A/N: So I probably could have split this up... multiple times... but I didn't. Because honestly I'm ready for Castiel to get happy. So if you don't like long chapters, then um... this 10K chapter may not be for you. Sorry.
Trigger Warnings: Self-harm - cutting using glass, burning. OD attempt - pills. Emotional abuse/manipulation - in my opinion (discretion is advised).
Now, I'd to thank all those who have reviewed, favorited, and followed. I still find it hard to believe that people are actually reading this! So thank you from the bottom of my tiny, cold, beating heart. And special thanks to LoveYourself845 for reading bits and pieces of this chapter as I wrote it, and for being so encouraging. *HUGS*
Chapter Seven
Inside My Silent Asylum
Leave me out with the waste this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It's the wrong time but she's pulling me through
It's a small crime and I've got no excuse
Castiel stared out the window of Balthazar's car, focusing mainly on the lyrics of the song playing in the background instead of the words spouting from the man's lips. He smirked at the happenstance of this song playing at this exact moment and it wasn't long before Balthazar caught on. With an angry jab to the controls, he turned the radio off.
"Wow, attacking inanimate objects now? I'm sure the radio meant to play that just to piss you off, didn't it Balthazar." Casting a side glance toward Balthazar he inwardly cringed at the look on the other man's face. He knew Balthazar would never hit him, but it didn't stop him from being overly cautious. Especially now.
Exasperated, Balthazar ran his hands over his face, wishing the man beside him would just listen to him. But no, he just had to be stubborn. He used to admire the trait, but at this moment he wished it would fuck off. Everything he was trying to say was hitting a brick wall.
"I understand you're upset but can we please go inside. You've barely eaten in four days and it's your –"
Castiel got out of the car and slammed the door so hard the windows rattled. Balthazar cringed and held back the expletives he wanted to yell out, but the last thing they needed was a bigger scene being made. At least he got the man out of the car; it was one step in the right direction.
Castiel glared at Balthazar as he sipped his water and nibbled on a french fry, Balthazar was eating a burger and acting as if nothing was wrong. Castiel wanted to kick him in the balls and storm out just to get some reaction out of the man, consequences be damned.
"Aren't you going to eat more?" Balthazar inquired with a raised eyebrow, setting his burger down. Castiel stared him defiantly in the eyes while violently tearing a fry in half with his teeth.
"No."
Balthazar frowned, perplexed and yet unfazed by the man's reaction. He also wasn't surprised when his begging resulted in a vulgar "no, now fuck off."
With a sigh he dropped the subject; worry flashing through his eyes so fast Castiel missed it entirely. Not that he would have given a damn anyway. Leaning back in his chair, Castiel watched all the happy couples around him. Did we ever look like that, he thought.
Give my gun away when it's loaded - Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it - Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Well, happy 28th birthday to me, he wished himself.
Balthazar surely hadn't.
June '11
After that every day became harder to get through. All Castiel could think about was Balthazar that night, the night his life should have just ended. The pain was becoming too intense and people at work were becoming impatient with him, but he was ashamed and kept it in. Not even Hannah knew. Hannah was happy now and didn't need to hear about his crappy love life. He didn't want to tell Anna because she would try and make him come back home to stay with her. And possibly kill Balthazar. No, he had to keep quiet and deal with this on his own. No matter what, no one would ever know.
There had been a time when Castiel went through a bout of insomnia, and instead of going to the doctor he decided to start taking a sleep aid. It kind of helped, so he kept what was left over just in case the problem ever arose again. It stayed in the medicine cabinet wedged in between some pain relievers and vitamins; they were pretty easy to miss. Almost as easy as the night time pain relievers that were behind them. Castiel preferred them the most anyway.
It was a Saturday afternoon and Balthazar was preoccupied with… something. Probably Adam related, Castiel thought with a snort. Castiel had spent the better half of the afternoon being ignored and though he should have been used to it by now, this time it was different, it felt different.
Sifting through the medicine cabinet he found the bottle of sleep aid he had been using. Gripping it tightly he ran into the living room, listening to make sure Balthazar was still distracted. When all he heard was Balthazar on the phone, probably with Adam, a tiny voice inside him said, he made a detour into the kitchen for a bottle of water, and headed back into the bedroom.
Settling under the sheets and comforter he stared at the bottle of pills before dropping it and opening the water. He then set it down and made quick work of the pill bottle, placing it beside the water. The two bottles stood together, taunting him, calling his bluff.
He was scared.
There was no denying it, not now anyway, but it would be too late soon enough.
Taking a deep, shaky breath he poured as many pills as he could into his hand, then washed them down with the bottle of water. Placing everything back on the table he straightened them once again before burrowing down under the comforter and falling asleep.
"Castiel! Castiel! CASTIEL!"
He groaned and muttered "shut the fuck up" into his pillow. He would have flipped the person off if he had the strength to lift his finger. He had been quite content sleeping in the warm, soft bed where all the bad things of the world didn't exist.
His dreams let him forget everything. He wanted to forget all the shit that had been going on, because that had been a nightmare and he needed dreams now. He needed – a towel?
Castiel bolted up right in the bed, clothes and bed linens now completely soaked through. Standing to his left was a very pissed and very worried Balthazar holding a water pitcher in one hand, a phone in the other. Balthazar placed the pitcher on the table beside him as he told the person on the phone "he's awake, I'll call you later."
Castiel wiggled out from under the wet bed things, grimacing as the cold air in the house hit him. He couldn't have used warm water could he, Castiel thought.
"Good to know you felt the need to involve Adam in waking me up. I'm about to get some dry clothes on, you might want to call him back so you can involve him in my fashion choices," Castiel muttered as he staggered toward the linen closet for a towel. He really wanted to go back to sleep.
