A/N: First off I want to thank all of you who have commented, followed, favorited, and just flat out read this fic. I don't think you realize how much it means me that this is actually being acknowledged and that I'm not wasting my time.

This started out being a way for me to get things off of my shoulders and I didn't really care what people thought, but somewhere along the line I lost track of that and began to self-doubt this work. So to know that there are people out there who are enjoying this... well it means a lot.

Chapter Thirteen
Have I Got a Long Way to Run?

The next morning Castiel started packing his bags. He was already on winter break and had planned on going home for Christmas. What were a few days anyway?

"What happened last night?" Kevin yawned from behind him, and from the groans he was giving, he was also stretching.

Castiel rolled his eyes, folded a pair of jeans, and stuffed them in the duffel bag. "What makes you think something happened last night?" He questioned as he turned around to look at Kevin, who was now leaning against the door jamb, arms crossed in front of his chest, looking half asleep. He could just make out the indentions from where the keys of Kevin's keyboard had pressed into his cheek.

"Well, the fact that you're running away is a large clue. So is the fact that I saw you come in last night half undressed." Kevin retorted, sounding surprisingly alert considering his posture and demeanor.

Turning back around and zipping up the bag, he moved on to the next one, blushing. Gathering the books for the next semester, he placed them at the bottom of the bag before laying his folded shirts on top of them. "So what."

"So what?!" Kevin screeched. "So you need to tell me what happened between you and Benny last night. I know his truck when I see it, Castiel."

Castiel froze for a moment before making his way to the bathroom to gather his toiletries. When he returned Kevin was still in the same spot watching him, but Castiel continued to remain silent. It was after what felt like an hour had passed before Kevin finally left, muttering under his breath. The soft padding of his footsteps filled the silent apartment, the sound of his door opening and closing echoed through the hallway shortly after.

Once he knew Kevin wasn't coming out, he quickly finished packing, shot a quick text to his mom to pick him up, and lugged the two loaded down duffel bags downstairs. It wasn't that cold for this time of year, so he sat on the sidewalk and waited. He probably had to wait three hours, but right now he really needed the air and time to think.

Alone.

"Talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, okay?"

"Castiel James Milton, talk right now or this car isn't leaving this parking lot," Anna demanded. She looked at her son, who was right now looking anywhere but at her. "I know there's something going on so you might as well spill it."

"If you're so smart then why don't you tell me what's wrong," he snapped immaturely, growing agitated. It was at that moment, of course, that a black Impala whipped into the parking lot.

Looking in the rear view mirror he watched as Dean parked in Castiel's designated spot, got out the car, and slammed the door shut. He was wearing his infamous leather jacket, and if the white fabric strap was any indication, a sling. Castiel could only imagine the gash in the upper left corner of his shoulder.

"– so I figured that jackass Benny must have done something, and if he did, just say so. You know I know people."

Castiel looked as his mom as Dean made his way up the first flight of stairs. "Mom you don't know anyone but those weirdos you call coworkers. So shut up, drive, and I promise I'll talk." A forced, playful smile tugged on his lips as he checked the mirror again.

Dean was at the middle of the second set of stairs.

"Was it Benny?"

"Huh? Was what Benny? What are you even talking about?" Castiel forgot about Dean for a moment and stared at his mom as if she had just grown two heads.

"Is he the reason we're here right now," she responded, exasperated.

Castiel couldn't help but scoff as he rolled his eyes. "Of course not, now will you please drive!" He demanded as he turned completely around to see Dean and Kevin on the platform between the first and second floor, looking directly in the direction of the car.

It was as if everything in the car were going in slow motion. Anna gripped the wheel and reached out to take the gear shift. The process, which should have taken all of ten seconds, felt like it took ten minutes. On the outside, Dean was just descending the last set of stairs and it scared Castiel to think what would happen if Dean did catch them.

It was then that things went back to normal. As they were driving forward Castiel turned back around to look from the rear view mirror. He couldn't name the emotion he felt as he watched Dean, gasping for air in front of the Impala, watched them as they drove away.

Anna looked in her side view mirror and smirked, before looking at Castiel. "Oh, so that's why. Well, this should be an interesting story. Also, don't underestimate what a few weirdos can do." She reached over and squeezed his shoulder. "So what did the asshole do and do I need to go kick his ass?"

