Your eyes stay open during the kiss but you don't move away until he starts to tug at your shirt, wanting it off. Then, you pull away. He unhooks himself from you, but keeps his eyes closed for a few seconds, perhaps memorizing what had just happened. Now that he has let you go, you don't immediately move as far away as possible. You disliked how he clung to you, so desperate, so un-Jiroh like. But now that he's let you go, you wish he would've hung on a little longer. There's a distance now, between you. You suspect it was always there in some form, but now there are set lines. And he chose to cross them. He chose to make the void known. And you let it happen.
His eyes open and they're shining with unshed tears. You tense, waiting for the tears which don't come.
"I'm not going to apologize," he begins. He takes a deep breath, his entire frame shaking. "I'm not sorry."
"Okay," is all you can say. You don't want to hurt him. You have a reputation for being ruthless, for crushing those you deem unworthy. But you care about Jiroh and you'll do anything to spare him a moment of pain.
"Will you tell him?" he asks, his voice low but no longer shaking.
You have to think for a moment. "If he asks, I will not deny it." In other words, you will keep your silence if Jiroh doesn't want anyone to know. You are giving him the choice of forgetting the kiss ever happened.
Jiroh ponders your answer before jerkily giving a short nod. "Okay. Tell him, then. I don't want there to be anymore secrets between the two of you."
He shrugs and the silence is not a familiar comfortable one. You hate it.
"You've been chasing after me for a while, haven't you?" You don't ask to be mean; Jiroh doesn't deserve that. You are just curious and nothing can cure you of it.
Jiroh starts to shake his head no but then stops. He cracks a weary smile. "Yeah. But at the same time, no. It's been years. I don't know how long I liked you." He's lying, you can tell. He can probably tell you the day he started to like you, but you say nothing. You don't call him on it; he doesn't deserve that either.
The air between you is too heavy.
"So did I live up to your fantasies?" you joke, only half serious. You wince and can tell instantly that it's the wrong thing to say. Jiroh seems to collapse in on himself, though he stays stock still. He's still shaking, you realize guilty.
"No," he says. There is pain in his voice. He's trying to suppress it but to you, who knows the tone so well, it clangs like a bell and cuts through every illusion he's created, every pretense that he's fine. "No, because in my dreams you loved me." His shoulders slump and he looks so dejected you can't help yourself. You gather him in your arms and he rests his head against your chest.
"Jiroh, I do love you…" You manage to kiss his forehead this time. Best friends falling for each other. It's so cliché but you never knew clichés could hurt so badly or scar permanently. "Jiroh…" you can't say anything else but his name. But maybe that's all it takes because he seems to shake himself. You don't know how to make this right. Don't know if you can.
"Don't say anything, Atobe. You've done enough." He frees himself as your last name slips from his lips, almost like an accident but it makes you freeze.
"Wha-No…Jiroh…Call me Keigo," you demand, forgetting that you are no longer at Hyoutei and have no real power over him. You reach for him, grab his wrist, utterly desperate. He's never ever called you by your last name. From day one it was always Keigo or Tobe, or when he was serious, Buchou. Never Atobe.
Jiroh wrenches himself away, not sobbing inconsolably but looking at you with distain. That burns, too.
"Oh, so now you care." He crosses his arms, petulant.
"Jiroh, I'll always care about you." You mean every word of it.
"Yuushi isn't the only romantic out of us regulars. I also believe in love and soul mates. I guess you found yours in Yuushi."
"You'll meet someone better than me," you assure him. You're not trying to be condescending.
"Oh, I know. I'm actually going out with Marui Bunta right now."
"What? That's great!" You might seem a little overzealous but you are pleased. "I know how long you've liked him."
"Thanks," he says carelessly, like it doesn't matter. His insincerity disheartens you.
"But then why.." you trail off. You don't understand. You want to so badly, but it's beyond your comprehension. You're supposedly the epitome of poise and social grace. However, there's no handbook that teaches how to break your best friend's heart.
Jiroh smiles a little sadly at your confusion. "It's just, I wanted to see what it felt like. That's all."
He says it with feigned disinterest. He's not fooling anyone.
"Just…be happy, Keigo. Can you do that for me?"
You think you can, for Jiroh.
He makes to leave when you're spurred to say something, anything, to keep him with you a little longer. You want things to work out. You don't want to lose your best friend.
"Jiroh, why did you love me?"
Instantly the look of hurt and sorrow is back in his face and you want to kick yourself.
His tone is quiet, angry, sad. None of those things are Jiroh and it pains you. "No, Keigo. You don't get to ask me that."
You understand and are about to tell him it's fine when his cell phone rings and he answers it.
"Hey. Yeah, I can come over." He rolls his eyes but you can tell he's not annoyed.
"That him?" you ask, trying to make things normal.
"Uh-huh. Guess I better go."
But he doesn't move for another five minutes. You walk him to the door in your pajamas.
"Keigo." His back is turned and you can't see what expression he has on. "I'm not sorry for what I did. But you shouldn't worry; it won't happen again." He sounds dangerously close to tears and you're about to wheel him around when he exits.
You walk back to your room, about to lie on the bed when you stop. Instead, you open the blinds and tell a maid to get a bath ready. You have to do it, have to talk to Yuushi, in person. It's what Jiroh would want you to do.
You remember how much Jiroh used to like Marui Bunta. You think it's incredible that Jiroh finally got with his idol. Back at Hyoutei you had contemplated playing match maker, but even with your Insight, you didn't see the flaw in the plan. Didn't see that Jiroh distracted himself all those years in school because he couldn't have you. Didn't see how Jiroh's eyes only lit up when you were around. But some part of you must've, which is why you let him kiss you. You'll tell Yuushi that Jiroh kissed you, but nothing else. You owe Jiroh that much, and so much more.