"Oh for Heaven's sake – Cas – " Balthazar grabbed his arm and steered him back toward the bed. "It wasn't Adam, it was your mum. And that's not important right now. No, right now you're gonna tell me how many fucking pills you took." He held Castiel down on the foot of the bed, the younger man struggling to escape.
"I don't have to tell you shit!"
Castiel managed to shove Balthazar away and started stripping at the linen closet. "And I'd like to get a fucking towel before I catch a cold, because someone thought it'd be a brilliant idea to dump COLD WATER on me!"
A few towels fell off the shelf at the force Castiel used to take one down. Castiel chose to ignore them and slammed the door. He squeaked as the towel he was preparing to dry his hair with disappeared, only to have it reappear – with hands – massaging his head.
"That's because your stupid ass wouldn't wake up! Now would you stay still so I can dry you off?" Balthazar moved down his body with the towel, his skin slowly warming under his surprisingly tender touch. "Are you going to tell me how many pills you took? I could call Anna back, but I know you wouldn't tell her anyway, so it wouldn't make much of a point. And you wouldn't want to worry her would you? So please…"
Castiel looked Balthazar in the eyes as the man stood; now drying his chest. He steeled his expression and pushed him away. How many times had he been doing this since they'd been together?
"I already told you, you pig headed ass, I don't have to tell you shit. Now leave me alone. You're an expert at ignoring me, go put it to use."
Turning around he could feel Balthazar roll his eyes. Castiel rolled his own in response. As he dressed in his closet he heard Balthazar rummaging around in the bathroom, the ruffling of a plastic bag being heard under the bang of the medicine cabinet door. It wasn't long before Balthazar passed him with a trash bag and a smug expression. Holding up the bag he waved it triumphantly.
"Since you won't talk to me, then I'm not giving you the option of doing shit like that again. No medicine is allowed in this house unless it's prescribed. Got a headache? Too fucking bad. Sniffles? Grab a box of tissues and tough it out. I know you Castiel, and I won't have you dying on me. Not if I can stop it."
Castiel followed Balthazar as he went outside to dump the bag in the garbage.
Poor deluded man, thinking he could outsmart a Milton. Leaning against the doorway the wheels began working, gears clicking. No one ever told Castiel what to do, especially so condescendingly.
Screw you, Balthazar.
It's no use, why should I hold on?
It's been five years, don't need one more
So goodbye, life's abuse
He wondered if maybe he had meant for it to get this far as he lay in the hospital bed, the steady beep of the machine beside him making him want to throw it out the door. He had a feeling the nurse at his door probably wouldn't like that though and it might make things worse.
Deciding to make the best of the situation he settled in for a nap, because honestly there was nothing else to do. As he drifted off to the sound of the monitor all he could think was that this was Balthazar's fault. Everything was Balthazar's fucking fault.
Castiel started having trouble sleeping.
Balthazar would stay up late and then get up early for work. He couldn't remember the last time they slept together, actually went to sleep together. Balthazar had stopped propositioning him for sex; the fact was a minute tingling in the back of his brain. Castiel knew he was losing him. Now he couldn't sleep, and sleep was one thing he could at least control.
So one night Castiel went out to pick up some take-out food – Chinese to be exact. On the way to the restaurant he made a detour by the pharmacy to pick up a bottle of night time pain relievers. Balthazar wasn't going to stop him from doing what he wanted. After picking up the food he headed home, making sure to leave the bottle in the car when he took everything else inside. Balthazar wasn't the snooping type (that was Castiel's key trait) but it was better to be safe than sorry.
That night things were normal. Well, normal in their case. After dinner Balthazar thanked him for the lovely meal and Castiel scoffed as he was kissed on the cheek. Balthazar then made his way upstairs to the office. The only time he came down after that was to grab a drink or check on Castiel, as if he needed to be monitored. In between these "monitoring's" he slipped out to his car and took three pills. He'd already prepared to go to bed so he crawled under the comforter and waited.
He woke up the next morning not remembering having fallen asleep. That was something he could definitely get used to do.
It didn't take long before three just didn't cut it. He upped it to five, then seven, finally stopping at ten.
Ten was euphoric.
Ten was Zen.
Castiel snorted at his own joke and heaved himself up off the couch, staggering when his body became completely vertical. He had stopped taking the pills for the sake of sleeping. Now he took them to feel numb.
Gaining his bearings enough to become mobile, he stumbled in the direction of the bedroom. Once again he was destined to fall asleep alone, but he was numb. So he didn't care. At least, that's what he told himself.
That knowledge, along with the pills, made it easier for him to sleep at night.
June 15th, 2011
Castiel would never forget that day no matter what anyone told him. People forget birthdays, anniversaries, hell even some holidays, but this? No, forgetting this would never be an option.
"Please Balthazar, I promise it's not what you think. But honestly you left me with no other choice! I knew what you'd think if I brought them in the house, so just please understand – "
Castiel slid down the bathroom wall until he found himself sitting on the cold tiles, knees drawn to his chest, his right arm hugging his legs while he clinched his phone in the other. His face was flushed red, tears streaming and cooling his warm cheeks. He couldn't believe he had done something so stupid!
His car had been acting up so Balthazar had offered to take it to the shop by his office, so Castiel drove Balthazar's car to work. He didn't think about Balthazar cleaning out all the loose items before handing the car over. He didn't think about the bottle he had hidden under the driver's seat.
Now he was facing the consequences.
Balthazar drew in a sharp breath, releasing it slowly before speaking. "I did what I had to do last month for a reason, but I guess you just don't get it. So let me make it clear for you, because this is your final chance Castiel. If I find one more pill, ONE MORE PILL, then that's it. I'm gone. No matter what you think I still love you, and this is a difficult time, but I'm not going to stand by and watch you hurt yourself. I love you baby, and I'm not angry with you. Do you understand?"
