Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year
Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.
A/N: I want to start off by thanking everyone who has reviewed and or faved this story. I appreciate your support and I hope you spread the word to your friends about these funny Hellsing Christmas tales. This is about that magical traditions (and the consequences that ensue ) when participating in the holiday Christmas Pageants! This is part two of what happened. Oh and two special guests from Millenium are going to make a apparence!
Warning: Violence, inappropriate behavior , and basically everything that comes out of Jan Valentine's mouth. You have been warned!
The rehearsals went off without a hitch, but however, there was one little problem that "crashed" its way in quite unexpectantly four days before opening night (Christmas Eve) they appeared out of nowhere! Literally! And in the dressing room no less!
"Who do you bloody think you are bothering us like this!" demanded Integra drawing out her weapon at Luke and Jan Valentine,"you have no buisness to be here!"
"Shall I dispose of them like the mangy dogs they are?" her servant asked with childlike glee.
Luke stepped forward, he was the debenoire of the two, mostly the diplomatic one while Jan well...you might say was the muscle of the operation. Although they were surrounded by the agents of Iscariot and Hellsing either one of them broke a sweat.
"I apoligize for bothering you so Sir Integra Hellsing," Luke said with a bow,"but you see, my brother and I are thespians of the arts. And what even better to watch it then to be a part of it."
"But you are vampires!" spoke Hienkel,"why would YOU want to be in on our Christmas Paegent?"
"Dude, check it out that they have a cross-dressing bitch in their ranks!" shouted Jan laughing.
If it wasn't for Yumiko and Walter, Hienkel would have made mince meat out of Jan right then and there.
Luke elegantly took Jan's hat and stuffed it into his mouth.
"I onced acted in the Royal Sheaksperean Theater long ago," he went on over Jan's muffling,"and so the acting has never quite left me, much of the soldiers in The Major's army are-shall we say-too unrefined to appreciate such talent. But here, I think we can work something out, besides, we only ask for a mere part in your play in one act each in exchange for being on the stage again."
"Well," thought Maxwell,"since you put it that way..."
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Christmas Eve, opening night, Act One
The curtain opened and Integra is laying in what appeared to be a crude bedroom as far as props could go, she pretends to sleep and suddenly the light flashes on brightly on the stage.
"Ow," mumbled Integra,"Alucard, tell Pip to turn the lights down its getting in my eyes."
Will do Master.....Pip.......come here
A minute of something being smacked later and the lights got softer.
"Who is there?" said Integra acting like she was afraid,"who are you?"
Luke appeared with fake wings strapped to his back and a makeshift robe, he flourishly entered from the left of the stage speaking dramatically his part: "Fear not, I am Gabriel the messanger and I come bearing-" BANG "-WHAT THE-!" Before he could continue his ear got shot off by Intgera's gun which she had hid under her dress.
"Oops sorry," she said faking sincerity,"force of habit you know-"
"Anyway, I am the angel of-OWWW OWWW OWW! WATCH IT!"
BANG BANG BANG (one bullet blew his right wing off)
"Sorry my finger slipped."
BANG BANG BANG BANG
"Owww oww owww!"
"Ooops, must of gone off by itself....sorry..."
"GodisgoingtomakeyouthemotherofJesusBYE!" He quickly yelled as he ran off trying to avoid a few more bullets that had "accidently" gone off from Integra's gun. The curtain closed and opened up to Anderson sitting on a throne wearing regal clothing.
"There shall be no other kings but me!" He said sounding like a fine scottish king in such a beautiful voice, that it made all the girl orphans swoon,"I Herod decree that...all first born sons of jews shall be brought to me and die!"
Some of the kids were orphans from Ferdindant Luke and jumped up in thier seat waving at their favorite priest and trying to get his attention.
"HI FATHER ANDERSON!"
"HI FATHER ANDERSON! LOOK OVER HERE!"
"ANDERSON! ANDERSON! ANDERSON! I AM OVER HERE!"
"Hi kids," he cried out to them in his Herod costume,"I LOVE YOU ALL! I SEE YOU! YES I SEE YOU TOO!"
"YAAAAAYYYY!" They cried.
A stern clearing of the throat from The Pope set everything in order finally to continue.
Anderson then points to the left stage,"Wise Men come forward!"
Walter, Yumiko, and Hienkel come out in shiny robes, turbans, and fake beards. Hienkel not used to walking around in a long flowing clothes, slips and falls foreward, with her turban falling down over her eyes she stumbles blindly; Walter saves the scene and delievers his line about going out and finding the baby king as Hienkel is walking around with her arms waving out blindly in front of her, she grabs for Anderson's crown and walks off with it thinking its her prop, the crown is stuck to Anderson's hair and he yells out in pain trying to grab it from Hienkel.
