asked Maya.
"Ranma had no authorization to take prisoners," said Doctor Akagi. "We can simply kill the Angel and end the problem."
"Uhm, are you sure about that?" asked Misato. "Can't we learn more with a live one around to study?"
"But... we can't let that thing into the Geofront!" exclaimed Doctor Akagi.
"That is correct," allowed Gendo in his usual hands-steepled position at his desk. "Yet we cannot allow this opportunity to completely pass by either."
"I have an idea," said Makoto after a few minutes.
"HE DID WHAT?" demanded Asuka Langley Soryuu.
Kaji merely looked amused. "He formed a sword of a folded AT field, defeated an angel, demanded its surrender, and captured it. It, or she I suppose, is being held in a drydock facility in New Osuka."
"What? How? What? WHY?" asked Asuka.
"Because we've never been able to study a live Angel, though for some reason they keep calling them 'kaiju' in some of the reports," said Kaji easily.
"But... but... but..." managed Asuka. "A SWORD?"
"They gave him a prog knife and a rifle, apparently he felt the need for a close-quarter weapon with greater reach," said Kaji. "Quite skilled, wouldn't you say?"
"Just watch!" declared Asuka. "I'll manage it myself now that I know it can be done!"
Exhaustion wasn't something that Ranma particularly liked, but he was familiar enough with it. He was a martial artist after all, and training could be rough on even the most experienced and skilled practitioner. Being through enough fights had made him able to take that sort of hassle over the years, not that he particularly liked going through it in the first place. But he knew that relaxation was simply the best medicine, which was what he needed at that moment.
That was why he wasn't complaining all that much as he shuffled into the apartment that he was sharing. Oh, there was the requisite grumbling and groans, but he didn't have much of a reason to to make a production of it. Rather, he just felt like slumping into his room and getting a long nap in. If anyone deserved it, it was him, seeing as all that he'd gone through. Piloting that giant robot did take some stamina, and that had been a battle where he'd tried some new stuff out. Then had come the hassles afterward, what with the effort of the post fight settling taking place.
Of course, he might have had less exhaustion to handle if he hadn't had that scary doctor lady to deal with after the fight. Not only was she really uptight over his victory, but it seemed like she just had to get him naked every time that he saw her.
Fortunately, he was at his current home, and could get some private time in. Tugging off his shirt, he headed over towards the bedrooms, and tried to brush off all that the day had given him. Seeing as the place was quiet, that wasn't too hard, and it wasn't like he was trying to do anything that would get him into trouble.
But then he saw stuff on the floor, and frowned slightly as he recognized the sight of a discarded blouse. He did have to wonder where this had come from, but as he looked, he noticed that it wasn't alone. Peering down as he walked, he stopped himself before he stepped onto a bra, though he didn't know what else he should do about it. There was a moment where he considered picking it up, but he stopped himself before he could even try it. As it was, he'd likely get into enough of a hassle with having seen this stuff, never mind picking it up. Then again, given Misato's lack of housekeeping skills, and what he remembered of Rei's old place, he wondered if they'd actually notice that it was there.
Putting that stuff aside, he decided that he'd wait until later to worry about it. Right now though, he just wanted to go crash, pressing his face into his pillow, and snoozing for the next couple of days. Sure, it wasn't likely that he'd be able to get quite that much time to rest, but at the very least, he could get a couple of hours in. With a yawn, he headed straight for his bed, dropping his shirt off to the side as he got ready to plop right onto it. He might not have the cushiest bedding around, but at the very least it was soft enough to keep him warm and comfortable for his nap.
His eyes were already drooping as he went to go lay down, and he spread his arms out as tried to go prone as quickly as possible. Grace was falling down onto the wayside as he tried to go relax, with the allure of dreams pulling him to his sleep. Smiling to himself, he leaned down, judging which direction would allow his body to fall onto as much bed as possible... and froze in place as he realized that there was something most definitely keeping him from getting complete use of the bed.
Laying there, in nothing more than what was already on his bed was a rather familiar 'visitor', not that she didn't look appealing like that. Her body was attractive in a fragile sort of way, sort of like a china doll, what with her pale skin and delicate features. Feeling something like a pervert, he found that he could see that her breasts did match his memory, with their small nipples seeming to point out how her cleavage rose and fall with her even breaths. For some reason, she had snuggled up to his pillow, and had her nose pressed up against it. And he could see that she had small feet, as they were currently peaking out from under his bedding.
"Rei? What the hell are ya doin' here?" he choked out, his voice strangling on each word.
"Hmm?" the pale girl murmured, sending up a bleary look at him. "Is that really you?"
"Damned straight, it's me. But the real question's why you are here!"
"Needed to sleep. Had to get a rest after drinking."
The pigtailed boy's eyes went wide as confusion and frustration warred within him. "Okay, sure, but here?"
"This is where I have to come."
"Is it that important that you sleep in my bed?"
"Exactly. It is of absolute importance."
"Mind teling me why that is?"
"Simple. I need to be your girlfriend," Rei told him as she rose up uncertainly towards him.
Jerking as he got a glimpse of a sight that proved that she had naturally blue hair, Ranma had a distinct urge to bolt before he realized that she was going to fall back down. Taking the small hand that she'd been using to reach out to him in his grasp, he caught her before she collapsed. Instinct drove him to cradle her, as she seemed unable to keep steady, though he immediately began to wonder about the logic of such an action.
For her part though, the blue haired girl simply gave a satisfied sound and snuggled up against him. Apparently, she was entirely satisfied with cuddling and letting him support her totally. This wasn't exactly made to help Ranma's comfort level, but he had little choice at that point. Instead, all that he could do was try not to get into trouble, which did look like a fleeting prospect as he thought about it.
However, she wasn't looking to avoid anything, as she glanced at his mouth, apparently measuring the need to kiss him. Well, she even shifted up a bit, alternately pressing together and parting her lips as she went. Each brush of her body seemed to send a flush through her, which set her normally ivory skin aglow with a rather flattering shade of pink.
As she got closer, scents came drifting up from her breath, and the pigtailed boy slowly began to notice that she was quite drunk. Smelling such a thing really put a damper on his romantic desires, as a girl that smelled like a distillery wasn't exactly on his list of fantasies. Due to that, he was able to admit that even if she was appealing enough on her own, there was something really distasteful about even being accused of taking advantage of her like this.
Recognizing the pinch that he was in, he wondered how he could get Rei, who now had a light hold on his undershirt, dealt with.