A/N: This chapter is crap. Just gonna be honest here, because I originally didn't want to do a chapter like this, but I heard a couple of songs and well... here we are. I was also rushed with this one because my boss has decided to give me the most fucked up schedule I've had in a long time. I'll be lucky if next chapter is out on time. Oie. Anyway, thanks to the new followers and LoveYourself845 because you're awesome ;)

Chapter Six
No One Knows What It's Like To Be The Bad Man

Balthazar's POV

March '11
Balthazar sat outside on the screened-in back porch, sipping his coffee, and rocking in one of the two chairs Castiel had recently purchased. He had already dressed for the day in a pair of black slacks and dress shoes, a white dress shirt which he had left untucked, and a black tweed jacket with silver buckles on the shoulder. The coffee and spring sun warmed him. He loved this time of year, especially in this region. Back home he'd be in two feet of snow, but here it had been pleasant and no snow had fallen quite yet. Though that wasn't to say it wouldn't happen. The trees around the house were fighting for their right to bear foliage; the blindingly bright sun sent out its encouragement. A light breeze had him pulling his jacket closer to his slender muscular frame; he knew if Castiel found him out here he'd do nothing but nag and fuss. Luckily Castiel wouldn't be awake for another three hours. Luckily this gave him some time to relax before heading into work.

Finishing up the last drops of coffee in his mug he sat it down on the wooden planks of the porch and smiled up at the sky. A soft shade of azure blue, a shade of blue only seen this time of year, a shade of blue he thought only existed in the skies. Oh how he had been proven wrong a week ago.

The day had been more hectic than usual. People were rescheduling at the last minute, patients were showing up late, and other patients were showing up early and then becoming impatient. He was surprised he wasn't bald from all the hair pulling he had been doing. The only thing he wanted to do right now was get home. He just hoped that Castiel was in a reasonable mood. He couldn't take another fight over something they wouldn't remember an hour later, or at least he wouldn't. Castiel, on the other hand, seemed to never forget.

Grabbing the chart from the door, he knocked and entered before getting a response. He made a beeline for his chair, not looking up at his patient. His name was Adam Milligan, age 18, and had sustained a medial malleolus fracture several months ago during a car crash. Closing the chart he finally got a look at his patient, and God help him he was glad he was sitting down. The boy was perfect in every way; everything around him meant nothing at this moment, just as long as those blue eyes stayed on him. His hair was light brown with blonde highlights and looked as if he just ran some hair product through it and called it a day. The boy – Adam – had the most kissable lips he had ever seen. Naturally pink with a bottom lip that just begged to be tugged on, and at that moment that was all Balthazar wanted to do. Adam was slender and Balthazar didn't know if it was a façade or if there were actual muscles underneath all those layers of clothing.

A cough broke him out of his trance. It was then he realized he'd been staring at Adam for entirely too long to be considered professional. Gaining his composure he stood up and asked the standard questions as he took Adam's shoes and socks off. Placing his hands on each ankle he began to massage them as he asked about the accident, what he hoped to gain from today's visit and those in the near future. Adam's voice was deep, not as deep as Castiel's – Balthazar pushed that thought away – but deep enough to cause his cock to twitch. By the end of their hour long appointment Balthazar was painfully hard. He suggested Adam schedule an appointment for next week.

The whole ride home found him grinning like an idiot when he learned the boy had. Balthazar tried not to read too much into it, but his dick had other plans. He hoped Castiel wouldn't mind having sex tonight. God knows his hand wouldn't be enough.

It was during the last week of March when Balthazar asked Adam out for lunch, which just so happened to be at the end of their appointment. After some persuading Adam said yes, though it was with some reluctance. Balthazar knew Adam was bi and Adam knew Balthazar was engaged, so he assured Adam that this was just lunch between two friends.

Balthazar knew about Castiel's history and issues with trust, he wasn't going to let his attraction to a younger man – a boy – interfere with that. He also wasn't going to mention this fact to him because he knew it would lead to a fight. Jealousy and trust issues never were a good mix.

Not far from his office was a small diner that was always busy this time of day, but they managed to grab the only available table. A table which just so happened to be located in the back corner. After ordering their food they sat in uncomfortable silence.

