Naruto: An Intervention
Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.
Sakura looked around the committee she had gathered to deal with this situation. Ayame and the whole of the Konoha Eleven were present except for Naruto, for obvious reasons, Ino, for slightly vague reasons, and Lee, who had gone to retrieve Ino. Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai were also present though their attitudes on this ranged from completely apathetic to mildly inconvenienced to wondering why the FUCK was she suffering being in the same darkened room as Asuma?
Yeah, the two of them were currently off in their off and on thing.
Oh, Jiraiya was present as well, taking notes in his handy-dandy notebook.
"All right!" Sakura declared. "Naruto is being used and enslaved by one Anko Mitarashi! You all know who she is, and what she's capable of!"
Shino's well hidden expression did little to hide his annoyance. "I don't see why this should concern any of us." It also allowed him to hide his fear at Hinata's spike of killing intent.
"Yeah, I mean, old enough to be ninja, old enough to-URK!" Kiba was cut off by Hinata shifting her killing intent to him. Akamaru even whimpered and hid deeper in Kiba's jacket.
Shikamaru got up. "Welp, I'm out. Let me know when something serious is going on."
"THIS IS SERIOUS!" Sakura snapped at him. "If any of us were twisted into someone's sex slave, you KNOW Naruto would save YOU!"
"Yes, he would!" Ayame agreed.
Asuma hummed. "But what if you didn't want to be saved?"
Sakura shook her head. "You think you wouldn't but you wouldn't be able to see, objectively, how you were being abused, used and defiled!"
Asuma nodded towards Kurenai. "I'm well aware of what that's like."
Kurenai slapped Asuma so hard that the cigarette hanging from his mouth landed in Kakashi's hair. Chouji winced at this.
"Furthermore this is Naruto, who is as dense as a neutron star, we're talking about," Sakura went on.
"What's a Neutron Star?" Kiba asked.
His query went ignored.
"She's right," Kurenai said, "he probably doesn't realize he's being used. We need to do something."
Hinata could not have loved her teacher more than this moment.
"But what can we do?" Tenten, whom everyone had forgotten was in the room, asked.
"Why don't we figure out what would cause Naruto to gravitate towards Mitarashi-sensei in the first place?" Neji, whom everyone had known was in the room, suggested.
"It's easy to figure out what happened..." Sakura sighed melodramatically. "Poor Naruto, who had to deal with a CERTAIN TEAMMATE WHO IS A JERK!"
She pointed at Sasuke.
"And had been cruelly rejected by his LAZY ASS TEACHER..."
She pointed at Kakashi, who calmly looked up from his ever-present copy of Icha Icha to drolly respond:
"Hey. Older women put hair on a man's chest."
Sasuke looked in Kurenai's direction at this, and began overtly checking her out.
Sakura whacked them both over the head, subsequently putting out the fire that the lit cigarette that had started in Kakashi's hair. "AND BECAUSE OF THEIR BAD INFLUENCES, HE FELL RIGHT IN WITH THE DEVIANT, PREDATORY SNAKE WOMAN!"
Kiba rolled his eyes. "I agree with Shino, how is this any concern to us? If Naruto wants to hook up with a hot older woman, than who are we to-"
He suddenly fell face first to the ground, unconscious. Everyone looked from the unconscious dog-themed nin to Hinata, as the murderous stare she'd given Kiba disappeared in lieu of her usual reserved, if a bit anxious, expression.
Neji cleared his throat as Kiba regained consciousness and got back up. "This is precisely why we must intervene."
Chouji continued to preoccupy his mouth with shoving loads of chips into it. Shikamaru had been gone for about three minutes now.
"The worst of it all is that he was allowed to be trained by a complete and total pervert who is happy to enable all of this!"
All eyes went to Jiraiya, who didn't seem the least bit put off by the accusation. "If the sandal fits, but Sakura-chan, you're forgetting a particular element in your theory of debaucherization."
"Oh?" Sakura glared at Jiraiya.
"Well, you're a violent maniac who at the very least regularly hit Naruto for the crime of not being Sasuke," Jiraiya pointed out.
"Yes, he has a point," Kakashi added.
Kurenai nodded. "Yes."
