A/N: Thanks to all the followers and to LoveYouself845 for her comments and support. Thank you!
Trigger Warning: This chapter contains detailed cutting as a coping mechanism.
Chapter Three
Your Very Own Lullaby
Castiel and Crowley managed to get a tree put up shortly after moving in, shades of blue and silver reflected off the lights and tinsel on faux evergreen. It didn't matter how much they wanted a real Christmas tree, it was just too unrealistic at the time. They were lucky enough to find the one they did.
Nights were spent spread out lazily in front of the fireplace and making love on any steady surface they could find. They found out that Castiel did not like being fucked over the railing of the mezzanine. Crowley found it hilarious when he spazzed out after looking down at the ground seven feet below.
Christmas Eve was spent with Crowley's family, Christmas day with Castiel's, then Christmas night together when they got home. Vintage tee's, CD's, DVD's, and even a new cell phone were among the piles of loot they gifted each other. The greatest give was given in their bed that night.
Classes began just after New Year's, which they celebrated by snuggling close to each other on the balcony, watching fireworks and kissing as Dick Clark declared it was officially midnight.
They didn't share any courses together but their spent on campus was the same. Crowley decided it would be best to drive them downtown every day. There were times when they met in the hallways on their way to classes, had lunch, or just hung out. No matter what, though, they were never far from each other.
Castiel was doing well in math and English and even making a few friends – strictly school friends. Crowley flourished in this setting, Castiel never noticed how much attention the other man received, and from both sexes at that.
At first Castiel tried to push to it to the back of his mind, telling himself that Crowley would never cheat. It was hard to believe though. A month prior Crowley had confessed to being bi-sexual, a fact that didn't ease the knot in his stomach as he watched his boyfriend now.
The shorter man was having his arm rubbed by a 20-something pale female. Her red hair flaming in the spring sun, red painted lips being worried by white teeth. The woman knew what she was doing; Crowley was all but putty in her hands at the moment. Castiel went to the car and waited, telling himself he wasn't going to cry, that Crowley was faithful and just being polite.
Castiel started scratching shortly after that.
Crowley had gone out to pick up some things and Castiel was left to his own devices, which meant sorting out all his problems in his head. Any time he was stuck in his head things never fared well for anyone – especially himself. So Crowley was surprised to come home an hour later to a sobbing Castiel.
Curled up in their bed, hugging a tear stained pillow to his chest, Castiel lay in a fettle position as if the world had just ended. Slipping his shoes off Crowley climbed on to the bed, wrapping himself around Castiel, playing the big spoon to Castiel's small.
"What happened love?" he whispered, rubbing his thumb over the top of Castiel's hand in what he hoped to be a comforting motion. "I was only gone for an hour. Did something happen with Anna? Your Uncle Alfie? Tell me darling, please."
Castiel shook his head vehemently, another set of sobs shaking his body. "I d-d-don't wanna ta-ta-talk about it! Just – Just leave me alone!" His pain shifted into anger in that one moment, the last sentence laced with venom as he shrugged Crowley away. Scooting to the farthest edge of the bed he began to sob again, as if Crowley had been the one to push him away.
Crowley had never seen him like this before. Sure he had known that Castiel had his bad times, but it had been awhile since then. Things had looked like they were getting better. Yet here was his boyfriend pushing him away as he suffered. He had no idea how to fix a problem he didn't know about.
With a heavy sigh he got off the bed and headed for the bedroom door. Turning and looking at Castiel's still form, he shook his head and stepped into the living room.
It was nearly two hours before Castiel emerged from the bedroom. His black hair was more mussed up than normal, eyes and nose were both red, and his pink tinged cheeks were stained from tears. Jumping up from the couch Crowley rushed over to him, enveloping him in a massive bear hug. The body underneath his went stiff, then gradually relaxed.
"Are you leaving me?" whispered Castiel, resting his head on Crowley's shoulder as he returned the hug. This time it was Crowley who stiffened, the question catching him off guard.
Letting go of Castiel, he placed his hands on Castiel's shoulders, gently pushing the man back. Wide hazel eyes met pleading blue. "Why would you even ask that?! Where is all of this coming from?" His voice was full of hurt from the thought that his boyfriend would think such a thing. That Castiel would have so little trust in him.
Castiel dropped his head suddenly becoming enamored with the floor. He continued in a whisper, "I saw you with that red head – and with a few others. I know I'm not the most handsome, or funniest, or most interesting. So I don't blame you for wanting to leave and if you want me to go I will. I just need to hear it from you, are you leaving me?"
One moment he was staring at his feet, the next he was being lifted up and carried bridle style to the couch. If he hadn't been so upset he would have found the whole thing comical but as it was…
Crowley sat down and cradled Castiel to his chest, using his lap to perch the smaller man on. Taking Castiel's hands in his own he felt his heart break as he looked at them.
"Oh Castiel, love, what did you do? ", he whispered to himself.
The top of Castiel's left hand had been scratched raw, as if the man had dug his nails into the flesh and dragged down from knuckle to wrist, repeatedly. The skin was dark pink and inflamed. Crowley felt his stomach lurch the longer he looked at it.
Shifting him off of his lap, he went to the bathroom for a first aid kit, coming back to kneel at Castiel's feet. Gently as he could Crowley applied peroxide, Neosporin, and wrapped Castiel's hand in gauze.
It's as Crowley's putting all the supplies back in the bathroom that Castiel fell asleep on the couch, emotionally drained. They never did finish the conversation.
Castiel still wore the gauze when they returned to school a couple of days afterwards. He told people that he had spilled boiling water on his hand while cooking. It was a shitty ass lie but people seemed to buy it.
Crowley made a valiant effort to keep an eye on Castiel.
