Clarke wants more. Wants more touching, wants more skin, wants more laughter, wants more cuddling, wants more Lexa. Clarke wants so badly to be something other than just a friend and a good fuck to her roommate. She wants Lexa to come to her junior showcase on her arm. She wants to wake up beside Lexa every morning without one of them having to sneak back to their own room before anyone else gets up. She wants to be able to kiss Lexa in public without worrying who will see or if Lexa is going to accuse Clarke of getting too involved and walk away from her forever.
She tries to tell herself she's not falling in Love with Lexa. She tries to tell herself she could live without Lexa if the other girl ever decided to end what was going on between them. But all of these reassurances are thrown out the window every time Lexa smiles at Clarke. All Lexa has to do is grin in Clarke's direction and it's like the rest of the world falls away. Clarke kind of hates herself for being such a sap.
Lexa seems to know what she's thinking because every time Clarke tries to have the conversation with her, she'll suddenly be late for work or need to meet a friend or just jump Clarke's bones. While Clarke can't exactly complain about the latter, she is beginning to get quite frustrated by the situation. She's not sure how much longer she can hold in her secret without blurting it out. However, she makes it through the semester without exposing herself and her arrangement with Lexa goes on as usual.
She spends her Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks in awkward silence with her mom and missing Lexa desperately. She can only hope Lexa misses her just as much. Judging by the intensity of the sex following the separation, Clarke thinks maybe, just maybe, Lexa might feel the same.
"So we should probably talk about… whatever this is between us."
Clarke isn't really sure what she's doing because trying to talk to Lexa about feelings is kind of like cornering an angry tiger. And then poking it with a stick.
"Clarke, can we not talk about this right now?"
Right now being while they are still naked and panting in Clarke's bed. Lexa's laying underneath Clarke and gazing up at her with that air of indifference that Clarke kind of hates. Well, sometimes she finds it really hot, but right now she wishes it would just go away.
"And when are you going to want to talk about it? I'm tired of not knowing where I stand with you, Lexa. You can't keep avoiding this conversation."
Lexa huffs in annoyance and Clarke is momentarily distracted by the sensation of their nipples brushing together. She almost gives into the temptation to forget the imminent argument and fuck Lexa into oblivion again, but her hardheadedness wins out and she sits up so she is straddling Lexa's hips, the sheets pooling around her thighs.
"Lexa, please. I can't keep doing this without knowing what you're thinking. I… may or may not have feelings for you and I just really wish you'd talk to me."
Lexa sighs and turns her piercing gaze away from Clarke. Her wild chestnut hair is fanned out around her head on the pillow and Clarke would compare her to an angel if she weren't so annoyed with her right now. Lexa finally swallows hard and props herself up on her elbows.
"Then maybe we should stop doing this."
Clarke's stomach drops. This is not the way she envisioned this conversation going at all.
"Lexa…"
"If you're unhappy with the way things are now, Clarke, we need to end it. I'm afraid I can't give you what you want."
Feelings. Lexa can't give Clarke feelings. Closing her eyes against the keen sting of disappointment, Clarke breathes deeply through her nose. She feels hands rest themselves on her thighs and thumbs begin to rub comforting circles into the skin there. When Clarke opens her eyes, Lexa's gaze is full of hurt and regret. Fuck stopping. Clarke would rather have part of Lexa than not have her at all. Clarke's voice shakes with unwelcome emotion when she speaks.
"I mean, I don't know about you, but the sex is like the most mind blowingly awesome sex I've ever had. And," Clarke blinks a few times to keep the tears at bay, "honestly, I don't think things could go back to normal now. I don't think I could be just your friend or just your roommate. I'd rather have this as an excuse to hold you at night than not be able to hold you at all." Lexa's eyes widen and Clarke mentally kicks herself for saying too much. "Sorry if that was a bit much. I don't want to scare you."
Lexa stares up at her for a long moment and Clarke mentally prepares herself to be shot down in flames. She's completely shocked, however, when Lexa surges up and smashes their lips together. Slender fingers curl into Clarke's hair and she parts her lips when a curious tongue probes them for entrance. Lexa moans low in her throat and the sound sends shockwaves straight to Clarke's core. She pulls away, only because she knows if she doesn't, they're not going to be able to finish their talk for another hour. She's essentially sitting in Lexa's lap now and she wraps her arms around the other girl's shoulders, smiling when the action is reciprocated.