His tone was like a yo-yo, stern – angry – sympathetic, then back again, but to Castiel it was beginning to mean that Balthazar cared. So he nodded, then realizing that Balthazar couldn't see him, whispered a soft "yes" followed by "I love you" and hung up. Standing up he stuffed his phone back in his pocket and went to the sink to clean up. His co-workers didn't need to see him looking like the shit he was.
The day went on.
Castiel focused on his work while keeping an eye on his phone, willing it to come to life with a text or call. He needed to know that Balthazar wasn't really angry with him, that he wasn't going to leave. An hour or so after lunch his phone buzzed, a text from Balthazar stating that he'd switched their cars out. Castiel's had had a minor hiccup but was running smoothly now. Relieved, yet still anxious, Castiel put his phone away, determined to not let the older man distract him any longer.
It was nearing five when Castiel called Balthazar; he was getting ready to leave for the day and wanted to make sure he didn't need to make a stop on the way in. Looking back it's hard to say what caused it.
The conversation was warm and loving, just like it would be between two people who loved each other, but then it wasn't. Castiel was once again in tears; Balthazar was yelling about something that Castiel had done. No one knew who hung up first.
Dropping the phone on the floor Castiel fell in his chair and fired his computer back to life, instantly heading to google once everything came on. Typing in the keywords and searching, he memorized as much as possible before shutting down his computer once again.
Everything ended tonight.
He drove around town aimlessly, letting his feelings of dejection swallow him whole, feeding the courage he needed now, and definitely later. Pulling into the parking lot of a pharmacy he rushed in and grabbed one of the bigger bottles of night time pain relievers as well as a package of antiemetic. The website had said they would be useful to help fight the body's natural reaction to the acetaminophen overdose.
With shaky hands he took the two items, plus a large bottle of water, to the checkout counter. He couldn't catch the cashiers gaze; she had to know what he had planned for tonight. Why else would someone buy this particular array of items?
Not even hearing the total he handed her his credit card, then muttered a reflexive "have a nice night" to her when he received his card and receipt. Rushing through the parking lot to his car he threw the bag to the passenger seat and sped off. He headed in a direction that wasn't home. He couldn't go there yet.
So he drove.
An hour later he pulled up in front of the house, head lights illuminating the place he'd grown to love over the years. The memories had started to fray and turn dark, but at the beginning they were brilliant and new, warm and full of life. Killing the lights and turning off the car he reached over and took the packages from the bag. Staring at them he muttered "now or never" and tore into them. Opening the bottle of water and setting it in the cup holder he started with the pain relievers first.
What will I remember?
What will I forget?
When this life has ended and gone
What will I regret; if tomorrow I don't wake up, what happens?
My sunrise or sunset?
Staring into the bottle of 100 gelcaps he swallowed down the knot in his throat. Bringing the bottle up to his lips he filled his mouth, then replaced the pill bottle with his water bottle and swallowed. Repeating the process until the bottle of pills was empty. He was already starting to feel woozy and nauseous so he went ahead and took the package of antiemetic. Packing everything back in the bag he headed inside, staggering over the gravel and nearly tripping over the steps.
If I never were born, if I never died, would it even matter at all?
What should I decide?
I always imagined I'd mean something to someone
If I won't, least I tried
Castiel headed toward the bedroom, catching Balthazar's figure in his peripheral vision as he made his way to the back porch. Hurrying before Balthazar could turn around he ducked into the bedroom. At least he thought it was the bedroom.
When my body suffers, when to breathe is pain, is it really madness to sing?
Think of breaking this chain, is the future my – god knows I have a past
Where's my second chapter?
Or will the first, also be my last?
Dropping the bag on the floor he rushed in the direction of the bathroom, one arm wrapped protectively across his middle, the other stretched out to catch his balance.
He didn't make it.
Standing between the closets he vomited, his body shuttering violently from a combination of the drugs and the taste that was being left in his mouth. He wasn't sure how much he had actually managed to get rid of, but the effect was still there. Turning and stumbling to the bed he crawled under the comforter.
His body felt… weird. He didn't like it. He didn't like this feeling anymore.
His brain was foggy, almost as if sleep walking, though he'd never gone to sleep. At least not yet anyway. His limbs were starting to feel tingly; he could imagine hundreds of tiny little spiders crawling under his skin. The thought made his stomach lurch again. He thought this was what he took the antiemetic for! His stomach lurched again but he didn't have the strength to get out of bed, so he didn't.
Is my story over?
If I fall asleep will anybody find me and will anybody weep?
I can't even pretend I care, but songs I never sing, that mean's something
Yes, that mean's something
They were holding him down, but he just wanted to get up. All he wanted to do was sit up! Why wouldn't they let him just sit up?!
He screamed.
They were cutting his shirt, pressing him down harder. Why were they being so mean to him?
Why were they cutting his shirt?
"STOP CUTTING MY SHIRT!"
"Are you going to stay still?"
Castiel didn't know who asked the question but he figured it'd be a smart move to play along so …
"Yes."
The hands were gone, and he was up.
The hands were back, and he was screaming.
He sat up to see a set of double doors open. The humid, June night air made him cringe as it fought the nice cold air of wherever it was he'd been kept. Taking a quick glance around and squinting he realized he was at a hospital. He was in an ambulance, and they had just pulled up to the ER.
The first time Castiel woke up he felt like he had just been hit by a wrecking ball, ran over by a steam roller, then an 18-wheeler, the steam roller AGAIN, and then sat on by a sumo wrestler.
With a groan he sat up – well he tried but was met with some resistance. That's when he noticed the IV's stuck in his arm. As he followed the line to the bag he noticed something else – well someone else.
"Mom, what are you doing here?"
Anna smiled, her eyes crinkled at the edges in a way that showed she wasn't entirely happy. There was sympathy there – pity, to be exact. Looking around he noticed Balthazar was there too, standing further away from the bed and leaning against the wall. He looked like he'd rather be anywhere else but there. The look said that if Anna weren't there, he'd be giving Castiel a piece of his mind. Castiel shivered and instantly grimaced as pain radiated through his head.
