Title: Hellsing Comes but Once A Year
Disclaimers: I do not own Hellsing and Iscariot.
A/N: Thank you to all those that have faved and reviewed this story. I appreciate all your support. This next chapter has a new friend....Sunshine, the little chick that Alucard put in his mouth in part 2 of "The Christmas Play" story. This is a short one, about how we always seem to get a bad gift in a pile of great ones. Hellsing and Iscariot are secret -santas in this just so you know.
"Seras what are you doing?" Integra asked the vampiress in her office today,"and what is in that metal box?"
"Cookies," said Seras happily with her pet chick Sunshine standing next to her,"I made some cookies for the troops, care to have one?"
"No thanks," she said,"I need to finish this case file up as soon as possible, and it would look unprofessional to have cookie crumbs on it, sorry."
"Oh, okay." She said a tad sadly, "come along Sunshine, lets go give these cookies to the soldiers."
"Peep peeep!" said Sunshine happily in his little santa hat and scarf.
Seras walked out of the office with Sunshine hurrying behind trying to catch up. The chick had become a member of the team. And was very well trained for a baby. Seras had almost a paranormal link with the chick. The Director wouldn't be surprised for one bit if Seras had made it one of her familiars. Outside in the hallway, Sir Integra could hear Seras running into someone offering them a cookie, to her hidden amusement it turned out to be Pip.
She could just hear it already-
"No Pip! NOT THOSE COOKIES!"
SLAP!
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Christmas Day
Hellsing and Iscariot's best agents were sitting around underneath a huge decorated Christmas tree. Each one was each other's secret santas.
"I will go first!" Sir Integra ordered sharply and then gave Seras her gift,"here this one is from me."
"Yay!" Seras cried and ripped open the wrapping paper.
It was a crudely made knitted brown sweater with the Hellsing logo ironed on it.
"Oh, thank you," she said hiding her disgust at the ugly sweater,"its lovely."
"Try it on."
Seras did so, mostly out of fear of what her boss would do if it turned out that Seras hated it. She pulled it on over her head and stood up so everyone could get a good look at it much to the police girl's embarrassment. Her heavy-set chest stretched out the chibi bat's head so wide it gave it the illuision of a frown. While the sleeves went all the way down past her hands.
She could hear her Master's snide chuckle in her head.
The next gift was from Walter to Alucard.
"Why thank you Angel of Death," he said opening it hoping it to be a set of wine glasses for his 'wine',"Oh....nice...a calender with dogs on it....thank you...."
"You are welcome." He said.
"Now I can hang it on my coffin...and...enjoy the cute..faces of dogs every months...." then he added mentally, "this is for getting back at me when I ditched you in that room with The Captain isn't it?"
"Pretty much yeah." Walter telelinked back.
"Okay, now that we have had the joy of Alucard being humilated," said Maxwell boldly,"its MY turn! Here you go."
He gave Integra his present which said "To your secret sow-" the word sow crossed off and written over it "-santa from Maxwell."
"That is a typo," he explained with a sweatdrop falling down his face,"I don't know how on earth I would have gotten those two words mixed up."
"Oh I am sure I could-" Integra silently thought to herself.
"You know your stupid 'sow' comments are getting a tad old," she hissed dreading the present she would get from him,"Oh.....how..lovely, a picture of you...in tacky golden framing....where am I suppose to put this, in the dumpster?"
"No stupid," he laughed,"on your desk so that way you can always look at me in all my beautiful god-made visage twenty four hours a day."
"Great...great...I will just put this with the other.....thirty-six other pictures of you I got...every Christmas." She said bitting back her venemous rage.
In other words they would have to find another spot in the backyard to bury this one in.
"All right! My turn!" cried Pip diving headfirst into the box of presents and throwing some aside to retrieve the one he had gotten for Seras, just as soon as it moved the thing started to hum and vibrate. Attracting alot of suspicious attention.
"Ewwww PIP!"
"WHAT THE HELL CAPTAIN!?"
"THIS IS AN ABOMINATION OF CHRIST'S OWN DAY OF BIRTH!"
"Its not the one I intended to give you Seras," he sputtered,"I mean....it...it was...but this was a 'secret special' secret santa gift I intended to give you when we were...you know...alone....?"
"Oh really?" Seras fumed knocking the gift to the corner,"then where is my REAL gift?!"
"Um..uh...uh....here!" reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter, a condom, a piece of lint, a bottle of white-out and a quarter,"Here, its for you."
He hands her the items.
