Switching Places/Eva!
by Greylle and Kender_Sci
DISCLAIMER: Original series belong to someone else.
Chapter Sixteen: Go Fish.
Rei experienced an emotion. Not a pleasant one, and she filed the sensation away for later inspection and identification.
We walked in on him together, and therefore this indicates that this is a 'harem' situation after all.
Rei made a note that she would have to send money to because they obviously knew how to interpret such things and had been a big help in educating her on such situations.
She would have to research this further when she got a chance. For now though, it would seem - with neither Ranma nor Asuka moving (other than the slight clenching of hand and silently mouthing something in German from the Second Child) - that it was up to her to react to the situation.
"Hmmm," said Rei, noting that Asuka's "handle" had responded to the grip. "Larger than normal I think. What do you think Asuka?"
Asuka stared down at her hand, sliding up and down. "Well, I certainly think that... GOTT IN HIMMEL WHAT AM I DOING? RANMA IKARI! YOU PERVERT!"
Rei's hand swept out as Asuka released her grip and attempted to kick Ranma in the face. "Pilot Soryu. You are the only one in the bathroom wearing all your clothes, and you are the one who grabbed him. How does this make Ranma the pervert?"
"IT! IT!" Asuka stared at her hand, then at Ranma, then at Rei. "IT JUST DOES! IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN A GIRL LOOKS AT A GUY."
"Ah, I see," said Rei.
"Somehow I really really doubt that," said Ranma, grabbing the dropped towel and quickly fastening it into place.
"Asuka is the tsundere," said Rei. "Therefore she is also the pervert. She transfers any guilt or social/cultural dissonance between her inner pervertedness and the face she chooses to present to the world to you - the male."
"Eh?" asked Ranma AND Asuka as they tried to follow that.
"So, by generating feelings of tenderness or sexual attraction - you become the target of her hostility to cover such feelings," said Rei.
"NO I DON'T!" declared a rapidly reddening Asuka.
Ranma stopped, opened his mouth, closed it, thought about certain relationships, and finally spoke. "You know. That kinda thing would explain a lot."
Rei nodded. "I shall have to go to that website and research further."
"Is it okay if I scream and run out of the room now?" asked Ranma.
"I do believe that IS the required response," said Rei with a slight nod.
"Oh good," said Ranma. "AAAIIIIIIEEEEE!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAA!" responded Asuka, finally deciding to go shut herself off in her room.
Rei nodded as she was now alone in the bath. Wasn't there something she was required to say in such a circumstance? Oh yes. "Exactly as planned."
The black tie and sunglasses crowd on a nearby rooftop all looked at each other.
"Okay," said Agent Smith. "Normally, I don't gamble. On the other hand, this has gone straight into the Twilight Zone."
"You want to bet that things get weirder?" asked Agent Jones. "I don't think anyone's going to take that bet."
"Didn't think so," said Agent Smith.
"Another bird entered the perimeter, seems to be a real bird. No AT field detected," said Agent Seito.
"Ikari Junior there seems to get panicky around women," noted Agent Sato.
"You still mad about him kicking you into a wall?" asked Seito.
"Of course not," lied Sato.
"Because if you WERE and as a result Ranma Ikari had a lot more girls suddenly associating with him, I would totally and completely swear that I'd never heard the idea mentioned or had an idea who was responsible," said Seito.
"Just as long as it doesn't affect his ability to pilot," reminded Smith.
"Of course," agreed Sato.
"Better make sure it's nothing he can trace back to you either," pointed out Seito.
Rei logged on, quickly going through the various screens as she performed research. She took her mission very seriously and would do well. That there seemed to be personal benefits and odd feelings about the whole thing was beside the point.
"Oh, it takes three romantic interests to make a 'harem story'?" asked Rei of herself as she read. Well, then this was just a 'love triangle' then. Which, according to the sources she was accessing - most often ended badly for all concerned. Why adding more romantic interests would actually decrease the severity of the end was completely unclear to her.
So.. who to acquire as the third?
She would have to consider this carefully.
"This has to be the most STUPID, nonsensical, lame, idiotic plan to destroy an Angel. EVER!"
