Chapter 9:
"Leia!" Luke Skywalker froze and looked to where Leia once was.
Han glanced at the building where Leia had been to find the front of it was now crumbled permacrete. His heart dropped into his stomach. Why did she have to be so reckless? And why can't that girl follow orders? Ignoring the pain, Han sat up and tried to push himself to his feet. Wedge grabbed Han's shoulder.
"You maybe feel like it, but you're in no condition to help her." Wedge stood up. "Luke and I will go. We'll find her." He forced optimism in his voice but his face told another story.
Han bit the inside of his cheek. Hopefully unharmed and in one piece. But the collapse was significant. Even if they found her, she could be buried deep and badly injured, and they may not be able to get her out.
"She'll be okay," Luke assured Han. She had to be okay.
The aspiring Jedi dropped the rifle he was using and grabbed his light saber off of his utility belt. Wedge kept his blaster as he followed Luke. They sprinted in Leia's direction. Luke blocked the incoming blaster fire with the ancient weapon without little thought as he focused on getting to Leia. Wedge squeezed off a shot or two but the uneven surface of the crumbled permacrete made it difficult to aim.
Satisfied that they took out the rebel "sniper", the storm troopers stopped firing in her direction. Some turned their attention to Luke and Wedge as they scaled the fallen building, and Narra and Han focused on taking out those Imperials. Redge, Tycho, and Hobbie kept up their end of the fire fight, but things were looking grim for the rebels. Every time they took out one storm trooper, two more replaced that dead one and then two more replace each those. Soon the energy packs of their blasters and rifles would run out, and they would be killed or worse, captured.
Suddenly, the sound of a large engine closed in.
"Chewie!" Han whooped.
Chewbacca spun the Millennium Falcon around, using the drop guns under the front of the ship to shoot at the storm troopers. Those troopers that were not shot down ran for cover.
"All troops fall in!" Han ordered as the Falcon touched down.
Han's beloved ship landed in the open field and lowered its ramp. Hobbie, Redge, Tycho, and Narra jumped out from their cover, continued to fire at the storm troopers, and ran to the ramp.
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"Leia!" Luke yelled. "Can you hear me? Leia!"
"I'm here," she answered from beneath a pile of permacrete.
"Over there," Wedge yelled as he climbed over the rumble.
Luke caught up with Wedge and found the princess trapped under a pile of permacrete. Luke's heart pounded against his ribs and then dropped into his stomach. Although the permacrete fell in a way that created a pocket, saving Leia from being crushed, some of the pieces that fell upon her were large and heavy and looked unstable. There was a chance the princess would be crushed if they removed the wrong piece at the wrong time. He and Wedge might not be able to get her out on their own, and there was no one who could help. Luke closed his eyes and pictured the permacrete chunks in his mind, working out the puzzle.
"Let's start with this one."
Luke and Wedge struggled to remove the largest piece that rested precariously rested upon two tilting chunks of permacrete that threatened to collapse on the princess' head. Luke then nodded toward the next piece, and they removed that. Wedge trusted Luke's decisions and followed his lead. When they tried to remove the next piece, the permacrete around it tumbled and slipped down. Leia used one arm to protect her head. Wedge and Luke froze.
I'm okay. Just get me out of here."
When they removed enough permacrete to completely see Leia, they found that her arm and one leg were trapped.
"Are you in pain?" Wedge asked.
"Not really."
"Is she hurt?" Han's worried voice came through his earpiece.
"I'm fine," Leia answered. "Just stuck."
"Not for long," Luke assured her.
Skywalker and Antilles freed Leia's arm. Wedge took hold of her arm and felt her bones while she opened and closed her fingers. Although it was sore, everything was in working condition. Her arm felt well enough for Leia to use both of her hands to help Luke and Wedge remove the permacrete that trapped her leg. Once most of the permacrete was removed, Leia wiggled her way out of the indentation in the rubble, letting out a few yelps as she freed her leg the rest of the way. She seated herself on the crumbled permacrete and examined her leg.
"How's your leg?" Luke asked her as he felt for any broken bones.
"What's wrong with her leg?" Han asked through the earpiece.
"Nothing," Leia answered without hiding her irritation. She moved her ankle in circles and wriggled her toes. Like her arm, it was sore, but her pain was minimal.
"She's okay, Han," Luke reassured the smuggler.