"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that?"
Lexa gives her a watery smile and shakes her head.
"I don't know. I just- It's been a long time since I've had someone care about me like this. I mean, I obviously have Octavia, but you're different. You're more."
Clarke presses a kiss to Lexa's curls.
"Well, I'm certainly glad I'm different. I'd be a little freaked if you were also screwing your cousin."
Lexa rolls her eyes, but laughs anyway. Then the smile slides from her features and she rubs her nose against Clarke's before resting their foreheads together.
"I don't know that I'm ready to put a label on what we are yet, but I think I want to be with you."
Clarke pulls back and puts her hands on Lexa's shoulders so she can look the other girl in the eyes without being distracted by the feeling of their naked bodies rubbing together. "I thought you said you didn't have feelings for me."
"I never said that." Lexa pulls Clarke closer to her and buries her face in Clarke's neck. "I'm scared. The last time I felt this way about someone, I had my heart broken. You don't realize how much power you have over me."
Running her fingers through tangled curls, Clarke sighs and tries to calm her rapidly beating heart. "I'm not going to hurt you."
"You can't promise that," is whispered into Clarke's collarbone.
"Maybe not," Clarke replies, still petting Lexa's hair. "But, I will do my very best to avoid it. I really, really care about you, Lexa."
Lexa pulls away from Clarke's neck and presses a soft kiss to her jaw on the way to her lips. "Okay."
"Okay?" Clarke asks before leaning in for another kiss.
Lexa nods before laying back on the bed and bringing Clarke with her. "I want to try again. With you."
The rest of the night is filled with wandering hands and quiet murmurings of shared affection.
Clarke barges into Lexa's room one evening. "Put on some pants on. I'm taking you out to dinner and a movie."
Lexa looks up from her homework peers over the frames of her reading glasses in confusion. "What?"
"You heard me. It's time I take you on a proper date." Lexa stays where she is and Clarke rolls her eyes before grabbing a pair of jeggings out of the dresser and throwing them at the other girl's head. "Pants. Now. I have tickets for 7:30."
When Clarke finally herds Lexa out of the house, they head to a small sandwich shop near the movie theater.
Clarke is a little worried about taking Lexa on a real date. Yes, they have decided to try being more than friends with benefits, but saying it and actually doing it are two different things. She worries that they'll run out of things to talk about or that she'll say something stupid that will turn Lexa off of her for good. She worries that the only thing holding them together is the sex. Clarke's last relationship only lasted as long as it did because of sex. Well, Anya only stayed with Clarke because of sex. Clarke stayed with Anya because she genuinely enjoyed the other girl's company. But then Anya had reconnected with her ex-boyfriend and that had been the end of it. Clarke thinks she may actually die if the same thing happens with Lexa. Not the ex-boyfriend thing, obviously, but if sex is the only way she and Lexa are compatible, Clarke doesn't know what she'll do. Maybe she'll move to Quebec and raise alpacas.
Thankfully, dinner is casual and relaxed and Clarke says all the right things to make Lexa blush and giggle. The movie, however, is awful and Clarke and Lexa spend more time making out in the back of the theatre than trying to follow the plot of the mess on the screen. They come up for air when the credits start rolling and the other patrons in the theater begin vacating their seats.
"Any idea what the movie was about?"
Lexa shrugs. "Your guess is as good as mine." She leans forward in her seat and presses a shy kiss to Clarke's cheek. "Thanks for taking me out tonight. I've had fun."
Scoffing, Clarke grabs Lexa's hand and pulls her into a standing position. "You think this is all I had planned? Come on, I want to take you one more place."
Clarke takes her to a gourmet hot chocolate stand where they order their beverages and then sit on a park bench, shivering in the cold night air.
"Lexa?"
"Hmmm?" Lexa hums as she takes a sip of the warm drink in her gloved hands.
"I did want to ask you one thing." Clarke scoots a little closer on the bench and wraps her arm around the other girl's waist. She smiles when Lexa sinks into the embrace and burrows into her shoulder.
