Despite your resolve to see Yuushi, you don't get around to leaving your house until dark. It's too late to visit; too late to be socially acceptable. Your good manners have been ingrained and you know that you can't see him. You argue with yourself for the millionth time. Maybe he doesn't want to see you. Maybe it's really over. Maybe he doesn't love you. You stomp on these thoughts, ordering them to run laps and pick up balls before ordering yourself to get a grip. Ironically, it's these very doubts that cement your decision and hasten your departure. You are not going to give up. Not because of social politeness. Not on someone who means so much to you. Not someone you love.
Yuushi bothers to look surprised at your showing up at his house for about three seconds.
"What are you doing here?" he asks, seemingly bored. He's just gotten out of the shower; his hair is wet and smells good. Like strawberries, you think hazily. Like Jiroh. You push that thought away hastily. It's late but he's in a business suit that fits him in all the right places. It's the weekend which calls for sophisticated yet causal. So what's with the suit, you wonder. His attire, while it doesn't rival yours, is almost impeccable except that one thing. He doesn't look like the Yuushi you know. Your Yuushi would never be caught dead in a suit on the weekend. Your eyes zoom in on his collar, which is sticking up, and you itch to fold it down.
You steer your mind back to the question, which you ignore. Why answer something you both know? He' stalling and it irks you. You're both too old to be playing games. "Can I come in?" you ask instead. "Or were you going out?" You stare at the suit pointedly.
He shakes his head and your heart stops beating for a moment. Then he says, "No, I just got home."
You take that as a yes and begin to walk inside. You pause, considering the sleeping people in his house. "Actually, can we go for a walk?" You hate how your hands won't stop trembling. What is wrong with you? You've gone on walks with him a million times before.
"Whatever." He nods and goes to get his jacket. You stop yourself from helping him, knowing he hates to be asked. You wonder if he acknowledges the amount of useless, petty things you know. Wonder if he even cares. It hurts too much to think about so you don't. Instead, you bite your lip as he leads the way. "Where you do want to go?" he tosses back over his shoulder.
"Some place where we can talk," you tell him. You wince; you sound mysterious and he hates pretenses. Whatever, you can't mold your life to his needs. You're still trying to figure out what he wants from you, let alone what he needs.
He takes you to the neighborhood playground. There are no little kids around; it's too late for that. You look at your wrist watch and see it's nearly eleven. He's only standing a foot from you but you wish he was closer.
"Where were you tonight?" you probe, not meaning to sound accusatory but doing so anyway.
"Not that it's any of your business but I was on a date." His lips quirk in a mocking smile. Your stomach plummets. "My dad's trying to set me up with this girl."
At once you wish you were at a tennis court instead. Using a racket and a ball you'd take out you anger and horror on invisible opponents. You'd serve the ball again and again. Keep serving until you were unable to move. Because never has it occurred to you that you might not get your way. You've always gotten what you wanted. That Yuushi might not be yours but someone else's was never an option you'd considered. It still isn't. Unless.
"Do you like her?"
You can't look at him. The weight of Yuushi's stare is incredible and it actually weighs you down.
"She didn't like me very much. Said I was stupid." Yuushi is smiling and you wish you didn't want to know why. You don't think you'll be able to bear it if turns out he's head over heels in love with her.
"Sounds like a charmer." When he says nothing, you continue, "Yuushi, you can't like her. You told me you only went out with smart people."
"Oh, but she is smart." Yuushi has the strangest look on his face, halfway between serious and a smile.
"Yuushi, she thinks you're stupid. She can't be that bright." Your logic seems spotless.
"She is. " He looks at you again, that same stare that pins you to the spot. "She said I was stupid for going on a date," he paused, taking a deep breath, "when I was so obviously in love with someone else."
Your response to that, you'll bet, is nothing like how he imagined. He probably thought you'd throw your arms around him and passionately kiss him. And you want to. Badly. But you have to say something first.
"Jiroh and I kissed," you blurt out.
He blinks but doesn't say anything. He does a half turn so you can see his profile. He's tense; his back is stick-straight. He's not ready to speak and you don't know what will happen when he is.
"What am I to you?" he asks suddenly.
"Huh? You know I love you." It sounds trite and old even to you. "Well…" you start again but stop. Yuushi is not stupid; he knows you love him. At least, he should. He wants you to say something else. But you don't know what he wants to hear. It should be easy, you think. What does he want to hear?
"And?" is the terse response.
"It didn't mean anything," you say hurriedly, reading off the impromptu speech. It's not what he wants to hear, but it's better than silence. "Jiroh understands I only like him as a friend." You don't know what else to say.
You walk up to him, wary that he might be upset. You pray you didn't say the wrong thing.
"God, Keigo. That's not what I meant. This is so fucked up." You've never heard him curse before. He's angry, but not at you. The sudden relief fades as a new fear arises.
"What is?" you ask, scared he might be talking about the two of you.
"These games!" Yuushi explodes. He rounds on you, throwing his hands up, a mock gesture of defeat. You know that it's only the beginning of another battle. And you're right. His face is grave as he gives you the ultimatum, "Keigo, the games have got to stop. Or we're over."
"That's funny. I wasn't aware I was playing a game. I thought this was serious." You're close to crying, you can feel it in the pressure behind your eyelids.
He softens ever so slightly, his back relaxing from its ruler straight position. He runs a hand through his hair, a move he no doubt picked up from you. "We've been playing this game for so long, I just don't know. I know we're both different people. I know it didn't work out in the past. But even after all this time, I can't help wanting us to work out."
He holds out his hand and you know what to do. You take it. You don't say anything; there's nothing more to say. Instead, you examine him, noticing the angular planes of his face; the arch of his lips, the dip of his eyebrows.
"Your face is oddly symmetrical. It's beautiful," you comment without thinking.
Yuushi looks at you like you've grown a second head or maybe lost the one you have. Then he's laughing, jovial and incredulous. You flush at your own stupidity. Yuushi has always had the uncanny ability to make you drop your guard. You scowl, resentful. But then you rerun that thought and see how paranoid you've has become. This is Yuushi for heaven's sake. Your Yuushi. There's no need to pretend. He's seen you at your worst and at your best.
He takes your face in his hands, cradling it. You've missed his touch, missed him. His hair falls forward and you smell strawberries. "Keigo," he breathes your name onto your face. "You look like you've just had an epiphany. Care to enlighten me?"
"Ore-sama has grown up," you tell him. You feel giddy, like you've become new person. Maybe you have.
He smiles and you search for a trace of sarcasm.
"Oh, no. I believe you." You always think you've gotten used to him reading your mind until he does it.
"Good."
"It is," Yuushi concedes, ever the gentleman. "I've been lonely waiting for you."
You're waiting for him to kiss you. And he knows it.
"Sorry," you say. You take his hands that are holding your chin in your own, bringing them down to waist level. You figure he's been waiting long enough and, by standing on the balls of your feet, breach the gap between the two of you with a tantalizingly sweet kiss.