Disclaimer: The Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.
Understanding
VII.
I tried to stay out of his head as he heard my request and in the half hour leading to his arrival at my door. At the very least, I thought, I should leave him alone. I, meanwhile, was on tenterhooks.
Only moments before he was due to arrive, one of the handmaidens knocked on the inner door connecting my room to Pythia's suite and presented me with a small ceremonial type dagger with a razor sharp blade.
I chuckled. What vampire can turn down blood? Especially interesting or exotic blood. I motioned for her to come in and went to retrieve a glass. After checking to see that it was clean and not dusty, I nicked a vein in my left forearm an inch above the fine trace of a scar that remained from my marriage ceremony. I stood, holding the glass under the cut and let the blood drain into the glass with my arm lower than my heart level. I wasn't sure how much she would need, given her age. Her handmaiden seemed to sense my dilemma and peeked at the glass and said,
"Oh, that's probably fine."
"If we ever do this again, I think a syringe would work better. This way, some clings to the glass."
"I'll tell her your suggestion."
Just as she headed back to the suite, there was a knock at my door.
"Come" I said while trying to figure out what to do with my wrist. The demon guard opened the door and I nodded to him.
My heart lit up when Eric entered the room. He was wearing a black suit, with his usual dark red silk shirt. While I discreetly applied pressure to my wrist I gestured with my chin that he could sit on the small couch.
"Thank you for coming," I said, trying to be polite.
He did not reply as he sat. I could feel immense turmoil coming off of him. He seemed to be assessing every inch of me, hungrily. He looked at me with such intensity, I felt as if his eyes could just suck me inside him.
I drew closer to really look at him. He looked positively ashen. Every bit as bad as Pythia had implied. He still wore the ring. He looked, under a thin veneer of 'I can do this', positively miserable.
"Are you… alright, Eric? You're so ashen. If you prefer to talk later, I understand." I didn't know what to say exactly. Go get juiced up and then we'll talk?
"Ten months of synthetic blood does not do a body good."
I didn't know what to say to that, either. I had a very hard time envisioning Eric drinking only synthetic for more than about 48 hours. Had he really been on synthetic blood the entire time I was gone? It was astonishing to me. But I supposed that getting what I wanted to discuss out of the way might be part of a solution for him.
"I am back for a few weeks before I return to Ireland. I am still not completely well. But I suppose more to the point is that I realize…" I stopped. This was so much harder than I'd imagined it in my mind. I tried to stop working my hands fretfully.
Eric's face tipped up to me, as if he was waiting to see what I'd say. I looked into his eyes… stay on topic, I said to myself. Focus.
"I realize that I am changed from when we made our bond. I would understand if you wanted to diminish the bond so that you could be… happier."
He was now looking as if he was trying to figure out my strategy and the reason why I was asking him this. The same Eric, even if he looked unwell. What was the real strategy here, what does she want?
"I mean it as a genuine offer Eric. It is not a strategy."
"Who's the fairy?"
"I beg your pardon?" I asked, unprepared for and confused by the question. In my imagined version of this scene there had been no non sequiturs.
"I have heard that you are now with someone else. Who is he?" He looked as if he was struggling to contain himself. His face was filled with tension and the feelings I could see in him as he asked the question were a dark maelstrom.
Where on earth could he have gotten such an idea? Had Sam and Octavia thought that Ciarán was my lover? I was just stunned. I had thought they were bowled over because he was tall and good-looking, pretty much like your typical fairy, though he was unusually tall. He was guarding me as a favor to Claudine. I'd even told them so. I would never thought to probe their thoughts about why they thought he was with me. I thought they'd take my word at face value. And they'd told Eric this? I was mortified.
In spite of my wonderful bloodline and excellent training, I blushed.
"Eric, Ciarán is basically Claude's boyfriend. I don't know who told you I am with someone else but it's not true. I've been celibate. As I said, this isn't a strategy or a ploy. I want you to be happy."
Relief flooded into Eric's face. Even his color improved, though not by much. He seemed to gain a feeling of great strength from the revelation that there was nothing to the idea I was with someone else. One less hurdle, he seemed to be thinking, though his thoughts were remote.