"Yep," Asuma said as he rubbed his jaw.
"You did haul off on him a lot, I thought it was funny at first but damn," Sasuke contributed.
"Yeah! You're the one always beating him up when he asks you out on a date!" Kiba's voice was strangely high pitched.
Hinata nodded in agreement.
"She probably turned him into a masochist," Tenten surmised.
Shino agreed with Tenten's hypothesis. "It looks like it to me."
"What?! I-I did not!" Sakura denied.
Kurenai hummed. "Perhaps that's why she took interest in him.: Anko loves inflicting pain, too. She probably saw how Naruto soaked it all up and got ideas."
Tenten folded her arms and smirked. "I bet, Sakura's probably just upset she didn't get to turn Naruto into her lowly dog first."
Sakura recoiled at the accusation, but it was Kiba who took the most offense.
"Hey!"
Tenten smiled weakly. "No offense, Kiba, Akamaru."
Akamaru happily barked, [I would be your dog any day, meat buns.]
Tenten looked to Kiba. "What'd he say?"
"H-he says you have very nice hair."
Tenten beamed and cuddled Akamaru. "Oh, thank you!"
"LOOK! This is TOTALLY not my fault!" Sakura defended.
"But it is, just said it was," Sasuke pointed out.
Sakura recoiled. "I... it...!"
"Ha! Trying to cast the blame on others!" Kiba accused.
"Knew she was a pervert," Kakashi said from behind his book.
Sakura quickly tried to get the program back on track. "LOOK! Regardless of how it happened, we need to stop this from continuing! Naruto's being taken advantage of and I think we need to stage an intervention!"
"What about Mitarashi?" Neji asked.
"She'll find some other boy to do things to for her personal amusement if she can't have Naruto," Kurenai assured.
Sasuke began to deliberate how to catch her on that particular rebound. He might need to ask Kakashi for tips. Or hell, even Jiraiya. After all, look at what he'd done for Naruto.
At that moment, Lee arrived, with Ino in tow. The green clad genin smiled cheerfully as he came before Sakura. Ino was wearing a blush on her cheeks, and a smile too.
"Sakura-san! I have retrieved Ino-san!" Lee reported. Sakura nodded.
"Good work Lee! Ino, we could really use your help."
"Yes, have the girl you constantly and sexily feud with here to prove you're not a pervert," Kakashi commented.
"I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" Sakura snarled.
"Don't deny your feelings," Kakashi said, turning a page in his book.
"You're fantasizing over your student?!" Kurenai demanded. Kakashi shrugged.
"Not her. When she's legal. You have seen her mom, right Asuma?"
"I'm with Kakashi," Asuma said. At Kurenai's glare, he shrugged. "What? We're off right now."
"I keep forgetting," Kurenai mumbled. "Keep this up and we're not likely to ever get back on. Jackass."
"Ino! Did you find Naruto? Is he okay?" Ayame asked, trying frantically to get things back on track. Ino giggled.
"Oh... He's very okay... And he's quite the kisser, too."
Dead silence fell upon the entire meeting as a hideous killing intent fell upon them all. Kurenai stole one of Asuma's cigarettes, lit it off Kakashi's burning hair and took a long drag. Ino slowly looked over at Hinata, who was staring intently at Ino.
There didn't seem to be anything unusual about that. Hinata's expression was one of mild disapproval and anxiety. Which again, seemed perfectly normal... right up until you realized that her Byakugan had silently activated and waves of killing intent were pouring off of her. Those closest flinched as the heavy waves pulsed... all gathering to be directed at Ino.
Ino, noticing the sudden silence and the strange feel of impending doom, snapped out of her happy daze and began to say, "Um... I mean..."
"You..." Hinata said mildly, but the words fell like metal slabs slamming into place, sealing one's doom.
"Oh shit," Sakura muttered. She leaped in front of Hinata and formed a handseal in front of her face. "Sexy Jutsu: Naruto Edition!"
POOF! Sakura's form vanished in a cloud of smoke, and was replaced by a grinning, winking, nude Naruto Uzumaki. Hinata gasped.
"Oh my... Yes...!" She fainted dead away, her skin burning pure red. Shino thoughtfully caught her.
