Leon kicked down the door. D had somehow managed to get himself kidnapped. Again. Only this time, the culprit was some sort of mad scientist. He found a beaten and battered D with his wrists tied to a metal loop on the wall above his head, in front of a machine that looked like some sort of cliché Laser Death Ray out of a science fiction horror B-movie.

"You hate humans, do you?" the scientist asked D from the controls of the machine, ignoring the police officers. He laughed insanely. "Let's see how long you survive without them!" He twisted a few dials and pushed a button, and the machine began to glow.

Without thinking, Leon put his gun back in its holster and dashed over to D, rummaging through his pockets as he went for his Swiss Army Knife to cut the ropes with. But, just as he grabbed hold of D's wrist, the machine fired a beam of red light at them, and they both passed out, vanishing seconds later.

When Leon awoke, they were in a vaguely familiar place. An animal that the detective did not recognize stepped out of some nearby bushes. It looked at him hungrily.

D began to stir. Both Leon and the animal found themselves distracted by the nature demigod and his movements. The kami's eyes fluttered open. He looked around as much as he could without sitting up.

"Hello..." he said softly to the animal. It walked over to him slowly. Leon reached for his gun, but D motioned for the detective not to.

"D, what the hell is that thing?" Leon demanded.

The animal lowered its head to lick some blood from D's cheek. The Count gave a pained chuckle and reached up to scratch lightly under its chin. It craned its neck so that it could bite through the ropes binding his wrists. Once it had accomplished that, D let his arms fall limp at his sides. He lay there for about a minute, before slowly, painfully sitting up and then getting to his feet.

"D, are you going to answer my question or not?" Leon demanded.

D placed one hand on the wolf-like being's head. "This is the bone-crushing dog. A rather crude name, but nonetheless accurate. He was common long ago in the days before humans. I do believe that we've been sent back in time. I suggest that you save your bullets for emergencies only, because we will be unable to obtain more unless they find some way to bring us back."

Leon nodded, a very serious expression on his face. The bone-crushing dog barked a few times, then walked around D and began to nudge him gently in the back with its snout.

D smiled. "I do believe that he's trying to lead us somewhere," he said softly to Leon, obediently allowing the creature to guide him along. Leon followed warily, one hand on his gun at all times, just in case.

The dog led them to a small cave opening, well hidden by ivy. Peering inside, D found that the cavern inside was quite roomy, albeit unfurnished. "Detective, I do believe that we have a shelter," he announced

That night, D was busy furnishing a spear for Leon to hunt with using a long stick, a rock that he had sharpened by chipping it against the cave wall during the day, and the tendons of a giraffe camel that the bone-crushing dog had brought them.

Within a week, they had some primitive tools that D had fashioned out of stone and wood, including a skinning and hunting knife, a considerable amount of firewood and smoked meat, twine that D had made out of long grasses, two thick furs that they used as a bed and blanket, and a small collection of thinner furs for D to sew into clothes. At first Leon had been a bit disturbed by the idea of sleeping next to another male, but finally decided to out of necessity.

D awoke one morning to find that Leon had pulled him into his arms during his sleep, and was holding him very closely. The kami smirked to himself. Already Leon's primitive instincts for protecting those in his 'pack' that he viewed as weaker than himself were becoming more pronounced. The fact that D was the closest thing that the taller man had to a female of the same species now seemed to be speeding the process along. D suspected that over the next few weeks, Leon would gradually begin to grow more possessive and start to view D more as a mate that needed protection than a companion that needed company. Not that D minded. This felt nice.

Leon began to stir. He squeezed D a little tighter and blearily opened his eyes. Surprisingly, he did not panic at the fact that D was in his arms.

"Hey there..." he mumbled softly, burying his face in the crook of D's neck. "Is it morning already?"

D nodded ever so slightly. "Yes... and it's time to get up. I'm hungry..."

Leon made a small noise of agreement. "I'll go get some food. You stay here and work on those clothes, alright?"

D sighed in resignation as Leon got up and pulled on his shirt, then left the cave. Leon hardly ever let him go outside because of his injuries (the scientist had injected D with something that hindered his accelerated healing), insisting upon doing all of the hunting and gathering himself, while D did all the 'housework.' He supposed that it was just as well. They could get more done that way. The Count crawled out of 'bed' and got dressed for the day, gingerly pulling on his shirt and tattered cheongsam.

He managed to get a pair of pants and a belt fashioned for Leon, and a robe for himself over the next few days. The weeks passed uneventfully, and eventually D's injuries healed.

Leon watched as D began to cook the meat that the detective had brought home for dinner. Heh. He was actually starting to think of this place as home...

He thought of the weeks that he had spent with D. They'd grown a lot closer. That probably had something to do with the fact that they couldn't survive without each other's skills. Well, D probably could, because he was just special that way, but it would be hard for him to have to gather all of the food and supplies he needed by himself. On the other hand, recalling the incident with the sabre-toothed tiger about a year back, D would probably not last long without Leon to protect him from his own lack of self-preservation instincts. The idea of D needing him, and depending on him for survival brought a smile to Leon's face for some reason.