"Let's get you outa there," Wedge smiled at her.
Luke and Wedge positioned their hands under her arms, and together they lifted out of the hole. She used her knees to help them pull her out the rest of the way. White dust powdered Leia's entire body, and her jumpsuit was torn in several places that revealed scratches and bruises on her pallid skin. The dust from the permacrete stuck to her injuries, and a scrape marred her cheek. For all the damage done around her, it was a miracle that she survived without any major injuries.
"Thanks. I thought that was the end of me." Leia gave Wedge a hug.
"It'd take more than a collapsed building to take you out, Princess." Wedge smiled as she released him.
Leia turned to Luke and hugged him as well. Luke sensed her relief and gratitude, her belief in him. She had faith that he'd get her out, even though Luke had doubts of his own. He soaked in her affection. Skywalker had the urge to hang onto her, to never let her go.
Leia turned her head. "The Falcon!" She pulled away from Luke and he reluctantly released her.
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Han had reached the Falcon's ramp, but he stopped there and looked up at where he presumed Luke, Wedge, and (hopefully) Leia were. He couldn't see them and stopped at the bottom of the Falcon's ramp touched his earpiece. "Luke?"
"We got her out." Luke answered into Han's ear. "It's good to see that bucket of bolts."
Han ignored the insult. "Can you make it down here?"
The whine of TIE fighters filled the air. Solo looked up.
"Not in time," Luke answered. He must have heard the TIE fighters as well.
"Where are you?"
"Here." Luke climbed up to the highest point of the rubble.
Han cursed. Luke was right. By the time the rebels climbed down to the Falcon, those fighters would be on top of them.
"You go," Luke instructed. We'll get out another way.
There was no way Han was going to leave his friends behind. But what could he do? He smiled and snapped his fingers as an idea came to mind.
Han ran up the ramp, closing it behind him. "Chewie, lift the Falcon off the ground and to the left. Move as close as you can to the building that's partially destroyed."
Then Han addressed Luke. "Can you guys jump on top of it and come in through the top hatch?" It was the best way to get them out of there, but he was also assessing the damage done to Leia.
"Sure."
Chewie lifted the ship off the ground, shifted to the left, and hovered in that position.
"We're in position. Now or never."
The princess jumped first followed by Luke. Wedge jumped, but only half of his body landed on the Falcon. Luke and Leia rushed over to him and pulled him up the rest of the way. Narra was there at the open hatch to make sure they made it into Han's beloved ship.
"I have them," Narra reported. "We're all clear!"
The Millennium Falcon quickly lifted above the broken buildings and picked up speed as the TIE fighters closed in.
"Narra, Hobbie, get to the gun turrets!" Han ordered as he took his place in the pilot's seat. The painkiller was wearing off and the adrenaline waning, but Han was determined to get them out of there.
A little out of breath, Leia, Wedge, and Luke entered the cockpit. Tycho and Redge sat in the seats behind the pilot's and co-pilot's seats. Han glanced back at the new arrivals.
"Glad you could join us."
"We wouldn't have missed it," Luke quipped, smiling.
Oh," Leia exclaimed. "I almost forgot."
The princess unzipped her jumpsuit, exposing her cleavage and part of her black lace bra. Luke lifted his eyes to the ceiling while the rest of the men stared at her with wide open mouths. Although they didn't want to disrespect the princess, they couldn't take their eyes off her. When the cockpit fell silent, Han looked over his shoulder. His eyes filled with the sight of Leia, and he sported a lop-sided grin.
"Shut up, Captain."
"I'm too mesmerized to say anything."
"That's you not saying anything?" Leia raised an eyebrow.
She pushed her breast out of the way and dug into the pocket inside her bra. Leia pulled out the microchip that was still in its plastic cover. She held it out to Redge. "I think you'd want this."
"Uh…thanks." Redge's cheeks turned red, and he forced himself to look the princess in the eyes.
Without noticing Redge's embarrassment, Leia zipped up her jumpsuit as everyone but Han and Chewie watched. Han and Chewbacca were too avoiding Imperial blast fire. There were only four TIE fighters left after Hobbie and Narra took out three, but the fighters were elusive so Han had to implore unexpected moves. Redge and Tycho held onto the seats, made their way to the cockpit door, and used the bulkhead for balance as they made their way to the lounge. Leia and Wedge took their empty seats while Luke stood behind Leia, holding the chair for balance.