"Mmm," Ino hummed, covering her cheeks.
"Huh. That's a remarkably accurate henge of a naked Naruto," Sasuke said. At the looks of everyone else, he shrugged. "What?"
Sakura released the henge, and blushed. "Er, well..."
"She must have studied him... Quite extensively," Shino observed.
"N-No! I haven't!" Sakura insisted.
"This really explains all the hitting you know. You're denying your own attraction so you sublimate it into violence. Classic, really," Jiraiya observed, still taking down notes for his handy-dandy notebook.
"I'm the one you fangirl, and yet you know his nude body better than mine?" Sasuke asked in some disbelief. Sakura shook her head.
"Don't say that Sasuke! I know every inch of your body intimately too!"
"... Seriously creeped out now," Kiba commented, having just now woken up.
"What? I get bored!" Sakura insisted. She shot a deadly glare at Kakashi, whose hair was still on fire. "You haven't trained me in anything except for tree walking! Maybe if you gave me more meaningful work to do I wouldn't have to be..." Here Sakura blushed. "Bored!"
" I dunno, that's pretty good observation training," Kakashi observed. "Can you prove that you-"
Sasuke, seeing where this was going, immediately objected.
"Hey! No, don't-!"
"Sexy Jutsu: Sasuke Edition!" Sakura cried, poofing into the form of her crush.
"Ooh... Nice," Tenten said with a grin.
"Not bad," Ino said, with a shrug. Sasuke facepalmed.
"WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS KAKASHI!?" Kurenai demanded. Jiraiya turned to the gray haired Jounin and smiled.
"You've done well."
Kakashi's hair went out and he just smiled.
"Of course, my master..."
"Geez man, you are pale," Kiba observed, tilting his head. "Do you like, ever see the sun?"
"Yosh! Being so pale is unhealthy, Sasuke-san!" Lee cried. "Perhaps I could suggest a training method for-"
"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?" Sasuke burst out. Sakura poofed back into herself, and cleared her throat.
"Yes! Thank you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said. "Ahem. Ino, you say you... Kissed Naruto?"
"I... I didn't mean to," Ino admitted. "I just thought-"
"That by seducing him away from Anko, you might get him free of her nefarious influence?" Sakura asked. Ino slowly nodded.
"Sure! Let's go with that!"
"Ah, I'm afraid one woman will not be enough to overcome Anko Mitarashi's sexiness," Jiraiya intoned, suddenly deep and serious. Kakashi nodded.
"If you are to overcome Anko Mitarashi, you must out sexy her."
"Impossible," Sasuke said dismissively. "No woman here could match her sexiness."
"I will have to concur." Shino said dryly.
"You have much to learn of sexiness, my young apprentice," Kakashi said to Sasuke, giving Ayame an appreciative look. Ayame blushed and fiddled with her hair. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with some new respect in his eyes.
"Of course, my master..."
"But! If you must challenge her sexiness, and 'rescue' Naruto" Jiraiya said, "it will require a proper ninja seduction team! Flat Pink Haired Tsundere, Shy Big Boobie Hyuuga Girl, and Sexy Blonde must join together!"
"I'm all for that!" Ino said.
"Yay," Hinata mumbled from her place on the floor, slowly roused from consciousness.
"I am NOT tsundere!" Sakura growled.
"Funny she'll only deny that," Kiba noted. Shino nodded.
"What about Sexy Ramen Girl?" Ayame asked. Sasuke immediately shook his head.
"There's no need for Sexy Ramen Girl. It would only overwhelm him."
"Also, I'm afraid that you give off 'big-sister' vibes that would be attempting to run directly counter to the 'naughty big sister' vibes Anko is using," Jiraiya said. "Throws the whole thing right off!"
"But maybe my sexy vibes could overwhelm hers with the right support," Ayame insisted. Kakashi shook his head.
"Sorry Ayame. You're not ninja enough for it."
"This is discrimination!" Ayame complained.
"Hm... Yes, it is," Kakashi said. "Don't worry though-We'll have a use for you in his post-trauma therapy."