He couldn't help but smile at the overprotective nature of his mother. It was something that still annoyed him, yet always made him feel loved... wanted. "What happened to your merry band of coworkers?"

"I can take him on my own," she stated self-assuredly.

"Sure ya can." He leaned away from her touch to rest his head on the window with a sigh. "His name is Dean, not asshole, as you so lovingly put it – and he didn't do anything. Well not entirely."

Rolling his eyes at Anna as she give him "The Look," the one that said that her child could do no wrong, he couldn't help but snort. "Oh don't give me that look. You know me; I don't exactly set out to make people's lives easier." He sighed again and closed his eyes, tilting his head up toward the sun. "It's push and pull with us. Two pulls forwards and five pushes back. It's complicated."

"Well how do you feel about him? I know that after Balthazar you made if perfectly clear that you wanted to work on your own issues. Do you think you can trust him?" Anna cast a side glance in Castiel's direction, only to see him biting his lip in deep thought.

"I'm confused by the way I feel. I just wanna go back to being friends, but after last night I know it's not possible." He felt a tear trail down his cheek. "Besides, as much as I want to trust him, I know I can't trust someone who's doing what dad did to you."

"What do you mean?"

He rolled his head in her direction, opening his eyes which were now red. "Last night we got in to an argument and Dean got hurt. While we were waiting for Benny, Dean started talking, and one thing lead to another. And we kissed. I didn't want to kiss him – but I did at the same time."

"So the whole thing about him being like your dad?" she inquired, feeling completely at a loss by her son's confession.

"He's married to Lisa – my boss – and they have a kid together."

The rest of the drive was spent in silence between mother and son. Castiel was soon lulled to sleep by the warmth of the winter sun, the motion of the car, and the lyrics that wrapped themselves around him.

So when I'm ready to be bolder, and my cuts have healed with time
Comfort will rest on my shoulder, and I'll bury my future behind
I'll always keep you with me; you'll be always on my mind
But there's a shining in the shadows
I'll never know unless I try

He dreamt in black and white. He dreamt of Dean and Lisa walking away, hand in hand. He dreamt of them leaving the Silverado behind, which had been completely stripped.

The deep holes that had been worn into the long, dirt driveway jostled the car, waking Castiel. Stretching out like a cat in the compact Toyota Camry, he ignored his mom's smile.

Stepping out of the car when they came to a stop beside the house, he looked around and couldn't deny the fact that he had missed the place. When he was younger he had hated the fact that they always had to drive nearly an hour to get anywhere, but now… now he craved this.

The sound of his mom opening and closing the car doors as she took out his bags broke the overall silence. Hiding in a bush or tree were a pair of Cardinals, chirping a melody. There was the sound of rustling dead leaves tumbling over the dry grass from the light breeze. The high pitched tinkling of wind chimes and the billowing of sheets catching in said breeze. They all combined together to create the tranquil symphony that was home.

The smell of paint was fresh in the air, but he could still make out the scent of pine. Walking away from the car and toward the back yard, the scent became stronger. Inhaling deeply, he thought of Christmas and climbing an old pine when he was 6-years old. It was hard to believe that he used to be that fearless. The further he walked, the cleaner the air became, soon it was that crisp, winter scent he always knew.

The light breeze became a gust and Castiel wrapped his arms around himself. The briskness nipped at his skin, cutting through the sweater he was wearing. The warmth of the sun, in contrast to the cold, had him turning around and heading back toward the house.

As he walked along the path he'd created, he lifted his head to stare at the pristine blue skies that reminded him of the crayons he had used as a child. Stretching up to reach the sky, he instead grazed the branches of an old willow tree. Grabbing them as he walked forward, he let go to let. The branches launch backward, reverberating.

Looking forward as he continued his walk, Castiel looked around the twenty some acre land that he grew up on. He watched the white bed sheets flutter on the clothesline. He took note of the minute changes that had occurred in the year since he'd last visited.

The vinyl siding of the two story house had been painted white, the sun reflecting off the fresh coat and the new metal roof. He kinda missed the sight of the old black shingles that used to be there.

The chimney that had always stood proud was gone; he would miss that the most. Even though he knew he would always have his memories of past Christmases spent in front of a roaring fire. Or falling asleep on Christmas Eve to the flickering of the flames dancing in the shadows of his room from the stairs below, as his mom stayed awake finishing up with the milk and cookies for Santa.