The Falcon was jolted by a blast from a TIE fighter. Noticing Han was hunched over the controls of the Falcon and favoring his left side, Leia placed a hand on his shoulder. Han's forehead was covered in sweat and his expression was strained.
"Han, you're in no condition to fly."
Chewbacca put his two credits in, a bit more forceful than Leia.
Han at first ignored them, but he was feeling shaky and drained as he controlled the ship. He wasn't going to be at his best, and they needed him to be his best right now. Han muttered an Alderaanian curse for Leia's sake and then looked back at Skywalker who stood next to Leia. "Luke, take over."
"Wedge is more experienced than me."
"That's an order." Han said as he rose from the pilot's seat.
Wedge was one of the best pilots in the fleet, but Luke flew more on instinct and wasn't yet corrupted by Alliance training. The kid knew how to break the rules. Han stood with a groan. His legs were shaky and he leaned heavily on the back of the pilot's seat. Luke squeezed around the smuggler and took the helm of the ship with Chewie as his co-pilot. Luke glanced at the Wookie, and Chewbacca gave him an encouraging nod and growl.
Leia pulled Han's arm over her shoulder and leaned her hip into Han. Wedge took his other arm. They bore Solo's weight as they helped him to the medical station. When they reached their destination, the pair of rebels deposited the smuggler onto the medical station's single bed. Han remained in a seated position.
"You can go, Wedge. They might need you," Leia said. "I can handle Han—"
"Handle me?"
Leia pushed an oxygen mask over Solo's mouth and nose. "Handle him."
"Okay." Wedge looked at Han and shrugged. "She out ranks you."
"Not on this mission." Han's muffled voice escaped through the mask.
"Whatever," Wedge answered and then hurried out of the medical station.
"I'm still in charge of this mission, Your Worship," Han argued.
Leia went to the sink and washed her hands.
"You know I'm right."
She exhaled, "The mission's over."
"Not until we reach the base."
"You're right."
Leia let the water flow over her dirt-covered hands before squeezing soap into her cupped hand and putting her hands back under the water. The last thing Han expected was for her to agree with him. He had expected an argument to ensue or lecture from her about all the wrong choices he made, but her shoulders were slumped and she was quieter than usual. She turned around to Han but kept her large brown eyes on the floor. Han removed the oxygen masked, leaned forward, and caught her attention.
"You okay?"
"MM-hmm," she nodded. "Just a bit scratched up." She replaced the oxygen mask on his face and broke eye contact with him.
He removed the mask again. "And dusty," he pointed out.
Leia looked down at herself and shook her head. Then she looked at Han. You should see yourself."
"I stayed cleaner than you."
"Sure." She brushed some dust out of his hair.
Han closed his hazel eyes under her touch, opened them, and noticed the melancholy look in her eyes. Han was quiet for a moment. "Is somethin' botherin' you."
She shook her head, "Just worried about you."
"That's it?"
She looked up at him. "Isn't that enough?"
Han scrutinized her eyes. It was more than that, but he decided to cease with his inquiries for now. "You don't have to worry about me, Princess. I'm okay, thanks to you."
"You're not out of the woods yet."
Han's brow furrowed. She looked so…defeated, but he let it go. "You should clean those scrapes up."
"After I take care of you." She sounded tired. The princess sighed. "Your lung collapsed. Put that oxygen mask back on."
"But you fixed that," he said before putting the mask up to his face.
"I just inflated it." She looked down at the ground for a moment and then ordered, "Take off your shirt."
"As you wish, Your Worship." Han grinned impishly as he removed the oxygen mask.
He didn't get a response from her, not even a blush. Solo started to take off his bloodied shirt and then winced in pain. Leia cringed as if she felt his pain. She stepped in front of him, grabbed the bottom edge of the shirt, and lifted it up his chest, taking care to not let the shirt touch his wound.
"Put up your right arm," she ordered.
The princess tugged the shirt up. She took hold of his arm and pulled it out of the hole. Then she placed her hand on the top of his head and pulled the shirt over it. As she removed his shirt, Han's hazel eyes on her face and he frowned.
He pressed his lips together and then quietly said, "Something is botherin' you."
Without looking at him she said, "No. Hold out your arm."