Forgetting the question, he lowered his head and Anna was at his side, running her fingers through his hair in a comforting motion. "Are you alright sweetie?"
"Yeah, just got a killer headache all of a sudden."
"I wonder why. It certainly couldn't have had anything do with all the seizures you suffered last night," Balthazar snarled, sarcasm dripping like venom.
Castiel flinched, and Anna glared at Balthazar while pushing the nurse's call button to request some medicine for Castiel's headache. It wasn't long after he got the medicine that he fell back asleep.
Anna moved in on Balthazar like a lioness protecting her cub.
The second time he woke up he was in a different room, alone. Well, not entirely alone. A nurse sat in the doorway doing a crossword puzzle, bored and unaware that he'd awoken. Not that it mattered since he was asleep a moment later.
The third time he woke up Anna was there. She sat beside the bed watching some home improvement show on HGTV (her new thing now), and jumped when Castiel groaned as he sat up. His body was stiff and sore and he wanted to get out of this damn place and go home. He must have said it a loud because Anna gave him that smile. It was the smile from earlier when he woke up the first time.
"What? What's going on? Am I not going home?" He knew he was panicking. If he had been hooked up to one of those heart monitor thingies it would be going off the charts.
Anna stood up and held him tight, rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him down. Her voice was soft as she spoke, as if speaking to a frightened woodland creature. "Honey, right now the doctors are looking at two options for you. What you did, well it did a lot of damage to your liver."
Castiel stiffened under his mom's arms. He knew where this was going. "They're giving you some medicine to help make it better. If it doesn't work they're going to have to send you off to Duke. However, if it does work and your liver is saved, then they have to find a behavioral health hospital for you to stay.
At the moment you're under suicide watch until you leave. That nurse" she pointed over her shoulder to the nurse sitting in the doorway, the nurse who had been doing the crossword puzzle, "is here to keep an eye on you. If you try to do anything harmful to yourself, then she'll be here to stop it. We clear?"
"So let me get this straight." Castiel pushed his mother away from him so he could look her in the eye. "Either I end up possibly dying anyway or I get sent to the fu – freaking funny farm!" He couldn't believe that even at a time like this he still caught himself trying not to curse in front of his mom.
"Why couldn't I have just died, huh? Because honestly I don't like either of my options here."
"Well unfortunately those are your only options and you have no control over which one is chosen. Deep down I hope you don't think that going to Duke is the better of the two, because honestly Castiel –", she broke off with a weary sigh and stepped further back. They both knew the words that were left unsaid.
"I'm going downstairs to grab a cup of coffee, want anything?" He nodded and asked for a Pepsi.
Just as Anna was stepping past the nurse he called out to her. She turned, eyebrow raised in question.
"Has Balthazar stopped by any since… you know?" He worried his lower lip with his teeth, suddenly self-conscious over the situation that had occurred… how many days ago had it been?
"Of course he has honey! Now let me go get our drinks, okay? I'll be right back."
He watched her scurry off.
His bullshit detector was going off the charts.
The next day Balthazar showed up.
Castiel looked up from the book he was reading when he walked in. Balthazar must have read the shock on Castiel's face, because he just rolled his eyes. The motion caused Castiel to want to hurl his book at the blonde's big head. He wondered if the nurse would turn a blind eye to it.
"What are you doing here? Adam's ass too sore so you figured you'd come grace me with your presence? Because if that's going to be your good deed for the day, then you can be dismissed or else it'll turn into cruelty against humanity. "
"Feisty today aren't we? I guess Adam picked a good today to convince to me to come in. It's taken him three days to do so, so just be happy I'm here at all." Balthazar smirked as he sat down, crossing his legs at the knee.
Castiel's knuckles turned white as he gripped his book tighter and tighter. He managed to get the words "Get. Out." through clenched teeth.
Balthazar glanced around the room before stopping to focus his attention on him, his smirk fading in hurt. "You mean me? You want me to get out? But I just got here Cassie!" He stood up and edged closer to the bed, but Castiel moved in the opposite direction.
"GET! OUT! If he has to tell you to come here, then don't come at all! You – You – You assbutt! Get the hell out of my room!"
By this point the nurse had run to get security and Balthazar was looking around the room panicked, worried that someone might think he tried to hurt Castiel. Castiel looked like he might be ready to star in the "Breaking News" segment as a homicidal maniac. A team of doctors and security personnel filed in, the doctors heading for Castiel while the security officers led Balthazar out. As he was being escorted out, Balthazar turned and said, just loud enough for Castiel to hear, "you crazy bastard."
That was enough to send Castiel off again, and he ended up being sedated.
When he woke up he was hooked up to a heart monitor, and yes, it was Balthazar's fault.
Two days later the doctors confirmed that his liver was stable.
That night he had a room reserved at a facility called The Elms Behavioral Health Hospital. He called Anna and she stopped by with some clothes for him, with the promise of bringing him more in the morning. She was staying in a hotel and only had a few articles of Castiel's clothing in the room, the rest were still in the house the two men shared. She would go back while Balthazar was at work and pack a suit case.
Once he was dressed Anna hugged him and he followed an officer outside to the car. The inside of the vehicle was freezing in comparison to outside. The smell of the car was familiar and oddly comforting – he couldn't place it.
The drive was long and quiet. He was glad to get out of the "hospital" just to escape the uneasy silence. Pulling up to the entrance, the officer led him inside and into the office for check-in. He was asked the standard questions and then escorted to his room, which he would be sharing with a roommate. Since it was so late at night they would let him sleep in and give him the tour and do introductions in the morning.
Once he was left alone, besides his sleeping roomie, he curled up on his bed and sobbed. He wanted to be home. He wanted to be with Balthazar.
