Chapter Six

Bucky has nightmares that night. He doesn't remember what they were exactly, but he knows that he wakes up screaming and by the time he stops, he can hear Stevie doing the same one room over.

Bucky is shaking so violently he can't scoop him up safely and so he collapses into the rocking chair in the corner of the room while Stevie howls and he covers his face with his hand. His whole body is wracked with trembling and there's a layer of sweat over his skin. He presses his back into the chair and tries to tell himself to breathe.

They sit there together for a good ten minutes while Stevie screams in his crib and Bucky tries to bring himself down from the panic.

Once his shaking has stopped at least enough for him to pick Stevie up, Bucky does and takes him back to the chair. He curls up there on the chair and cuddles the baby to his chest, bouncing him gently and rocking him back and forth.

"There, there," he says, but his voice isn't very convincing. "I'm sorry I woke you, kid, but it's all alright now." Stevie can tell when Bucky isn't calm and he isn't consoled by Bucky's shaking, hoarse voice and clammy skin.

So instead of trying to sleep again, Bucky takes Stevie into the living room and turns on the TV. There's nothing really interesting on because it's about three or four AM, but Bucky likes to have it on for the noise. Stevie starts to quiet, listening to the voices and music from the TV and Bucky sits with him on the couch, snuggling him the same way he'd seen Natalia do earlier, pressing the baby to his chest. When they're laying together tightly, Bucky grabs the blanket from the top of the couch and pulls it over them.

"We'll just stay here," Bucky says quietly to Stevie. "We'll just stay here until we're both better."

Stevie's distracted by the TV and he starts to mimic the sounds and Bucky stares ahead exhaustedly at the glow. He presses a kiss to the top of Stevie's head.

The rest of the night is a long one, but Stevie eventually falls back asleep. Bucky is afraid to close his eyes.

Once the morning comes, Bucky can see the sun rising in the window across the room. He pulls himself up and checks on Stevie's breathing and leaves him on the couch with the blanket. In the kitchen, he pulls out a chair and sits down with a bowl of cereal and finds his cell phone on the counter. It's not too unreasonably early, he thinks, and he starts to write a text.

"There's a really good pizza place on Main," he says. "Stevie and I could pick you up at six."

The response is almost immediate, and it comes with multiple emotes.

"Can't wait," Natalia writes. "Better be good for all that babysitting I did! :) ;))) 3"

Bucky wonders if she's just the kind of person to put hearts on her messages to everyone, or if it's supposed to mean something.

"You'll love it," he replies, and then adds a quick '3' before he has time to stop himself. He's not sure if that's a mistake or not and honestly, he's not entirely sure what he means by it, either.

Mrs Carter shows up this morning, albeit with a paper face mask over her mouth, and she shows Bucky that she's rubbing her hands periodically with germ killer. He warily approves, kisses Stevie, and leaves in a hurry.

He almost falls asleep on the bus today, but manages to stop himself. He's not sure how he won't fall asleep at work.

Work is mindless, all filing and punching numbers. He's a sort of secretary, and he keeps the office's numbers and papers straight, a job anyone could do really, which is part of the reason he's so afraid he'll be sacked one day. In fact, someone else might even be able to do it better because they'd most likely have two hands and ten fingers and a significantly easier time with keyboards. They'd come in every day consistently, which Bucky can't do because of Stevie, and they'd get more work done than him. But Bucky hasn't been sacked yet and he has relatively no other skills to speak of, at least none he can exploit, and so doing Fury's filing is all he has going for him.

It seems to him that everyone else at this office knows this. He's a charity case; the useless, armless army vet and his sick baby, and he hates it.

Bucky works as hard as he can today. He's still trying to make up for the loss of the other day when Stevie was in the hospital, and he'd like something to keep his mind on other than the nightmares, which come back to him in shudder-inducing snippets, and the way his eyelids keep sinking. He rarely has a night of good sleep and it's difficult to keep up with.

He leaves at five, along with the rest of his officemates who steer clear of him except to give him pitying glances or keep their eyes trained on the ground when he passes. He's caught a few staring at the stump of his left arm in the past and glared until they turned away, but this phenomenon is not entirely isolated to the office. He gets these responses everywhere.

