CHAPTER 10

Notes: Marie wrote like the last part… I wrote the rest. I do reference a fanfiction not yet published, but when it is, you'll know which one to look for. I did sort of rape Marie's work by adding my own comments and stuff, but otherwise I kept everything she wrote intact. The uppy-downy thing is an inside joke and originated from Just Shoot Me. Lulfulness! In case you can't tell our writing styles apart, I write the silly stuff and she writes the deep and serious stuff. Also, I always have a reason for the characters being OOC, like Snape for instance, because of the giddy potion, and she just writes them how she wants. Ohyeah, Giddy is also an inside joke meaning "cheerleader on crack." I forgot why that's the code, but… I remember it was made cuz we were at this school where they wouldn't let us have free speech.

Turns out that Leon and D weren't the only ones caught making out. Also, for those of you who still had doubts, turns out Snape's a frickin hypocrite. He was caught making out with Professor Trelawney in the Astronomy tower by Nearly Headless Nick, who reported it to the Bloody Baron, who took the matter to Professor Dumbledore. I'm not sure exactly how Dumbledore took care of the situation, but rumor has it that they could hear Snape's cries from miles around. Huh. I didn't know soulless creatures had tear ducts. I'll have to look into that.

That whole "caught-in-the-act" thing was made famous by that evening, as Peeves had heard Snape muttering about it all morning long and did his very best to humiliate the ole beak-face by singing rude, crude songs about it all day long. Indeed, the very next morning, when D came in to do detention, he saw that somebody (my money's on Fred and George) magically tattooed the word HOTLIPS across Snape's forehead. D secretly couldn't wait till Double Potions.

His levity didn't last very long, though. Writing lines was seriously annoying, especially when D knew he could be brushing up on his animal-summoning skills. Ah well, he couldn't curse Snape into oblivion without Professor Dumbledore noticing, so he just had to tough it out. Wow, what a concept.

Potions class, as D had predicted, was a bloody riot.

"Yo, Professor Hotlips! How ya doin, man?" called out Leon, as though his actions yesterday hadn't been dumb enough.

"Watch it, Mattress," snarled Snape.

"Goodness," said D mildly. "You sound just like my father, Professor, ah, Hotlips." Leon blew a kiss to D.

Snape looked confused. (No offense, Alice.) "You will address me as Professor Snape or not at all," he snapped.

"O-kay then," said Leon. "Yo, not at all! How ya doin, man? yelled Leon. Damn, what'd he have for breakfast, Carnation Instant Stupid?

"Do not call me man!" shouted Snape in outrage.

"O-kay then," said Leon. "Yo, Not At All! How ya doin, woman?" screamed Leon, his eyes popping.

"Uh, Professor? I think D's boyfriend is drunk," said Harry, grinning. As if to prove Harry right, Leon started singing something to the Lone Ranger tune.

"Uppy-down, uppy-down, uppy-down-down-down. Uppy-down, uppy-down, uppy-down-down-down. Uppy-down, uppy-down, uppy-down-down-down…uppy-DOWN, uppy-down-down­-down."

"Are you quite done yet?" asked D, embarrassed and thisclosetohittinghisheadonthewall--andpleasedon'taskwhichhead.

"Downy-up, downy-up, downy up-up-up, downy-up, downy-up, downy-up-up-up. Downy-up, downy-up, downy up. Up. Up… Downy UP… downy up-up-up," replied Leon, grinning.

"Orcot! This is a Potions class, not karaoke night at an S&M club!" shouted Snape. If the whole class wasn't looking bug-eyed before, they sure as hell were now.

"What's an S&M club?" asked D naively.

"It's a place where you go and beg for torture," replied Harry. "I heard my cousin Dudley talking about it once. He got kicked out of one because he was overqualified as a sadist."

"I'll bet," said Leon. "I've seen your cousin, and I'd have to say that just one good look at his ugly mug would be enough torture to last a lifetime--even for the hard-core masochists."

"What is a 'sadist'?" asked D.

"Yo," replied Leon, raising his hand.

"Uh…" D wasn't quite sure he understood, and he was afraid to ask for more detail. "And what's a 'masochist'?"

"Yo," replied Ron, pointing to Hermione. She's gotta be--she tortures herself with books every bloody day!"

"Shut up, Ron," snapped Hermione. "It is not torture, and I'm not a masochist!"

"Once again, what's a masochist?" asked D. He was starting to get frustrated.

"What kind of an idiot are you?" explained Hermione. (AQ: "What kind of a sycophant are you?" "What kind of a sycophant would you like me to be?)

"That's not a good explanation," said D, casting a meaningful glance down at his long, razor-sharp fingernails.

"It's somebody who enjoys being in pain," supplied Pansy.

"Thank you," said D, graceful as ever. "Now we can stop wasting Professor Snape's precious time with moronical banter. And may I say, that's an exquisite looking potion!" D knew he sounded like a brownnose, but he didn't particularly care. He was fascinated by the swirling colors in the Potion Master's cauldron.