The next day, and the days after that were filled with getting into the routine and getting to know the others in his ward. He found out there were three wards, each holding patients of different levels of different conditions. His ward was for those who were to be released very soon or didn't hold a big threat to those around them.
His roomie was quiet and stuck to himself, and Castiel never bothered him. He did overhear the doctors that came in the room one day say something about his liver, so it was either alcohol or pills.
Most of the people were pretty open about why they were there – depression and suicide attempts being the main reasons. It felt nice to be able to bond with others even if it was over something so… morbid?
His favorite moment at the Elms had to have been one night before lights out when a group of them played Apples to Apples. They started out following the rules, but by the end of the game they were using the most ridiculous answers they could think of. It made him almost want to stay… almost.
Anna visited on the designated days, sometimes Balthazar would join her. One particular day Balthazar came alone, which was surprising because he had made it perfectly clear that something like that would never happen.
So I know I should of treated you better,
but me and you were meant to last forever.
So let me in (let me in) give me another chance (another chance)
to really be your man.
Castiel sat in one of the chairs of the lobby, Balthazar beside him holding his hand. Castiel was sobbing and a few people were looking in their direction, Balthazar looked a bit put off and embarrassed. He had just spent the better part of thirty minutes making a scene about not wanting Balthazar to leave him and how he'd do anything to keep him in his life. Balthazar had to take charge and calm Castiel down before he had another break down.
"Hey, hey, calm down Cassie, just calm down. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm never going to go anywhere. It's just you and me and when you get out of here, we're gonna start working on setting things straight." He smiled and nuzzled Castiel's neck, just behind his ear. Castiel purred and hiccupped as his sobs began to die down.
Mmmm whatcha say
Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmm whatcha say
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
"What about Adam? Is he still going to be in the picture? Because Balthazar I can't do this if he's going to be around, you know I can't." Castiel's voice began to crack as the tears welled up again.
Balthazar mentally cursed himself and hugged him close. "Adam will be gone; it's just going to be us. When I leave here today I'm leaving him. So don't worry your pretty little head anymore, okay? Just please stop crying. It's killing me to see you so sad because of something I've done. I love you so much, Castiel Milton."
He leaned in and captured Castiel's lips before the man could retort. Their small audience cheered and Balthazar inwardly cheered himself.
Castiel ignorantly believed his words. A small spark in the back of his head told him it was bullshit. But ignorance was bliss. All he wanted was to be happy for a while.
Whatchu say, whatchu say
What did she say
It was a week after his suicide attempt that he was released from the hospital.
We will never forget, and no, we will not forgive.
We've fought hard not to die, yet we don't know how to live.
How do we change our world to what we want it to be?
How do we move beyond all of this misery?
Balthazar picked him up a couple of hours after his release and it probably would have been a better idea if Anna had done it.
No, Anna should have done it.
We waged a war with Hell, and look, we still survive,
but just because we live does not meant that we're alive.
Castiel didn't know which to be angrier over, the phone call or the awful sound coming from the car radio.
The moment they'd pulled out of the parking lot Balthazar's phone had rung. Castiel had caught a glimpse of the screen to see that it was Adam calling. It felt like a hot poker was being shoved through his stomach, because hadn't Balthazar said he was getting rid of Adam?
And what the hell was this shit they were listening to?! It certainly wasn't something Balthazar would listen to, that's for sure. Glowering in his seat Castiel leaned against the door, growling when Balthazar ended the call with "I love you."
Hearing the growl Balthazar turned to Castiel, annoyed. "I can't tell my mum I love her? Honestly Cassie I thought you were better, or maybe you just told them what they wanted to hear just to get out." He set his phone down only to have it snatched up by Castiel. "What the fuck? Give that back!"
"No, not until you stop lying. First, what the fuck are we listening to?" Castiel glared at the offending radio, nose wrinkled in disgust.
"It's a band Adam told me about, and I happen to like them."
"Oh really, because it doesn't sound like anything I've ever heard you listen to before." When they come to a stop sign on an empty stretch of road he ejected the CD and threw it out his window, smirking contently. "There that's better. Now, second question who the fu –"
"ARE YOU BLOODY MENTAL?! Why the fuck did you do that? You know what; I don't even want to know." Balthazar drove forward then pulled over and turned the car off. "Get out and go get it."
"Now who's the crazy one? There's no way in hell I'm going out there to get a fucking crappy CD. You want it, you go it. I'm sitting right here until you answer my second question."
The set of his jaw and the way his arms were crossed across his chest told Balthazar he was serious so he turned the car back on and pulled back on to the road. "Fine, ask away," he said through clenched teeth, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel.
"Who the fuck just called you? I know it wasn't your mom, so don't bother lying to me."
"…Fine it was Adam."
Castiel exploded. "I thought you were leaving him?! What the hell Balthazar?! You tell me you're leaving him and then he fucking calls the day you get me from the hospital! I can't believe you, I honestly I can't, fucking, believe you!"
"I never told you I was leaving him you crazy fuck. I would never leave him. I love you dearly, but I could leave him. So don't put words in my mouth!"
The rest of the trip home was spent with Balthazar seething and wishing Adam would call back, while Castiel curled up in a ball sobbing.
One foot in front of the other foot
One foot in front of the other foot
In front of the one…
When they got home Castiel hoped he'd be able to return to work. He needed the distraction to get his mind off all the shit floating around his brain.
Too bad life sucks.
He was put on leave due to work place violence. He couldn't return until a therapist deemed him fit enough.
He hid in his closet and cried.
I never saw her do it, I only saw the scars
I never could imagine what would make her go that far.
Castiel took up smoking, but not for the nicotine.
Placing the filtered tip between his pursed lips, he pressed his thumb down on the fork and using the tip of his finger he flicked the spark wheel causing the flame to shoot up from the jet and through the hole in the hood. Holding the tip of the cigarette over the flame he sucked in, watching the tip burn and glow. That was his favorite part. Releasing the lighter and setting it down, he removed the cigarette from his lips and exhaled, smiling as he watched the tip glow in the darkness of the summer night.