"I dunno," said Ranma. "It's a fish-kaiju, kinda makes sense you can't just walk up to it and stick a prog knife in it."
Asuka glowered at Ranma Ikari's image in the monitor. Ranma smirked back at her, hands folded behind his head.
"I hate you," said Asuka.
"I hate to interrupt your tsundere comic relief affectionate banter," said Rei.
"WHAT?!" roared Asuka.
"-but I'm unsure how you'd rather deal with this particular kaiju," said Rei. "It just swims up and down the coast menacinig fishing vessels."
"I'd find out where it was, throw a few N2 mines into the water until it rises to the attack, and THEN fight it." Asuka pointed at Ranma. "I can't believe you are going along with this farce!"
"Why not?" asked Ranma. "Doesn't sound that bad."
"It sounds like Captain Drunkard was drinking when she came up with this!" said Asuka.
"Ahem."
Asuka blinked. "She's right behind me, isn't she?"
Ranma nodded.
"Well, it's still a crazy plan," said Asuka.
"Meh," went Ranma, walking away. "We'll see. If it's crazy but it works..."
"Then it's still crazy!" said Asuka, raising her voice.
"Ahem," said Misato from where she was still standing behind Asuka.
"Honestly, if this plan works I'll..." Asuka paused trying to find something suitable to indicate her ironclad belief that this was insane and stupid. "Run completely around Tokyo 3!"
"How about a lap of the Geofront's farm area instead?" asked Misato, who thought this was still an awfully big lap.
"HAH!" said Asuka, wanting to top this because obviously it was given out of not considering how great she really was. "I'll do a lap in an outfit more ridiculous than THAT!"
Misato blinked and looked at where Asuka was pointing.
"It's not my fault!" indicated Ritsuko Akagi in her new plugsuit with the cat-ear-shaped connectors and the tail-antenna.
"Looking good, Ritsu!" indicated Misato.
"That's not the point!" indicated Ritsuko, her tail sticking straight up.
"Whoa, servomotors on the tail that react to your emotional state?" noted Misato, sounding quite impressed. "Maya did pretty good work."
"That's also not the point!" indicated Ritsuko.
Asuka blinked and realized she MAY have put her foot in it this time. Time to make the other back off. "But! If your plan fails, then YOU have to wear an outfit like that!"
"I dunno," said Misato. "I think I got an inch to lose off my waist before I wear something like that."
"Actually it lifts and shapes when it shifts to form-fitting... ALSO not the point!" said Ritsuko.
"So what IS the point?" asked Misato.
"I... " Ritsuko paused, then slumped a little. With her tail and ears also drooping. "I forget. Damn teenage hormones affecting my brain chemistry!"
"Well, whatever Ritsu," said Misato.
"Well, then you don't have any excuse not to wear one," said Asuka brightly.
"Meh, I've worn worse," said Misato, dismissing the threat. "So, do you have a better plan?"
"As a matter of fact, yes," said Asuka. "This plan can't fail."
"It can't?" asked Misato as Ritsuko came over.
"I guarantee it," said Asuka.
ker-plunk!
Ranma sighed at the controls of Unit 01.
whzz-whzz-whzz-whzz-whzz-whzz.
"Problem, Ranma?"
"Nah. I'm cool." Ranma shrugged. "Only problem might be is if I fall asleep here."
"Well, you don't have to worry about running out of power," said Aoba from where he was monitoring things back at Nerv HQ. "So, that might not be a problem."
"THIS IS THE MOST INSANE THING I'VE EVER SEEN!"
"Standing on the deck of a Russian tanker with a spear was YOUR idea for catching the kaiju, I mean 'Angel', Asuka," pointed out Aoba, safe from immediate reprisal for pointing this out. Or so he thought.
"Not so loud, Asuka," said Ranma as Unit-01 continued to sit back on the shore and give occasional twitches to the Eva-sized fishing pole in its hands. "You'll scare the fish away."
Asuka said something long and involved in German.
Ranma thought back to the phrases he had memorized for impressing Asuka and decided now was the perfect time to try one or two out. These should break the ice. "(Your struedel cannot compare in magnificence to my bratwurst.)"
