CHAPTER 12

Notes: I think I wrote this… I wrote the "speech" when I was like 12 or 13, I think maybe 12. I thought it'd be funny. Since then it's gone through many evolutions and is not supposed to make any actual sense. Yeah, um, I also parodied the Mountain Dew Code Red radio commercial--luffles-- and added a lame That 70's Show reference. Ok, and an amendment to the last note. I do sometimes write people out of character and am using weird animal-body-part references that I know none of them would ever say but... meh.

When D got back, it was time for History of Magic. He slipped in, quiet as Professor Binns himself, and took his seat unnoticed next to Harry.

Professor Binns shuffled his notes. Leon snickered.

"What?" snapped Hermione, looking supremely annoyed.

"You'll see. D gave me a piece of parchment earlier that I gave to Fred and George, who snuck up here and--well, you'll see."

Hermione scowled, but couldn't demand more detail as she was of the vague lately herself.

"Duh Dentistry so Tragic has always dunce hindered the bed vacation of dung glitches and gizzards to be an excited whim court dance," read Professor Binns. The class looked at him, stunned, and started to giggle. Professor Binns was unfazed. "The dare sifts all tattered and torn may come to nothing if not neutered and cloned with careless destruction."

"What is going on here?" hissed Hermione.

"D's new friends rewrote Umbridge's speech," said Ron, pronouncing friends with a strong contempt; although right now, Ron was admiring the Slytherins. Not that he'd ever admit it. "According to D, Pansy was mocking the speech the whole way through and Malfoy wrote it down and gave it to D, who gave it to Leon, who gave it to Fred and George, who snuck up here and replaced Binns's notes with it.

"The bank sent pills unique to the Gizzarding community must be fast frowned through the desperation lest we choose to be unclever." More than half the class was now paying rapt attention--even those who hadn't actually listened to Umbridge's speech could pick up that this was a spoof. D secretly subtitled Binns's "lesson" with sentences from the original speech so the class could get the spoofs.

"The pleasure stove of tragical spoilage abashed by our grand thefters must be farted, banished, and demolished by those who have been falled by the humble depression of leeching."

"I never thought I'd hear stodgy old Binns say 'farted,'" whispered Ron to Leon. Leon grinned. Hermione, however, was not amused.

"Do you realize how much trouble you will be in if Dumbledore finds out about this?" she hissed. "Leon, I ought to put you in detention!"

"Did you have a bowl of Bitchios for breakfast or what? Lighten up!"

Harry and Ron held their breath. They both knew Hermione well enough to know that she wouldn't take to being called a bitch very well. But before she could respond, a paper airplane smacked Leon directly on his carotid artery.

"Ow! What the fuck?!" he snarled before opening the note. How mature and original it is to try to insult a human with animal references, it read sarcastically. Now I see why Prof. Dumbledore was absolutely torn between the decision of whether to make you or Ron Weasley a prefect.

Leon looked around at D, who cheekily blew him a kiss. Now Hermione was laughing. Or could that have just been because of the next part of Binns's "lesson"?

"Every bred bastard and dead sister of Frog Snorts has brought pumpkin goo to the Hades flask of mothering his boring fool, and that is a good spree, for without dog breath there will be carnations on Drag's Day."

Just then, a short, squat shadow appeared in the doorway. Three guesses who, and the first two don't count.

Professor Binns didn't seem to notice.

"There again, dog breath for bog mess's sake must be flourished, for our fried and bested admissions often conspire no clinkering. A talent, then, between mold and spew, between earnest fangs, between inhibitions in adoration, because some dangers will be for the wetter, while others will come, when jewels have limes, to be recognized as terrors that Fudge meant," he droned. Professor Frog-face gave a prissy little "Hem, hem," but Binns was undistracted. "Meanwhile, some cold rabbits will be restrained, and fiery goats, whereas others, goaded with corn, must be a cad's friend. Let us groove doorwood then, into a new era of dopiness, defectiveness, and counting celery, intent on unnerving what ought to be deserved, defecting what needs to be perfected, and mooning whenever we find hag riches that ought to be inhibited."

Leon stood up and cheered. The rest of the class followed suit, save for Hermione and Umbridge.

"Professor Binns!" said Umbridge shrilly. "What is that you're reading?!"

"This is my lesson," said Binns shortly. "If you have a problem with my lesson plan, take the matter to the headmaster."

"Let's blow this pop stand," whispered Leon. The Golden Quartet stood, and the rest of the class followed suit.

"Oh no you don't! Orcot!" snapped Umbridge. "Mr. Orcot, will you come here, please?" she asked in her falsely sweet voice.

"Yeah?" asked Leon casually.