When he entered the house through the back door, Anna stood in the kitchen smiling, and told him that someone had called his phone several times. Thanking her and giving her a kiss on the cheek, he made his way through the living room and up the stairs to his room.

Nothing had changed in here. His room was simply white, with dark blue and white bedding. Awards and family photos lined the walls, some books he hadn't wanted to carry around were still stuffed in the bookcase, and his desk still had a notebook and some pens waiting to be used.

Unzipping his bags, he started unpacking. Hanging up shirts, placing jeans in the dresser drawers by his window, and shelving his text books, he came across his phone and remembered the call. He quickly turned the phone off, not bothering to see who it was from. Placing it in an empty drawer, he opened a window to let some fresh air in, and went back down stairs.

When Anna asked who'd called he said it was an unknown caller. She just nodded wordlessly.

Days before Christmas were spent reading text books, walking around the land and trying to get his thoughts straight. Then Anna would come home and they would start decorating.

The stair railing was wrapped in garland that Anna looped with clear lights. Santa figurines and poinsettias littered table tops. Christmas cards topped the mantle of the fireplace that she had kept, which now housed a rustic candelabra with apple cinnamon scented candles. Hanging below the cards were two stockings, an "A" and a "C" on each. Castiel rolled his eyes at the stockings that had been around since he was a kid.

Getting a tree was… lackluster.

Since it was so close to the holiday, and Anna had wanted a real tree, they ended up with what Castiel deemed a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. He was exaggerating, of course, but it wasn't a tree like they usually had.

While not exactly pathetic, the short slender tree was dry and needles littered the beige carpet of the living room, and they hadn't gotten it on the stand yet! There was no arguing with Anna though, she just made sure it was supported, gave it plenty of water, and sent Castiel up to fetch the tree decorations.

He warned her that the place would go up like a roman candle if she put lights on it. She ignored him and went about vacuuming the carpet.

He had to admit, as he peered down from his place on the stairs, that the tree looked good – albeit a fire hazard. They had had to cut down on the lights and their traditional star had been replaced with a bow (the poor tree couldn't support their tradition tree topper.) But their array of family ornaments made him forget about it. As he sat down and rested his head against the railing, his eyes danced between each ornament, remembering the reason behind them all.

This was what the holiday was about.

Anna couldn't hold back her laughter as she pulled up to the entrance of the mall to drop Castiel off.

It was the weekend before Christmas, which meant that all of the retail stores were swamped with last minute shoppers – like Castiel. With a designated pick-up time of three hours, Castiel got out of the car, cursed his mom for having the sense to have done all her shopping online this year, and cautiously made his way into the mall.

He was pretty sure there was a limit to the amount of people allowed in one building, and he was pretty sure that number was quadrupled right now. Thankful to the fact he wasn't bulky, he managed to make his way through the sea of people, weaving and ducking between bodies, until he came to his first stop.

The comic book store had a slightly larger crowd than he thought, but it was a safe haven at least, and he decided to take his time before going out again. He took in the sights of the Marvel, DC, and various other t-shirts and posters hanging from the walls.

Shelves of Blu-rays and DVDs lined one set of walls; the other was lined with video games for various game systems. In the middle of the store was the checkout counter, which was a glass case filled with retro video games and other memorabilia, the register resting on top. To the right of the case were boxes upon boxes of comics. To the left were shirts, life size cut-outs, and retro arcade games.

Making a beeline toward the comics, he began a mad search for his treasure. As he searched, he began to think it was a lost cause; there were plenty of comics he had and hadn't heard of, but the ones he was looking –

Snatching up the remaining the titles from the box, he grinned wildly as he dashed to the counter and slammed them down, rather unceremoniously. If he also bought a Batman figurine because he'd heard a certain bowlegged man loved the DC hero… Well that was his business.

Thanking the two men who, oddly enough, reminded him of Abbot and Costello, he eyed the video games in the case before making his way out into the mob and on to his next stop.

The next store was a quickie. He knew Lisa liked their lotions, so he purchased a couple of bottles and bolted out of there just as he let out a rather large and unpleasant sneeze.

God he hated that store!

At the bookstore's café he bought a Gingerbread Latte and decided to sit down and rest. Looking at the clock hanging from the wall he still had an hour and a half, and only three more gifts to purchase. Grabbing a napkin and borrowing a pen from one of the barista's, he began to make a list of the last three presents to make his trip around the mall faster.