"Wow what a 'nice save' Pip," Seras sighed putting them in her own pocket then added sarcastically,"I will treasure this stuff forever."
Yumiko and Sunshine couriously crawl over to poke at the strange buzzing gift box.
But are pulled back protectively by Anderson.
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The Secret Santa exchange continued.
"Here is my gift Yumiko," said Hienkel,"Merry Christmas."
"I didn't even know that Japense even celebrated Christmas," blurted out Alucard,"ow-!"
He got sharply elbowed by Integra.
"Oh boy! Yaaay!" The nun smiled opening her gift up and pulling out-
A pair of handcuffs.
"What?" said Hienkel innocently surrounded by slack-jawed characters staring in disbelief,"its for her split personality. Come on, don't look at me like that...SERIOUSLY! ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!!!"
"What the heck kind of gift is this!" yelled Yumiko changing drastically to Yumi the berserker,"I get a stupid pair of handcuffs and Seras gets two presents! THIS IS NOT FAIR! I AM MUCH MORE SWEETER AND NICER THAN SHE IS! I SHOULD HAVE MORE PRESENTS-MORE-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Her glasses came off and she ripped the oraments on the tree one by one using the metal hooks as a weapon against almost everyone around her. Alucard used his shadow familiars to pin her down as Hienkel made use of the handcuffs and shackled her to the tree. Everyone gathered up the gifts and scooted farther back from the crazed nun and the tree.
"Oh dear," Walter gasped at the sight of the crazed nun ripping more oraments down and smashing them against the wall,"should we go into another room?"
"Oh we will be fine," explained Maxwell,"Yumiko never had a good throwing arm, even as little kids when we would play ball she would barely throw it hard enough to catch it.."
"Yeah that is true." Added Anderson remembering when he would watch them play with balls as little kids.
"Okay enough talking about balls-SMACK!" She gave her cackling vampire servent a smack against his face,"-lets get this over with shall we?"
Next was Sunshine's turn to be given a gift. Walter was his secret santa and scooped the sweet little chick up into his hand handing him a small bag of chicken feed.
"Awwwwww!" everyone exclaimed.
"What did the chick get?!" Yumiko screamed a tad calmer
"HE GOT CHICKEN FEED FROM THE HELLSING BUTLER!"
"WHAT!?!?!"
"I SAID THAT THE HELLSING'S BUTLER GOT THE CHICK SOME FOOD!" Enrico yelled again.
"OH THAT WAS NICE OF HIM!" She screamed back
Meanwhile....
"Here is your stupid present heathen!" Anderson spat at Alucard hitting him square in the face with his gift.
"And here is your stupid secret santa present!" Alucard replied throwing his twice as hard at Anderson in the crotch.
Alucard was courious, his gift was bigger than the one he gave to Anderson, he opened it and pulled out a "Testament Bible: New King James edition", a wooden crucifix, and a necklace of garlic bulbs that almost made him throw up. Anderson opened up his present and got a DVD Music video of Marilyn Manson in concert.
"You bastard!" He growled.
The stench of the garlic made the No-Life King's insides take a nasty turn. He actually felt the blood he had drank weeks ago start to come back up into his throat. Anderson may have beaten him with a gift for his personal pleasure at torturing the vampire. But he had the last laugh: he had destroyed the receipt so Anderson could never return the Marilyn Manson concert DVD back. And experience the humilation of being scene holding it in his hands.
This victory was short-lived when he clutched his mouth and ran for the nearest bathroom.
"And take your cross with you!" screamed Anderson chucking it at Alucard.
"-AAAAAAAHHHHHHH THAT BURNS-!"
Seras sent Sunshine after Alucard to make sure he was all right.
"Where is my present?" Maxwell asked Integra thinking that he would get one from her,"I gave you my gift where is mine?"
"Stop being such a spoiled baby," answered Integra,"I didn't pick your name. So its not me that will give you your present."
"Then who will?"
"One minute will you?" She said snobbishly,"I think Alucard is back. Oh good. He brought hot chocolate."
Enrico cringed, one minute the vampire was vomitting from the aroma of garlic bulbs, and then the next he came by with a tray of hot chocolate and the tiny chick perched on his shoulder. The vampire placed the hot chocolate on the table and used his shadow tendril to bring one over to Sister Yumie who was chewing on the metal handcuffs to get free. He naturally put up his defenses and stared at his cup strangely as soon as another tendril handed him his cup.
"Alucard didn't put anyting gross in it did he?" he asked with a eye crooked up.