The right side of Han's face screwed up in pain, and she held the arm hole open wide as she pulled the shirt down his arm with the greatest of care. Leia tossed it to the ground. The Falcon then made a sharp turn, throwing her into Han's chest. He caught her with one arm and gripped the bed with the other.
Solo and the princess looked up at the ceiling. They stayed froze in their position until Han's beloved ship to level out. Once it did, Leia realized that her hand was still on the smuggler's chest, and his arm was still around her. She looked at her hand, taking in the feel of his skin, and then stepped out of his embrace. Han let her go.
"Luke's picked up some of your reckless piloting habits. It's driving the Rogue Squadron's commander crazy," the princess quipped as she tried to erase the awkwardness.
"That's all him, Sweetheart," Han said. "He's got some kind of sixth sense like he knows when a shot comes his way before it comes."
When she said nothing, Han looked at her and noticed that her large brown eyes were fixed on his chest. "Like what you see?"
The princess blushed. "Lie back on your side."
Han started to do what he was told, but he was overcome with pain. He bit back the groan in his throat and he slowly lowered himself. Leia took his shoulders, held some of his weight so Han wouldn't be in so much pain, and guided him down. She then lifted his legs onto the bed. The Falcon fell into a nose dive. Leia grabbed the overhead bulk to keep her balance and strapped Han onto the bed with one hand.
"That's not necessary, Your Worship."
"It is if I'm going to stitch you up."
After she washed her hands again, Leia returned to Han's side and slowly removed the medical tape that held Luke's undershirt over the smuggler's wound. She pulled back the bloody material and grimaced.
Han raised his head to see his injury. "Ow." He grimaced. It didn't look too good.
The princess pushed against his shoulder. "Will you just lie down? And put that oxygen mask back on."
"Yes, Your Worship," Han mockingly said as he lay back down but didn't bother with the mask. "You know you are the bossiest person I know. Must be that royalty thing."
"And you can be so difficult."
"Me difficult?" Han's voice was playful and then it sobered. "You're the one who is difficult. You need to learn how to follow orders."
"I follow orders when they make sense."
She studied the wound. The bacta foam slowed the bleeding and prevented any dirt from getting into his wound, but Leia felt it wasn't enough.
"You ignored my orders and recklessly risked your life more than once on this mission."
The Falcon tilted to the left before straightening out.
"I did nothing that you wouldn't have done so there isn't much you can say on this matter. As I said before, this conversation is done," she countered.
"See? Bossy."
Leia paid no mind to his comment. "Where's the antiseptic?"
"Cabinet up there." Han pointed to the cabinet above his head and to the right. "I'm not exactly the best role model."
"You got that right," she said as she went into the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of antiseptic. "You should stop influencing Luke. You're going to get him killed."
"Hey, I can't help it if he looks up to me." Han answered and then said, "You keep goin' on the way you are, you're gonna end up killin' yourself."
"And you?" She shook her head and readied the antiseptic. "This may sting a bit."
"Yeah, yeah. I know."
The ship rocked and Han noticed the worried look on Leia's face.
"I strengthened the shields a couple of weeks ago. It'll be fine," Han reassured her.
She pointed the tip toward Han's injury and squeezed the bottle. Han gritted his teeth together as the antiseptic entered his wound.
"All done." She glanced up at him, feeling bad for hurting him although it was necessary. "Where's your suture kit and bandages?"
"In the cabinet over there on the second shelf." Han pointed at the cabinets across from her.
Standing on her tip toes, Leia opened the cabinet and retrieved a clear box that had all the tools she needed. Han watched her, noticing the tears in her jumpsuit and the scrapes they exposed. He pressed his lips together as he recalled how the building came down on her. Although he was wowed by her quick thinking and bravery, she could have died. He inhaled and exhaled to clear that thought out of his mind. He forced himself to focus on the relief he felt when she escaped without any serious injuries.
When Leia walked back to his side with the box, Solo pressed his lips together. Her mind was somewhere else, and where ever it was, it was plain in her face that it nowhere good. He opened his mouth but then shut it, thinking it was better to leave the subject alone. For now.
Leia opened up the container, found some latex gloves, and put them on. She then picked up a vial and syringe, punctured the vial with the needle, and pulled back on the plunger.
"This will probably hurt."
"I can handle the pain." Han smiled at her, hoping to provoke a smile from her.