There was absolute dead silence following that statement in badly accented (almost indecipherable) German.
"Wha-wha-what did you say?!" demanded Asuka, as soon as she'd managed to unmangle Ranma's sentence into something comprehensible. "(You idiot! You don't even want to get started with me! And your bratwurst is limp and flaccid!)"
Ranma cocked his head. He didn't speak German, but she SOUNDED as if she were surprised at his gesture. And smug about something. Well, how about this other phrase he'd written down for just such an emergency. "(Tell the Black Forest we found their witch.)"
"WHAT?!" roared Asuka.
Aoba couldn't help it, he started laughing until he was able to fumble the comm channel closed.
"I wanted to make you feel welcome so I studied some German, Rei helped," said Ranma. Friendly banter was something he understood at least. "Oh, and 'you have a magnificent moustache'."
"Urk. I... You... Ergle. Wait till I get out of this entry plug!"
"I'm impressed the Technical Division made this in three days," said Ranma, focussing on the positive as the German pilot sputtered away. "This is pretty neat."
Aoba was perfectly happy to steer the conversation away from the previous topic. "Eh, turns out three of the staff there used to be fishing enthusiasts prior to Second Impact. The chance to make a graphite rod and reel combination was something they were fairly enthusiastic about."
In the grand scheme of things, he was a nobody. Just a member of NERV Technical Division.
His name was Daihaku Sugimoto and he remembered fourteen years previously when he'd last gone fishing with his father for his twelfth birthday. Those times had been very precious prior to that, his father often being too busy for any kind of family time - but the fishing trips had been a tradition passed down through the generations.
Then had come Second Impact. Fishing in Lake Biwa was no longer going to happen. Fishing anywhere in Japan was an iffy prospect. One of the UN laws passed a few years after their takeover had severely wounded an already crippled fishing industry in Japan, and sport fishing was completely eliminated even after the ecosystem had begun recovering.
If the timeline had not changed, he would never have confessed to fellow technician Kyoko Mihara that he'd always been attracted to her. Particularly after reading her college dissertation on the feasibility of Gundams versus Armslaves for orbital construction work.
If the timeline had not changed, Daihaku would have tried to shield Kyoko from a UN soldier, not realizing she was already dead. He would have died after being sprayed with a flamethrower, lingering for minutes that would seem an eternity. Even in death he would have failed to find peace as Third Impact would occur and his death would have been recent enough that he couldn't escape.
He knew none of this though, and so merely watched as the giant-sized rod and reel he'd built from memory of his father's fishing equipment was used, and reminisced about happier times long past.
"Stupid Ranma. Stupid Misato. If it's anything like the size of the other Angels, clearly a fishing pole isn't going to work," said Asuka. After all, when you're going after a fish several times your own size - you should treat it as a whale. Which was why she had a roll of high strength cable and an Evangelion-sized spear. All she had to do was wait by the sonic "lure" and as soon as it came close - BAM.
Of course, she'd had to go get a boat sufficiently sized to support Unit-02, and she was plugged into its power. Which would be insufficient for combat but the little trickle of power WAS sufficient while she was mainly inactive like this.
"Damn it! This plan isn't working!" said Asuka after about fifteen minutes. "The fish isn't coming!"
Which, of course, was when a large fish lifted up underneath Asuka's ship before closing its teeth and swallowing whole both ship and Eva.
"Oh, that can't be good," said Ranma, still sitting inside Unit 01, which itself was still sitting upon the shore with an enormous fishing pole whose line ran out to the ocean.
A popup window of Rei, monitoring from back at NERV Central, foreshadowed her own comment on the matter. "I would not count her out just yet."
Proving her point, the giant fish-angel leapt up out of the water and momentarily hung there, with Asuka's Unit-02 visible in the process of forcing its mouth open again from the inside. The fish hung in midair for a moment, and then was gone again under the water's surface.
"Cables's cut," said a tech monitoring nearby. "She's down to five minutes of emergency power."
"Hang on," said Ranma, standing up and watching carefully at where the float marking his fishing line was bobbing on the water. The four empty oil cans abruptly dipped beneath the water.
Ranma played the line out, tugged it, waggled the line, and otherwise fought the big beast at the other end of the line as if it were some more typical large fish.