He was sitting outside on the back porch; Balthazar had started bitching about no smoking in the house, and honestly he found solace out here anyway. Holding the cigarette between his middle finger and thumb he stretched his left arm out across his lap, letting the glow of the ember light his skin and target.
Finally deciding on a spot he lowered and pressed down on his flesh. Hissing, he threw his head back at the burn. When it became too much he pulled it away and took a drag of the cigarette. He repeated the process until the cigarette was gone, then went back inside.
She was burning herself, her passion was her pain.
Scratch my leg with a rusty nail, sadly it heals
Color my hair but the dye grows out
I can't seem to stay a fixed ideal
"I think you and Adam should meet."
Castiel nearly choked on his water when Balthazar entered the room announcing such an asinine idea. Coughing and flinching away when Balthazar tried to rub his back, he finally squeaked out, "you can't be serious?!"
"Why not?" Balthazar questioned, brow furrowed. "I think you two would get along perfectly, and the two people I love the most should really get to know each other."
Castiel fixed another glass of water and made his way out of the kitchen. "I think you should have spent time at the Elms, cause you are fucking insane."
Spending time alone in such a big house didn't do good things for Castiel. All he could think about was Balthazar.
What was Balthazar doing?
Who was Balthazar with?
What was Balthazar doing with whom?
It became too much.
He was surprised Balthazar didn't have his numbered block. Well, he probably would have if it hadn't been for the suicide attempt.
One point for being insane.
Castiel couldn't stop calling, couldn't stop texting. He was driving Balthazar berserk and finally Balthazar had had enough. He sat Castiel down to have a discussion about what he did during the day and what Castiel could do.
Castiel ended up crying in his closet.
July '11
He wasn't sure what brought it on, but it happened. There was a piece of glass lying on the floor, a huge piece, it was beautiful and it called to him. After picking it up he walked upstairs to the bedroom to the right and huddled in the corner by the window.
It was there that he went to work.
Castiel couldn't remember the last time he had cut, but oh the feeling! Fuck burning; this was what he had needed.
Digging in deep the first cut did a good bit of damage. He was going horizontal so all he risked as some more nasty scars. The second, third, and fourth cuts went deeper and deeper until he saw the light pinkish layer underneath. A mix of being petrified and exhilarated filled him; he had never cut that deep before!
But he stopped.
He hid the glass and ran downstairs to clean the cut before Balthazar got home; he knew he'd be yelled out if Balthazar ever found out.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line, I must have gone off track with you
Excuse me; I must have mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
Maybe it was a trigger from cutting that morning. Maybe it was that damn medication they had him on. Whatever it was, Castiel felt it. He didn't know how to tell Balthazar, so the only solution was to text him.
8:05pm
I'm having bad thoughts again.
He curled up under the comforter and cried, waiting for Balthazar to come and talk to him. He just needed to talk. Needed to get the thoughts out of his head.
"You're such an attention seeking whore. First you fucking cut yourself, now this shit!" Balthazar hurled his phone at the bed, hitting Castiel on the ankle. "Get over yourself Castiel and grow the fuck up." Yanking the phone off the bed he turned and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Castiel ran and hid in the closet, wishing they owned a gun.
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you; this is me down on my knees
And these foolish games are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
The sound of knocking woke him up. Looking around the room confused, he slowly remembered bits and pieces of what happened before he fell asleep. Staring at the door now, he was unsure of whether or not he wanted to open it.
"Please don't ignore me love. I'm sorry for how I reacted, it wasn't fair. I was just upset over what happened this afternoon and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Will you please let me in so we can talk? Please sweetie, I love you! Castiel please let me in!"
As Balthazar's voice became urgent Castiel hurried to open the door, swinging it open to face a shaken blue eyed, blonde haired Brit. Surging forward, Balthazar pulled Castiel into a tight embrace, whispering "I love you's" into his ear.
All was forgiven, but Balthazar had already called Anna.
Anna showed up a week later to take him back home with her. Balthazar couldn't take care of a 28 year old child and work at the same time (Castiel muttered "and have a boyfriend on the side") and if Balthazar heard he showed no sign of it.
Castiel pleaded and bargained, but it was useless, and he was soon making his way back to his childhood home, six hours away.
My mind is black & blue
It keeps pictures of you, now I know why
You moved away from here to another hemisphere
Al I want to be is in your company
I made a mixtape with all the songs that you hate
Can't read your mind, I give up this time
Castiel was going to go insane staying here. He was bored and pretty sure that Balthazar had blocked this number. Anna had taken out anything that could be considered "harmful" so the house was practically child-proof. Now he understood Balthazar's remark, even though he still resented it, because honestly he could take care of himself.
With a groan he flopped down on his bed, screamed out of boredom and began to cry. Whether from boredom or loneliness, it was hard to say, with Castiel the two were one in the same.
E-mail!
He had been there a week when the idea hit him, so he rushed for his laptop and logged into his account to e-mail Balthazar.
Fifty in one day wasn't excessive… was it?
Anna confiscated his laptop, cellphone, and placed a password on her computer.
Yeah, it turned out fifty was bordering on stalkerish.
Three weeks in and everyone decided that it would be okay for Castiel to go back and stay with Balthazar. It would soon be time for Castiel to start his therapy sessions and hopefully start back at work, so they had no other choice.
All these things that you say
Like I'll forget about the mind numbing games that you play
I am a gentleman
Didn't I pay for every laugh, every dime, every bit, every time, and then you feed me some line
I won't hear one more word about changing
Therapy sessions were boring.
Honestly, not much changed in two days. At least nothing interesting. They mainly spoke of how Castiel felt about going back to work, how his relationship with Balthazar was holding up, and if they'd be interested in doing a couple's session. Castiel wanted to, Balthazar didn't. So they didn't. He was taken off his current medication (Cymbalta) due to his increase in suicidal thoughts.