"No Maxwell," said Integra,"I would know if he tainted the hot chocolate with his own blood or some such thing, though I would understand your paranoia."
"Don't worry Archbishop, I washed my hands," Alucard smirked and sat down next to Seras,"very throughly."
Every drank thier hot chocolate, even Yumie who had trouble with both her hands handcuffed to the tree sipped her off the brim. No one complained, for a vampire, he made good hot chocolate. But something tasted funny.
Maybe it was the milk.
"I think you should have went to the store and gotten fresh milk Integra," he said,"it must be spoiled."
"I didn't put milk in it." Alucard said playing with the small chick in his hand.
Maxwell stopped in mid-slurp and looked over at the chick hopping back and forth in the vampire's large gloved hands and then at his strange tasting hot chocolate.
He spat it out all over the carpet.
"YOU SICK VAMPIRE! YOU MADE THE CHICK PEE IN MY HOT CHOCOLATE!"
"HE WHAT! EWWWWWWW! DID HE PEE IN MINE?"
"DON'T WORRY YUMIE ITS JUST MAXWELL'S CUP!" Shouted Alucard this time across the room.
"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT COFFEE!"
"I SAID THAT SUNSHINE PEED IN MAXWELL'S CUP OF HOT CHOCOLATE!"
"EWWWWWWWW!"
Walter just sighed and went off to get the carpet cleaner before it soaked in and stained the fabric.
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Now it was Seras's turn.
After Maxwell brushed his teeth about five times in a minute, they were all gathered together once again.
Seras had three gifts to her secret santas: Anderson, Alucard, and Sunshine.
They opened them up. The presents were very small and came in holiday gift bags. It turned out that Seras spent her time making her Christmas gifts. Homemade oraments. However, she was one of those people that thought they were creative but everyone was too nice to tell them they were not for fear of hurting thier feelings. Anderson's orament was a "reindeer" made of nothing but thin pieces of brown felt stiff and crusty from all the hot glue that was used to attach the loop string on the back and a heavy plastic eye that weighed down the head so it bent at a awkward angle when you held it up.
Alucard took out Sunshine's orament. It was a bunch of red puff balls hot glued together until glazed over in a hard sticky protective shell with plastic leaves that suddenly fell out the minute Alucard held it up. Followed by the puff balls and the small golden thread that served as a loop came undone.
"Oops," said Seras,"I guess I should have used more hot glue."
He dreaded what his would look like.
When Alucard took his out it was......the worst orament ever!
It was a plastic "Bambi" figurine (from McDonalds) with a red silk tied around his neck and the back filled with hard crusty hot glue that held together a strand of yellow sewing thread wrapped around the torso and hot glued along the edges.
Now, usually, when you receive bad gifts ettiquette tells you to lie through your teeth about how much you liked it. But Alucard, well, he was never much for ettiquette.
"Oh my god!" he screamed,"this has got to be the crappiest Christmas I have ever had! Like the bible and the garlic necklace wasn't enough! At least I knew that Anderson would pull off that sort of insult but this....this....SUCKS!"
"M-M-Master..." Seras's big doe-eyes started to water.
"What just because you stick some crap together with hot glue you think you are Martha Stewert? Seriously, you have no creative talent-" Seras started to cry loudly "-and another thing! Why the heck did you give me some stupid plastic orament? If you can even call it a orament, you swiped this from Integra's McDonald's toy collection didn't you?"
"I.I...I just..."
"Really, if you are going to make something at least hire someone to do a better job of it-!"
Seras ran out of the room crying.
Integra grabbed Alucard's crucifix and proceeded to beat him over the head with it until he was knocked out cold.
"HEY GUYS!" screamed Yumiko, over at the tree still handcuffed,"WHAT DID I MISS? WHY IS SERAS CRYING!?!? GUYS!? HEY! I AM NOT YUMIE ANYMORE....UM...SO CAN ANYONE GIVE ME THE KEYS TO THE HANDCUFFS! GUYS! HIENKEL!? CHIEF? ANDERSON? ANYBODY!"
No one responded to Yumiko's yelling for they were all in a stunned silent trance with bad gifts all around them. It was that day on that there would be no more secret santa gift exchange anymore.
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Meanwhile, Pip's "gag" gift buzzed its away over to Integra after she had beaten her vampire into unconciousness. Grabbing it she opened it up and reached into the box.
"Anyone want a back massager?" she asked.
Merry Christmas and I hope everyone has better luck with thier gifts than the characters did. I guess I don't much else to say but please read and review and join me next time when we have a nice romantic Hellsing Christmas story ;)