Lost and Found

notes: we're getting there, folks, getting to the end now, i think! are you excited cuz i totally am ahahahahahahahahahaHA! nalu fans (which includes me btw!) i'm sorry for this chapter ahahaha also THE MANGA DOE! I CAN'T LIKE LIVE OMG THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ALSO CAN I GET SOME YUMMY NALU BECAUSE IT SEEMS REALLY OVERDUE BUT ALSO LIKE I THINK IT'S GONNA HAPPEN OMG kthxbai enjoy! remember to review/pm whether or not you want my take on what happens a year after the end of the story!

/traveler

The following day, I tell Natsu that I had been so tired the previous night that I passed out on my bed and didn't even wake up when he knocked. I must be a better liar than I think because he accepts it without question. Then I proceed to avoid him as much as possible.

But Natsu is surprisingly sharp about things like this. So after only two days, he stomped up to me in the middle of a conversation with Levy, grabbed my arm, and yanked me outside.

"Hey, wait, Natsu, stop—!" I call, panicky, but he ignores me.

Finally he lets me go and whirls on me with such a determined and grim look that I take a step back from him.

"Um...Natsu?"

"What did I do wrong?"

I feel blindsided. "Huh?"

"You've been avoiding me," he grits out. "Why? What did I do?"

"Wh-wha—nothing! Natsu, what—"

"Don't lie to me, Lucy!" he snaps angrily and I take another shocked step back. "Tell me the truth!"

"I am!" I cry. "You—you didn't do anything wrong, I'm serious!"

"Then why have you been avoiding me?"

"I—I haven't!"

"Lucy!" he roars and I flinch back two steps this time.

He seems to realize something and he quickly sucks in a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry, Luce, I didn't mean to—sorry."

"I-it's fine."

"No! Nothing is fine!" In a blur he's in front of me, gripping my arms and pulling me into him. "Lucy, please, don't ignore me. Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. I hate knowing you're mad at me, Luce."

My heart hurts. I feel so, so guilty because I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at myself, but I can't tell him—I can't. My hands slowly rise and stroke his head. "I'm not mad at you, Natsu, I promise. I just—I need some time alone. To think. I should have told you. I'm sorry."

"To think?" His voice is muffled into my shoulder. "About what?"

"I told you, remember? I'm looking for something. A reason."

"To keep going," he recalls, slow lifting his head.

"Right," I nod but it's wrong, I know it's wrong. I'm looking for a reason—to stay. Because the prospect of leaving is getting more and more appealing.

He pulls away and gives me a bashful smile, so completely unlike him that I'm thrown for a moment. "Can't I be your reason?"

"What?"

"I don't really know what you mean by 'keep going,'" he admits, scratching his head, "but if you wanna keep going on adventures, just stick with me!"

I burst into laughter, ruffling his hair and grinning at him sincerely for the first time in a long while. "Thanks, Natsu. I'll keep that in mind."

"Wanna hang out with me today?" he asks eagerly and I'm taken aback again by how out-of-character he's acting. He doesn't usually ask; he just does.

"S-sure," I stutter. "What do you wanna do?"

He shrugs carelessly. "Whatever. I just wanna spend time with you to make up for all that avoiding."

I blush and mumble another apology, but he simply grabs my hand and tugs me along behind him.

Stop, I want to say. Stop before you make me fall further.

But I don't.

"Where's Lisanna?" I ask, needing a buffer for my burgeoning feelings.

"At work. Probably."

"Probably? Why didn't you invite her?"

He stops and pins me with the most serious look I have ever seen on him. "Luce, I'm spending time with you and only you today. You were avoiding me and I missed you."

"I—I—but Lis—"

"Lisanna," he interrupts with a huff, "will be fine. Luce, you're hurting my feelings. Why don't you wanna be alone with me? Do I make you uncomfortable?"

In the best way—but no! "No, of course not, I was just wondering, since you're best friends and all."

"Luce," he pulls me to his side and we stroll side by side, "Lisanna's my childhood best friend. But you're my best friend-best friend."

I'm confused. "Is...there a difference?"

"Of course! Lis and I have been together for years and years. She's practically family, you know? Like a sister. But you're my best friend."

I frown. So he's saying I'm not as close to him as Lisanna? Well, I already know that.

He sighs in frustration. "Dammit, I'm not saying this right. It's just—different, okay?"

I still don't really get it, but I shrug. Whatever. Either way, there are no romantic feelings. "In a good way?"

"Of course! Everything's good when it comes to you."

I roll my eyes and turn away to hide my cheeks. "Such a smooth talker."

He chuckles.

We end up at a quaint little cafe and we order some (read: a lot of) food, mainly for Natsu, naturally. We sit and talk about everything and I try not to lie. It's easy to forget that no one knows I am—no, used to be Lucy Heartphilia. I guess I can be anyone now.

"And then I accidentally set my hair on fire, which was kinda cool 'cause you know, and then I tried to do the whole stop-drop-and-roll thing, but then it just set the carpet and the curtains on fire, so then Gray came in with a huge bucket of ice and he threw it at me—"

"My father was busy with work but I was really bored so I snuck out of the house without my babysitter and I ran to this park to play! There were a bunch of kids all playing together and I wanted to join but I didn't know how without being really awkward but one of them noticed me and invited me! He was so nice! Later my babysitter and father were so angry and worried that they actually called the police to report me missing—"

"And Happy got scared so his claws came out and he scratched me for the first time ever! I still have the scars to prove it! Here, I'll show you—wait, they're on my butt—"

"I found this really strange-looking white dog in my backyard, he had a really pointy nose, but he was nice and played with me! I didn't wanna leave him so I begged my father to let me keep him and eventually he did and I named him Plue—"

"Wow, you seriously did that!? I can't believe—"

"Eek! No, stop, stop, don't tell me, ewwww—"

A ringtone cuts through our laughter and I realize it's mine. I smile apologetically. "Sorry, let me just—oh hey, Lisanna!" I immediately shoot out of my seat away from Natsu, internally smacking myself at the weird behavior.