She did favor him with a smile, however weak and closed-mouthed. Leia punctured Han's skin with the syringe's needle and pressed on the plunger as she moved around the wound. Han's nose wrinkled up with each injection. Leia put disposed of the needle in the biohazard incinerator. The Falcon went into a spin. She closed the container, picked it up and grabbed onto the handle on the wall of next to the medical bay bed. Although the artificial gravity system was working, they still got tossed around.
Han looked to the medical bay door, and Leia followed his gaze. "You're not well enough to be up there."
"I'd rather be with here with you anyway," he said though that wasn't completely true.
"I'm sure." The princess pressed her finger around Han's wound. "Feel that?"
"No."
"Good."
Leia threaded the needle and began stitching up Han's wound. Han watched her nimble fingers work. Her punctures were perfectly aligned and spaced out enough to stop the injury from bleeding. Her knots were tight but didn't dig too deep into his skin. As she was about to complete another stitch, the Falcon violently rocked, knocking her against the bed. She looked up at the ceiling.
"Don't worry. She'll hold together."
Leia pressed her lips together and returned to the task at hand. When she completed the last suture, she cut the wiry thread, returned the spool of thread to the box, and dropped the needle into the biohazard incinerator. She picked up the surgi-glue from the container.
"You should stay in bed here so you don't tear your stitches, but I know you won't so I'm going to use surgi-glue too." She spread the glue over the line of stitches. "Hopefully this will keep you together." Leia then frowned at Han. "Put that oxygen mask back on."
Han rolled his eyes but obeyed. He watched her tape a waterproof bandage over his wound, pull of the latex gloves, deposit them in the biohazard incinerator, and replace the suture container into the cabin. Han unstrapped himself and grimaced as he pushed himself into a seated position.
Leia turned around and furrowed her brow. She was about to reprimand him, but the Falcon tipped to the left, and Leia was knocked against Han's chest again. Once again, with her hands on his bare chest, she froze as she waited for the Falcon to even out.
"You just can't get enough of me." Han teased.
When the ship leveled out, she didn't respond to his comment. Instead Leia looked up into Han's hazel eyes. In those large brown eyes, he saw surprise, worry—she was worried about him—pain, and guilt. What did she feel guilty about?
"Tell me." His words were quiet, serious. "What's bothering you?"
The princess noticed that her hand was on his chest, his skin hot beneath her palm. She blushed under the layer of dust on her face, looked down at his chest, and then removed her hand. "I think you have a fever."
The turmoil in her eyes, her muted demeanor was beginning to affect him, and Han held back a comment that would fire her up. She didn't seem up to a fight at the moment. He closed his eyes when Leia pressed the back of hand to his forehead.
"Yes, you definitely have a fever. Where's the acetaminophen?"
"Right here." He took it off the shelf above him.
"I hope this doesn't mean you have an infection." Leia said as she retrieved a glass of water. "Do you need a pain killer?"
"Nah. They just make me hazy."
Han dumped out two pills out of the bottle into his hand, took the glass from her, and gulped down the pills. When Leia took the glass from his hand, Han caught her wrist. She looked down at his hand.
"Let go," she whispered.
"I can't," he whispered back. "I can see you hurting. Please tell me."
She looked up and saw the sincerity in Han's hazel eyes. Her chest rose and fell, and he released her hand. Leia dropped the glass; it shattered on impact. She stared at the broken shards. Then she squatted down and began to pick up the broken glass.
"I'll clean it up."
Han cringed in pain as he climbed off the bed, crouched down, and began picking up the shards of glass. Leia continued to picking the pieces up.
"Really I got it."
Leia ignored him and continued to pick up the glass shards. A particularly large piece sliced open her finger. She gasped and retracted her finger. She then held her digit up and watched the stream of blood snake down her finger, creating a pool of dark red on the floor.
"Damn it, Leia," Han snapped. "I told you to let me do it."
She didn't react to his harsh tone; she just kept watching her blood flow. Han sighed, grabbed Leia's finger, and applied pressure on it. Taking hold of her other arm, he guided her to her feet and walked her over to the sink. Solo turned on the faucet and held Leia's finger under the water.
"You really have to learn to follow orders, Your Worshipfulness." Han kept his tone soft and playful.
"I will when you do, Captain."
