A/N: So, I don't really like this chapter, but I'm gonna be busy this weekend and I wanted to get it out, so here it is. Once again, thanks to everyone for their support thus far, and I hope you continue to read :)
Chapter Ten
I See Now That I Won't Let Go
"We have got to find you a boyfriend, Castiel."
The barista squeaked, sloshing a bit of his soy pumpkin spice latte on to his hand, as he spun around to face his boss. To those who didn't know her well enough that expression on her face would read complete innocence. To the rest of the population though, they could see the glint in her eyes that gave away her poker face.
"No, we don't, Lisa," he said curtly, finishing clocking out for the day. It had been a long week in general, plus a busy day all around. All he wanted to do was go home. Also, on top of that, it was supposed to begin raining this evening and he didn't want to be out in it.
Licking the bits of liquid from his hand, he shifted his latte between his hands to get his backpack on his back.
Lisa pouted and followed him outside, sticking close to keep the conversation between them. "Please Castiel," she begged. "Just – What if a guy came up to you in the grocery store and asked for your number? What would you do?"
He stopped abruptly to look at her, suddenly feeling tired. It wasn't from exhaustion, but from this never ending conversation. Right now he almost wanted to smack the smug look of her face. "Lisa, I'm too old for this shit."
She jerked him back when he started walking off again, more of his latte spilling, this time on the pavement. "How old are you?"
"31."
"And you're telling me that 'you're too old for this shit,' why? Because I hope you wouldn't tell a guy that."
"No, if a guy did come up and ask for my number, I'd probably punch him in the face," he deadpanned, taking a sip of his drink. He wrinkled his nose at the taste of the now cold latte.
"Yeah, and he'd probably think you're insane."
It was clear that Lisa was becoming increasingly more annoyed with this conversation than he was, so he cut it short with an "exactly" and walked off, ignoring her.
It was hard to explain to people the thoughts that would rush through his head, the way his mind processed the simplest of motions. How he could perceive something innocent as something vile, and vice versa. His mind was a bundle of contradictions and hypocritical notions. He knew how to read people, but only for their weaknesses, because what else was there?
This was the part of Castiel that was insecure, that was paranoid, and that distrusted everyone. This was the part of Castiel that saw "flirting" as a form of mocking him. This was the part of Castiel that told him it was okay to be single, because everyone else would hurt him. This was the part of Castiel that was scared.
It was hard to explain to people the thoughts that would rush through his head, the way his mind processed the simplest of motions. How he could perceive something vile as something innocent, and vice versa. His mind was a bundle of contradictions and hypocritical notions. He knew how to play people, but only off their weakness, because what else was there?
This was the part of Castiel that was naïve and cunning. This was the part of Castiel that wouldn't know "flirting" if it smacked him in the face. This was the part of Castiel that was lonely, even though he knows it would only bring madness to have "love". This was the part of Castiel that was insecure.
So, when someone suggested that he needed to find a boyfriend, how could he tell them all the thoughts that ran through his head at that one sentence? The fear and insecurity, it was always about the fear and insecurity, and no one like Lisa Winchester would ever understand.
I don't mind where you come from, as long as you come to me
I don't like illusions, I can't see them clearly
I don't care; no, I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I don't mind, I don't care
As long as you're here
Hours slide and days go by, 'til you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden
And I have the skill, yeah, I have the will
To breathe you in while I can, however long you stay
Is all that I am?
Wrong or right, black or white
If I close my eyes, it's all the same
In my life, the compromise
I close my eyes, it's all the same
Go ahead, say it – you're leaving, you'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything
Do it all over again, it's all the same
He stared at the iPod he clutched in his hand as the song finished playing, tears blurring his vision. He was over this shit, he was better, he was above this, and he didn't need anyone.
Letting it fall from his grasp to his comforter, he rolled off his bed and walked across his room to his dresser where his wallet lay. No, he wasn't looking for someone, but he did need someone to talk to, and someone had offered to him help before, so maybe the offer still stood.
Digging the business card out, he grabbed the phone from beside his wallet and dialed the seven digits, nervously picking at his fingernails, one handed, as the phone rang.
"Hello –" Castiel inhaled, not quite sure if he was ready to hang up or leave a voice mail, when he realized there was no need to decide.
"Hello?" He exhaled, and shook free his nerves.
