A/N: Once again thanks to LoveYourself845. To those who have followed and made this a favorite, I thank you as well :D It really means a lot that people are actually reading this, so please keep it up! Also, this chapter is set up a bit different than previous chapters. It's just for the sake of moving things along though.

Trigger warnings for this chapter! Cutting, implied abuse and emotional manipulation.

Oh and this chapter is super-de-duper long, so apologies to those who are into short chapters. I was going to split it, but just couldn't find the right spot. So, um, sorry?

Anyway, on with the show!

Chapter Five
No Joy, No Pain, But Silence

Some people are great at hiding their emotions. Some people are great at keeping their feelings deep inside, where no one will find them. Some people forget that they are meant to be happy. Some people are so broken they don't believe they deserve happiness.

June '06
Castiel was huddled in on himself in the safety of their walk-in closet. Outside he could hear Balthazar yelling at him from somewhere in the house. Castiel hugged his knees to his chest, face buried in the softness of his gray sweatpants as he cried. He cried to the point of nearly hyperventilating. He stopped when he heard Balthazar enter the room, holding his breath as if it would make any difference. Balthazar knew this was where he hid when things got too intense. The closet was just big enough to make him feel protected. This was his safety area; it was one of the few things in this God forsaking house that was his!

The sound of a fist making contact with the door caused Castiel to jump; it was followed by the sound of footsteps growing fainter as the person walked out the room. He would give Balthazar two hours to calm down. Too bad he forgot his phone or anything that would help keep him entertained until then. All he needed was something to distract him from the thoughts running through his head. His mind was a dangerous place when he was left alone with it. It's surprising how true that saying is, the one about idle hands being the devil's playground. His playground was the size of fucking Central Park; the devil would be like a fat kid in a candy store when it came to Castiel.

Feeling emotionally drained and weary, Castiel stood up, unlocked the door, and peeked out just to make sure there was no one in the bedroom. Heaving a sigh of relief he cautiously stepped out and made a beeline for the bed. All he wanted to do was sleep and forget everything, because things were always better when he woke up. He would never forget and could never forgive Balthazar for all he'd done, but Balthazar wanted to forgive and forget – so Castiel faked it. Sinking down into the mattress of their king sized bed, Castiel made sure he was as far to the edge as possible.

The first year they were together was stressful to say the least. They argued, probably more than the usual couple would, but Castiel couldn't leave. The arguments weren't that big of a deal anyway, it was mostly them butting heads over differences of opinion. Castiel learned to keep his opinion to himself. He didn't like to argue.

So Castiel went and purchased a ring for Balthazar. The ring was silver with the heart shaped emoticon engraved on top. It was a reminder of how they had first met and of their love for each other.

That night they made love for the first time in months.

December '05
Their first Christmas was eventful, just not in the best of ways. Balthazar wanted to fly up north to visit his parents; he wanted Castiel to come with him. Castiel wanted to stay and spend the holiday with Anna and Balthazar. Stuck at an impasse, Balthazar booked a one way ticket stating he didn't know when he'd be back.

He left on the 23rd.

Castiel curled up in front of the door crying, muttering apology after apology, as if Balthazar were there to hear them. It felt as if his insides had shattered, like the glass he had thrown before Balthazar had left. The pain was unbearable. He wished the shattered pieces inside of him would cut him as they fell.

Cut. Cut. Cut. Cut.

The word became a mantra as he got up off the floor, wiped his tears away with both hands, and staggered into the kitchen. The glass littered the floor, shining like diamonds on the tiles. Each shard was different, some large with jagged edges or small with sharp tips. Minuscule pieces were sprinkled, filling in the gaps; it reminded Castiel of a monotone mosaic.

He dropped to his knees, glass imbedding itself into his shins. He welcomed the pain, embraced it. He could handle this type of pain. It encouraged him to pick up the sharpest piece, it cheered him on as he held it up to the light, and it was pain that controlled his actions. Lying down on his left side he straightened his arm, staring at the veins visible under his porcelain skin. He imagined that skin covered in red and calm blanketed him. Resting his head on his upper arm, tiny pieces of glass collected in his hair and shone like glitter in his ebony locks. It was morbidly beautiful.