"Finally, a student who can appreciate the fine art of potion making! This here is a very special potion whose recipe was imported from Idayott-Hophea at the turn of the century.

"Idiotopia?" asked Leon giddily, sounding like a cheerleader on crack. "Your homeland?"

Snape snarled. "I've had quite enough of your insolence, boy. Another two weeks of detention for you!"

"Well whoopty-tap-dancing-doo," said Leon sarcastically. "That is so fucking original of you… Hotlips."

"That's Professor Hotlips to you," snarled Snape, upon whom the Idayott-Hophean potion was clearly having an effect. "And don't say the 'fuck' word! Down to business, I say, to see which one of you idiots can properly brew the Vertigo Tonic. Have at it, giddy-heads!"

The class looked momentarily stunned but proceeded to follow the directions that had just appeared on the board.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER…

"Your potions should be pink with purple polka dots and emitting black sparks," said Professor Hotlips--uh, I mean, Professor Not At All--Professor Man?---uh, no--Professor Woman…? HELP!!!

Leon scowled. His own potion was currently a deep shade of blue and emitting red and orange sparks, and--

Leon swore loudly, uttering the forbidden "fuck" word several times in rapid succession--and some other forbidden words along with it.

The potion was eating through the cauldron and beginning to spew all over the floor. Leon jumped back just in time to avoid getting sprayed with it himself, and quickly put as much distance as he could between his cauldron and himself, his nearby classmates following suit. Professor Snape tried to Vanish it, but the potion took on a thick, gooey consistency and began to expand slowly, corroding away the floor as it went. It's eroding! Eroding I say!!!

D pulled his wand from his sleeve. "May I try something, Professor?" he asked quietly, but was barely heard over the panic of the other students, who were all scrambling for the door.

"Like what?" Snape demanded irritably, a slight hint of fear in his voice as well.

"I've seen such a thing before. It's called a Caustic Slime. My father concocted it once in his lab. As such, I know how to get rid of it," the kami explained.

"Go ahead!" Snape said hurriedly, as the potion was about to eat through his highly fashionable pumps, which he had bought while on vacation in Frisco. When asked if he wanted the pumps wrapped or if he would prefer to wear them, he had replied that he didn't buy them to have them sealed up in a box. The storekeeper had gotten angry and magically Superglued them onto Snape's feet, but, uh, that's another story. Um ...let's get back to Potions now!

D murmured a short prayer for the blue creature's soul --if it had one--and pointed his wand at the Slime. "Avada Kedavra! "

Everyone froze in their tracks as a jet of green light shot out of the wand-tip and hit the slime. It instantly began to shrivel into nothing more than a wrinkled black husk. D calmly put his wand away.

"You should be able to safely Vanish it now," he said quietly.

Snape looked bug-eyed at D. No, he did not want to give him a thank-you kiss. Instead--

"Go to the Headmaster's office! Now!"

"Can't you handle a little bit of basic magic?" sneered D, irked that his saving of Snape's shoes hadn't earned him any gratitude.

"Basic? Basic?! You call that basic?"

"Apparently," said D indifferently, shrugging.

"But-but-but--" Snape had to work to regain his composure. "That's the Killing Curse!"

"Yes, I'm aware of that," said D. "That's why the Slime went away." D spoke as though explaining to a five-year-old that C-A-T spells "cat."

"That's a Death Eater 's curse!" shouted Draco. "My father--uh--" Draco blushed, aware that he had basically just "outed" himself .

"What the Kirin's eyeballs is a Death Eater?" asked D.

"It's the Dark Lord's followers!" shouted Snape.

"Dark Lord? What Dark Lord? Who's a Dark Lord?" asked D naïvely.

"It's Lord Voldemort!" called Harry. Everyone save for Harry and D flinched.

"Lord Moldy Wart?" asked D, puzzled.

"Voldemort! V-O-L-D-E-M-O-R-T! Voldemort!" shouted Harry like he was at a spelling bee. Everyone save Harry and D flinched again.

"What is a Voldemort? Is that something you eat?"

"I don't want to know," groaned Leon.

"Voldemort! The Dark Lord! The guy that's responsible for this," said Harry, pulling back his bangs and exposing his scar. D's face lit up in comprehension.

"Is he one of those sadist people you were talking about?" he chirped happily.

Now Harry was thisclosetohittinghisheadonthewall--andpleasedon'taskwhichhead. "He's fairly sadistic, yes," said Harry patiently. "He killed loads of people with the Avada Kedavra curse.

"Human people?" D tried, and failed, to hide his excitement. "You'll have to introduce him to Father."

Harry blinked. "Are you evil?" he asked. "Or are you just insane?"

"I am not evil," snarled D. "It is you human people who are responsible for the death of millions of species! You selfish, ignorant--"

"That's quite enough!" snapped Snape. "Headmaster's office, now!"