Disclaimer: The Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

Understanding

IV.

As I sat weaving, Eithne would often sing or talk to me. My fingers had become swift with the shuttle and the soothing repetitive motions of weaving were like meditation to me. Our deepest 'conversations' took place in these times.

Why do you reject your connection to her?

I am unlike the Morrígan. I am not a seer, I am not a warrior and the only change in my shape has been to a lesser version of myself.

And yet many would say and have said that you are fierce. That you have fought courageously by their side in your own way. And you have long seen into the hearts and minds of others. You have used your skill for good.

The air grew chill around us as I drew in my breath and my back stiffened.

Not always for good.

What would you have had him do, child?

I would rather have died than have those others die because of me.

That would have benefitted no one. Their fates had drawn them to that place for a purpose.

I don't believe in fate. I believe in choice.

He made what he thought was the best possible choice, my child.

He used my gift, against my will, to commit murder. He forced me to do something despicable.

Perhaps. But what harm might have come to all of you had he not been willing to fight with you to keep you safe? They had sworn to protect you and he, too, was bound by that oath. Fighting so with one you love is no small battle.

He betrayed my trust in him. He threatened me, hurt me, broke my bones. Forced me to do things I had promised myself never to do.

He saved you, child. The physical pain he rendered you is small in comparison to what it cost him to cause it.


Given my telepathic gift, Eithne was relentless on the issue of scrying.

It is in your blood. If you do not learn to control it now, it will come upon you just as the Word did, when you are ill prepared. It could do you harm or mean harm for others.

I will not look into the water. I do not desire to see the future. I have enough to deal with in my present and immediate past. I have made a complete mess of my life and that of others. Do not ask this of me.

You are such a harsh mistress of yourself, my child. She sighed. But that, too, is in your blood.


On another day, returning to the subject of my bloodline connection,

You say you are not like her and yet you, too, have marked others for death and have killed by your own hand. You marked Andre and another did your work. You did not harm him yourself, though he planned harm to you. Lorena, Rasul, these two you marked out because of their actions against those you love. You were the agent of their death. You chose them.

I did not choose Lorena. She chose herself.

No. You chose yourself, your once lover, over her. Look back and see what you really felt for this woman. You despised her from the moment her actions were revealed to you. You even asked for her death at the hands of another. And as for Rasul, you cannot hide from the fact that you had marked him from the moment you truly saw him. You have looked into some souls and have seen evil there. You have chosen to blot that out, in a quick fashion, with mercy. Surely you do not regret these deaths or that of the were woman who tried to kill you?

I was silent.

Perhaps, then, you need to contemplate the difference between regretting your actions and regretting that such actions were necessary. It might give you better insight into your lover, as well.

That is an argument which one makes to rationalize the very worst in our nature.

You do not even see your nature clearly, my child. You are still afraid of it, rejecting it. And that is why it will tear you apart. You must make peace with yourself. You cannot stay here forever, hiding from yourself. I will not let you betray yourself in that way.


On July 1st, my 29th birthday, Niall and Claudine came to visit me.

I sat with them in the gardens of the cottage. Claudine sat next to me, holding my hand in hers.

"You find me much changed, Claudine," I said to her, reading her as easily as if she'd spoken the words.

"You seem more at peace, Sookie. But yes, you are changed, even in your appearance. You actually look more Fae or Elven. Tall and graceful. Not that you were not beautiful before, of course."

"Eithne says the water of the Boyne brings out one's nature. But I am not much Fae or Elven, though." I smiled softly. I looked into her eyes. "You see the sadness in me and it pains you. I am okay, Claudine. As best as I could be expected to be. There's no easy remedy for what ails, me, unfortunately."

She bowed her head. I put my other hand on top of hers and turned to Niall.

"What news of the world, grandfather? How is my cousin Victor faring?

"He sends you his fond affection. Victor has overthrown the King of Mississippi and is consolidating his position. He has broken with Felipe de Castro and placed himself at great risk because of his ambitions."

I chuckled inwardly, with a rueful smile. "Perhaps he will have finally learned to be careful what he wishes for." After a moment's reflection on that thought, I moved on.

Niall hesitated but then spoke the question in his mind, "You do not ask about Eric?"

I sighed with a shudder. What could I ask about Eric, I thought? He still lived, clearly, because I did. What more was there to know that Niall could relate about the man I loved but felt I couldn't quite forgive for being what he was, for doing what he'd done.

I withdrew my hand from Claudine's, rose and turned to look out over the green hills of County Meath.

"What do you want to tell me about Eric, grandfather?"

"I would have done nothing different from what he did that night, Sookie."

"Perhaps you'd be just as wrong, then."

"They were all sworn to defend you and had he not made those choices they all might have died doing so and still not saved you. He made a difficult and horrible choice, but it was the only choice to achieve what was needed. You needed to be protected from being exploited, from being killed outright by some who might fear you when you were still so ill prepared to defend yourself." He hesitated to speak again and I turned to look at him. "He has suffered greatly from his loss of you, Sookie. You do not even let him feel you?"

"I have not been well enough to want anyone other than Eithne to sense me, grandfather. I have little memory of my first month here. I did not even speak for two months. I am barely recovered and will have to come to stay every year for some time to come. In any case, he would not have liked what I felt."

"He had a vision of you looking at him on your anniversary. It caused him to hope, but he has seen and heard nothing from you since then."

I bent to pull up a weed, then stood tall.

"I was at the Lia Fáil that day. I saw his eyes. I didn't know that it could cause him to see me, as well. It wasn't my intention and I'm sorry if it has caused him pain."

Niall looked at me, shaking his head. "It caused him joy, Sookie. It is his only hope that you will return to him. He has told me that."

"He will find me changed, grandfather. I am not the same person I was. I can't be." I paused and spoke the hard truth. "I don't know if we can still be together."

He looked shocked. "Surely, you will not renounce him?" he said drawing in his breath sharply.

"No. No, I would never renounce him… I just mean I do not know that I can be with him."

Niall looked away from me.

"Eithne says that you resist using the magic that you possess."

"I don't trust myself. There is a violence in me which I reject. I don't know if I can control it. I wish that I was of Brigit's line like Eithne. I wish… I wish things were very different from what they are."

But they are not different, child, I heard Eithne's voice say. What is, is.

I sighed. Accepting my nature was never going to be easy. I turned back to them.

"I will be back at the end of the month. I have to appear early next month at the summit with the Pythoness. She has work for me." I turned to Claudine. "May I stay with you and Claude when I come home?"

Claudine looked at me sadly and nodded.

After they departed, Eithne and I walked on the moor at dusk. In the moonlight, the ice blue tracings on Eithne's hands and forearms shone, as did Brigid's symbol of fire on her forehead. She turned to me, questioning.

"You still will not show yourself?"

I sighed heavily and then caught on to some internal flame. The marks flared out on my skin and I felt the crescent on my brow.

You will need these my child. These symbols of your power and wisdom may anchor the respect of others. You will have to accept that there are instances in which they will not be enough. You must honor those who are sworn to you by not placing them into the position of defending you, when you are now more than capable of defending yourself.

I nodded, then bowed my head to her.