Bucky relieves Mrs Carter at five thirty like every day and she tells him Stevie's been a good boy and that she was very careful to keep a good distance from him so he wouldn't get sick. Just in case, when Mrs Carter leaves, Bucky runs Stevie through a quick bath.

Natalia's texted Bucky her address and Bucky recognizes it as a nice apartment complex just a short drive away. He's not sure what he should wear. It's not a date, not really, he thinks, because he's bringing his son and that's not typically date etiquette, and the restaurant they're visiting isn't exactly fancy, so he puts on a dressier shirt and dresses Stevie up in a cute t-shirt and hat and puts him in the car. Bucky pulls the mirror down in the drivers seat and runs a brush through his hair hastily and frowns. He's got thick, brown hair and his grooming skills leave something to be desired, so the tips reach his shoulders, but, he figures, at least he's cleanshaven. He pulls a rubber band off the handle of the brush and fiddles with his hair while Stevie makes noises in the back, not sure what to do with it. Finally, he decides to leave it down and he tries not to think too hard about the horrible state of his car as he backs out and heads towards Natalia's apartment.

They arrive just a little late and Natalia's standing outside in the parking lot with a purse slung over her shoulder. She's wearing a nice pair of jeans and a black t-shirt and her hair is again in those beautiful waves. She grins when she recognizes Bucky through the window of his car when he pulls up. Bucky gets out of the car and runs around to the other side and opens the door for her graciously.

"Hello," Natalia says as she slips gracefully into the car. Bucky almost cringes to see her sitting there, looking so beautiful in contrast to his old, dilapidated Toyota. She deserves a limo, he thinks as he goes around to the other side and gets back into the drivers seat.

"Hey," he says. "How are you doing?"

Natalia flips her hair a little and Bucky starts to pull out. Stevie gurgles in the back.

"I'm alright," she tells him and smiles, then turns around and cooes at Stevie. "Hello again, buddy!" She says and Stevie makes some delighted baby noises. Then, back to Bucky. "How are you?" She asks.

Tired, Bucky thinks. "I'm good," he says and smiles at her. "Ready for some of the best American food you've ever had?" She laughs.

"I'm ready!" She exclaims.

Bucky usually doesn't take Stevie out. Restaurants are typically a no, with so many people and so many allergens and so much potential risk. But today's a special occasion, he figures, and Stevie deserves a treat.

And he's excited to have a whole dinner to talk to Natalia.

They're seated at the restaurant and Bucky starts to look through the kids meals options and when they bring out a high chair for Stevie, he takes anti-bacterial wipes out of his pocket to wipe it down with. Natalia watches over the top of her menu curiously.

"Germaphobe?" She asks and Bucky shakes his head as he stands out of his seat to settle Stevie into his, balancing the baby between his arm and his torso as he lowers him in.

"Just being careful," he explains. "Stevie's got a bad immune system and I just like to be sure he's not being exposed to anything."

"That must make things sort of difficult," Natalia says and Bucky shrugs a little, blowing some hair out of his face before he pulls his chair back out and sits down.

"It's not easy," he admits. "But it's worth it, to keep Stevie healthy."

"Of course," Natalia says and smiles, then she sets her menu down and leans over the table at him. "So you adopted him?" She asks and Bucky nods. He can see the questions in her eyes and he sighs a little.