Solo smiled as he pressed a flimsy towel around it and kept pressure on it for a moment. With his free hand he reached up into the cabinet and retrieved a bandage. Han lifted the flimsy towel from her finger, and satisfied that the flow of blood had mostly stopped, he wrapped a bandage around the cut. When Han released her, Leia looked at the pieces of glass still littering the floor.
The smuggler placed a hand on the princess's shoulder. "I'll take care of it. That's an order."
Leia nodded and backed up until her back met the wall behind her. She watched him clean up the glass, using a hand-held broom and dust pan he retrieved out of the cabinet under the counter and saw the strain from the pain in his face. After he tossed the glass into the small trash compacter, he turned to her and put his hands on his hips. The strain in his expression dissipated and was replaced with anxiousness.
"I know something's wrong, Leia." He looked into her large brown eyes. "What is it?"
The way he said her name—so gentle and with such concern—shook her to the core. How could someone who had known her for just over a month be so concerned about her? Who was she to him? Some girl he rescued from the Death Star—and for an award. Someone who made sure she wasn't overcome by the trash in the Death Star. Leia touch her hand to her opposite him, the place where he had grabbed her to lift her up onto the trash pile.
Still, they didn't know each other very well. She and Han fought more than often than not. He never inquired about her well-being before—and she was thankful for that since that was all people were concerned about. So why does intrude on her privacy now? Was he really concerned about her?
She remembered how she threw her arms around him, practically jumped into his arms, after the Battle of Yavin. After the Death Star was destroyed. All laughs and giggles, the relief that he came back.
Leia touched the spot on her stomach where Han had held her when they were in the server room hiding from the intruder under the table. She remembered how safe she felt in his arms. She remembered how she threw her arms around him, practically jumped into his arms, after the Battle of Yavin. After the Death Star was destroyed. All laughs and giggles, the relief that he came back even though they knew each other for a day.
Suddenly feeling very heavy, Leia slid down the wall until she was seated on the ground, her knees pulled up to her chest. Han slid down the wall with great care, trying to avoid pain as he sat down next to her. He stretched his left leg out and rested his elbows on his right knee. They sat there shoulder to shoulder in a comfortable silence. To her surprise, she liked him sitting next to her. Instead of it being awkwardly uncomfortable sitting next to this man who was…who was what to her? "Friend" didn't quite seem like the right word. She just knew sitting next to Han in perfect silence seemed natural, safe.
When some time had passed, Solo quietly said, "I'm worried about you."
He said it in a way that was different from the High Command who worried that she was too traumatized to fulfill her duties for the Alliance. It was different than Luke who did care about her—genuinely worry about her—in a way she couldn't describe. Luke was her friend; she felt that that word described their relationship even though they had only known each other for about a standard month. She had spent time with him when she wasn't busy or when he wasn't off with the Rogue Squadron. He was comfortable and easy to be around, and he shared her ideas and her commitment to taking down the Empire. They had bonded after their experience on the Death Star.
Did she bond with Han after that experience, too? Was that why he was able to make her feel safe?
Solo lifted his hand, scratched his cheek, and then hesitantly took her hand. "You can tell me."
It was Han's his shoulder against her, his hand holding hers that threatened to melt her defenses. Her mouth opened slightly, and she turned toward him; her large brown eyes met his. She couldn't talk about what was bothering her; it was hers alone to bear. But Han was quiet. He was gentle and serious, not at all his arrogant, swashbuckling self. Leia had never seen this softer side of him. Unfairly, she never suspected it ever existed. Maybe this kind, caring disposition lay under his external rough self? He seemed genuine; his hazel eyes spoke of true concern, held a hint of hurt. Leia's brows furrowed as he looked into his eyes. Who or what had hurt him in the past?
"Leia?" He leaned forward. "You ok—I know you're not okay." Han inhaled. "Is it that man? Major Bulue?"
She broke eye contact with him and looked at their entwined hands. She wanted to pull hers away. She wanted to run and hide. But she didn't
"What'd he do to you?"
Han felt her tense up and loosen her fingers in his hand. Han figured he lost her.