"What is it?"
The words stick in Clarke's throat. She wants to ask the question that's been on her tongue since the night they finally discussed their feelings and here it is, three weeks later, and she still can't bring herself to voice her thoughts. "I-," she sighs and frowns at herself in frustration.
Lexa chuckles and nudges Clarke's cheek with her freezing nose. "You can ask me, you know. I'm going to say yes."
Clarke turns to gape at the woman sitting beside her. "How the hell do you know what I'm going to ask?"
"You're not very good at hiding your emotions. Your facial expressions are very telling." She leans in to kiss the corner of downturned lips. "Now, stop pouting and ask me to be your girlfriend."
"Why don't you ask me?" Clarke sasses back, feeling a bit silly for being so cowardly and a little annoyed that Lexa hadn't thought to put her out of her misery until this moment.
"Because you planned this sweet date just to ask me. So now you need to follow through."
Rolling her eyes, Clarke takes Lexa's hand and laces their gloved fingers together. "Fine. Lexa, will you do me the honor of becoming my girlfriend?" She says it jokingly but there is real meaning behind every word.
Lexa meets her gaze then and Clarke is a little taken aback by the intensity of it. And a little wet. But that could be leftover from the heavy petting that occurred in the movie theater.
"Nothing would make me happier," Lexa answers honestly and Clarke can't stop herself from lunging forward and pinning Lexa against the seat of the bench.
They kiss furiously until a passerby clears her throat and shoots them a withering glare whilst covering her young child's eyes. Thoroughly chastised, the two women blush and sit up, adjusting their clothes and hair. Clarke stands and throws away their cups before offering her hand to Lexa.
"Wanna go home and get our freak on?"
Holding her hands to her chest, Lexa gasps dramatically. "On the first date? What kind of girl do you take me for, Miss Griffin?"
"A nerd," Clarke replies with a fond smile before taking her girlfriend's hand and leading her back to the car.
Clarke goes to Lexa's first official track meet with Raven. Octavia is out of town getting things sorted out for her student teaching next year, so she's not able to attend. Honestly, Clarke is a little relieved that it's just herself and Raven watching the runners from the stands. She and Lexa have been official for almost a month and it's been exhausting trying to hide it from Octavia.
"So, how long have you and Lexa been dating?"
Clarke chokes on her own spit. "What?"
"If you try to play dumb with me again, I swear I'll slap the shit out of you."
"Fine. We've been at girlfriend status for about a month."
"And how long have you been boinking?"
Clarke glares at Raven who just stares back expectantly. "You do know that I live right across the hall from you, right? If you guys are trying to hide that you're having sex, you're not very good at it. Your girlfriend is loud."
"You're one to talk. I've been listening to you have sex for the past three years," Clarke seethes.
"Woah, creeper. I'm flattered, really, but you're not my type. Lexa, on the other hand…"
Clarke growls and crosses her arms. "You're impossible."
"I'm adorable and loveable," Raven corrects. "And I'm also happy for you. Lexa's a pretty cool chick when she pulls the stick out of her ass and you deserve someone that makes you smile as much as you have been lately."
"Aw, I knew you cared," Clarke crows, previous annoyance forgotten, as she wraps her arms around Raven and presses a sloppy kiss to her cheek.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold."
Raven spends the rest of the day interrogating Clarke for details concerning her new relationship and it is actually really nice to be able to finally talk about it. Lexa's relay team wins their race by a huge margin and Clarke embarrasses Raven by jumping up and down in the stands screaming for her girlfriend. She's hoarse by the end of the race, but Lexa's smile when she picks out Clarke in the crowd makes it all worth it.
If Clarke is honest with herself, it was really inevitable that Octavia would eventually walk in on her favorite cousin fucking her best friend. It is a Friday and both Clarke and Lexa got out of their classes for the day before noon. As their housemates usually don't return home until after two o'clock, the two women frequently use this time to fool around. Upon walking into the brunette's room, Clarke is immediately pushed up against the door, causing it to slam shut violently in the process.