At the bookstore he grabbed Kevin a copy of one of the many zombie survival guides that were available. He figured he'd give Kevin a gag gift for the integration he'd had to endure when he left.

Trudging into the next store, exhausted and ready to go home, he snatched up a beanie (plus one that looked like Jayne's from Firefly), and dashed out.

By now the sound of the crowd and Christmas music blaring overhead had become a constant buzzing in his ear, like an annoying mosquito on a summer's night. He was becoming agitated and ready to get the fuck out of this hellhole.

While rushing by a jewelry store, a thin gold chain with a small angel winged dagger caught his eye. For some reason it reminded him of Anna and he couldn't help but purchase it. Anna wasn't big on jewelry but maybe she'd make an exception just this once.

The last stop, thank fuck, was to grab their yearly ornament. If he also happened to pick up one that looked remarkably like a certain '67 Chevrolet Impala, well that was his business.

Christmas Eve found Castiel sitting on the back porch steps in black sweats, staring up at a star filled sky. The air was warmer than he would have liked it to be, which edged the depression he was feeling, on more. He'd been feeling lonely the past few days, and found himself getting lost in his head and thoughts. He thought about what he'd left miles away and if he'd done the right thing by leaving like he did.

He began to reminiscence about a music box that he had had when he was younger. Anna would turn it on to lull him to sleep the nights before Christmas. It would play "Silent Night."

Humming the first few bars, the sound breaking the stillness of pitch black night, he began to sing.

Silent night, broken night
All is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you
Just for show
You found some love for me
Thinking I'd go
Don't keep me from crying to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Standing up and dusting himself off, he turned and headed inside. The lights of the small Christmas tree put off enough glow for him to make his way to the stairs. Stopping at the first step he smiled at the tree before heading up. Walking down the hall he began to sing again in a hushed tone as he checked on Anna.

Silent night, moonlit night
Nothing's changed
Nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
You should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Crawling into his own bed, Castiel cried himself to sleep wishing there someone was there to hold him.

Stumbling downstairs the next morning, dark hair mussed up and sticking every which way, Castiel rubbed his eyes clear as his ears were abruptly assaulted by high pitched singing.

He was willing to forgive the awful music choice, though, when the smell of fresh made pancakes came wafting from the kitchen. Anna's music choices were always atrocious, but her pancakes more than made up for it. By-passing the presents he set a direct course for the kitchen.

"Deck the Halls" played on the radio while the Christmas parade on the television came to an end. Castiel made his way through the sea of wrapping and tissue paper, gift boxes and bags, in search of the spare remote controller to the game system he'd received. He was in the mood to kick his Anna's ass at Super Mario Bros. and he wanted to see if she still remembered how to play after 25 years.

Finally finding the damned thing in a gift bag, he started the game up just as "Purple Snowflakes" began to play.

Anna switched off the radio, saying the music was a distraction. He didn't say anything, just watched as Mario defeated Goombas, his heart racing from the song.

Balthazar's favorite Christmas song.

The weekend after Christmas was filled with mother/son bonding time which included Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter. Castiel ignored any and all of Anna's questions regarding the men in and out of his life. He regretted bringing up the topic of Dean and wished he had handled his reaction to the song better. The last thing he needed was a reoccurrence of three years ago. She had tried to weasel her way into his personal life and he didn't need that at this time. Just like back then, if he didn't want to talk, he wasn't going to talk.

When she went back to work he began to walk again, day and night.

And thought.

He thought of all the questions Anna had asked him. He took the notebook and pen from the desk in his room and wrote to get the thoughts from his head.

By the time a week had passed he still had no answers for himself, just more questions. So he tucked the notebook in the desk drawer.

Maybe he'd come back during Spring Break and continue it.

January was a welcome relief. It was a new year, he was finally rid of his cabin fever, and a new semester started. Plus he received his gifts from Kevin and Benny when he returned. A mystery package was handed to him by Benny, which he sat aside.

He handed Benny his gifts to Lisa and Ben (lotions and original TMNT comics – not the crap from today), Dean's gifts remained stashed away in his duffel bag.

Kevin rolled his eyes at Castiel's gift; Benny wore his beanie with pride in the 80 degree apartment.