"Hey, Benny? It's Castiel. I was just wondering, if it's not too late that is, if your offer for that ride was still available?"
The city was quiet as they drove down the rain-slicked streets, Castiel staring out the window at the street lights, their glow reflecting off the wetness of the pavement. He wasn't sure when it actually rained, but there was still a light mist gathering on the windshield, if the sound of the wipers were any indication. The warm glow of the lights, combined with the sound of the truck speeding over the wet road, was enough to begin to ease Castiel's mind.
"So, mind telling me where you wanna go?"
The truck came to a halt at a stop light, turning the interior a blend of red and orangeish-yellow. Castiel continued to stare out the window. The mist started building into a sprinkle, the more developed drops forming on the window and sliding down, racing each other. The one closest to the front of the truck won.
Turning his attention away from the rain drops, he focused on his reflection and barely made out Benny's behind him. The man didn't seem angry that Castiel basically had him driving him aimlessly around town this late at night. He didn't exactly look happy about it either, just… indifferent.
So Castiel shrugged, and Benny sighed. The light turned green, and the truck eased forward. "Well, at least tell me what you're running from," the Cajun questioned. His was voice was softer than before, which hit a nerve in the black haired man.
This time Castiel turned to look at the driver, a look of hostility flashing across his face. "Who are you to say I'm running away from something! You don't fucking know me Benny Lafitte, so don't pretend to. Just drive… okay?"
"Sure, but let me tell you something there, cher. I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I told Dean along time ago. You can't run from what's in there." He gently pressed his forefinger to Castiel's temple before returning his focus to the road ahead.
Castiel huffed and pushed himself against the passenger door, forehead pressed against the coolness of the window. What did Benny know about him anyway? And what could he and Dean possibly have in common? Huffing again, the window fogging up from the action, he lost himself in watching the lights and the rain, sad that the stars couldn't be out as well.
"Good Morning. Today's forecast calls for blue skies."
Just as he was grappling with his phone to shut the damn thing up, it was tugged from his hand and shut off. He lifted his head at the sound of it being placed back on his nightstand. Castiel was surprised to see Benny in the clothes he was wearing the night before.
The disheveled man cocked an eyebrow, grumbled something along the lines of 'it's to fucking early for this shit,' and hid his head under his pillow. Benny grabbed said pillow, then pulled the cord to the blinds, nearly blinding Castiel as the sun filled the room. Castiel hissed and yanked the comforter over his head. It was a futile effort. Benny only jerked off of him a moment later.
"C'mon Castiel, get outta bed!" Benny said, his cheerful voice almost deafening to Castiel's not-a-morning-person's ears.
"Shut the fuck up, Benny, and leave me alone," he groaned, covering his head with his arms. Anything to block his face from that damn infernal ball of fire.
Too bad Benny had other plans for Castiel – like yanking him out of bed by his feet.
Castiel sat in the tow truck outside of the garage with his car on the flatbed. His arms were crossed, his face twisted in a scowl. He'd been told over breakfast that he had fallen asleep during the little drive last night.
Benny, being the gentleman he was, took Castiel upstairs and was let in by Kevin (he won't ever thank his roommate enough for not sleeping, even if he didn't agree with it). After putting him in his bed, Benny and Kevin had had a little chat about Castiel, his car, and about the incident the week before.
That had somehow led to him being in the damn tow truck at this moment, outside the garage Benny co-owned, pissed and wanting to go home. Benny got out of the truck and when he walked past the passenger side, Castiel put down the window.
"Are you gonna tell me why the hell we're here?"
Benny stopped and turned to face Castiel, shaking his head, a smirk playing on his lips. "Hadn't planned on it," he drawled, and continued his walk toward the garage.
He groaned and looked up at the sky. The bright blue sky from that morning was becoming overcast, grey clouds slowly moving in from the north and blanketing the sun. Castiel tugged on the sleeves of his navy blue sweater as a chilled breeze ruffled his hair. He began to wonder if this was a sign of what was about to happen.
To say he was shocked would have been an understatement.
Castiel watched through the side view mirror as Dean strode toward the truck, his face looking about as happy about the situation as Castiel felt, but he stood straight and walked with determination.