"It's a really long story," he says. He's not sure he knows where to begin. But Natalia waits for him patiently and so he keeps talking. "I had these friends, in the army," he says. "Sarah and Joseph. We got close and they wanted to be married once they were out and they told me they'd name me their kid's godfather. And you know, I just sort of laughed along at the time. Yeah, sure, Joseph, that's sweet. But, turns out," Bucky shrugs. "They really meant it. And when I got back home, I found out they'd really gotten married and had kids, like they'd always wanted. Sarah was pregnant and they were both so excited." Bucky starts to lose himself in the memory, and his eyes water. "They were gonna be really happy." He looks down and he's already set the menu down and Natalia's clinging to his every word and he stares at the table. "They probably shouldn't have trusted me like they did, still insisting I be attached to their family like that. But they did." He's not sure how much he should tell Natalia about the condition he was in when he returned from war. He decides to leave it up to her imagination. She can't possibly imagine anything worse than the truth. "Then, Stevie was born prematurely and he was so small and so sick and then Sarah and Joseph got into a car wreck and died. A car wreck." He looks up, hoping the irony sinks in for her. "They survived a war zone, they got out, and they were gonna be happy, and then some guy gets drunk at a bar and drives himself home and that's it for them. That's the end." He looks down again. He's probably scaring her. He draws circles on the wooden table with his finger and glances back up to check her response. She's still listening and she looks heartbroken. "Sorry, I don't mean to get emotional," he says quietly and it almost sounds ridiculous because his voice is void of feeling. He sounds dead. But he's locking it up inside and he's biting off the ends of his words to keep from saying what might be considered 'too much'. "I was really angry about their deaths. For a really long time."

"I understand," Natalia says quietly, encouraging him, but she doesn't understand, not really. If she understood, if she knew everything, she'd get up and run out of the restaurant immediately. She'd call child services and tell them to take Stevie away immediately. If she really, truly understood, she'd know he wasn't normal and he wasn't good and he was dangerous and broken and not worth her time.

But he doesn't say this. After all, he still has a story to finish.

"So, Stevie was legally supposed to go to me," he continues. "I was his godfather, and the last person he had in the world, but I was…" He frowns now and stops himself. "They didn't want to give him to me. I fought for him."

"Why?" Natalia asks. Bucky shrugs.

"I was the last person he had," Bucky says. "In the whole world. Stevie was all alone and he was relying on me and I couldn't let them, I couldn't just…" He stops himself. Don't get too emotional, he tells himself. "I had to be there for him. Like his parents were there for me, when I needed them. I guess I saw myself in the little guy. We were both really alone. I needed him as much as he needed me."

Natalia nods understandingly and when the waitress brings their drinks, she sips on it thoughtfully, still listening.

"It was really hard," Bucky says and he's not sure why he's still talking about it. He could be done now, but he's not. "The court was brutal. I had to prove to them I could do it and keep Stevie in a nice home. I had to have a house and it had to be clean and safe and baby-proof when the social worker came by and I had to have a solid job and prove that I was willing to sacrifice for him and love him and take care of him. Had to pass drug tests and psych exams and make court dates. It felt like no one was on my side, no one wanted me to take this baby. But I proved it, in the end. I passed all their tests and they signed the adoption papers and I've had him for a little over a year now." He looks over at Stevie and smiles a little, reaching over to pat his hair. "It was worth it."

Natalia is looking at him with concern now, and her eyebrows come together.

"Why were they so hard on you?" She asks and now she's really asking why and Bucky isn't sure how to say it.

He avoids her eyes.

"The army, it was sort of a mess for me," he admits. "Nothing went right. And when I came back, I was… Well, I guess I could see why they'd be concerned. I might be concerned, in their positions. I might not have given a baby to a guy like me."

Natalia's staring at him and he awkwardly brushes his hair back from his face. For a moment, he's worried that he's not sure whether telling her the truth or letting her picture it for herself is worse.

"But the point is that Joseph and Sarah trusted me, even then," he says. "And I love Stevie and I've worked as hard as I can every day I've had him to take care of him. I want to give him the best home I can, with the time we've both got."

Natalia nods quietly as he wraps up his story and takes a sip of her drink. When the waitress returns, they give their orders and Bucky helps Natalia order in English and gets Stevie another cup of chocolate milk. When the waitress leaves, Natalia turns back to him.

"That's quite a story," she says to him and Bucky nods a little.

"I'm full of stories," he says, although he's not quite sure why he says it. It's not like he should tell her any of his stories. None of them have happy endings.