The children in the audience are laughing and pointing, while up in the balconey, The Pope and The England Queen are shocked at how all this could have gone wrong in the opening night. Just as they thought "things couldn't get any worse" Then it came to the part with Pip being a shepherd with four of his Wild Geese friends sitting out pretending to mind the flock. Which they weren't doing being too busy looking at dirty magazines and drinking beer. Apparently the four of them didn't seem to even notice that the curtain had risen for they were still talking about stuff that well...wasn't in the lines.
"Hey guys," said the first Wild Geese man,"did I tell you about that hot red-headed chick I bagged last night, damn, she was fine, so I take her back to her place yeah and then after I got my condom on I went down on her like a-"
"-oh man....how long did you go down-?" asked Pip intrigued.
"-It was like twenty minutes..I think she had to re-lotion a couple of times to keep it from drying out-hey, so what are we suppose to do in this play anyway?"
"-just stand around and pretend to 'mind the flock' at least I get to see up Seras's dress, that would be so hot!" replied Pip not even realizing that he was already on.
"I can't wait to see her in......in......" The third Wild Geese turns around and looks out over the audience,"oh crap!"
Pip looks over,"What is it-SHIT! I HAVE TO GET SERAS!"
He runs off stage and there is a sound of a struggle as Seras protestes getting into the harnass complaining that it wasn't her turn yet to come on and Pip is just naturally freaking out that he screwed up the scene with Sir Integra watching looking angerily in his direction. Suddenly, a busty blond vampiress wearing a long silky dress and wings descends very quickly from the top of the stage hanging there screaming "Ahhhh! WEDGY! WEDGEY! MASTER SHUT UP I GOT A WEDGY! STOP LAUGHING IT ISN'T FUNNY!"
Backstage: "Pip is so dead," fumed Integra.
Maxwell fixing his robe,"Does this make me look fat?"
Integra dosen't even look over at him,"Yes...."
"Behold" Said Seras on stage,"Do not be afraid-"
"But we are not." Said a wild geese guy.
"DON'T INTERUPPT ME!" she screamed,"ahem-Do not be afraid, for behold I give you tidings of great joy, for among you is born in the city of David a savior which is Christ the Lord and this shall be a blessing onto you, go now, and you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling cloth and laying in the manger, glory to god in the highest Amen....ow ow ow...get me up this harness is cutting into my skin!"
As Pip ran back to hoist Seras up, Jan whispered to the Wild Geese solder that dated the red-head,"Pssstt, pssst, hey fucker, what was her name? Does she have a sister...?"
The curtain closes on the first Act.
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ACT TWO-Intermission; backstage.
"I am NOT riding on that thing!" Integra argued at Maxwell,"so forget it! Its bad enough I have to have a pillow stuffed under this! But I am not riding on a stupid smelly donkey!"
"Well I am not riding it I am the man!" Maxwell snapped back,"now be a good sow and ride this thing-GAAAAACHK!"
"That is no way to talk to the Mother of God, Catholic pig!" Integra seethed grabbing him by the throat.
"Integra please," Walter came and carefully put his hand on her arm,"no one will think any less of you and after all, Mary did ride on a donkey in the Bible..."
Integra looked over at Walter and then at the face of Maxwell cringing from being strangled,"......fine.....but if word of this gets out they are dead! Understand!?"
Intermission was over and the curtain came back up revealing Alucard dressed up as a Innkeeper, they brought in live baby animals to make the scene real, and when the spotlight came on Alucard he was sitting on a chair with a bunch of baby chicks playing around him. A funny sight if not for the fact that he had one sticking out of his mouth with its wings and legs flaying wildy.
"MASTER NO!" Screamed Seras running over and whacking him in the back of the head.
Alucard spat it out and placed the poor dazed creature down,"Relax its not like I was going to bite its head off or anything."
"SAY YOUR LINE OZZY OSBOURNE!" Screeched Integra from across the stage.
"Fine," he let out a sigh,"what a beautiful night-its nights like this I am so glad I am dea-er alive-oh what is this...a round young woman and her stupid fiancee coming to find shelter?"
Maxwell comes out with his beard askew pulling a stubborn young donkey and a irate woman over to Alucard. Trying hard not to step on any of the small baby farm animals that were under thier feet. When they finally got the donkey over to Alucard, Maxwell was too exhausted to even feel intimidated by the dark vampire.
"We are here to find room, my slutty wife-er 'darling' wife, is going to have a baby." He said.
"Sorry, we don't take in Catholics," Alucard said pretending to sweep the floor,"go away."