Balthazar had to keep reminding himself that this wasn't a date, even though there was tension building around them. His dress shoes rubbed against Adam's sneakers – unintentionally of course – and soon Adam was rubbing his leg against Balthazar's, denim contrasting against wool. They both avoided making eye contact once their food arrived. Both knew this was wrong.

That didn't stop Balthazar from giving Adam his business card, his personal cell number on the back.

Through the day Balthazar let the guilt eat away at him, knowing that once he got home he would have to forget about everything that occurred. He couldn't let on that something had happened; Castiel had the nose of a blood hound when it came to shit like that.

That night while Balthazar was upstairs in the office, Castiel downstairs watching TV, his phone rang. He was surprised that Adam had called this soon and he didn't complain, though he groaned in frustration when Adam confessed to having forgotten to schedule an appointment for the following week. Balthazar said he'd handle it and with a "good night, see you next week" the call was over. He felt guilty for having wished the call had been more, but he didn't when he thought of Adam's voice.

April '11
Balthazar and Adam continued to have their lunch dates after Adam's oh –so–conveniently scheduled appointments. It wasn't a surprise when the two started having lunch on days when Adam didn't have any reason to be nearby. It just became a thing they did – as friends, of course.

Soon it wasn't enough for the two and they started to meet later in the evening. Balthazar would call Castiel to tell him he'd be staying late at the office to do paperwork. He told himself that even though it was totally platonic, Castiel would be jealous.

So he lied.

He lied to spare Castiel's feelings, because Castiel wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand that Balthazar could be faithful when he was alone with a very attractive, very young, very kind hearted male. He wouldn't understand that Balthazar could control his urges to rip the boy's clothes off at a moment's notice. No, Castiel just wouldn't understand, because Castiel didn't trust him.

Balthazar kept telling himself that as he looked down at the blonde haired boy on his knees in front of him. Balthazar had never given Castiel a reason not to trust him, so why not make the best of those accusations. Any guilty feelings he may have felt were quickly eradicated as Adam brought him to what he swears was the best orgasm of his life.

Adam knew this wasn't right.

He held Balthazar's hand in his, the silver band glinting in the sun. Balthazar never took it off – no matter what. They had stopped going out for lunch and now would rush off to Adam's place for a quickie. Balthazar didn't want to draw too much attention by constantly coming home late. It was after one of their "sessions" that Balthazar began to talk about Castiel. About how much he loved him and that the knowledge of all this going on behind his back – well it would kill him.

That fact didn't set well with him so he subtly started pulling back from Balthazar. He'd make an excuse to cancel an afternoon date, he'd stop answering calls, not returning calls or replying to texts – just overall avoiding him. No matter what he felt for the older man it wasn't worth hurting someone else, especially if the person was as emotionally unstable as Balthazar said. If something were to happen to Castiel, he knew it would be his fault just as much as Balthazar's.

It wasn't long before Balthazar had had enough. Sure he wasn't much for communication, but this was bullshit and he couldn't for the life of him think of what could have happened to make Adam start avoiding him. That's what found him knocking on Adam's door, ready to confront him. What he saw when the door opened was heartbreaking.

Adam stood before him with dark bags under his eyes, his skin sickeningly pale, and his slender frame now gauntly. Balthazar felt his heart shatter as he gathered the boy in his arms. He couldn't understand why Adam had put himself through this torment.

Pulling back he kneeled before Adam, placing his hands on Adam's hips, taking note of the way the bones protruded from weight loss.

"Adam – Darling – I just – What happened? One day we're fine and then it's like a switch was flipped and you want nothing to do with me. I can tell you're hurting more than I am, so why? Why are you doing this to yourself? To us?"

The pain in Adam's eyes was laced with vindication and it cut through Balthazar's heart like a knife. This was it.

"I can't be the other person any more. It's not fair to Castiel, and if something were to happen to him because of us and this" – he gestured his hand between the two of them – "I couldn't live with myself. So please understand that I want to be with you, my God how I want to be with you, but the pain I feel doesn't compare to what he'll feel. You have to feel the same way. If you have a heart you'll feel the same way, and you'll leave. I'll always be here for you as a friend, but I can't be anything more than that – not anymore."