When the meal was ready and they began to eat, Leon watched D carefully, noting a sort of weariness in his movements. After the meal was over and before he realized what he was doing, he pulled the kami into his arms and sat down on the sleeping furs with him sitting across his lap. D seemed a bit panicked at first, like a rabbit paralyzed by fright, but then began to relax, allowing Leon to hold him. He felt confined, but he also felt protected when he was in Leon's arms. It was much the same as when Leon confined him to the safety of the cave to protect him, only on a different scale. A much, much different scale.

D sighed in contentment and began to doze off. He'd allow Leon to take the role of alpha male. For now.

Leon held D close, gazing at those nigh-irresistible, slightly parted lips of his.

They were indeed nigh-irresistible. And after almost a year and a fourth, Leon's willpower had run out. Time to give in and hope that D wouldn't kill him afterward

D gave a small gasp when he found himself pinned to the sleeping furs and a warm mouth pressed firmly over his own. Leon took full advantage of this by deepening the kiss as much as he could without bruising the Count.

D squirmed a bit out of the instinctive impulse to get away from anything trying to trap him or pin him down, until Leon's firm weight settled on top of him, bringing back that feeling of being both safe and imprisoned at the same time. He did not relax, however. His instincts wouldn't let him.

Leon briefly broke the kiss for air a few times before he was done ravaging D's mouth, then slowly rolled off of the Count and held him close. D, slowly and warily, began to relax a bit, and searched his mind for an explanation of what caused this to take place.

Oh.

DUH!

Those new herbs that Leon had seen some animals eating and scavenged to season the meat… They must have been some sort of aphrodisiac! A strong one, judging by the way the detective was nuzzling his neck. D tried to wriggle out of Leon's grip, but the human only held him more tightly. D sighed and resigned himself to the fact that Leon was not going to let him go any time soon, and he might as well make the best of it. He snuggled closer to Leon, allowing himself to relax.

Big mistake.

Leon's nuzzles turned to nips and licks, and one hand moved to loosen the belt of D's robe.

"L-Leon..." D gasped. "St-st-stop..."

Leon pulled back, frowning. "Why?"

"I have reason to believe that you're under the influence of an aphrodisiac, Leon," D said calmly. "If we're going to have sex, then I want you to be in your right mind. I don't want you to hate me later for not stopping you."

"Hate you? How could I hate you? You mean the world to me, D. I love you." Leon flashed D a smile that could have been a cross between a grin and a leer. He continued to loosen D's belt with one hand while he massaged the underside of D's left leg with the other hand.

"Leon…" Despite knowing that Leon was under the influence of an aphrodisiac, D couldn't help but be moved by his proclamation of love. That, and the tingly feeling he was getting--a sensation completely foreign to D. If you don't believe me just ask him and he'll tell you. Of course, you'll have to travel back in time a bit, and we still have no idea how in the frilly heck you'll get back, but…. Anyway, despite all this, D still had misgivings. His thoughts were, This isn't right, though. If we have sex now, it'll mean more to me than it will to him, thought D. But…it just feels…so good…like paradise…

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted D, summoning what little strength he still possessed. With a violent shove, he flung Leon aside.

Leon watched D out of tear-filled eyes. He reached for the Count. "I--I need you. I treasure you more than anything in the world. D, my love--"

"Stop!" D held up a hand to silence Leon, a technique he had seen humans use and found quite effective. With an effort, D made his voice soft and tender. "Leon, if you really love me, you will help me find an antidote, and you will take the antidote. Only then will I agree to be made love to by you."

*TWO HOURS LATER*

"Mother-f--"

"Shh!" D clapped a hand over Leon's mouth to shut him up. "I tried to tell you, didn't I? You would have regretted making love to me, wouldn't you?"

"What the fuck did you do to me, you psycho?!" shouted Leon. D looked at him with wide eyes.

"Me? I didn't do anything. You ate the plants, not me!"

"You--you knew they were--you knew they would--It was your fault!" Leon was pointing at D and stamping his feet like a crazy man.

"I beg your pardon?! How could this possibly have been my fault?" said D, incredulous and bewildered. Inwildered? Becredulous? Becreduwildered? Aw, screw it. Let's get back to the story. Let's see…what happens next? Meh!!! Oh, yeah…

"You didn't try to stop me! I left to get food and you didn't say a damn thing! It's because you knew this would happen! Oh yes, don't even try to deny it," said Leon as D opened his mouth indignantly. "You've wanted this since…You've wanted this for a long time, you homo pervert!"

D's eyes flashed at the detective. "I am no pervert. You're the one who was holding me last night!"

"Oh, don't even go there, Count."