"You are suppose to say 'There is no vacancy at the inn but you may use the manger out back' you stupid vampire!" whispered Maxwell.
"Don't make me shove this up where the sun don't shine-"
"ALUCARD SAY YOUR LINES!" ordered Integra.
"Yes Master," he groaned,"There is no vacancy at the inn but you may use the manger out back......you stupid carpenter." He added smirking,"now, come this way and....stop....stop it...knock it off!"
A little lamb was chewing on Alucard's costume baa-ing and nuzzling him, and it didn't help matters that the children were laughing at him either, he got so fed up he hit the poor lamb with his broom a couple of times. The children were horrified, they punished the vampire in their own way by throwing their juice boxes at him.
"He hit a baby animal!"
"YOU MEANIE!"
"JESUS HATES YOU NOW!"
"Stop it! Ahhh! Noooo! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!" He cowered as Integra and Maxwell left the stage,"KNOCK IT OFF!"
That was when Pip and Seras closed the curtain before things got out of hand.
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Act Three
The curtain opened up once more and revealed a manger scene with Integra propped up against the wall of the small house and laying on a bed of dry straw which made it very uncomfortable. She shifted around a few times as she said her lines. Maxwell, mischieviously tried to lift up Integra's dress to see if she was still wearing pants underneath it and got a good smack across the face from him.
At that moment the three wise men came up Hienkel had removed her turban to prevent anything bad from happening the second time around,"We come bearing you gifts. Gold, Frackencenise and Myrrh." She said.
"Um, what am I suppose to do with them?" Integra asked.
"Well," shrugged Yumiko,"you could....decorate the manger, or um...use it to buy stuff...maybe....temple use?"
"We are not pagans!"
"I didn't say you were!" She shivered,"please don't yell at me, you will make Yumi come out and you wouldn't want Yumi to come out..."
Pip and his other three "shepherd" friends came along,"we are here to see the baby. And see a woman go into labor."
"Oh no! I am going to into labor!"
"This is the closet thing you are going to see me giving birth to you guys!" she yelled at the Prostant Knights in the audience,"SO LOOK CAREFULLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET TO SEE THIS AGAIN-!"
"Oh god they are not going to show afterbirth are they?" squirmed Sir Islands shielding his eyes.
Seras runs on stage,"Sir Integra! Master is eating another baby chick again!"
"SERAS SHUT UP!"
"You should try it Police Girl," he said sucking on a fuzzy yellow one like it was a pacifier,"they are very relaxing..."
Just then........
"SUPRISE! M---THER F----KERS!" screamed Jan coming out in nothing but a diaper,"I AM YOUR F---KING SAVIOR! BOW DOWN TO MY MIGHTY F---KINUSS!" The Pope groaned and buried his face in his hands,"HEY OLD FART! LOOK AT ME!" Jan gives The Pope the finger, "WHAT DO YOU THINK HUH YOU OLD COCK-SUCKING BASTARD! WHAT ARE YOU SCREWING THAT OLD HAG ON THE SIDE OR SOMETHING! SHE HAS GOT SOME FLABBY TITTIES-"
The Queen and Pope just turn thier heads and ignore Jan while he is yelling obcentities at them, causing everyone in the audience to run out of the building including the U.N. delegates. He waves his arms up at them beacuse the best part about swearing at someone (according to Jan) is to do it in their face while looking at you.
"HEY! STOP F--KING IGNORING ME! HEY! HEY! YOU OLD CUNTS LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK! LOOK HOW SACRELIGIOUS I AM DRESSING UP LIKE BABY JESUS AND SWEARING! SEE! SEE! YOU-*CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*-"
"A 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' is going to be on," The Pope said to the Queen,"you want to watch it with me?"
"Sure." she said over the sound of Jan's yelling,"l always loved that cartoon lets go!"
"Me too." He said happily.
They walked off from the disaster of the Christmas Paegent and decided to watch a Christmas special with thier friends and family, thus, ensuring that even between Catholic and Protestant, peace on earth, and good-will towards men can still happen.
Back on the stage.
"So, are down with this Master?" Alucard asked taking the chick out of his mouth.
"Yes......lets go home." she said removing her dress revealing her usual green men's suit attire underneath.
Seras grabbed the poor chick and held it up to her face feeling the fuzzy feathers against her skin,"I think I will name you 'Sunshine'."
Outside, Alucard was harassed nonstop by children and PETA
Oh my! That was nuts! I hope you all enjoyed it!
Be sure to leave reviews, comments, and flames. They are perfect for this time of year....*cuddles up against a roaring flame wearing a sweater and drinking hot cocoa* Mmmmmm...toasty. LMAO!