But then she spoke. "He…prepped me for Darth Vader…injected me with stuff that made me feel hazy, loosened my…control over my mind…did things to me…" her large brown eyes faded fare away. "I don't remember it all. I was so drugged up…I faded in and out, lost consciousness…Darth Vader was always there when I came to...And after…after, he hurt me physically…Vader never did that. He'd just probe my mind using the Force." Leia briefly looked up at him. "I know you don't believe in the Force, but I don't know how else to explain how he got into my mind. It was like his fingers were crawling around in my head, probing…I don't know." She paused and then continued. With Bulue, I came to associate him with….pain…fear." She tipped her head to the right and shrugged. "He wasn't as bad as Vader," she qualified in a whisper.
"That doesn't make him any less evil." Han lifted her chin with his forefinger and thumb. "Is Bulue and Vader…that experience the source of your nightmares?"
Leia shook her head and inhaled deeply. She never talked about her nightmares to anyone before, not even Luke. It was just too frightening to say it aloud. She looked into Han's hazel eyes; there was concern, sympathy—not pity—and anger, but she didn't feel it was pointed at her. Maybe it'd help to share her worst nightmares. Could she trust him? The look in Han's eyes…well, it made her feel safe.
"My dreams are about…Governor Tarkin and Vader. When they….when they blew up Alderaan."
"I'm sorry you have to relive that in your dreams." Han stroked her dusty hair dusty hair with his free hand.
"It's not…it's not when they destroyed Alderaan. I dream about that, but it's not the worst thing."
Leia fell silent and Han waited for her to continue. Her eyes glistened, and she looked down at their interlocked hands.
"No one knows. Everyone thinks Vader couldn't break me, and he couldn't with his mind probes. But he and Tarkin…they broke me."
He furrowed his brow. "You're not broken. You survived."
"I wish I hadn't," she quietly said.
"If you didn't, I would have died on this mission." Han attempted to steer her mind away from such thoughts.
"If I did, you wouldn't be with the Alliance."
"I got involved the minute I agreed to transport Luke and that old man."
Leia's lips slightly stretched into a closed smile. "Obi Wan Kenobi was a great general and a Jedi during the Clone Wars. He was one of the people who started this rebellion."
"I guess we wouldn't have gotten off the Death Star without him," Han admitted.
"Yeah…" Leia concurred, but Han knew her thoughts were not on that old man.
"They did break me," the princess whispered. "I gave in to their pressure when they threatened to destroy…Alderaan."
Leia paused, reluctant to go on. The Falcon tipped to the right and left before it straightened out. Leia tightened her hold on Han's hand.
"Whaddya mean you 'gave in'? The Alliance still exists, thanks to you."
"You and Luke played a part in that, too." She briefly looked up at him.
"You were successful. Fought your way off the Death Star, got the plans to the Alliance. You didn't give in."
"I did." Leia sucked in a breath and fought to hold her tears in. "When they threatened Alderaan…I named another planet. I told them the rebel base was on Dantooine. But they blew up Alderaan anyway."
"They probably always intended Alderaan to be their target."
"I know. But if they believed me….if they went after Dantooine…I would have been responsible for the deaths of all the innocent beings of Dantooine." She momentarily bit her lip. "The rebel base wasn't even there anymore and I knew that."
Han stroked her dusty cheek as she stared down at her feet. "You were in an impossible situation. If it were anyone else, they would've broken long before you did." Han took her chin in his hands once again and forced her to look at him. "It's not your fault."
Tears were caught in her lashes, but she wouldn't allow any to fall. Han was being kind to her, even supportive, but she still didn't want to cry in front of him. "I feel guilty."
"There's nothin' to feel guilty about." Han clenched his jaw as he twisted so that he could put his arms around her despite his pain.
Leia didn't return his embrace. She kept her hands close to her, her fists resting on his bare chest, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. Han rested his chin on top of her head.
"Have you talked to Luke?"
"No." She sucked in a breath. "I don't want him to know."
"He'd understand."
"No, I don't want him to know…that I hate myself," she quietly confessed.
Han placed his lips on the top of her head and held them there for a long moment before resting his cheek on her head.
"I feel so alone," she whispered into his chest.
Han pulled her closer to him, kissing the crown of her head again. He was familiar with that feeling, sometimes feeling it in Chewbacca's presence. It was something that sat in the pit of his stomach. He imagined it was the same way for her, feeling alone even when she's surrounded by people.
The Millennium Falcon lurched forward and picked up speed. The jolting and spinning and rocking ceased, and the ride smoothed out. Han was relieved. They were now flying at the speed of light.