At Ayame's smile, Kakashi looked over at Sasuke with a look that was... difficult to read, but might possibly have been interpreted as, "I'm trying to save this one for you, my apprentice."
This completely went over Sasuke's head, of course.
"But we'll need every advantage to overcome Anko's sexiness!" Insisted Sakura. "As much as I want to deny it, we'll have to in order to break him out of his chains!"
"Ah... Excuse my ignorance, Sakura-san, but I am a bit confused. Why is this meeting going on, anyway?" Lee asked.
"Oh... Um... Well," Sakura began, trying to find a way to break it to Lee gently.
"Naruto is the sex slave of Anko Mitarashi," Chouji said. Sakura glared at him, as Lee gasped.
"Ah?! That's what they're doing?!" He cried.
"I didn't even know he knew where babies come from," Kiba muttered. Neji adopted a haunted expression.
"He knows... Gai-sensei took us through the lessons himself," the Hyuuga boy mumbled, pushing his fingers together in a distinctly Hinata-like gesture. Tenten rolled her eyes.
"Prude," she huffed.
"Deviant," Neji muttered back.
"Then that means..." Lee's eyes bulged. His hands went to the sides of his head. "Ah! AHHH! OH NO!"
"What Lee? What?" Sakura asked.
"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried. "MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI IS IN MITARASHI-SAN'S CLUTCHES AS WELL!"
Kakashi's visible eye bulged. Neji fainted in much the same manner as his cousin. Tenten gaped. Hinata gasped, still on the floor. Sasuke considered his kunai as a tool for gouging his eyes out, as everyone else reacted in an appropriately shocked or horrified manner.
… Save for Jiraiya, who was busily writing away.
"Well! That settles it!" Sakura said, standing a bit taller. "We need to save Naruto... and Gai-sensei!"
"Do we have to?" Neji asked.
"Yes!" Kakashi insisted. "We cannot allow him to enjoy-Er, suffer any longer than we have to!"
Kakashi received more than a few weird looks from the others, but he was used to it.
"All right!" Sakura said, pumping her fist. "I've got a plan! Hinata, Ino and myself will handle Naruto-"
"Yay," Hinata repeated softly. Ino echoed her with a broad grin.
"While someone will have to distract Anko," Sakura said.
"YOSH! I shall bravely-!" Lee began, but Tenten immediately covered his mouth.
"You'll thank me later... Or curse me," Tenten said. Lee's eyes bulged.
"Mmph?!"
"You have to save Gai-sensei, Lee," Kiba explained. "Don't take it personally!"
"Yeah," Chouji said.
"So... Do we have any volunteers?" Sakura asked, standing primly. There was a split second of silence.
"Not it!" Kiba, Shino, Neji, Asuma, and Chouji said as one.
"Not it!" Kurenai contributed a moment later. Kakashi and Asuma both looked a bit disappointed. Kurenai shot them deadly looks.
"Not it!" Ayame said, after a moment's thought. Jiraiya looked a bit disappointed. Ayame just blushed a bit and shrugged.
"Not-mmph!" Sasuke tried, but his mouth was covered by Kakashi's hand.
"Well, I'd say that's unanimous," Kurenai observed with a dry look at Kakashi. "Uchiha-san will handle Anko."
"NO!" Sakura gasped. "HELL NO! I WILL DISTRACT ANKO!"
"While that would be sexy and amusing," Jiraiya observed, "as the person who brought Naruto to this point, shouldn't you be the one to bring him out?"
"You'd think she'd do more penance being the target," Shino observed. Chouji shook his head.
"She'd probably like it."
"True," Shino admitted.
"I WOULD NOT!" Snarled Sakura.
"Sensei," Sasuke growled. Kakashi just gave his student an eye smile, and a wink. Sasuke frowned, thought about it... Shrugged.
"Eh. The idiot will owe me afterwards," Sasuke said. Sakura glomped onto him.
"Oh Sasuke! You're so brave!"
"Yeah, that's the word," Kiba snarked.
The next morning Ino, Sakura and Hinata met in a grove of trees across the road from Anko's place. Sakura pulled out photos from her equipment pouch and set them on the ground.
"All right, these are all the photos of Anko's house I was able to obtain."