This was the first time he had seen Dean below the waist and the long strides that Dean made seemed to only emphasize the fact he was bowlegged. The top of his jumpsuit was unzipped, the sleeves tied around his waist, drawing attention to the man's not quite flat stomach. Castiel now found it oddly endearing and couldn't stop the smile that came across his face. The man's flaws were more attractive than his perfections.
"Benny said you wanted to talk, so talk." The voice that came from right beside him sent his heart racing. It also caused him to jump in surprise and he was proud of himself for not making some high-pitched sound from the shock.
Quickly regaining his composure, hoping that Dean hadn't noticed, he glared at the man, focusing his cerulean blue eyes on the jade green ones in front of him. It was hard to say how much time passed as they started at each other. Castiel fought the urge to look down and count the freckles that were dusted underneath Dean's eyes.
Dean was the first the break their gaze, coughing nervously and rubbing the back of his neck. "Fine, don't talk, but at least listen okay?" Castiel kept quiet but turned away and looked out the windshield at the bus stop ahead. "I'm gonna take that as an okay."
Castiel heard Dean sigh and out of the side of his peripheral vision he saw Dean, turning to lean back against the door. "Lisa's been bitching at me about the way you've been acting since the day after the garage thing, even though I don't think it's my fault. Hell, you're the one that lost your damn temper!" Dean sighed again. Before he could continue, Castiel thumped him on the back of his head.
"What the fuck man?!" Dean whirled around to face him, rubbing the back of his head where Castiel's forefinger had flicked him. "You could have at least let me finish. Sheesh."
"Why should I? You already said enough by blaming me for Lisa 'bitching at you' when it was your damn fault, not mine. You had no right to say what you did, no matter what condition my car is in!" Castiel nearly shouted, baling his hands into fists. He wanted to punch the man in the face, but he had never had the courage to do something so bold in his life. Even through the shit with Balthazar, he had never laid a finger on the man – even though the piece of shit deserved it.
Dean, however, was different. Noticing the fists, the knuckles that were turning white from the tension, he knew what needed to be done.
"Get out the damn truck," Dean instructed.
Castiel scoffed, rolling his eyes. His hands began to lose their tautness at the audacity of the idiot before him. "Don't tell me what to fucking to."
"Get. Out. The damn. Truck." Dean punched out the words, trying to provoke Castiel.
"NO!"
"Dammit, Cas, get out the mother fucking truck, or I swear –"
"What. What are you gonna do Dean? Because I'm not scared of you, no matter what you think." Castiel squeezed his hands back into fists, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He ignored them, keeping his glare focused Dean, trying to keep everything that been repressed inside, from showing.
Having had enough, Dean yanked the door open, eyebrow cocked, as he backed up. He's not sure why, but the man's reaction worried him. He wanted to say something to Benny and Lisa, but they'd probably smack him for arguing with Castiel in the first place. He'd just have to figure it out on his own.
"You need to get out the truck if you're gonna hit me."
Castiel blinked, staring at Dean, his anger diffused by disbelief – at least for the time being. "Hit you?"
"Yes, hit me. I think it'll make you feel better and honestly there's noth-"
Dean didn't notice Castiel get out of the truck. All that he remembered was feeling pain radiate across his jaw from the powerful right hook and the air escape his lungs at the jab to his stomach. Fuck, Cas had some powerful punches.
He doubled over in pain, falling to the gravel on his knees. Dean had thought Castiel was just going to punch him in the arm. If he had expected this he would have braced himself. Looking up he saw the younger man nursing his hands, wincing in pain.
"Never punch someone before?" he wheezed. Castiel shook his head and Dean smiled through the pain. "Coulda fooled me kid, you pack one hell of a punch… bet you feel better though, dontcha?"
Castiel smiled sheepishly, looking down at his fists, the knuckles starting to take on a bluish tinge. Dean groaned as he got to his feet, wrapping his right arm around his middle. He knew he was gonna get a lot of questions when his jaw started to bruise. "Good, that mean we can go talk now? Honestly, there's something I need to explain, and I should have said it before."
Castiel sidled up beside Dean, inspecting the jaw he had just punched. With a smirk and a nod at his handy work, he patted Dean on his shoulder. "Yeah, let's talk."
They walked behind the garage which housed rows of abandoned vehicles, some rusted from old age, others that looked like they'd just gotten there. When asked about them, Dean just shrugged and said that people didn't feel as strongly about their cars and they did. Castiel didn't question who "they" were.