Wrenching himself away from Balthazar's tightening grasp he stepped back, wrapping his arms protectively around his body. "So please go, Balthazar, go before I change my mind… and just remember one thing." He deeply inhaled, his body visibly shaking as he held back the tears on the verge of streaming down his cheeks. "I will always care about you and nothing will ever change that."

Turning around he made his way to his room, trusting Balthazar not to follow him.

He broke down when he heard the click of the front door.

Down in the parking lot, in his car, Balthazar did the same.

May '11
He never knew he could feel a pain like this. Adam had become like a drug to him, and the withdrawals were like a massacre to his heart. When he had met Castiel he thought he had found the true meaning of love, he had never felt that way with anyone before – until now. His feelings for Adam made what he felt for Castiel look like puppy love.

His days were spent staying at work for as long as possible, his nights avoiding Castiel. He just couldn't look at the man he had promised to marry, when his heart was being shared with another, albeit unevenly, but shared nonetheless.

Balthazar wasn't avoiding Castiel as much anymore, and though he still missed Adam, he decided to start mending his prior relationship. This is why he found himself curled up on the couch watching a movie on this particular Saturday night, the dark haired man stretched out with his head on Balthazar's lap. Balthazar ran his fingers through the silky strands, smiling with contentment at the feel of home the whole scene brought about him. It wasn't long before the movie became ignored, Balthazar on top of Castiel grinding his hips against his. He couldn't remember the last time that Castiel had actually engaged in their love making, and he wasn't about to question it.

The tiny mewl from below him egged Balthazar on and he made quick work of their shirts, kissing and biting his way down Castiel's chest, following his treasure trail to stop at the top of his jeans. Balthazar groaned when he looked up and was met with lust filled eyes, pupils blown and rimmed with blue. With an aggravated snarl he got off of Castiel and shucked Castiel's pants off, taking his boxers with him. Dropping to his knees he took Castiel down all the way, tiny hairs tickling his nose as he deep throated his fiancé.

Castiel grabbed the arm rest behind him with one hand and thrust his hips up, but Balthazar took control of the situation and held his hips down. Placing his other hand on Balthazar's head Castiel dug in his fingers, lost in pure bliss he hadn't known in so long –

It was then that the sound of Balthazar's phone went off.

Keeping his fingers entangled in Balthazar's hair, he tightened his grip as he felt the man try to pull up, but Balthazar was still stronger and managed to escape. Castiel's cock slipped from his lips with a loud "pop" and Castiel groaned in exasperation when Balthazar winked at him.

"You better come back and finish what you started, or I'll finish without you!" Castiel screamed after him, hand wrapped around his cock, stroking it leisurely.

"Alright, alright, just let me get the bloody phone. Damn keep your pants on – oh wait."

He rolled his eyes as Castiel howled in laughter. He had forgotten how much fun Castiel could be when they were like this. "Would you be quiet in there so I can answer this thing? Fucking child… Hello? This better be bloody important because if not –"

"Balthazar?"

The world stopped.

Adam.

Why was Adam calling now? Out of all the times, he just had to call now!

"Balthazar, are you there?" Adam questioned hesitantly over the line.

"Balthy, are you coming back or do I have to finish what you started?!"

"Oh. I'm guessing that's Castiel. I'll just – I shouldn't have called." The hurt in Adam's voice brought Balthazar back to the present. Rushing outside to the porch he ignored Castiel calling him, blocking out the hurt and confusion that he knew was etched in each call of his name.

"Don't ever say that Adam. I'm glad you called; it was just a shock… I haven't heard from you in –"

"In two weeks, I know. I couldn't take it anymore, Bal, and well… Honestly I thought you would have called me, but when you didn't… Well, it doesn't matter anymore." Adam's voice had a mixture of sorrow, hope, and something else that Balthazar couldn't describe.

Balthazar could hear Castiel approaching the door and he really didn't want to deal with the two of them at the same time. "Meet me at our spot in the park, 20 minutes." He quickly hung up and swung open the door just as Castiel placed his hand on the door handle.