Like the story about his arm. He knows she wants to ask and he's seen her eyes flicker to his sleeve once or twice, but she's too polite to say anything. And he's not entirely sure what he'd say if she asked, anyway. How could he explain? He decides if she asks, he'll stay minimal. Train accident, he'll say. During the war, he'll add. Let her imagine the rest.

Their food comes out soon, one pizza with both Natalia and Bucky's favorite toppings, and Bucky puts one slice on a smaller plate to scrape the top off and cut into small pieces for Stevie.

"But what about you?" Bucky says. "You must have some stories." Natalia looks at him and smiles as she takes a bite of her pizza.

"I do," she admits and takes a minute to swallow her pizza. "I grew up in Russia," she starts with a thoughtful smile, as though thinking she ought to start at the beginning. "I lived there my whole life. This is the first time I'll be out of the country for so long."

"Must be scary," Bucky says and she shakes her head.

"Maybe," she says and her eyes shift up to his and a beautiful smile spreads across her face. "But not anymore. See, I'm already making friends!" Bucky smiles back and nods.

"Yeah," he says. "You are."

This is nice, he thinks. No, no, this is great. He hasn't had a friend in a long time. Not since Sarah and Joseph and he thinks, sitting at this table across from this woman, that he's been really, really lonely and it was all too easy to realize that now that someone was calling him a friend again.

Natalia continues the conversation.

"So, you know what I do," she says to him with a smile. "But I don't know about you."

"Oh, it's not very interesting," Bucky says and he coaxes Stevie into another bite of pizza. Natalia raises an eyebrow.

"Let me guess," she says and starts to tap her chin, making obvious 'hmm' noises and Bucky laughs. "It's some sort of office thing, in the city, yeah?" She says and Bucky nods. "Your uniform is a polo and slacks, which is very cute by the way, you look good in a collared shirt." He doesn't quite know what to say to this, but he's flattered, and he just looks down and smiles. Natalia continues to muse. "You had a satchel. Is it some sort of telephone company?"

"Nope," Bucky says.

"Real estate?" Natalia continues. "You look like you could be real estate."

"I do?" Bucky asks and Natalia nods.

"I could see you selling houses," she says, squinting at him as though she's really contemplating this and Bucky laughs and shakes his head.

"Well, it's not that either," he says.

"Alright, I fold," Natalia replies. "Tell me."

"I'm afraid it's going to let you down," Bucky tells her with a grin and a shrug. "I just do filing work for an accounting company. It's nothing interesting at all."

"You're an accountant?" She asks and he shakes his head.

"No, no. More like an accountant's secretary," he explains and shrugs his shoulders a little hopelessly. "Not exactly a dream job, but it puts a roof over Stevie's head, so it's a blessing all the same."

"You're a very selfless man," Natalia comments and Bucky just smiles at her.

"I'm really not," he says. "I just do what I have to do to get along, just like everyone else. Survival." He meets her eyes and she stares back at him intently.

"So, what is your dream job?" Natalia asks and Bucky takes a bite of his pizza, which he's been neglecting, and thinks.

"I dunno," he says. "I haven't thought about it much. It used to be the army, back when I was a kid, but when that didn't work out, I guess I never had a Plan B." Natalia nods as she listens to him intently. "Maybe once I don't have to take care of Stevie, I'll pick up some sort of hobby."

"It's just a suggestion," Natalia says and she smiles playfully. "But dancing is a fantastic hobby."

By the end of the meal, the subject had changed several times. They had begun to chat lightheartedly, Bucky asking her how the transition was into America and her complaining about her terrible English skills and Stevie occasionally yelling and clapping his hands together to get attention from the both of them. When asked about dessert, they both enthusiastically decided to stay a little longer.

"Just to test American cake," Natalia says, although Bucky is certain it's no different from Russian cake.

"Just because Stevie will cry if we don't," he adds, although Stevie would never have known either way if he was missing out on cake or not.

They stay the extra ten minutes and Stevie is admittedly delighted to be fed chocolate cake and Bucky and Natalia beam at each other across the table. He gets the feeling she genuinely likes him. He starts to think she might really enjoy his company.

When he drops her off that night, she thanks him and mentions that they ought to do it again sometime.