As they walked, Dean talked. He talked of an older lady who lived near Lisa and him. She couldn't afford a car and he wanted to fix one up for her as a surprise. Castiel waved his hand around, wordlessly asking "why not one of these?" to which Dean just laughed.
"When Benny brought yours in I knew she was a lost cause and I was ready to pick up the phone and tell you myself, but he told me to give her a chance. So I did. And honestly, I'm glad. Sure she needed a lot of work done, and knowing your situation, I knew there was no way you'd be able to afford it. But I knew it'd be perfect for my neighbor, because there was just something about that car.
"I lied about the spare parts because I wanted you to have the money. From what I knew about you from Lisa, you'd never take the money if you knew the truth. Right now, you can't tell me you'd sell her to me knowing the truth."
Castiel was shocked by what Dean had confessed, because how could the asshole he had met a week ago turn into the kind hearted man beside him today. The man who'd willingly let him get his aggressions out on him physically. Lisa had had this man in her life for over 13 years, and he hoped she knew how lucky she was.
"Would you sell her to me?" Dean questioned him again. It seemed like Dean was always questioning him twice.
Thinking about the question, knowing the answer that Dean was expecting, he answered contradictory. "Yes, but under two conditions."
Dean just nodded.
"One, you buy me lunch." Dean's stomach rumbled at the mention of food, causing the man to blush. Castiel wondered if there was anything this man could do that wasn't adorable. "Two, I get to pick out one of these cars and help you fix it up for me. For free." Dean opened his mouth and Castiel cut him off. "I know I'm not the most mechanically inclined and that I'm busy with classes and work, but I'm a fast learner. Now, if you or Benny have some free time after hours would you be willing… Please Dean?"
Dean wanted to tell him to forget it. That he'd fix one of the cars he already had for his neighbor. But then Castiel fixed him with this look.
It wasn't like the staring contest they had earlier. No, this was fucking "say no and my world will end right now," and how could he say no that! So Dean sighed, rubbed his hands over his eyes, and nodded. He'd probably regret it, but what could he do. Especially when the man hugged him, especially when he found himself hugging him back, especially when he found himself growing hard as their bodies pressed together.
Shit.
Dean drove a standard tan '89 F250 Ford to the diner that he declared had the best pie in town. From all the shit that he had talked about his car, Castiel was surprised by the truck. But he didn't say anything, just sat back and enjoyed the ride.
He thought they wouldn't have anything to talk about, but conversation seemed to flow seamlessly between them, most of it centered on music. They had similar interests when it came to classic rock, but while Castiel branched out beyond that, Dean seemed to stay loyal. Castiel had fun teasing the deep voiced man about it, mainly because it was easy to bait him. And the way his voice grew slightly deeper was a perk as well.
Their meal went the same way. They argued over pie versus cake, and the best flavor of pie, until their food arrived. Dean dove into his cheeseburger loaded with everything, inhaling it. Castiel ate his cheeseburger at a steady pace, actually chewing between bites.
Dean had finished his food, and was waiting for his pie to arrive, while Castiel continued to eat. One particularly large bite left a bit of ketchup between his lips and cheek, Dean couldn't help but snicker. Castiel tilted his head, eyebrow raised, and shit if it wasn't adorable.
He mentally smacked himself before pointing to the area on his own face where the ketchup would have been. "You got a little something right there."
"Oh." Castiel grabbed a napkin and wiped the wrong side of his face. Dean groaned and shook his head. "No, Cas, the other side. Right here." He pointed the area again on his own face, and watched as Castiel wiped the other side of his face, missing the area completely. Exasperated, Dean grabbed the napkin from his hand and leaned forward, wiping the ketchup from his face.
"There, you big dork. You really need to work on your hand-eye coordination, you know that?"
Castiel smiled and blushed, but remained silent. Dean followed the redness as it crept across the man's face until he was staring into pools of cobalt. He suddenly realized how close he had leaned forward.
Had he ever noticed his eyes being this blue?
The sound of a plate landing on the table had him jumping back to his side of the table, smiling up at the waitress, sheepishly. He knew he was blushing if the heat from his face was any indication, and the heat grew as she winked and walked away.
Shit.
Edited November 9, 2014