CHAPTER 9

Notes: I think this is the first one I wrote all by myself! Yay! I'm a big kid now, boop! Prepare for the utter bulldozing of the so-called "fourth wall!"

D woke up and stole away from the hospital wing. On his way back to his dorm, he bumped into Peeves, who greeted D with a deep bow. "Leon the Peon is looking for you," he said, then zoomed away, cackling madly.

Sure enough, Leon came charging up to D. "Where the hell have you been!" he shouted. "What about our duel?!"

"Leon…" said D, putting his head in his hands, "I was in the hospital wing. Remember? Shinja bit me."

"Oh," said Leon, abashed, and then, to save face, "Did you have fun with all the pretty nurses?"

"There's only one nurse, you half-wit," shouted D.

"Well, did you have fun with that one?" asked Leon. He was getting more and more pwned by the minute.

"Well, if your idea of 'fun' includes having a potion shoved down your throat and passing out, then yes, tremendously," said D, looking like he was about to punch Leon. (AN: No, I think he prefers to have something ELSE shoved down his throat before passing out.) "And I wouldn't exactly consider Madam Pomfrey a 'pretty nurse!' I prefer my dentist back home."

"Why not?" asked Leon. D choked in surprise.

"Do you need glasses?! She's way too old for me!"

"So?" asked Leon. "That means she's probably more experienced."

"In what?!" asked D, incredulously.

"Come on, I'll show you," said Leon. "Let's go to the Potions supply closet."

Even for his naïveté, it didn't take D long to figure out what Leon was talking about.

"Leon, no! What if we get into trouble? You know Professor Snape hates Gryffindors like you, and you've already got detention from Umbridge!"

"Come on, already! The more time we waste bickering, the less time we'll have to ourselves! Do you want to become a woman or not?"

Well, D didn't know about that, but he stopped protesting and allowed Leon to lead him into the Potions supply closet. They had been going at it hot and heavy for thirty minutes when D heard the door open. "Oh fffffffffffuzz!" he exclaimed, the closest the kami had ever come to cussing. All of a sudden the door to the supply closet flew open, and there stood Snape in all his demonic, glorious ugliness (well, my cowriter wanted me to write "demonic glory," but I had to note just how freakin ugly the guy looked at this particular point in time, didn't I? Surprisingly, he's even more hideous than usual because it's too early in the morning and he hasn't put on his mud mask and cucumber eye thingies yet.)

Anyway, Snape looked furious…er. Is that a word? Aw hell, we'll make it one. He glared down at the profoundly grinding couple and yelled, in a bark that would surprise even a coyote, "What the frog's balls do you think you're doing? D, kissing a Gryffindor! You ought to know better! You're the son of a count for the gods' sakes!"

"I'm the son of a lying, conniving, evil, son-squicking bastard," replied D.

"And that's precisely why you should be above such petty behavior as tongue wars with Gryffindors!" Snape was too furious to comprehend a word D just said behind "son of a."

"Yo, spinach-breath! I don't think you're taking in all the details here! See, I'm on top! It was my idea!" shouted Leon, an extremely stupid move. You can read more about it in the best-selling book What's Mr. Jones's Last Name Again? by Iso Dumb.

"Detention, the both of you!" yelled Snape, livid. "Orcot, you will meet me here every evening for a week to clean out cauldrons. No magic. Is that understood?"

"Dur yeth dur," thed--er, I mean, said, Leon.

"And D, you are to meet me here this time tomorrow morning. Bring a quill, ink, and five rolls of parchment. You will be writing 'I will not kiss a Gryffindor.' Is that understood?"

"Yes, Professor," said D, hanging his head meekly.

"And for Hera's sakes, put your pants back on," said Snape disgustedly to the both of them. "Nobody wants to see that!"

D was irked that Snape considered Leon and D nobodies. He's so vain!