Her mouth falls open in shock only to be invaded by an exploratory tongue. She luxuriates in the feeling for a long moment, working her own tongue between Lexa's soft, pliable lips until Lexa's attention shifts from licking at the roof of Clarke's mouth to trailing soft kisses and gentle nips down the side of her throat.
"Not that I'm complaining, but you're usually not this… aggressive." Clarke swallows hard when the other girl begins nibbling at her ear lobe and insistent fingers slip beneath the hem of her t-shirt, warm against the skin of her abdomen.
"Passed a big test," Lexa mumbles against the skin of her jaw as her fingers clumsily untie the drawstring on Clarke's sweatpants, slipping inside her underwear as soon as there was room. "So relieved and now I really want to get you off."
Clarke's head thuds against the wooden door when wandering fingers tease her entrance, gathering the abundant wetness gathered there before rubbing it into her clit.
"I'm have no objections to that," she somehow manages to croak out while Lexa draws quick circles over the engorged flesh at the apex of her thighs.
It is mere seconds before she is panting her release into the other girl's neck, because, wow, she is way more wound up than she had initially thought. She kisses Lexa languidly for a moment and then she is pushing the brunette backwards towards the bed and pushing her down upon the mattress. Climbing astride the taller girl's hips, Clarke meets her hooded eyes and finds herself lost for a moment in the blown pupils and flushed cheeks.
She leans down and is met by Lexa in a bruising kiss. She tangles one hand in unruly chestnut locks while the other fumbles with the button of the woman's jeans. She succeeds and immediately jerks the denim down tanned legs, dragging silky panties along with them. Lexa kicks off her boots and aids in freeing her ankles from the restrictive garments. Clarke presses one more kiss to Lexa's lips before rucking her shirt and bra up around her breasts and wrapping her lips around a nipple. She revels in the sound the action ripped from her roommate's throat as the girl arches up off the bed and the pressure of nails digging through the fabric of her shirt and into her shoulder blades.
"Clarke." Clarke nips the underside of the brunette's breast in response, eliciting a needy groan. "Please."
Rather than drawing out Lexa's torture, as Clarke is tempted to do, she takes pity on the prone woman and slips a hand between their bodies, easily sliding two fingers into her girlfriend. Lexa's hips jerk at the intrusion and a relieved moan escapes her. Clarke shifts so she is straddling one of the taller woman's thighs and is rewarded with a muscular thigh being draped over her back.
Smirking at the helpless expression that has taken over Lexa's features, Clarke eases her fingers almost all the way out before pushing them back in. She sets a steady rhythm and knows it wouldn't be long when she feels muscular walls beginning to clamp down around her digits. The sounds escaping Lexa's clenched teeth are positively obscene and Clarke can't help but stare as the girl throws her head back and arches off the bed. For a brief moment, the only movement from Lexa is her inner muscles fluttering around Clarke's fingers.
"Hey, Lexa, I was wonder- Oh, dear lord! My eyes!"
The two girls occupying Lexa's bed shriek and Clarke jerks her fingers out of the girl lying beneath her and rips the comforter up over the both of them. Octavia slaps a hand over her eyes and stands in the door way for a moment before clearing her throat.
"I would like to speak to both of you in the living room when you're… finished. I'm going to go and pour window cleaner in my eyes."
Clarke watches as Octavia's shoulders rise and fall with a sigh before she turns and leaves the room and Clarke might feel guilty if it weren't for the sensation of Lexa's chest still heaving against her own.
"How did this even happen?"
Clarke considers telling her the entire story, from the moment they accidentally ended up getting each other off on the couch instead of watching a horror movie until now, but instead she says, "You can't expect two attractive, unrelated, lady loving ladies to live under the same roof and not have sex with each other at least once."
She looks to the girl sitting next to her expecting a glare, but instead sees that Lexa is nodding like Clarke just said the most logical thing in the world.
"So that wasn't your first time?" Octavia grimaces like she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the real answer.
Surprisingly, the ever stoic Lexa is the one that answers the question.
"We've been sleeping together since October."
"You have not." Octavia's blue eyes flash in disbelief and she glares hotly at the two girls sitting on the sofa.