The first cut was superficial. The second cut brought drops of blood to the surface, goading him on. The third cut was made with more force, blood now coming more freely. The following cuts came lazily as the glass and his fingertips became coated in crimson, the symbolism of sin and love were not lost on him. All the pain he felt inside flowed out.

Peace washed over him. The emotional exertion started taking a toll and his motions stilled. The glass slipped from his fingers and landed in the small portion of red, becoming lost. The horizontal cut on his wrist began to clot at the cease of manipulation. Castiel drifted off to sleep; the glass beneath him became his bed. His dreams were filled with life and happiness, because that was what they were to him, nothing but a dream.

The beginning notes of "You and Me Song" woke him up late the next day. He hadn't moved the entire night, glass now pressed into his left arm, a crease from his arm imprinted on his cheek. He yelped as he got up off the floor, the glass not exactly welcome now that he was clear minded. Tip toeing carefully to the edge of the kitchen he stripped his clothes off and dropped them on the tiles, deciding to clean up the mess later.

His phone went off again, this time to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody." He ran around the kitchen counter, through the entry way and into the bedroom to his right, where his phone fell silent on the nightstand. Picking it up he saw he had five missed calls, eight text messages, and the time was after one o'clock. It was Christmas Eve and he'd slept over half the day away. All the text messages and four of the calls had been from Anna, each call accompanied by a voice mail. Balthazar had called once.

As he nursed his wounds he called Anna back to let her know that he was indeed alive and that he'd be there later tonight – alone.

Funny how moms have a way of knowing when they're needed most.

His time at home, his real home, went uneventfully. Presents were giving; Castiel couldn't recall what he had received or what had been reserved for Balthazar. A large meal was prepared but all he could think of was the empty spot where his better half should be.

The fireworks went off at midnight on New Year's and there was no one to kiss.

It was on the 6th that his phone rang, the beginning guitar strums alerting him of the caller.

Castiel felt his whole body tremble as he answered the call, sitting in the chair at the far corner of his childhood bedroom. "Balthazar –" he coughed to clear out the shakiness of his voice. "Where are you? Is everything alright? Why haven't you –"

"I'm still at my parents, Cassie, and yes everything is alright. Why wouldn't it be?" Balthazar said, nonchalantly, as if he hadn't been gone for nearly two weeks. As if they hadn't had their biggest fight yet. "I tried to call when I got here, but you must have been sleeping the day away, so I figured you'd call when you were ready. When I didn't hear from you, well, I figured you still needed time to cool down."

"You've called ONCE in nearly two weeks. TWO WEEKS! What the fuck Balthazar? You couldn't have called on Christmas? You couldn't have called on New Year's at midnight? I just don't understand," he sighed, his voice having started out loud and strong, ending soft and weak.

"I was waiting for you to call, love, I wasn't ignoring you. I truly was waiting for you to cool down, but it appears I've made it worse haven't I? I'm sorry love, lesson learned." The voices in the background grow louder, most likely his family as he walked through the house. "I just wanted to let you know that I'll be home this weekend, and that I do love you Castiel. I've missed you."

The call ended.

Castiel let the phone fall from his hand to his lap, staring down at it in disbelief. "I do love you Castiel. I've missed you" played through his mind. Curling into a fetal position in the large overstuffed chair, he cried.

June '06
Castiel woke to the warmth of the setting sun on his face. Groggy and still emotionally drained he sat up and looked around the room. It was filled with nothing but quiet and emptiness.

The sound of his feet patting against the hardwood floors echoed throughout the house as he searched. The two bottom floor bedrooms were empty. Ascending the stairs he checked the bedroom to his right – it too was empty. Balthazar knew there was one room that Castiel hated to go. Staring at the doorway at the end of the bridge, he took a deep breath and slowly walked across it, willing himself not to look over the sides. He had an unusual fear of heights; well fear of falling would make more sense, but both could go hand in hand.

Opening the door to the large bedroom that had been converted into an office for them both, Castiel found Balthazar at his corner of the room, the left hand side which had a window overlooking the front yard. The walls were decorated with framed awards and degrees, posters of various films, and some photos of them together. Castiel's favorite was the one above Balthazar's monitor; the two of them were staring into each other's eyes as the person took their photo. It had been taken on their anniversary.