Castiel still didn't eat much, and Balthazar still got pissed off about it.
Days pass and turn into weeks, when we don't even speak
We just lay wide awake and pretend we're asleep
You go home alone and you're checking your phone
And you're looking at me like I'm something you own
It was a cloudy afternoon and he had a headache, so Castiel had gone to lay down on the bed for a nap. When he woke up he went to the kitchen for some water and heard Balthazar on the phone. The tone of his voice… Castiel used to hear that when Balthazar would call him, but he couldn't remember the last time he had heard it.
Opening the refrigerator to grab a bottle, Balthazar turned around and smiled. "How's your headache? No, not you, I'm talking to Castiel." Balthazar's smile turned sheepish while Castiel rolled his eyes.
"Who else would you be talking to? Fucking dumbass teenager."
He stormed off, Balthazar totally oblivious to the fact.
Hey you! Remember me? Remember love?
Remember trying to stay together?
My time, you took it all
Castiel told Balthazar he wanted his help in working on their relationship, so he got out his book on BPD and headed for the bedroom. They lay on the bed, heads together, skimming over the pages. They were comparing the text to their relationship when the phone rang.
"Let it go, Balthy, if it's important they'll leave a message," Castiel looked into those piercing blue eyes, hoping that he was pulling off his best version of the "puppy dog eyes."
"I really have to get this Cassie, but I'll make it quick I promise!"
Castiel went to sleep alone that night.
Why am I feeling so guilty?
Why am I holding my breath?
Worry about everyone but me, and I just keep losing myself
Tell me it's nothing; try to convince me that I'm not drowning
August '11
It was a relief to finally return to work, because honestly a month and a half of doing nothing had been driving him insane! Everyone was happy to see him and glad to hear he was doing better. They all thought he had some issues with his liver… not too far from the truth. Hannah didn't know the full truth either, and if Castiel had his way he was going to keep it that way.
His main goal was to keep busy because busy equaled no deep thoughts. Boredom equaled deep thoughts which equaled depressed. So he had to keep busy.
Busy. Busy. Busy.
He had been at work for a week when Balthazar said they needed to talk. Instantly Castiel went on high alert, because talks were always bad. Balthazar reassured him it wasn't bad, but it was important.
He wanted to live with Adam for a while, just to see how they got along.
Castiel wanted to stuff a throw pillow up Adam's ass just to see how far it out fit. He tuned out Balthazar after that, fantasizing about Adam and the violent things he could do to him.
"I'll leave on the 15th, but I'll only be gone for a week, so don't worry too much, okay?" Balthazar ruffled Castiel's hair and smiled reassuringly, eyes surprisingly warm with love. Castiel narrowed his eyes warily.
"I don't trust this. I don't trust you, or him."
"You don't trust anything, so what does It matter."
"Exactly."
Balthazar was already packed, and this was their last night together because Castiel's intuition said it was, and it was batting a thousand so far.
Flitting around the room Castiel lit the tiny tea candles that decorated the room. Their favorite mix of patchouli and sage filled the room. He was going to make this night perfect.
Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me
Balthazar entered the room as the music started, shocked at the scene before him. Castiel couldn't blame him; it was a spur of the moment thing. Maybe it was his way of showing Balthazar what he'd be missing, maybe it was his way of showing Balthazar how much he did love him, maybe it was his way of convincing himself that he loved Balthazar.
Sidling over to him, Castiel began to unbutton Balthazar's white shirt, sliding his hands up Balthazar's chest and over his nipples, grinning at the sound of Balthazar's moans. Easing the shirt off Castiel leaned down and began to suck on Balthazar's left nipple. He moaned when Balthazar's fingers found their way through his hair, pulling him up and off the taught and tan nub.
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
Their lips crashed, their hips grinded, and their chests pressed together. This reminded Castiel of their first time together, funny that it would be their last. With a yelp he suddenly found slung over Balthazar's shoulder and looking at his fiancé's back, which was fine since it gave him the perfect chance to –
"HEY! No funny business back there mister, at least not until we're naked." Castiel let out another yelp when a hand smacked his ass. He then found himself on his back, bouncing on the bed. Balthazar wasn't far behind, tackling him and pressing him into the mattress.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
It had been perfect.
The candles had long ago burnt out and Balthazar had fallen asleep shortly after. Now Castiel started at the ceiling, fighting back tears over the feelings he battled inside.
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in there dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
Balthazar left early the next morning. He stashed his suitcases in his car and headed to work, then to Adam's afterwards.
That was it.
Six years together now over.
Castiel went to work and tried to act as if everything was alright, but it was obvious that a black cloud was hanging over him. Hannah approached him, asking if everything was alright but all he could do was snap at her. He didn't want anyone's sympathy. He just wanted to wallow in his own self-pity until the pain finally went away. He refused to go back to cutting, and pills were no longer an option since the smell of acetaminophen turned his stomach.
He buried himself in his work and actually became more productive than ever before. Too bad he had become the office recluse. His manager sat down and talked to him about his attitude and Castiel had to stop himself from flipping the man off.
He was fine.
Really.
He was fine.
Seasons bring truth
When I found mine
It was summertime
September '11
Three weeks had passed since Balthazar had moved out when a letter for him showed up in the mailbox. It was odd since Balthazar had been having his mail forwarded to his office. With a lackadaisical shrug Castiel opened the letter, then immediately shredded it to pieces.
That. Fucking. Son. Of A. Bitch!
The whole "trial run" had been orchestrated since before the cutting incident and Balthazar had been pretty busy since then. While Castiel had been shipped back to mommy dearest, Adam and Balthazar got to play house, and actually went looking for one!
Castiel had assumed Balthazar had gone to stay at Adam's apartment, but he assumed wrong. According to the paper's he had just read, they were in a "lovely ranch style home, the perfect 'first home' for any couple."