"What's this photo of Itachi Uchiha in the shower doing-"
"Ah, eheh, blackmail material," Sakura said, yanking that photo and holding it to her chest.
"Doesn't Sasuke hate his brother with the fire of a thousand suns?" Ino asked.
"HE'S STILL HOT!" Sakura growled, holding up the photo defensively. "Seriously, look how hot he is!"
"How did you get this anyway? He's an S-Ranked super ninja," Hinata said.
"I'm just that good," Sakura said with a smirk. "... That and he didn't seem to really care..."
"Sakura's deviancy aside," Ino said, ignoring Sakura's squawk of indignation, "I think our best bet is to just let me go in. I've already got a relationship established with him."
"So d-do I!" Hinata insisted. Ino smirked a bit and pulled up her top, revealing something sexy and lacy.
Nice, Inner Sakura said.
"I came prepared," Ino purred. Hinata scowled (though it was more like a pout) and opened her jacket, revealing something rather... Silky.
"M-Me too," she said.
"I did kiss him," Ino said. Hinata's eyes gained that frightening intensity from last night.
"So did Sasuke," commented Shikamaru, who had appeared out of nowhere. "Not exactly something to be proud of."
"Shut up Sh-Shikamaru!" Ino and Hinata snarled, though Hinata was the one with the stutter. Shikamaru shrugged and walked off, hands in his pockets.
"Why exactly do you stutter so much anyway?" Sakura asked. Hinata coughed.
"Um... I have a speech impediment that-that flares up when I'm nervous... V-Very nervous..."
"Or aroused, right?" Asked Sakura, sniffing significantly. Hinata's skin turned bright red and she closed her jacket.
"Um... I-I could do it... S-S-Seduce him, I mean," she said. Ino laughed.
"You can barely say the word! How could you go through with it?"
"A... A... R-Ramen bikini," Hinata said with a touch of defiance. Sakura snorted.
"Anyone could seduce Naruto with a ramen bikini. Lee could seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini!"
Ino shuddered. Hinata covered her face up.
Ooh, Mama like, Inner Sakura said.
Shut up! Sakura growled mentally.
"I-I am the only one who is going to s-s-seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini... S-Since I have it," Hinata managed. Ino sniffed.
"Hey! I would look good in a ramen bikini too!" Ino insisted. Hinata glared, rather cutely.
"N-Not with both l-legs broken you wouldn't," she said flatly.
Sakura sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "You two are seriously fighting over who gets to seduce him?" Sakura gulped at the twin glares sent her way from Ino and Hinata, and edged away.
Don't take that from them! Fight for your right to wear pasta for seduction purposes! Inner Sakura cried. Mmm... And maybe for the right to eat it off their naked bodies if Naruto doesn't want all of it-
"Ramen bikinis are impractical anyway," Sakura said quickly. "You wouldn't be able to keep the broth on."
"You'd need a small swimming pool of broth, for it to work," Ino noted.
"See? Impractical." Sakura replied. "Jiraiya-sama was right-We need to do this together!"
"Y-Yes... As a pr-proper... S-Seduction team!" Hinata managed. Ino gasped and clapped her hands together.
"And I know just how to accomplish it!" She said with a grin. Sakura blinked.
"How?"
"Sexy cosplay!" Ino said with a grin. Sakura blinked again.
"... You're kidding right?"
I like her! She will be the first I fist! Inner Sakura cried.
Shut up!
Meanwhile, across the road, Sasuke, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Kiba and Neji were watching the house of Anko Mitarashi with several different emotions. Ranging from Sasuke's determined expression, to Lee's game day face, to Chouji's "What is for Dinner?" expression, Neji's "Why am I here?" expression to Shino and Kiba's "We hope to see Sasuke Uchiha suffer incredible torment" faces.
Needless to say Sasuke was putting Shino and Kiba on his "Revenge List" right after Itachi (for obvious reasons), Itachi's shark boyfriend (for equally obvious reasons) and Naruto. Primarily for being so lucky... And that damn sexy jutsu...
Honestly, it was just not fair. Naruto had power, endurance, understood Sasuke perfectly, was scary good at accounting... Why couldn't he have been born a girl?