Balthazar quickly minimized the program he'd been using and turned around at the sound of Castiel entering the room. He pulled Castiel onto his lap when the man was close enough, ruffling his already mussed up hair, followed by nuzzling his neck. Balthazar was in an unusually good mood in spite of the yelling that had taken place hours before, but this was normal for the older man. He was quick to forget any altercations they had and take on a cheery disposition, as if it would make it better for both parties involved. It might make him better, but Castiel always felt the blows for weeks. By the time they faded it was time for more.

Kissing his fiancé, Castiel rested his head on Balthazar's shoulder, humming contently. Balthazar never knew Castiel faked forgiveness and it made life easier. If Balthazar thought things were better between them it would be one less argument they would have to have.

"I'm sorry for getting mad at you, I shouldn't have yelled, especially when I know how much you hate loud voices. I love you." Balthazar muttered into Castiel's neck, his lips like feathers on Castiel's neck.

Castiel felt his body relax into Balthazar's at the gesture. "It's okay Balthy; I shouldn't have pushed the issue or questioned you. You always have our best interests in mind. I love you too." He wrapped his arms around Balthazar's neck when he felt his body being lifted up. Balthazar carried him all the way to their bedroom, his left arm under Castiel's knees, his right arm supporting his back.

They fucked rough and hard. Balthazar took no notice of Castiel's lack of participation, but at least Balthazar was generous enough to make sure Castiel got off with a quick hand job.

Castiel couldn't say when it started to happen, but his interest in sex had been diminishing. Balthazar was always more than willing to initiate, and Castiel was more than willing to shoot the offer down. Times like these were always an exception. It was better to give in than risk another fight.

After some pillow talk Balthazar fell asleep. Castiel got out of bed, cringing at the feel of dried cum on his skin, and made his way to their en suite bathroom. He turned the water on to the highest heat. The heat eased his sore muscles and washed over the bruises that were beginning to show. He hadn't realized how rough Balthazar had been tonight. His stomach turned but he held it back.

Oh, how he wished he could just get up and leave, right now. Just leave. There was nothing stopping him from packing up his clothes and driving back home. Not one goddamn thing. So why was it that the idea brought on another wave of nausea?

Picking up his bath sponge he covered it in his favorite body wash and scrubbed. He scrubbed his already red skin raw. He scrubbed to rid himself of the hate he felt – the hate for the man sleeping in the other room and the hate toward himself. He loved Balthazar, it wasn't right for him to feel anything else. He continued to scrub until he noticed blood on the shower floor, watching it wash down the drain.

Dropping the sponge in defeat he turned the water off. Stepping out onto the bathmat he grabbed the nearest towel and wrapped it around his waist. Footprints mixed with water and blood trailed into the bedroom and stopped at the bed. Castiel lay down on his side, ignoring the fact that he soaking the sheets through. He lay and stared at the face of the man beside him.

He knew that lying in this state of undress was probably going to act as an open invention to Balthazar. If he slept with one piece of clothing removed Balthazar would take it as Castiel wanting sex. Castiel only hoped that if Balthazar did, that he'd just do it without waking him. It's not like Castiel really cared anymore. His body was Balthazar's.

April '06
They had been living together nearly eight months when Balthazar was offered a job in the western mountain region of North Carolina. Castiel was hesitant about being so far away from Anna, but decided to bite the bullet and told Balthazar he'd move with him. When he told Anna, well, she couldn't hold back her feelings any longer. She exploded, telling him that he was making the biggest mistake of his life. That Balthazar was an asshole and didn't deserve to be with him. Castiel cut her off with the slam of the front door as he left.

The U-Haul they rented was filled with 85% of Balthazar's belongings, which Castiel was okay with. Since he'd been living with Anna for so long before Balthazar, he really didn't have that much to begin with, and Balthazar already had most of the items they needed. He just knew their house was going to be perfect.

Their house.

Castiel grinned like a fool the rest of the way; he couldn't believe they were finally getting a place together. Sure they'd been living together, but it was Balthazar's place first and foremost. Now, now this was theirs.

The place was fucking gorgeous! Castiel stared, jaw dropped, at the two-story country style house. It must be a mistake. Maybe Balthazar got the address wrong. Maybe the stupid GPS got them lost. Maybe Balthazar and the GPS were both bonkers. Because this – there was no way either of them could afford to live in a place like this.