Castiel eyed the Grumpy Cat keychain questioningly, and then raised an eyebrow at Benny who just shrugged. He was speechless as he stared at the Sonic the Hedgehog game cartridge in his hand. Kevin was now his favorite person in the world now.

February brought Valentine's Day. Castiel hated Valentine's Day and the reminders it brought with it.

Couples entered the café hand-in-hand. Flowers were delivered to his coworkers. It felt as if the world wanted to torture him for his decision on remaining single. It especially felt that way when a large bouquet of two dozen red roses was delivered to Lisa by Dean. It especially felt that way when Lisa led Dean up the stairs to her office. And it especially felt that way when Dean ignored him.

Benny was there though.

Dropping down on one knee, wearing that damned beanie that Castiel had gifted him with for Christmas; he pulled out a single red rose from behind his back and held it up to Castiel grinning like a fool. Castiel took it and smacked Benny on the arm.

He never noticed Dean glaring down at the duo as his coworkers cheered and laughed around them.

Benny had yanked Castiel down onto his raised knee as a shadow fell over them, a questioning "Castiel?" causing him to stiffen and look up.

Eyes lighter than his own stared down upon him, sparkling with amusement. His light brown hair was tousled, most likely from the hefty gusts of wind outside. Or it could have been on purpose – it was hard to say. His face had a glow that Castiel had seen on everyone's face today: the sickeningly glow of love.

The boy's face looked familiar and if he was correct, it had been three years, in black and white, on the arm on his ex-fiancé. It was quite possibly the last person he would ever want to meet.

"Adam?"

The boy nodded and reached out to help Castiel up, who was scrambling to get off of Benny's leg. Thanking him while feeling his face warm, Castiel took notice of the ring on Adam's left ring finger, and noting how un-engagment ring like it was.

The band was black with an onyx in the center, surrounded by silver. On each side of the stone was a groove filled with black cable wire. Castiel couldn't take his eyes off of it.

Without any comprehension of what he was doing Castiel rubbed his thumb over the ring, entranced. He knew what the ring was; he really didn't need for Adam to confirm that the ceremony had been earlier that day. That his husband had planned the entire thing, that they had written their own vows and that there hadn't been a dry eye among the guests. But Castiel smiled and faked his happiness like he did most days.

He congratulated Adam and wished them well, just when Balthazar came to stand behind the younger man.

The room suddenly felt hot and the walls were closing in. Castiel felt his stomach turning and heart racing. The need to run took over at that moment, so he decided to run.

He knew how it looked but he didn't care.

Shrugging Benny's hand from his shoulder, not remembering when the event had occurred, he made a mad dash from the café. A mixture of voices cried out behind him but they fell on deaf ears.

He tore down the sidewalk and away from the past. He wasn't ready to face it.

Benny found him a few blocks away, sitting on the steps of a Mom 'n Pop shop that had closed for the weekend. He sat down beside Castiel and held him close. The question hung above them and Castiel let it dangle.

Cars drove by and pedestrians walked around them. The air grew colder and time went on. They eventually stood up and made their way to the truck in silence.

Benny drove, Castiel sat in silence.

He didn't have to ask where they we're going.

"When – I don't – I don't understand. When did this happen?" Castiel walked around the Silverado, dragging his hand across the flawless exterior. He could imagine this was what the old truck must have looked like the day it came off the factory line. The black and white paint shimmed in the setting sun. The vinyl bench seat had been restored but replaced with leather; everything else in the interior appeared to be in its original form – even the radio. "Who did all this?"

Castiel looked at Benny inquisitively, Benny smirked. "The same person who gave you the damn key for Christmas."

"What key?" Castiel cocked his head to the side, confused.

Castiel hated Valentine's Day.

Sitting on the balcony in silence, staring at his phone, he scrolled through the numbers on his screen. He always came back to the one that was unnamed. It was the one that had called that day so long ago in December.

12:11am
Didn't wanna call you, but could you come over. You don't have to reply, just show up. If you don't, well it's ok. I'd understand.

Setting the phone down at his feet, he sat, and waited. An hour later he headed inside.

It was two 'o clock when the doorbell rang. Dean was on the other side when Castiel opened the door. Castiel pulled Dean into the apartment, urgently.

"I won't make you leave this time." Castiel whispered, hugging Dean. "Stay."

Edited November 10, 2014