"No? Why not?" D folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Because, well, I…uh…" Leon frowned slightly.

"Because you can't handle the truth. I did nothing to you. I woke up and your arm was around my waist. Now come, help me find some tea leaves."

CHAPTER TWO

Two weeks had passed, and Count D and Leon were getting used to life without other human[oid]s. Leon had almost stopped using the phrase "Fuck you," perhaps because D was usually pretty quick to take him up on the offer. D also taught Leon how to make tea…unfortunately, the only leaves that could even loosely be construed as tealeaves were those containing aphrodisiac.

These leaves were quite remarkable. They could be eaten or smoked (as Leon discovered), or made into tea (as the Count discovered). They could grow in any environment, and if that weren't amazing enough, they resisted all toxins--so technically they were safe to eat, drink, or smoke.

"These tulation leaves"--for that's their informal species name-- "are the descendents of obscure breeds of tulips and carnations that grew near a Spring of Amour about…let's say three thousand years ago. That love spring was its first and only source of water for a good two thousand years, and apparently the modern tulation still retains its ancestors' powers for inducing sexual desire."

"That's nice, Count, but could you try talking to me about something I actually give a shit about?" Leon was leaning against the wall of the cave, trying to roll a handful of crushed leaves into a cigarette holder.

"I should think you would care, Detective--"

"Stop calling me Detective! We're out in the middle of nowhere without a police station for miles around!"

D continued as though Leon hadn't interrupted him, but since this was Leon's first utterance in two days where he hadn't said a single curse word, D ceased calling him "Detective"--even though he still thought of him that way in his dreams.

"Leon, you've been eating and smoking these plants, and every time you do, you try to…ah, mate with the first creature that crosses your path. You've ceased to tell the difference between male and female animals. So far you've tried to sodomize five male saber-toothed tigers and a Minotaur, and two female wolves."

"What else can I expect? You're the closest thing to a female I--" Leon was surprised to find himself near tears. D walked over and put his hand to Leon's cheek, gently. "I think it's time now," whispered the Count, taking a handful of leaves off the ground and stuffing them in his mouth. Leon followed suit. Their mouths locked together as Leon pulled D into the cave and they removed their clothing….

*TWELVE HOURS LATER*

"That was," gasped Leon, "the most amazing…Wow, Count, I didn't think you…"

"Thank you," said the Count, graceful as ever. "You're quite remarkable yourself, my Leon. I didn't think you had that much stamina."

"Did you just say--" Leon's stomach muscles clenched. D put his cheek to Leon's shoulder and stroked his neck gently.

"Yes, I did," he said calmly.

"Are you saying I…belong to you?" D couldn't tell if Leon was angry or touched.

"Yes, my love. You belong to me. And what's more"--D turned his head to give Leon a small love bite-- "I belong to you."

"You…" Leon was speechless, a first.

"Yes, I belong to you. You should be honored. I have never allowed myself to feel this way about any human."

"I--I am. I'm very flattered." Leon was serious. "I didn't think I could ever feel this way about anyone who wasn't big-boobed, blonde, or female." Leon paused, remembering something. "You asked me to stay with you forever. I wasn't ready then. I ran away."

"I remember," said the Count, expressionless. (Not to be racist, but can Chinese people be ahn-noying or what? The expressionless thing drives me up the wall! Vroom, vroom, vroom!)

"I'm ready now. I'll stay by your side forever. Or at least until we get out of this fuh--" Leon stopped himself. "This jungle," he finished.

D looked starry-eyed at Leon.

"What?"

"You censored yourself!" D flung his arms around Leon.

"I--" For once, Leon Orcot was at a loss for words (*gasp!*). "I--I--I--I guess I did," said Leon. "Duh--don't ask me why, because I, uh, I…." Leon was too manly to say Because I love you, even though that was what he was really thinking. (Honestly, men sometimes can just be the biggest--Anyway…)

D understood. "Leon, you don't need to say anything," he said soothingly. "I'm right here, and I know. I don't need my Second Sight to figure it out. We are meant to be together, Leon. Come here, put your hand on my heart and I will put my hand on yours." For once the inquisitive dick didn't ask why.

I claim you as my lifemate.

I belong to you.

I offer my life for you.

I give to you my protection,

My allegiance,

My heart,

My soul, and

My body.

I take into my keeping the same that is yours.

Your life,

Happiness, and

Welfare will cherished and

Placed above my own for all time.

You are my lifemate,

Bound to me for all eternity and

Always in my care.

I will love you till the day I die.

Although the words were in a foreign language, somehow Leon was able to understand them, and the undertaking that they indicated.

"I will always love you," he whispered. He didn't care that they were stuck in the past, with no modern conveniences. Just being with D was enough. He wished they could stay like this until the end of time. A foolish dream indeed....

END "PREHISTORIC." PLEASE SEE OUR NEXT CALCULUS STORY--SOON TO BE WRITTEN.