"You propose eliminating the blood bond we made not once but twice, as part of our marriage, and with all of the exchanges that we have had, to make me happy?"
"I'm asking if it would make you happier, yes."
"Even if it would, how could you possibly diminish our bond? You'd be hard pressed to find a stronger bond than ours, Sookie." My heart fluttered to hear him speak my name.
I sighed. This was the part I didn't like. "I could become bonded to Pythia. She's 2,362 years old. I think that her blood would supersede yours in a bond, even with all the exchanges."
He looked totally caught off guard by this idea. "Do you want to be bound to her?"
I looked down, not able to meet his eyes for a moment. I did not want to be, but I was willing to do it if it was necessary. If it was bad enough to think of really and finally losing my connection to Eric, the thought of her blood and its possible side effects really scared me. Looking at what trouble I'd gotten into with Eric's blood, which Eithne considered to have been the real trigger to my powers, I shuddered to imagine what Pythia's might do. I'd already thought out the plan so that I'd have to do it right before returning to Eithne in order to have a safe place to deal with it. But if that's what I had to do, I'd do it for him. He should be able to move on with his life.
"I'm not talking about what I want. I'm asking what you want. I know you have been very unhappy. I don't want you to be unhappy."
"If you want to dump me, why can't you just tell me straight out?" Eric said, with an edge to his voice. He looked at me in an unsuccessful attempt to be cold. He looked more fearful than cold.
"I'm not trying to dump you. I'm telling you that I realize I am not the person you married, the person you bound yourself to. I'm offering you an easy out. A way to move on."
He stood up abruptly. "If you want to make me happy, come home. Make me grovel and ask your forgiveness. Make me feel bad for having hurt you in order to keep you safe. For forcing you to do something you had always fought to avoid doing. That would make me happy. But don't ask me if I want to get rid of the only thing I have left of you."
He moved toward the door. Then he wheeled around and looked at me intensely.
"Whether you let me feel you or not, I know you still love me, Sookie. I don't need a blood bond to know it. I know you do. You're wasting valuable time. We don't have hundreds of years to work it out, unless more has changed than just what I can see."
At just that moment there was a knock on the door. It was Pam. I could feel her presence outside.
I walked toward the door and put my hand on Eric's arm as I tried to move past him to open the door. He looked down at me and then suddenly pulled me to him and kissed me full on the mouth. I swayed on my feet and pushed him away.
"That's Pam outside."
"Am I dismissed?" he said coolly.
"No, if you want to stay, you can stay. I just meant…" Oh never mind, I thought. He knows what I meant.
I opened the door, nodding to the guard.
Pam broke into a smile and hugged me. Then she took in the fact that Eric was in the room and seemed to hesitate.
"I can come back if it's bad timing. This was just the first I could get away."
"No, it's fine Pam, don't be silly." I took her hand and led her into the room. I avoided looking at Eric.
Pam seemed to get the idea she was really intruding. Eric's standing there glaring at her with his arms crossed seemed to be the source of that impression. I ignored him.
We sat on the couch and I fingered the sleeve of her blouse, which was a soft peach linen.
"This is really beautiful. It puts me in mind of your letter, which I so enjoyed reading. About you and Fi shopping. I read it several times. I apologize for not writing back to you."
"You were in Ireland, right? Where?"
I had to be oblique about that. Eithne's cottage and property were a sheltered place.
"In County Meath." A pretty big place…
"Were you at Tara?"
I hesitated. "No, I wasn't in Tara. I really can't be specific. But I was in Meath."
She looked at me as if puzzled that I wouldn't tell her more. I felt sad that there was a gulf between us in a way. We used to share so many things but now there were things I could share with no one other than Eithne.
"Are you better now? You look so beautiful and luminous, Sookie. Like you, but almost like you glow. But are you really better?"
I hesitated. Better was relative.
"I am better than I was when I left, yes."
"Claudine only told us about how bad it was after you had gone. I went to see her in Monroe. She told me that you were very… ill. She seemed almost in despair over you. She said she couldn't help you this time. We were all very afraid for you. Is the person you went to also a fairy?"
"Pam, it's a bit awkward to discuss. I can't give you a lot of information. But no, she's not a full blooded fairy. She is like me but has more fae blood and more Tuatha Dé blood but from a different line in the tribe."