It was late that evening when Castiel finally collapsed on their – his – bed, the house completely destroyed.
I'm sleeping later and waking later
I'm eating less and thinking more
And how am I without you?
Am I more myself or less myself?
The click-click-click of the office keyboards were enough to lull him to sleep, and he probably would have if Hannah hadn't grabbed him by the back of his shirt and yanked. Before he could even start to shout at her, she already had him out of his chair and down the hall. After years of working together he knew that when she had her mind set on something, you might was well just shut the hell up and go with it. So shut up and go he did.
Technically their building was entirely smoke-free, but a small balcony was kept over from the days when smoking was acceptable. It was this balcony that Hannah shoved Castiel on. Of course, being Castiel, he latched on to Hannah like a spider monkey since they were on the sixth floor of their building. Having forgotten about Castiel's fear she quickly switched places, putting Castiel with his back against the wall, Hannah's against the railing.
"You're going to tell what's going on, and you're gonna tell me right the fuck now! And I don't wanna hear any excuses Castiel, because I've already talked with Uriel and he said to take as much time as I needed. So start talking, sweet cheeks." Leaning back against the railing she crossed her arms in front her chest, stretching her legs out and crossing her ankles.
Castiel floundered for a moment, much to Hanna's amusement, before finding his voice. "SWEET CHEEKS?!"
"After all that the only thing that surprises you is 'sweet cheeks'? Geez Castiel, you're getting slow in your old age…. But I'm glad I could at least make you less sour puss-ish." She smiled cheekily at him and tilted her head to the side. "So tell me, what's got my blue eyes blue, huh?"
The lightness in the air quickly dissipated and they were once again left with Castiel's "roaming cloud of doom." With a heavy sigh, and refusing to look up from his shoes, Castiel began to tell Hannah everything… and that meant EVERYTHING. It took a few hours; they ended up leaving the balcony and grabbing lunch, which for Castiel meant a glass of water and a small salad.
By the end of his tale they found themselves sitting in the park underneath a large oak tree, listening to a group of toddlers playing nearby. Castiel had just finished telling her about the letter when he found himself with a lap full of Hannah. He didn't say anything. He didn't push her away. He just hugged her. They hugged each other, because for all these years, they'd never really given each other a hug like this before. It was the kind that says "I understand, and no matter what I'm going to be here for you to kick some dickhead's ass."
Castiel liked those kinds of hugs.
I finally feel like I'm supposed to be, yeah, oh
Don't you take this moment away from me
But before you kill me won't you
Won't you look back in my eyes and watch me
January '13
The past two years had been tiring, but Castiel had made it with the help of friends and family. It was hard at first, being single after 6 years of being in a relationship, but looking back at how he was in his early twenties; he knew he shouldn't go back down that path. He did have a little slip up when he got in contact with Crowley, who happened to live not far from him. It ended up with two one-night stands, and Castiel feeling heartbroken.
So it was too early for relationships. He needed to fix the problems he had already before he even thought about dragging someone else into them, he needed to learn how to be on his own anyway.
It was a beautiful winter morning, the type where the air is crisp and the sky is brilliant blue. Castiel was bundled up in a navy blue cable knit sweater and black slacks, while reading the paper at his desk. He was just about to turn the page that led to the wedding announcements (which he never read) when a hand yanked the paper from his.
"HEY! Hannah, give that back!" Jumping up from his chair he chased Hanna around the office, watching as she tore the newspaper while they ran. When she stopped abruptly, causing him to bump into her, she was placing the pieces into the paper shredder.
"What the… Was the news really that bad today? Because I'm pretty sure you're gonna need a bigger shredder to get every paper," he giggled as she rolled her eyes, throwing her arm over his shoulders and leading him back to their desks.
"Not necessarily bad news, just boring news and no one wants to read boring news. So I figured I'd save you some time so you can play one of those mindless Facebook games that everyone else is playing."
He shoved her as hard as he could before heading back to his desk. The little brat was lying to him, but about what… Well, that was the question.
When he got to his desk he found Ingrid sitting in his chair, leaning back with her feet propped up. She had the paper open and was reading it with very deep interest. "Um… Ingrid? You do realize your desk is waaaaay over there right?" He motioned over to the far right hand corner of the office. "And not here? Because here is my desk. So go. Away. From my desk. Like now!"
She leaned her head back over the chair, smiling at him upside down. "Hi there Castiel! Did you see today's newspaper? Very interesting stuff going on today, now let's see..." She lifted the paper up above her head, humming some annoying pop song, while shifting her gaze across the pages. "Oh look! These cute couples just got engaged recently, and I think this couple in particular is just to die for! Don't you think so, Castiel?"
Shifting her body so that her feet were planted firmly on the ground and her head was held upright, she turned the paper toward him, pointing to the couple printed in black and white.
Castiel felt the world stop. Literally, the world stopped.
Balthazar and Adam were engaged.
No, they were supposed to be miserable. For all the shit they had done to him, they were supposed to be miserable!
Rushing past Ingrid he ran out the office and to his car. He ignored Hannah, who was threating Ingrid with something along the lines of shoving the offending newspaper into a certain orifice.
He didn't drive home.
He didn't drive anywhere in particular.
He just drove.
He sang along with Justin Furstenfeld and released all the pain he felt before it killed him.
Bleed out
I gave it all
But you can't stop taking from me
And way down I know
You know where to cut me with your eyes closed
Finishing the song he looked up to see he had, in fact, driven home. Getting out of his car he climbed the steps, unlocked the front door, and stepped inside.
Looking around the house he had lived in for seven years now, five with Balthazar, he realized that he didn't really like it, nor love it. It didn't mean anything to him. It was just a house.
Picking up his phone he sent a quick text to his mom and put some plans into action.
He was going home.
And he might have been a fool for love once, but never again.
Edited November 15, 2014