Not that Sasuke had sexual lust for men, thank you very much. He had enough trouble dodging his fangirls. But it was entirely unfair that someone who, if he was a bit older and a girl would be prime Uchiha Matriarch material. Visions of Super Uchihas danced through his head, with Naruto's unnatural endurance and his Sharingan. A bouncy, boobalicious blonde wife tending to a whole flock of Uchihas. A flock!
But no. He had to be a stupid guy and he had to have gone and gotten entrapped by Anko Mitarashi, a super babe and potential Uchiha Matriarch (well maybe if she mellowed out a little). And he had to go "rescue" him. It was the height of unfairness.
Especially the not being born a girl thing...
"Sasuke-san? Are you all right?" Lee asked.
"I was not wishing Naruto could be born a girl so I could fuck her awesome tits!" Sasuke growled.
Dead silence.
Kiba sighed, and handed over some money to a very smug looking Shino. Sasuke buried his face in his hands. Lee coughed and looked up at the sky.
"I cannot hear anything you said, Friend Sasuke! Nothing at all! What was that? I heard nothing! NOTHING!"
"I'll just... Go get myself killed now," Sasuke said.
"I hope it's quick," Chouji said, munching on chips.
"I don't," Neji growled.
Naruto emerged from Anko's home, looking a bit worn out. His clothing was rumpled and there were bags under his eyes. He yawned and stretched his hands up over his head.
"Uwahhh... Man, that was exhausting," Naruto said. He grinned. "It was awesome though!" He turned around and waved. "See you later, Anko-nee-chan!"
"Oh? Just later?" Anko called through the door. "But there are so many fun things we could do~..."
"Nah! I'm tired," Naruto said. "But you can keep going with Super Fuzzy Brows-sensei!"
"True, true, but you are a lot more fun," Anko called.
"I take offense to that, Anko-san!" Cried Gai. "I am incredibly fun!"
"Mm... You two could always compete for my favor," Anko said, a smirk in her voice. Naruto grinned.
"Compete? Would you teach me something cool if I won?"
"Oh, I can think of a few things," Anko practically crooned. Naruto grinned and rubbed the back of his head.
"Okay!"
"He's come out," hissed Sakura. She looked in the direction of the bush the boys were hiding in, and made several hand signals. Ino and Hinata stared at this.
"... What... What is that?" Ino asked.
"Sign language," Sakura said with a smirk. "ANBU Sign Language! I'm telling them to launch their distraction the moment we grab Naruto."
"And who of them would know this? Or... See it?" Ino asked.
"Well, Neji would see it," Sakura said. "And a smart guy like that should know ANBU sign language, right?"
"Not really," Hinata said. "They don't teach you that until you get into ANBU."
"Then... Then what did Kakashi teach me...?" Sakura asked.
"'I... Am a sexually repressed... Harridan?'" Neji read.
"Well we know that," Kiba said, "but what about Sakura?"
"I'm going to kill you, Inuzuka," Neji growled.
"Okay okay okay!" Sakura growled, waving her hands. "I'll just tell him the plan and he'll read my lips. Ahem. 'We'll grab Naruto, you take care of Anko.'"
Sakura looked over at Hinata, who had her own Byakugan on. "He get that?"
Hinata nodded. "He's nodding..."
"Good," Sakura said. She sighed. "Honestly, your cousin is such a great guy... Why couldn't we have sent him in to distract Anko?"
Hinata blushed. "Er... He's making another signal."
"What? What is it?" Sakura said.
"I think he can read your lips," Hinata said. "He's making a hand sign back."
"What does it mean?" Sakura asked, as Hinata coughed. Ino smirked.
"I can guess..."
Sakura rolled her eyes. "All right, all right... Distraction Team... Go!"
"She says go," Neji said blandly. Sasuke frowned.
"Do I have to?"
"You could stay here, but you'd begin to resemble a girl so much I'd wonder if you knew Naruto's Sexy Jutsu," Shino said. Sasuke glared death at him.
"How do you know I-... Goddamnit!"
"This is just not your day, huh Sasuke?" Chouji asked, chewing on some popcorn.