"And she helped you recover?"
"Yes," I nodded, "She has helped me immensely. I return to her in three weeks."
Pam looked surprised and disappointed. "You're not coming home?" she whispered sadly, eyes darting toward Eric.
"I… I am not fully recovered, Pam. I am more at ease staying with her. The magic comes at a heavy price for me. All of it came at a heavy price. I came here at the request of the Pythoness. I don't know how long it will be before I can return to my life here." I thought to myself that I wondered if I could return.
She touched my wrist gently. "You are so thin… Amelia told me that Octavia said you had actually grown taller, that you were very changed. It looks to me as if you just stretched."
I smiled. "That's a good way of looking at it, I suppose. I have indeed stretched myself. They say it is the water of the Boyne river that brings out the characteristics of your bloodline. But enough about me, I didn't ask you to visit to talk about me. How have you been?"
I looked at her tenderly. She still looked like Alice in Wonderland as a vampire, of course but now, with my new eyes, I could see the dark clouds behind her eyes. The pain of Memphis still lingered in her deeply, a year later.
"I'm fine," she replied briskly.
I looked at her kindly. "You are still so troubled Pam. You still don't rest easily. The memories still plague you," I said quietly.
Her eyes, guarded, met mine. "I always told you I don't like you in my mind, Sookie."
"I'm not reading your mind, Pam. Consider it reading your heart, or just all of you. Your energy. You are still so damaged by it, my dear friend."
She looked away. "I'm fine," she repeated firmly.
I picked up her left hand. "Trust me, Pam. Let me help you? If I can?" I placed her hand over my heart and touched my left hand to her cheek, bowing my head slightly with closed eyes, I whispered healing words I had learned over many months in Eithne's care, spoken again and again to me. Pam let out a little gasp, as she looked at the ice blue markings revealing themselves on my hands and arms. I felt her look up at my face where the upturned crescent would be illuminated on my forehead. I envisioned her free of the pain of her memories, I drew them out of her and, with a whisper of a breath, blew them away from her.
When I opened my eyes and looked up, I saw tears running down her face. I hugged her, holding her head on my shoulder, rocking softly, whispering to her. Eric watched us, no longer looking angry and tense. He looked at me with something that approached reverence.
Pam stirred. She pulled back and looked at me, but did not speak.
I smiled distantly. "It was worth the price of admission, as they say, to be able to help you." I reflected on the fact that I felt better about healing work than anything that had happened in the past year. It was the only thing that I felt happy about in my new skill set.
But it's not the most important in the role you will fulfill.
I groaned internally. Pythia, you are so intrusive at times. I can really see why you and Niall are like oil and water.
You have resolved nothing with the Viking. You run from him but he will pursue you. You have underestimated both him, and yourself.
I'm not having this conversation with you, and I'm certainly not having it now. This is Eithne's work with me, not yours.
She is too easy on you. She is too soft hearted. She thinks you fragile, but I do not. That is all an illusion. But no matter. You need to clear your mind to be ready to work. To enforce my edicts. To make my law.
I snapped out of the conversation to see that Eric and Pam were both looking at me, almost expectantly.
"I'm sorry. I was distracted for a moment."
"What did you do to your wrist?" Pam asked looking askance at the cut.
"It's nothing." I rose and went to the dresser, opening a drawer and withdrew a cuff bracelet which I put over the cut.
Eric came up behind me and slid the bracelet off my arm and looked at the cut, which was obviously over a vein. He held my wrist with his other hand and traced the fine scar that I'd left on my wrist from our second bond with his thumb. His touch made me shiver.
"You gave blood to someone. Why? And why did they not heal you?"
"It is none of your business. It doesn't matter." I turned and retrieved the bracelet from him then placed it back on my arm. "I'm afraid I must go next door. I have to prepare."
"I could heal it for you," Eric said looking down at me, almost eagerly. He still held my wrist in his left hand.
"That won't be necessary," I said brusquely, withdrawing my arm from his hand.
Pam looked at us and shook her head. She wondered why, if I could do all this healing, I did not heal the wound between Eric and me. If only I knew how, I thought. If only I knew how…
I left the room abruptly and went next door.