The Ruins of Our Lives Chapter 11
The Ruins of Our Lives Chapter 11
A/N: This chapter takes place on the night of Randy's conversation with Lauren. All this one will contain is what takes place at the comedy club that night.
NOTE: This is your warning. Some of the material in this chapter contains:
Mild language
Politics (namely Republican bashing) (Hey, I'm not Republican, so frankly, I don't give a duck's bill what anyone thinks)
You have been warned. If you are offended by anything in this chapter, please don't flame me. Because, chances are, I'll just flame you back.
-Yours truly, Randy Taylor
Randy's POV
'So kid, are you ready to go out there?' asks the stage manager, Mo.
'Yeah, I guess. I'm nervous that I'll screw up or that I won't be funny or that I'll offend somebody or that-' I get cut off by Mo.
'You'll do fine. I'm sure Tim Allen was nervous the first time he did stand up, and look at him now!' Mo says.
Third Person POV
'Hi! So, how's everybody doing tonight?' Randy smiles as he comes on stage.
The audience greets him with mixed review.
"Mental note: Don't say that again" Randy thought to himself.
'So, it's 1998, which means of course next year we start the whole election process over again. Which means that we have to hear all of these Republicans with their Texas accents telling us that they won't raise taxes, or introduce new taxes, and telling us that they want to make ketchup a school vegetable. I mean, tomatoes are fruits to begin with, you know' says Randy, garnering huge laughter from the ketchup remark.
'You know how when you're in high school government classes the teachers practically bend over backwards to seem impartial, but the students always seem to figure out their political standings anyway? I mean, you sit around at lunch saying "oh, I think Turner is Republican because he said blah blah blah about Clinton" and "Smith must be Democrat because she's for this and against that and said yadda yadda yadda about Bush". I mean, the teachers try so hard, but everyone always figures it out anyways.' Randy says, once again causing the crowd to laugh.
'I just want to take this opportunity to let everyone know that I do have a manager, her name is Helen. So, if you don't like anything I say here tonight, then you can just go to Helen Waite' Randy remarks, managing to keep a straight face, which is much more than what can be said for the crowd. It took a few seconds for some people to understand it, but once people realized the pun, they started guffawing and laughing loudly.
'Anyways, why did the chicken cross the road?' Randy asks next.
His question was met with sighs and boos and shouts of "oh for crying out loud!" from the audience.
'To get away from all these damn "why did the chicken cross the road?" jokes' Randy says with a mock exasperated look on his face. The audience laughs, as they have been doing all night, at this parody of the famous joke.
'So one time a paper in a small town held a contest to see which of their readers could come up with the best pun. One man sent in ten different puns, sure that one of the ten would be a winner. Unfortunately for the man, no pun in ten did' Randy says. The audience laughs at this as well.
'Speaking of small towns, there was this farmer who had a really, really stubborn son. One time, he told his son "Son, I swear to God you are as stubborn as a mule". The boy just looked at his fathers and said "Dad, if I'm a mule, then that would mean that you're a jackass"' Randy says, continuing his routine quite nicely.
'Have you ever noticed how much you have to pay at a fancy restaurant? I mean, what is a fancy restaurant anyways? It's a place where your soup is cold, your salad is hot, your entrée still has most of its vital organs intact, your side dish is off the endangered species list, your dessert has been set on fire, and your wine is older than The Messiah. Just follow me now. If you want a fancy evening, then you'd better have taken out a second, third, and fourth mortgage on your house before you begin the evening. You get to the restaurant, you have to tip the man at the reservations desk, the waitress who seats you, the normal waitress who actually waits on you, and the chef. All in all, you're looking at about a hundred bucks there, because, after all, you don't want to be a frugal tipper. Then you wind up hitting a convenience store and buying sandwiches and chips so you can actually say you ate something, and chances are you have to tip the teenager who rings up the sandwiches and chips. Then you go to a hotel, and you tip the man at the front desk, even though he has done nothing to help you. Then you get on an elevator to go up to your room. Of course, you have to tip the elevator operator. And, remember, someone has to maintain the machines that run the elevator. So, you have to tip the operator of the operator of the elevator operator's elevator so the elevator operator can operate the elevator that he is the elevator operator of. Then, if that's not enough, if you go back to your hotel room and your wife gives you a blow job or has sex with you, you have to tip her!' Randy says, out of breath by the end. This bit causes the crowd to erupt with laughter, and they're giving him a standing ovation by the end of the routine.
'Well, I hope that everyone had a good time tonight. Unfortunately, I have to go now. But, I intend on being back here next Tuesday. See y'all then' Randy says, then walks off the stage.
"I'm so relieved that I wasn't booed off the stage. I'm glad everyone liked my jokes" Randy thinks to himself backstage.
'Hello' someone says to Randy after about 5 minutes.
'Hi" Randy says, sitting up in his chair from his slouched position.
'I saw the show tonight, and I just wanted to say I think you're pretty funny, and that you have a lot of potential to become a great comedian' the man says.
'Well thanks, I appreciate the compliment' Randy replies.
'Wait a second! You…this is going to sound real odd for me to say, but…you almost look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas' Randy says in shock.
'Actually, I am' replies the man.
'But, what would Jonathan Taylor Thomas want with me?" asks Randy.
A/N: Poor Randy, he doesn't know yet what Jonathan Taylor Thomas wants with him. And neither do you! I'm the only one who knows!
I want to take this opportunity to thank Baxxie for some advice you gave me a few chapters ago. I finally found a way to make it work!
Anyways, I hope this chapter wasn't too off the wall.
By the way, all the material in this chapter is mine; that I came up with on my own.
If you didn't get either of these punch lines:
Unfortunately for the man, no pun in ten did
and
So, if you don't like anything I say here tonight, then you can just go to Helen Waite
Then just say them out loud. Then they should make sense.
Please R&R, I want to know what people think of my jokes.
Thanks for reading.
-Yours truly, Randy Taylor.