"Octavia, I understand you're hurt that we left you out of the loop, but the way you're reacting is exactly why we didn't tell you," Lexa explains calmly to her cousin who looks as if she's contemplating murder.
"How else am I supposed to react to the fact that my so-called best friend is screwing my cousin? Something that I specifically told her not to do!" Octavia's face is almost unnaturally red and Clarke is pretty glad that Lexa is sitting between them.
"Octavia, I appreciate your concern, but I don't need you to protect me. Did it ever occur to you that I'm ready to be in a relationship again? That I actually have feelings for Clarke that she reciprocates? She's not Costia."
An indignant expression crosses Octavia's features and she bows up like she's ready to argue, but then Lexa shoots her a pleading look and she deflates. "Fine. I suppose I can be okay with this if both of you are happy. But only if you promise not to let me catch you guys getting down and dirty again. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to forget that image. It'll haunt me for the rest of my life. I hope you can live with that."
Lexa smirks. "Well, at least you didn't walk in on us yesterday. That really would have upset you."
Clarke catches on and grins lecherously. "Yeah, did you know that Lexa's really flexible? It comes in handy when we-"
"Jesus Christ! I don't need details!" Octavia claps her hands over her ears and glares daggers at Clarke.
Raven chooses this moment to stroll into the room and takes in Octavia's red face and the two girls pressed against one another on the sofa. "Oh, so you two finally decided to tell O about your sexcapades?"
Octavia gapes at Raven. "What the hell? You knew?" She turns to Lexa and Clarke. "She knew?" Clarke shrugs helplessly.
Crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe, Raven comes to Clarke's rescue. "No one told me, if that's what you were wondering. I'm honestly surprised it took you this long to find out."
"Then how did you know and why didn't you tell me?"
"For one, Clarke's room has smelled like a brothel for months. Seriously, Clarke, go buy a scentsy or something because no one's room should smell that much like sex. Secondly, my room is right across from hers and Lexa sounds like a squeaky toy when she comes. I have no clue how you didn't find out before today."
Lexa turns red. "I'm not that loud."
Clarke tilts her head. "Well…"
"Unless you want me to withhold sex for the rest of the semester, I would not finish that thought, Clarke Griffin."
"Please," Clarke scoffs. "Like you would be able to hold out that long. You'd be begging for it by the weekend."
"Just like you were begging for it-"
"Oh my god! La, la, la, la! I can't hear you!" Octavia wails with her hands over her ears as she storms out of the room.
Raven chuckles from her place in the doorway. "By all means, please continue. In fact, I'm gonna go make some popcorn. Living in this house is better than having HBO."
Clarke rubs Lexa's back as the other girl heaves over the porcelain bowl. Lexa moans miserably and flushes the toilet before leaning over to lay on Clarke's bathmat. Clarke grabs a wet wash cloth and gently wipes her girlfriend's face clean of sweat and sick.
"Clarke, you're going to catch the plague too if you stay in here."
"I don't care," Clarke replies, stroking Lexa's hair. "You've been Linda Blair-ing all afternoon, babe. I'm not going to just leave you here on the bathroom floor."
Lexa leans into her touch. "I'm not used to people taking care of me. Especially when I have the stomach flu."
Clarke feels her heart melt a little. "Well, get used to it because I'm not going anywhere. Now let's get you back into bed."
Clarke closes the bedroom door behind her softly ten minutes later and starts towards the kitchen to get some more sprite for her girlfriend.
"Hey, Clarke."
She jumps a little, having not expected anyone to be in the living room. "Oh, hey, O. How's your day been?"
"Pretty good, just laying around."
Since Octavia found out about Clarke's relationship with Lexa, their friendship has been a bit strained. Octavia is always friendly, but Clarke knows she's still a little angry. Clarke understands, too. She should've told Octavia the moment her relationship with Lexa changed and in not doing so, she betrayed her friend's trust. Then again, she got an amazingly wonderful girlfriend out of the debacle, so she only feels a little guilty.
Clarke grabs a bottle of 7-up, a bottle of water, and a small package of crackers from the kitchen before heading back towards her room. Octavia watches her with pursed lips from her seat on the couch and gestures to the bottles.
"Need a water break?" she asks tightly.
