CHAPTER 13
Notes: I know, I put Cho really out of character, but I've had this unreasonable hatred of her ever since book 3, so yeah. It's not jealousy, by the way. I just hate the bitch. Anyway, there is some bad language in her essay, which is a parody of the essays everybody at Esther B. Clark has to write when they get in trouble. I also quoted Buffy for gods know what reason… Oh yeah, and this whole chapter was written by me. I think. This will be the last chapter until my tired half-wit brain can come up with some new material, which would require re-reading the books... ugh... thinking bad... bed good...
"Bloody hell," complained Ron when they got back from Hogsmeade.
"For Marilyn Monroe's sake, Ron, nobody wants to hear about your 'cherries' anymore!" growled Leon.
"Who the bloody hell is Marilyn Monroe? And it's not about that!"
"Sex goddess. What then?"
"Can you believe how much that Chang girl was crying? She's like Moaning Myrtle, only worse!"
"I know what you mean," said Leon. "Chang makes Myrtle look like a badass. So?"
"What do you mean, 'so'?"
"You're a prefect! Do something about it!"
"Like what?"
"Make her write lines or copy an essay or something."
"What if it makes her cry even more?"
"This is ridiculous," said Hermione. "You can't give somebody an essay just for crying."
"Watch me," said Ron. "Who's going to help me write it up?"
Harry had mysteriously disappeared at this point, and Hermione along with him. (AN: MYSTERIOUS! This cookie holds secrets!) Wonder what they're up to? Ah well, it's probably none of our business. Besides, I kinda get the feeling I don't want to know. Let's just watch Ron and Leon compose an essay, shall we? Oh, here comes D to join them! Well, the more the merrier!
"Well, first we should have her say why she's copying this essay," said D sensibly, using his telepathy to figure out what was going on.
"Well, that's easy: She's more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle," replied Ron.
"Very well," said D, tapping a piece of parchment with his wand so that the words I am copying this essay because I am more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle appeared.
"Let's go to the library to figure this out," suggested D.
"Are you bloody off your rocker?" demanded Ron.
"No. We'll take turns tapping the parchment with our wands so there won't be a need to speak," said D.
"That's…brilliant," said Leon. D blushed as though Leon had kissed him. Don't we all wish he had?
By suppertime, this is what they had:
I am copying this essay because I am more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle. People do not like me when I cry. I want people to like me. Everybody deserves respect who is not a Slytherin, but nobody will respect me if I am such an annoying crybaby.
I have control over my behavior. I can control myself and act age-appropriate. Crying like a baby is not age appropriate unless you just got socked in the mouth by Hermione or tasered in the balls with Snape's wand. I was not crying for either of these reasons so I should just deal with it.
Copying this essay is a waste of my time. I could be doing something else. If I stop being such a bloody crybaby, I will not have to copy this annoying essay in the future. If I cried while writing this essay, I will have to rewrite it.
1. Why am I copying this essay? (What did I do? Please note that that "Because bloody what's-his-face said so" is NOT an acceptable answer.)
2. I choose to be more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle because…
3. Five things I can do to stop being such a snot-nosed crybaby are…
4. Ten reasons I should be age-appropriate are…
5. 15 positive things about the teacher or prefect who assigned this essay are…
"Bloody brilliant," whispered Ron.
"I think we're ready," said Leon. As if on cue, Cho walked into the library, howling like a wolf. Madam Pince did not look pleased.
"Oi, Chang!" scream-whispered Ron. "Cut the crying or I'll give you detention!"
"I c-c-can't!" hiccupped Cho. "I-I-I--" She erupted into a fresh round of wails.
"Silencio!" snapped Ron and Leon together, pointing their wands at Cho. "That's it! Detention tonight! I'm getting bloody sick of your crying. We all are. Meet us after supper and we'll give you the essay!"
They met after supper. Ron gave Cho the essay. At midnight, she finally turned it in. (She had had to restart it several times due to crying.)
"Well, let's see it, then."
I am copying this essay because I am more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle. People do not like me when I cry. I want people to like me. Everybody deserves respect who is not a Slytherin, but nobody will respect me if I am such an annoying crybaby.
I have control over my behavior. I can control myself and act age-appropriate. Crying like a baby is not age appropriate unless you just got socked in the mouth by Hermione or tasered in the balls with Snape's wand. I was not crying for either of these reasons so I should just deal with it.
Copying this essay is a waste of my time. I could be doing something else. If I stop being such a bloody crybaby, I will not have to copy this annoying essay in the future. If I cried while writing this essay, I will have to rewrite it.
1. I am copying this essay because Ron the Tornado-hater and his stuck-up mates have a problem with people who are in touch with their feelings.
2. I choose to be more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle because…it's more productive than ambushing random people with pointless asinine essays.