Natsu gives me an unreadable look. "Luce—"

"Yeah, I'm with Natsu—oh you're done? You wanna come—huh? Dinner? Oh, okay, sure! Where? Oh, I'll just ask Natsu. Yeah, see you in a bit! Bye!" I hang up and turn back to Natsu. "Lisanna says she's done with work and wants to meet us for dinner. You ready to go?"

He smiles slightly and it almost looks tired, but I must be seeing things. He gets up and nods. "Yeah, let's go."

The atmosphere is odd as we walk to the restaurant—cool and a little distant. Natsu is too quiet but he just waves it off when I ask him if something's up.

Eventually, he gets annoyed with my questioning and throws his hands into the air with a sigh. "Just—I just wanted to spend time with you today."

Oh Mavis, he needs to stop saying things like that.

"I mean, I've seen Lisanna every day for the past fourteen, almost fifteen years," he continues, "and I know she's here to stay."

I'm startled. "What? But Natsu—"

"Yeah, I know, you're here now but you're a traveler, right? You might leave at any time so I need to be with you as much as possible before you go!"

I gape at him. "Natsu, are you—are you expecting me to leave?"

"Well—yeah, I mean, won't you?" He's bewildered.

"I—" I stop as I register his words.

He's right. I'm a traveler. How could I forget? I'm not here to stay. Not anymore. I'm Lucy Heartley and I'm going places, literally.

I really should've gotten out earlier.

"I guess you're right," I stammer.

"But I guess I shouldn't hog you all to myself," he sighs, relenting. "I should let you spend time with Lisanna too, since you want to so much."

His misconception would be funny if I weren't so shell-shocked.

Why am I still here? Am I hoping that he'll miraculously fall for me? Or that I'll miraculously get over him?

"Luce? You okay?"

"Yeah," I manage. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Fine. That's right, it'll be fine. I'll be fine. I mean, I am fine. I'll move on. I don't like him that much anyway. I mean, he's an idiot. What's there to like?

It's just a silly little crush, just an infatuation. Nothing more.

Sure, he's fun and sweet and reliable and caring and cute and warm, but he's also destructive and irresponsible and reckless and—and—and, well, lots of other bad things!

It's not until I break down, sobbing my heart out in the shower for the fifth time in as many days that I realize maybe, maybe I won't get over him.

I realize I'm actually in love.

Mavis help me, but I want to strangle my heart. Thank you, stupid heart, this is exactly the kind of complication I need in my stupid life.

I'm so out of sync with myself that even oblivious Natsu notices.

"Luce, are you okay? Are you sick?" he asks worriedly one day, trying to check my temperature.

I avoid his touch. "I'm fine, Natsu, really. There's just something on my mind."

"What is it? Can't you tell me? You'll feel better after talking about it, promise!"

"Sorry, Natsu, but I'm not ready to talk about this yet, to anyone." Least of all you, I finish in my head.

Because I've only ever had these types of feelings for fictional characters before, or celebrities, so I never had to worry about any real consequences of them. But now...

Now I wonder why I ever wanted to fall in love. Because the uncertainty hurts and knowing it will never happen just about breaks my heart.

But the worst part is feeling like I've betrayed Lisanna, one of my first and closest friends.

Why does it have to be him?

The heart wants what it wants.

"Doesn't mean it's ever gonna get it," I snap at myself.

But watching Natsu and Lisanna together hurts like a knife in my chest and I can't breathe and someone save me because I'm drowning in these feelings and I can't do this anymore.

I have to get out. I have to go.

I can't stay here, feeling like I'm dying while simultaneously feeling like a backstabbing bitch. I can't stay here, not while I love Natsu. If I want any chance of getting over him, I need to leave now. Now is the time.

I need to become the traveler I claimed to be that day when everything changed.

So I pack. And I plan. But I can't seem to decide where to go. Because there isn't really anywhere I want to go.

I write a letter to Lisanna detailing my reasons—well, reason, mainly—for leaving ("but please don't tell Natsu"), though I only tell her it's a crush and I'm leaving before it gets too serious. I write my apology and gratitude and ask her to please give everyone else my love. I sign it off with "See you soon, Lucy," and seal it tightly in an envelope before mailing it off to her apartment.

That night, Natsu comes in with Happy as he always does and he falls asleep first as he always does.

But tonight I don't fall asleep after him.

I slip out of bed and put on my shoes and coat, making sure I have everything I need stuffed in my pockets or my luggage. Then I turn back to the bed, pulling the covers up over Natsu's chest and stroking a dreaming Happy.

I place a soft kiss on Happy's head, and then Natsu's cheek. Leaning over him, I whisper, "Thank you for everything, Natsu. Goodbye."

And then I'm gone, out of the room and at the airport before I can even register how I got there and I'm at the ticket counter and some woman is asking me what flight I want, but I still haven't decided.

"Um, just a sec," I say apologetically as I hurriedly read over the list of flights available, but my mind isn't really working.

She snaps her gum and taps her keyboard impatiently. "I'm sorry, miss, but there's a long line behind you. Please hurry up or come back when you know what flight you want."

For a second I think about choosing the latter option. But somehow I know that if I don't do this now, I'll talk myself out of it and never leave.

So I take a breath and choose.

© Copyright 2015 by The Siege