The fight went on for roughly four minutes before the fish finally breeched again.
"FROM HELL'S HEART, I STAB AT THEE!" proclaimed Asuka as she repeatedly stabbed at the fish-angel, apparently wedged in its mouth and using her unit's free hand to jab the progressive knife into every portion of flesh she could reach.
Still far away in Tokyo-3, Rei offered a bit of commentary after using the free German-Japanese translation program she'd found to try a little German herself. "(I think you need your glockenspiel hammered.)"
For some reason Misato excused herself during the middle of the operation as she seemed to have some difficulty breathing.
Ranma continued his tug of war briefly, waiting for his chance as the fish-angel submerged again.
"FOR HATE'S SAKE, I SPIT MY LAST BREATH AT THEE!" declared Asuka as the two emerged from the water again, still stabbing away.
"Overdramatic much?" mumbled Ranma as he dropped the rod and reel, kicked the rifle up to chest-level, fired three shots, and then grabbed the fishing pole before it could fall the rest of the way to the ground.
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING!" shot back Asuka before she and Moby Dick Gaghiel submerged again. "And Rei? As to my glockenspiel..." Unfortunately, whatever she'd planned on saying was lost as she submerged again and lost power simultaneously.
Ranma slowly reeled in his line, finally giving a big tug and pulling the angel's corpse and Asuka from the water.
"Not one word, Third Child. Not. One. Word," cautioned Asuka over the radio, her Eva currently half-in and half-out of the angel's mouth. Then even that amount of power cut out.
"Hey guys, can I get a couple pictures?" asked Ranma, marching towards the fish angel. "I think this one might set a couple of records."
"Uhm," said Aoba over the comm channel after remembering to turn it back on. "This is all classified, you know."
"So?" said Ranma. "Hmmm. I wonder what angelfish tastes like."
"You're not serious, are you?" asked Aoba.
As Ranma advanced on the fallen angel, Aoba could have sworn that the beast's expression had turned to horror.
"Stop complaining, I got you out of there, and you DID get to repeatedly stab the sucker," said Ranma.
"That's not the point!" complained Asuka.
"I can't believe you ate the Angel," said Misato, looking a little green.
"Nah, Unit 01 ate some, I was feeling kinda hungry and figgered it was one of those sensations being fed to me through the link," explained Ranma. "Besides, I didn't eat the whole thing. Just a bit."
"Maya threw up," said Misato. "Twice."
"What, she got something against sashimi?" asked Ranma. "Needed soy sauce."
"Hurk," said Maya, looking ill again.
"There's enough left you could feed a small country," pointed out Ranma.
"Ick," said Maya, covering her mouth.
"Don't think about that, Maya," advised Misato. "Think about the outfit you're going to get for Asuka to wear as she runs those laps."
There were a few muttered German swear words in response to that statement. Or it could have been something to do with her glockenspiel. Hard to tell, really.
"Ah," said Rei, propping her elbows on the table from where she'd been watching the debrief, and adopting a familiar pose. "Exactly as planned."
Asuka stared at Rei for a moment. "Okay. THAT is seriously creepy."
"Also as planned."
"Gott in himmel, am I the only sane person in Tokyo-3?" asked Asuka of no one in particular.
"Well..." said Aoba.
"Maybe a loli-goth look?" asked Maya, looking over Asuka.
"Hah! I'd rather go naked than... what in the hell am I saying?" said Asuka, realizing she'd been about to dig herself in deeper and averting that at the last moment.
"Hmmm," said Rei. Not laughing, just making a sound in that general direction. Honestly, she'd wondered why the Commander often did this with the exact same pose so often - and now she suspected it was due to the psychological effect on his underlings. Most curious.
"So, anyway, found kaiju and killed it," said Ranma. "We even recovered that piece of the laser-kaiju..."
"Ramiel!" yelled Ritsuko, fidgeting with her plug suit's tail. "And they're Angels!"
"Speaking of that, what did you find out, Ritsu?" asked Misato of her blonde associate.
"We're still running tests," admitted Ritsuko. "It certainly seems inert, otherwise we'd never have risked using it as a bait."