As if reading his mind, Balthazar looked over at Castiel sheepishly. "My parents just might have helped with the finances. We'll be paying the rent and all utilities, but yes, this is ours." Turning to face him, Balthazar grabbed his hands and kissed the knuckles. "Please tell me you like it."

Castiel looked between the house and Balthazar several times before Balthazar's last six words registered. "Oh, I don't like it." He smirked at the shocked expression on Balthazar's face. "I love it! I just can't believe – I mean – I just –" Castiel jerked his hands from Balthazar's grasp and got out of the U-Haul truck, rushing for the house. Balthazar got out and followed Castiel, hanging back to watch the younger man run up the steps to the porch.

The metal roof was a shade of red that fit into the scenery around it. Three windows were housed at even intervals, designating the three rooms that were surely on the second floor. The porch ran the length of the front of the house, six wooded pillars were held up by slabs of stones. Castiel was shocked by the fact that the front door was actually double doors. Pushing them open he nearly fainted at what he saw.

The cathedral ceiling was met half way up by a bridge. A fucking bridge! The kitchen to the left of the foyer was small in comparison to the rest of the house, but the large dining/living room more than made up for it. Under the bridge was an entry way on the left and right. The right, after opening all the doors, housed two bedrooms and a full bath. The bedroom facing the backyard actually had a door that opened to the porch. Turning around and rushing to the other entry way he found the master suite. The sound that came from his mouth he would deny later on, even if Balthazar had witnessed it. The chuckle from behind him let him know that Balthazar would never let it down.

Like the other bedroom, the master had a door that led out to the porch. Directly opposite that door was an opening that housed two walk-in closets, one of the left and right of him. Keeping straight was the master bath and Castiel spun around before running out to check the other door he saw. It only led to the laundry room, so he headed for the stairs. In his haste he slid across the hardwood floors, grasping the stair railing before slamming into the wall.

At the top of the stairs he turned right. The door to his right held a linen closet, the left a bathroom, and straight ahead was a bedroom that ran from the front to the back of the house. The window facing the front had a window seat and Castiel could imagine this being a library where he'd sit and read, right there.

Coming out he started making his way across the bridge carefully, forcing himself not to look down, just straight ahead. Reaching the end he opened the door. This room was the same as the last, but without a window seat, and the lack of bathroom and linen closet gave more space. Suddenly arms hugged him from behind and a kiss was placed on his head.

"C'mon, you haven't seen the best part." Balthazar held his hand and led him back across the bridge, down the stairs, and across the living room. Castiel took note of the fireplace in the far right corner. He was led out a set of double doors and onto a screened covered porch. The view took his breath away.

The trees clustered together appearing to be green and brown clouds. The trees were in the midst of growing their spring foliage. Just beyond them was a blend of rounded and sharp peaks, the sight took his breath away.

"Oh, Balthazar, I – I – oh I love it! I love you!" Spinning around he hugged the man behind him, kissing him with such force their teeth clicked together. They eventually got around to unpacking, but first they had to christen the back porch, the living room floor, the kitchen counter, and the master bath. The latter ended up being embarrassing when they realized they didn't have any clothes or towels, but the feeling didn't last long when they took advantage of their state of undress.

October '08
Castiel felt funny. His arms kept tingling and the urge to rub them wouldn't stop. When it appeared it wouldn't stop he called Anna in a panic. She advised him to contact a neurologist, just in case. It had been years since he'd been on any type of medication, but after an EEG picked up some activity, he was back on Lamictal.

Per the usual, once his dosage was settled and his body became adjusted to the medicine, he began to feel better. His mood improved and his waves of depression began to lessen. His feelings toward Balthazar grew more positive, and he began to argue less. Sure they still had their disagreements, but Castiel was less likely to egg him on.

Sex came back into the picture, but it was never normal. Or what Balthazar considered normal. Castiel just shrugged and said he'd try.

January '10
Several months of taking his medicine he began to feel better and decided he didn't need it any longer.

Things got worse again.

They yelled and Balthazar lost would his temper. Castiel would hide. At some point they ended up having to switch to paper plates. Castiel had thrown all of their porcelain plates at a wall during a fit of anger. Balthazar lashed out and Castiel hid. Balthazar began to spend more time in the office and Castiel wandered the lower floor alone.

Castiel confided in Hannah, a co-worker he'd quickly befriended in the office he worked at. They talked about everything regarding the other's relationship, very little was kept from the other. It was after a night of arguing with Balthazar that Castiel told Hannah of his doubts in the relationship.