3. Five things I can do to stop being such a snot-nosed crybaby are…kiss my arse, shove this essay up your arse, fuck you, eat cowshite and die, and go play in Muggle traffic.
4. Ten reasons I should be age-appropriate are…so I won't have to copy this lame-arsed essay, so I won't have to answer these lame-arsed questions, so Harry Potter will think I'm pretty, so D's boyfriend won't put a curse on me in the library, so Pansy Parkinson won't mistake me for a first year, so I can get a butterbeer without Mommy having to buy it for me, so the weird men at the Hog's Head stop asking me if I'm "lost, little girl," so Professor Sprout will let me touch the Mandrakes, so I can kick your arse, and so I can take this essay and shove it up your arse.
5. 15 good things about the teacher or prefect who assigned this essay are…Ron Weasley is good at complaining, he's good at doing pointless things, he's good at annoying everyone around him, he's good at being an inconsiderate prick, he's good at screwing up spell-work, he's good at puking slugs, he's good at making himself look like a fool, he's good at getting kicked in the cherries, he's good at being lazy, he's good at getting his friends to do everything for him, he's good at letting the Quaffle in, he's good at taking a Bludger to the stomach, he's good at playing Harry Potter's lapdog, he's good at making himself sound as stupid as Gregory Goyle, he's good at looking like a damn sissy whenever there's a spider around, and he's good at kissing his pillow and pretending it's his Great Aunt Tessie.
"Right then," said Ron, red-faced. "I'll just show this to Professor McGonagall and be on my way, then."
"Your mouth's open. Sound's coming from it. That's never good," said Leon as they walked back to the Gryffindor common room.
"What now?" challenged Ron.
"Well, you're kinda like a moron," explained Leon. "You want to show this essay to Professor McGonagall to get Chang in trouble, but when she sees what you made her copy, you're going to be the one in trouble."
"Oh yeah? Prove it."
"Uh, well…" Leon looked flustered. D, who had taken to lurking outside the Fat Lady's portrait lately (gee, maybe because of his new boyfriend?), gently removed the essay from Ron's hands and scanned it, reading aloud the offending parts.
" 'I am copying this essay because I am more of a crybaby than Moaning Myrtle'--"
"Well, that is why she's copying the essay!"
D ignored Ron. " 'Everybody deserves respect who is not a Slytherin'--"
"You're just upset because you're a bloody Slytherin!"
" '--but nobody will respect me if I am such an annoying crybaby…' 'Crying like a baby is not age-appropriate unless you just got socked in the mouth by Hermione or tasered in the balls with Snape's wand. I was not crying for either of these reasons so I should just deal with it.'"
"Well…well, it's true! She should just deal with it," said Ron defensively, but his defense was rather weak. "Besides, look at the answers she wrote to the questions!"
"Mr. Weasley, what is going on here? What is all this racket? Miss Granger has been complaining that she's having trouble studying because of it!" Professor McGonagall appeared right behind Ron.
"Professor, look at this! Look at what she answered to the questions!"
"I beg your pardon?"
D piped up. "Ron gave Cho Chang detention and made her copy an essay because she was crying quite loudly in the library, and it was interfering with his studying," he said. Ron and Leon blinked. Neither of them had known that D was such a smooth talker. Leon felt an unexplainable rush of affection for D.
"Let me see that," said Professor McGonagall. Her eyebrows knitted as she read the essay, but D could tell from a slight tic in her jaw that she was fighting to keep from laughing. He smiled soothingly over at Ron, and Ron relaxed.
"Well, I must say that this essay is not quite the epitome of good role-modeling, not to mention that putting another prefect in detention just because she annoys you is not exactly 'age-appropriate,' as you put it. However, given that Professor Snape overlooked it when Mr. Malfoy attempted to give Miss Granger detention for being a--well, not quite of pure wizard heritage…"
Leon and Ron shared a Look. It was well-known throughout Hogwarts that Draco Malfoy prided himself on being what is considered a "pure-blood," and that he looked down on people who are "not quite of pure wizard heritage." There was a word for that condition: Mudblood. Everybody in the Wizarding world also knew that that was a very offensive insult. Even D, who was fairly new to the Wizarding world, understood that the term "Mudblood" referred to bad breeding.
"Well, I've decided to enforce a new policy: Whatever Professor Snape allows his students to get away with, I shall allow my students to as well. Professors Sprout and Sinistra have decided to enforce this policy within their Houses as well. If there are any complaints, we shall use the (granted, rather childish) excuse that 'Professor Snape started it.' So, Mr. Weasley, I shall not punish you for putting Miss Chang in detention, but likewise, her head of House probably will not punish her for her essay answers, in which case I shall step in on your behalf."
Ron gaped open-mouthed as Professor McGonagall left. "W-w-what's gotten into her?" he asked.
"Dunno," replied Leon. He turned around and gave D a kiss goodnight. "Mimbulus mimbletonia," he told the Fat Lady.