"I know you were responsible for this."

"For what?" Leon continued his act of complete nonchalance.

"You know perfectly well for what! For this lesson!"

Leon frowned. "Professor, I have no idea what the rabbit's whip you're talking about. I have never helped a teacher plan a lesson. It's bad enough I have to hear them in class--do I really need that torture after hours?" To the rest of the class, he said, "C'mon, y'all. Who's comin' with me to the Muggle convention? We're goin' now, people!"

"A Muggle convention?" asked Harry blankly, when they were safely outside the classroom.

"Don't you read the notice board?" snapped Hermione, who was still traumatized after History of Magic. "It's a special annual thing where the shops in Hogsmeade all sell Muggle paraphernalia. Ah, here we are!" she said in relief as they stepped inside Hogsmeade.

"My dad would love that," said Ron. "I'll have to bring him back an oven toaster."

"What?" asked Hermione, looking puzzled.

"An oven toaster. You know, you put bread in it and--"

"It's called a toaster oven, Ron. Honestly, don't you know anything?"

"No more Bitchy Pills for you, Little Miss Crabby Ass," muttered Leon.

"I heard that," griped Hermione.

"Stop fighting," said Harry, exasperated. "Let's just go and get Mr. Weasley a toaster oven. Oh, Ron, there are also some candy I want to show you. It's called a Milky Way bar."

"Wild," murmured Ron. "Hey, what's that over there?" Ron pointed.

"That's what we call a 'soda vendor.' You'd know that if you ever shopped anywhere besides Butterbeers R Us," said Leon crossly.

"And that red stuff--Oh wow, I've heard of this! Mountain Dew Code Red," said Ron reverently.

"Well go get some!" said Leon.

"Really?" Ron seemed too afraid to disturb the holy nectar.

"Yeah! God knows you need a good…kick…in the cherries," said Leon, remembering a commercial and smirking.

"Is that what they call it?" asked Ron, his face lighting up like Christmas.

"Uh…yeah," said Leon unconvincingly. Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but Leon added loudly, "We'll be at Zonko's buying whoopee cushions. Go, get your kick in the cherries--oh, and better get it on ice."

"Right then," said Ron, marching up to the vendor. "Oi, you, I'll have a kick in the cherries!"

The vendor, Bob, looked at Ron like he was insane. Well, Ron is insane--and gullible at that--but that's not the point. "I'm not going to give you a kick in the cherries!"

"Why not?" asked Ron, looking thoroughly put out.

"Because you have problems," said Bob.

"Aw, come on," wheedled Ron. "I'm paying."

"Well, if you say so…the customer is always right…"

Over at Zonko's, Harry, Leon, and Hermione heard a resounding "UUWAAAARRRRGHHH!"

"That sounded like it was coming from the soda vendor!" said Harry. Leon began to snicker evilly. Hermione rounded on him.

"This is all your fault, you know," she lectured severely. "You're the one who told him to get a good kick in the cherries!"

"Oh, like you weren't thinking the same thing!"

"Well, I--That's not the point, Leon! What you did is wrong!"

"Yeah, yeah." Leon yawned hugely. "C'mon, let's go help him out."

"BLOODY HELL, MAN! ARE YOU OFF YOUR ROCKER?!!!!!!!"

"Holy hell, Ron, yell a little louder why don't you? They can't hear you in China!" snapped Leon. "Get some balls, why don't you! You're screaming like a fucking girl!"

"If you haven't noticed, this idiot of a vendor just debased my balls," snapped Ron back. "I tried to ask him for a Mountain Dew Code Red the way you told me, and he bloody kicked me!"

"Oh, you meant a kick of cherry," said Bob.

"What?"

"Mountain Dew Code Red: Do a kick of cherry, not a kick in the cherries!"

"What the--" Ron rounded on Leon. "This is all your fault you moron!"

"What the fuck! Why does everybody pick on me?!"

"You're the one who told me to go get a bloody kick in the bloody cherries!"

"Hey! Buy something or get out! I got a big wedding coming in!" interjected Bob.

"Bob, you don't have a big wedding coming in," said Leon.

"Did I say that? Because I meant to say, Buy something or get out!"

"Fine," said Harry. "Four Mountain Dew Code Reds." Harry put down a few Galleons.

"What do you call this?" asked Bob smarmily, fingering a gold coin.

Harry snatched back the Galleons and put down a 100-lb bill in their place. "Keep the change," he muttered.

"Where'd you get that? I thought you said Petunia and Vernon don't give you money!" said Hermione suspiciously.

"The… Internet?" asked Harry. He then went on to explain what the Internet was to a hobbling Ron before Hermione could question him further.