"Do you love him?" she asked, leaning against his desk, arms folded across her chest. She and Castiel had been friends for nearly two years now, but only a year ago had they started bringing up relationship troubles. Hannah herself was dealing with a troublesome fiancé, and she knew Castiel's answer would make her next move easier to choose.

He sighed and rubbed his hands across his face in frustration. "I don't know, Hanna," was the muffled reply from behind his hands. "I should though, I shouldn't be questioning it, but I just don't know!" His hands fell to his lap and when he looked up his eyes were already becoming rimmed with tears.

Hanna pulled Castiel into her arms and hugged him tightly, rubbing his back comfortingly. "You have to decide, Castiel. You can't just stay in a loveless relationship. You deserve better." She felt him tense up under her touch and questioned it.

"It's nothing, just, someone said something similar to me a long time ago," he said with a weak smile. "Now tell me about you and Ion, are you too having doubts?"

Castiel cocked his head to the side, knowing the motion would always bring a smile to her face. And it did. She confessed to having doubts and feared that Ion was cheating on her. They talked through her problems, and it wasn't long after that that Hannah called off the engagement because of the reasons she feared.

Castiel prayed that he wouldn't have to go through the same circumstance.

It was during the passing week that Balthazar began to be more attentive to Castiel. It was like when they had first starting dating, when he was treated like the most treasured thing in life. Castiel didn't have to question his feelings for the man; he loved him and could never leave him.

May '11
It was their 6th year anniversary. It was a day that Castiel would never forget. It was a day that Castiel wanted to forget.

They had spent the entire day together, not really doing anything in particular, just spending some needed time with each other. Balthazar had been working late hours and by the time he got home Castiel was already asleep. The only time they saw each other was in passing each morning, but even then it was brief.

Each night a knot would form in his stomach, he hadn't felt it since Crowley had left him, when he knew something was wrong. He ignored it and shoved it deep down. Balthazar would never do such a thing. Balthazar loved him.

Staring into the blue eyes of the man above him he knew he was wrong to think that Balthazar would cheat on him. With a fake smile and a sigh he let Balthazar have his way with him. It was the least he could do since it had been nearly a month since they'd last had sex.

Castiel woke up to an empty bed. Looking at the clock on his bedside table he saw it was 1:17 in the morning. Stretching with a groan he made his way through the house half asleep. After searching the lower floor he headed up the stairs and stopped at the entry way on the right. The sound of Balthazar's voice came from the other side of the door, followed by a moan of pleasure. His hand froze over the door knob; maybe Balthazar was being courteous and jerking off upstairs instead of waking him up.

"Oh love, just like that. Yes, yes, oh I'm gonna cum!" Balthazar let out a deep throaty moan just as Castiel opened the door, wanting to witness Balthazar cum at the thought of him touching himself.

What Castiel didn't expect was for Balthazar to be holding a phone in one hand while his other was wrapped around his cock. He dropped the phone just as he came in his hand. The sound of another man moaning Balthazar's name could be heard. It was muffled from the way the phone landed on the floor but it was audible enough.

Balthazar scooped up the phone with his clean hand, telling the other person he'd call them back, before looking over at Castiel helplessly.

"I – I – I can't believe you! I just can't understand!" he screamed in pain as he turned and ran down the stairs. It wasn't long before Balthazar could be heard chasing after him, calling his name.

He pushed open the doors and ran down the steps from the porch to the lower deck; he stopped at the last set of steps and dropped down. His lungs burned as panic sat in, he couldn't catch his breath. He was hyperventilating.

A hand rubbed his back as someone sat down beside him. He wanted to push away and disappear but his body refused to work. So he let the body pull him closer and focused on calming himself down. It wasn't long before his breathing settled and he pushed Balthazar away.

"Don't act like that's going to make any of this okay, because things will NEVER be okay! I need to get away from you before I do something stupid," snapped Castiel. Standing up, he ran along the side of the house toward the front. Ducking into the kitchen to grab his keys, he jumped into his car and drove off.

At least he waited until it wasn't technically our anniversary, he thought as he sped aimlessly down winding roads, tears blinding him. Deep inside he hoped he'd just wreck and rid himself of this misery.

He wasn't that lucky.

Edited on November 5, 2014