Eyebrows furrowed, Clarke glances down at the items before realizing what it must look like. "No, actually. Lexa's been puking her guts up since this morning."
Octavia's cool gaze morphs into something more concerned. "Is she okay?"
"It's just a bug. I finally got her to go back to sleep. I was just getting these in case she feels like she can hold something down when she wakes up."
Octavia nods silently and Clarke turns to walk down the hallway when she doesn't say anything else.
"She's happier now."
Clarke freezes and turns to face her friend. "What?"
"She's happier with you than I've ever seen her."
"Are you okay with that?" Clarke hesitantly comes to sit next to the other girl on the couch.
"Of course. I want her to be happy. It just worries me. You didn't know her when she was with Costia. Their breakup was… really messy. I don't want to see that happen again." She sighs. "And this is kind of really fucking hard for me because she's my cousin and you're my best friend and I feel responsible for both of you and I don't know who to threaten to beat up."
Clarke chuckles and draws Octavia into a long overdue hug. "How about I do my best to treat her right and you don't beat anyone up?"
"That takes all the fun out of it." Octavia releases her and looks her in the eye. "But I'm serious. You hurt her and I'll fuck your shit up." She narrows her eyes for a moment before smiling sweetly. "Now get off your ass and go take care of your girlfriend."
Clarke obeys immediately. Protective Octavia is a little terrifying.
"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!"
It seems now that everyone in the house knows the extent of their relationship, the voice in Lexa's head telling her to try to keep the noise down has suddenly fallen silent.
Clarke's head is currently buried between two strong thighs and there are nails digging into her shoulder and scalp. The woman above her squeals when Clarke shoves two fingers into her without warning.
"Oh my god, Clarke…"
It's never been this loud, but it's really working for Clarke. She's pretty sure she's dripping onto the sheets and she knows Lexa is. There will probably be hell to pay in the morning from their roommates, but right now, Lexa is groaning out her release and Clarke really doesn't give a fuck.
When she's greeted by Raven and Octavia's death glares the next morning, however, she decides it's probably time to bake some apology cookies. She only lets Lexa help with the decorating.
One week later, Clarke and Lexa arrive home from the gym to find Octavia and Lincoln making out on the sofa. Lincoln is topless and Octavia's tights are draped over the television. Lexa stops short in the doorway with a grimace.
"Ugh. Really?"
Octavia sits up and pushes her boyfriend away from her. "Oh! I'm so sorry! I thought you weren't going to be home until after dinner."
Clarke raises her eyebrows. "O, we told you we were just going to work out and that we'd be home in an hour."
"You worked out?"
Lexa rolls her eyes. "I worked out. Clarke sat on a bicycle and played on her phone the entire time."
"I resent that. I ran on the treadmill!"
"For two minutes. Then you claimed you were about to have a heart attack and needed a break."
"Guys!" Octavia interrupts, exasperated. "You just walked in on Lincoln and me about to have sex on the couch. Our couch that we all sit on. Aren't you mad? Annoyed? Disgusted?"
Clarke shrugs. "Eh. Lexa and I broke it in a long time ago." She pauses. "Wait, were you trying to get caught?"
Octavia grins maniacally. "Revenge, bitches!" Her face suddenly falls and she looks down at the fabric of the couch in horror. "And what do you mean you broke it in?!"
"What do you think?" It's Lexa who answers and Lincoln stands from the couch, shuffling uncomfortably before muttering something about never helping Octavia with her crazy plans again and leaving the room.
"Oh my god!" Octavia leaps up and backs away from the piece of furniture she had been sitting on. "Is nothing sacred to you two?! What else have you had sex on in this house?" Clarke opens her mouth to reply, but Octavia quickly cuts her off. "Wait. Don't tell me. I don't want to know." She leaves the room, gathering her discarded clothing as she goes.
"Where are you going?" Clarke asks her friend's retreating back.
"I'm getting the bleach. This house needs to be scrubbed before I'll feel comfortable in it again."
The next day, Bellamy strolls into the shed to discover a naked Lexa laid out on the work table with an equally naked Clarke between her legs.
He purses his lips at their shocked expressions and shakes his head before turning to leave. "Why do I always walk in on shit like this?"