"All of you. Revenge list. Right after Itachi," Sasuke growled.
"I'm gonna lose so much sleep over that," Kiba jeered.
"Come!" Lee cried, unable to restrain himself any more. "We must leap in and save my sensei from Anko-san! Quickly Sasuke-san, go in! Be distracting!"
"Okay, how?" Sasuke asked flatly. Lee gripped Sasuke's shoulders. "Uwah?"
"My apologies, Sasuke-san," Lee said solemnly. "FOR GAI-SENSEI!" He spun around on one foot, and threw the shocked Uchiha survivor at the house.
"AAAHHH!" He cried.
Naruto looked down at the ground, and grinned as he bent over. "Hey! A ryo!"
WHAM!
Naruto stood up and stared in disbelief at Sasuke, who was sliding down the front door of the house. "Sasuke? What are you doing here?!"
"Urgh... Why couldn't you be born a girl...?" Sasuke moaned. Naruto blinked.
"... Sasuke, are you drunk?"
"NOW!" Sakura shouted. Three cloaked figured leaped out of the trees and grabbed Naruto's shoulders and waist. His eyes widened, surprised.
"Huh?! What the-" They vanished in a burst of smoke, leaving Sasuke to get back to his feet and groan. He rubbed his face.
"'Distraction Team duty sucks..."
"Naruto-kun? What's going-Oh!"
Sasuke gulped, and turned around. His face, red from the impact against the door, turned scarlet when he got a look at Anko's attire.
Or rather, the lack thereof. She adjusted her apron (the only article of clothing she wore, save for her sandals) as she eyed Sasuke. She glanced down at her body, and then back at Sasuke. She smirked.
"Well... Well... Well... Aren't you getting an eyeful?"
Mommy...!
In a clearing some distance away...
Naruto groaned as he sat up and rubbed his head. "Man, what the hell was that? Why did I-AH!"
Sakura stood over him, flanked on either side by Ino and Hinata. All three wore cloaks, that waved in a dramatic breeze. Sakura glared down at him.
"Naruto..."
"Look, whatever happened I didn't do it! I have an alibi!" Naruto insisted.
"You're not in trouble, Naruto! Well, not with us," Sakura said. Naruto looked up at her curiously.
"Then why are you looking so intimidating?"
"I'm not intimidating!" Sakura insisted. "This is how I normally look!"
"Yeah, that's why you're intimidating," Ino giggled.
"H-He has a point," Hinata said. "You are kind of scary..."
"I AM NOT SCARY!" Sakura snarled. Naruto covered his head with his arms.
"Don't kill me! Whatever I did I didn't do it!"
Sakura took a deep breath to calm herself, and lowered her clenched fist. "Right... Naruto! We are, in actual fact, saving you."
"Saving me?" Naruto asked. He looked over at Ino, who was blushing. "Hey! I don't need saving! What did you tell her, huh?"
"Don't be upset with her, Naruto! She's just worried about you!" Sakura said. She shook her fist. "Stop being such an insensitive twat!"
"Um, Sakura...?" Hinata warned. Sakura lowered her fist again and sighed.
"Right... Look. Naruto? This is an intervention!"
"Um... Sakura? One moment?" Ino asked. Sakura sighed and the three girls huddled.
"I thought this was a seduction mission?" Hinata muttered, blushing bright red as Ino followed suit. Sakura shook her head.
"We're going to try the intervention first. Then..." She sighed in exasperation. "We can try it..."
"All right! Let's get the intervention stuff out of the way quickly so we can get to the good part!" Ino said eagerly. Hinata glared at her. Ino just smirked back.
"What are you guys talking about?" Naruto asked, trying to peek over Sakura's shoulder. Sakura's fist hit him square in the face in a Offhand Backhand that would have done Batman proud. Naruto slammed into a nearby tree. "GWAH!"
"SAKURA!" Ino shouted. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Sorry, sorry! Force of habit!" Sakura apologized.
"You need to break that habit..." Hinata said, in a tone that implied 'Before I break you.' Sakura gulped.
"Right, right..."
Yeah, I have no idea how this is going to end. Well actually I do.
"And then they all fucked. The end!"
But not yet...