At the end of the semester it was deemed okay for Castiel to drive once again. There hadn't been any signs of seizures and he had stopped taking his Lamictal. At some point he stopped taking his Zoloft.
It was almost Castiel's birthday when they went to mall to kill time. Every store they went into Castiel would try to show something to Crowley, but it seemed like Crowley's attention was elsewhere. After the 5th store Castiel had had enough and with a few choice words he stormed out of the store and toward the mall exit. Crowley went after him and they argued. The decision to take Crowley's car turned out to be for the best since Castiel wasn't the best driver when irate like he was right now.
It was when they got home that he bit Crowley in a fit of rage.
They were still in the car when it happened. Crowley found out Castiel hadn't been taking his meds. He threatened to put him in the hospital. Castiel called his bluff.
Castiel spent two weeks there. He was allowed to go out for an hour to celebrate his 21st birthday, but wasn't able to drink. When he got out he was set up with a therapist.
Castiel was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Dysthymia, and later on, ADD.
They both decided to hold off on going to school for the summer semester. Crowley got a full-time job, which at the time made sense but may not have been the smartest thing. He being gone so long left Castiel alone, which was never good. So they got pets, a grey colored cockatoo named Chu and a grey/silver kitten named Spring. Taking care of the two animals seemed to keep Castiel preoccupied.
Anna came to visit when she could, even Crowley's mom made the trek over to spend the weekend on occasion. Anything that would keep Castiel from losing himself to his own worst enemy: himself.
A friend of Crowley's ended up moving in with them in August.
Cecily was a small bundle of sarcasm and was too smart for her own good. Castiel loved her. Well he did until he saw the pictures of her and Crowley kissing.
It was true that Castiel had never asked about any previous relationships that Crowley had been in, but he never thought he'd meet an ex so soon. Cecily and Crowley had dated years back, before Crowley had even started high school, and now were just friends. Besides, Cecily was in an off again/on again relationship with her boyfriend Bart. Just so happened they were in their "off again" stage.
Castiel always kept an eye on Cecily and Crowley when they were together, ignoring the pain inside as he watched them joke around together.
He wasn't jealous.
Not one little bit.
Crowley never went back to school, deciding to keep working to help with all the bills that had started to accumulate. Classes were going okay for Castiel, until one day when he had a full blown panic attack during one of his classes. Crowley came and picked him up as fast as he could.
After that Castiel started skipping classes. He'd leave in the morning, park in the area across from the school, and wait a couple of hours. Then he'd go home and curl up with Spring. Cecily never took notice, or if she did she never said anything.
He never thought he'd become such a chicken shit after one panic attack.
One night Crowley, Cecily, and Bart (who'd just recently moved in) all went out to a pub downtown. No one asked Castiel if he wanted to go.
Castiel went to the kitchen to get his favorite drink when he took notice of the knife on the counter. With both items in hand he went into the bedroom, wedged himself between the bed and the floor-to-ceiling window, and looked over the parking lot as he numbed himself.
The drink made his head feel fuzzy and nice.
The knife brought his pain out.
Turning his left arm over, he took the knife in his right hand bringing the blade down to his porcelain forearm. Dragging the blade in a left to right motion against his skin, he pressed in lightly and drops of blood appeared.
He continued.
This was almost as better as scratching.
He continued.
The pain was becoming much more tolerable on the inside as his arm turned red and pink. By now he was on auto pilot, the cuts becoming more and more superficial.
Finally, the pain was gone.
Washing the knife and his glass, he went to bed before the trio returned. Finally he could get some release from the bullshit inside, the kind of release that Zoloft never gave him. Crowley noticed how upset Castiel was the next day and apologized… kinda. He said that Castiel wouldn't have gone even if he had been invited.
True.
Insomnia sucked ass.
So did almost falling down a flight of stairs from lack of sleep. He was prescribed Amitriptyline to help shut his brain off and stay asleep. It worked for a while.
One day Crowley had a dozen red roses delivered to this apartment. It was the first romantic thing he'd done in a long time.
His ADD seemed to be becoming a hindrance so he was given Adderall. Castiel became a shell of himself, feeling empty and numb. One day he ate a pint of Hagen Daz.
He stopped taking Adderall.
Cecily and Bart moved out in November.
Thanksgiving was spent with their respective families. Castiel knew deep down that there were problems in the relationship.
As it came closer to December and the end of their rental agreement Crowley stopped answering his phone while out. Castiel wasn't stupid; he just refused to believe it. Their sex life had been lacking so he began initiating more in hopes of fixing the rift.
One night on the steps outside of their apartment Castiel had a breakdown. They talked, and then made love. Nothing was fixed.
Crowley began working later and still didn't answer is phone.
Castiel started cutting again.
They didn't renew their lease. It wasn't Castiel's idea. Crowley decided to stay in town and Castiel moved back home with Anna. He never said anything about their relationship. It was obvious they were over, but denial gave Castiel faith.
Crowley ignored him, even though he would say "I love you" when they did talk.
New Year's Eve Castiel had had enough. He drove to where Crowley was staying and his roommate let him in, saying he was out with a girl for the night. Castiel went into his bedroom and stole meaningless items.
He ran red lights that he never saw. He stopped at a store and picked up the biggest package of Unisom they had.
Anna asked if he was okay when he came home. He lied.
When she had finally fallen asleep he took as many Unisom as he could and crawled into bed with his mom. He needed the comfort she gave him before he died.
He woke up the next morning.
Why couldn't he just die already?!
To ease the hole he felt inside he began to sleep around.
He would form his version of a relationship, have sex, and then end up feeling worse when he never heard from them again. Castiel lost count of how many people he let fuck him. He would feel loved, then like shit, over and over and over.
Then one day in May that all changed.
That was the start of his longest relationship, but it was one that left him more fucked up than ever before.
Edited on October 30, 2014