"I have to go."

Resting his elbows on his knees, he cradled his face in his hands. The look of hurt on Castiel's face as he ran out the house with barely any explanation made him feel like shit – hell lower than shit. But what choice did he have? He had just grabbed a shirt, it might have been his or Castiel's, and left.

He leaned into the comforting hand on his shoulder, having missed that touch more than he thought he would. Lifting his head and turning, he wrapped himself around Adam. This had to be a dream. This couldn't be real.

"It's not a dream Bal, and it most certainly is real. Damn, I've missed you so fucking much." Before Balthazar could question how Adam had become a damn mind reader he found his lips covered by the boys, and it didn't matter anymore. He had Adam, and Adam wanted him back. They would deal with all the details later because for right now, he just wanted to reacquaint himself with every inch of Adam's body.

It didn't take long before they were back to their old routine and it didn't take long before Balthazar was on the receiving end of Castiel's non-stop bitching. He found it odd that without Adam he had never noticed how much Castiel nagged; it was as if the boy opened his eyes to everything around him. That was just one of the many things he loved about the boy.

Yes, he loved him.

And today he was going to grow a pair and tell him.

Too bad he forgot to check a damn calendar.

Castiel exited the bathroom wearing a pair of faded jeans, navy blue tee that brought out the blue in his eyes, a pair of black Chucks, and a raised eyebrow at Balthazar. Balthazar was wearing something similar to his work outfit, but it was a Saturday, and Balthazar was off today.

"Are we going to different places today? Because I thought the whole idea of spending our anniversary together, was actually spending our anniversary together. So unless the 6th year anniversary gift has changed to the gift of absence, I'd like to know where you're going."

Balthazar rolled his eyes but he made sure Castiel didn't see it. God knows he didn't want to be castrated today, and the look he was getting right now made him want to hide any and all sharp objects in the house.

Pouting and drawing Castiel closer to him, he nuzzled the man's neck and explained that he had planned on doing something extravagant (lie). "I'll change if you just want hang out today, because really love, I don't mind." He thanked every deity when he saw the bomb become defused. He would live to see another day.

They ended up hanging around the house and grilling steaks for dinner, while enjoying the stars later in the night. Afterwards, Balthazar led Castiel to their room where they both worshiped each other. Balthazar made sure to wear Castiel out, and he counted the job a success when Castiel was asleep before midnight.

It was close to 12:30 when he called Adam from the upstairs bedroom. Adam had agreed to try having phone sex for the first time tonight, and even though Balthazar had wanted to confess his feelings, it would just have to take a back seat for now. They spent some time talking about how each other's day had been before getting down to business. Balthazar found it hard to believe that Adam had never done this before, because DAMN! He thought he was going to die from the torture, but then he thought he was going to die when the door opened and his heart dropped.

The look on Castiel's face was one he never wanted to see again. Too bad he'd see much worse through the summer.

June '11
He hated Castiel.

He loved Castiel.

He just wanted Castiel to get over it!

Why couldn't Castiel just be… something that wasn't this!

He watched as the man sat on the couch staring at the blank TV, not moving. After confessing to everything involving Adam, Castiel had been pissed, but then he just… stopped. He barely ate, but he did manage to go to work with some coercing from Hannah. It pissed Balthazar off that Castiel acted like it was killing him. Castiel didn't trust himself so why be surprised when someone else turned out to be untrustworthy.

It was the night of the 15th. Castiel came home late from work when Adam called Balthazar. Watching him go into the bedroom with a bag, Balthazar stepped outside to talk with his boyfriend before dragging his ass inside to talk to Castiel about his day. After fifteen minutes on the phone he went inside to the quiet house, which was odd because usually the sound of some late night show would be on, even if Castiel wasn't watching it.

Balthazar called out his name as he neared the room, hoping that he was in the shower, even though it wasn't logical since there was no water running. Calling out again he still didn't get a reply. Clinching the phone in his hand he entered the room, and it didn't matter how tightly he held it, because the phone instantly hit the floor.

"CASTIEL!"

Edited on November 7, 2014