Chapter Twelve
The next day, as Bucky is giving Stevie all his medicines (and the list is really starting to get long now), he receives a call from Dr Stark.
"When can you come in for a fitting?" Stark asks and Bucky isn't quite sure he knows what he's hearing.
"What?" He says.
"I found a loophole for you," Stark says. "Pulled some strings in the prosthetist community, talked to your insurance, and people are sympathetic to your case. We can set you up on a monthly payment plan for a prosthetic arm."
Bucky has to take a second and swallow down the lump in his throat, but his voice is still wobbly and thick when he responds.
"That's…," he says and stops and tries to pull himself together again. "I can't tell you what this means to me."
"Don't worry about it," Stark says. "You might not be thanking me when you see the price tag."
"Thank you," Bucky says and pulls the phone away from his face for a second so he doesn't sob directly into the mouthpiece. "I can be there tomorrow."
"Come by the office at five," Stark says. "I'll see what we can do."
As soon as he hangs up, Bucky dials Natalia. He's over the moon, he's ecstatic. He feels as though things are starting to look up, at least a little.
"Hello?" Natalia says.
"Picture this," Bucky says in response, a smile so huge on his face that he can't wipe it off. "Me. With both arms."
"What?" Natalia says and Bucky laughs.
"I'm going to get a prosthetic!" He cries excitedly. "They're finally-" he stops, getting choked up, and then continues. "They're finally letting me get a prosthetic arm."
"That's great!" Natalia cries and Bucky is so happy he could dance. "When?"
"I'm not sure. We're working out the details tomorrow," he says.
"This is awesome!" Natalia cries. "You'll have to tell me what they say!"
"I will!" Bucky says. "I'll tell you all about it!"
The next day, Bucky makes plans with Natalia and drops Stevie off at her house after he gets back from work. She lives in apartment #215 and he realizes that he's never been there before, but when she opens the door and lets him in, it looks like a really nice place. It smells like she does, like perfume and the scent of her skin, and Stevie's happy to sit in her arms. He only cries a little when Bucky tries to leave, but Natalia manages to distract him and he loves her so much already that he's comfortable to cuddle with her on her couch.
"I'll pick him up as soon as I can," Bucky tells her as he's walking out her door.
"And tell me all about how the visit goes!" She replies and she waves and picks up Stevie's little hand to see him wave too as Bucky shuts the door behind him.
He hopes Stevie doesn't get sick on her couch.
At the doctor's office, they present him with the insurance files and the payment plan. Stark was right, it's not cheap, but Bucky thinks if he keeps a tight budget and cuts out a few luxuries, maybe stops eating out as often, he can afford it, and he signs the papers eagerly.
They take measurements that very day. Stark has the sleeves that'll fit over his residual limb and the straps that will keep the silicon bionic replacement on and they find the measurements that'll fit Bucky the best. It's not particularly comfortable, he notices, but he doesn't mind, especially if he might get the opportunity to look down and see two hands again for the first time in over two years. It sounds like a miracle. It sounds like a dream. He's elated.
He's told to come back in a week and when he returns to Natalia's apartment to pick up Stevie, he's on cloud nine.
He sits on her couch with her and describes the whole experience and she listens, holding Stevie on her lap.
"I've never seen you smile so wide," Natalia comments and almost as though he's punctuating her words, Stevie shouts baby talk enthusiastically and waves his hands in the air. Bucky, still grinning, looks down shyly.
"I'm really excited about this," he says. "This could change my whole life."
"Have you ever had one of these things before?" She asks and he shakes his head.
"Never. I've just seen them on other people," he says. He can see in her face that she's trying to think of a polite way to ask about his accident and he remembers what he'd decided he'd tell her. Train accident. After the army. He feels fear in his gut sink claws into his heart and some of his joy begins to dissipate. He'd almost forgotten for a while. Almost forgotten that one day, she'd have to know everything.
"You want to know how I lost my arm," he finally says and she lets out a breath of relief and bites her lip.
"I don't want to make you remember things you don't want to," she tells him and he shakes his head.
"It's fine," he says and runs over what he'll tell her in his head again.
Train accident.
After the army.
"After I was taken prisoner," Bucky starts and sucks in a breath. What is he doing? "After those seven years, they, uh, they put me on a train. And… I fell off the train. There was this ravine, it was somewhere in Europe, and there were… There were all these rocks and, um, by the time I'd reached the bottom, half my arm was ripped off. Just, gone. And the rest was so mangled, it was just…" He shudders and can't finish his sentence and he feels the scars on his skin tingle where he was sewn back up. "When they found me like that, they left me to die."
Natalia's gone white and she has one hand over her mouth.
"Americans found me," Bucky finishes weakly. "Got me help. I almost didn't make it because I'd lost so much blood and when I woke up, um…" He looks down at his left side and reaches over to grip his shoulder. "This was all I had."
He must have sounded pretty pitiful because he watches a few tears roll down Natalia's cheek and she wipes them away fiercely. Stevie looks back and forth between her and Bucky and starts making distressed noises, noticing Natalia's tears and Bucky's pale face.
"Shh, shhhh," Natalia tries to say and Stevie bursts into tears. Natalia looks up at Bucky desperately and it's not about Stevie. He can tell her heart is broken after his story. Don't pity me, he thinks. Don't be another one of those people. "I'm so sorry," she whispers and Bucky just swallows and looks down, his excitement from earlier almost entirely wiped out.
One day, she's going to have to know his entire story. She's going to have to hear about those torturous seven years. And then, Bucky realizes with an absolutely crippling fear that leaves him trembling, she'll probably never want to see him again.
With this, Bucky takes his baby back and stands.
"I'll get out of your way, I'm sure you're busy," he says.
"I'm not," she replies, looking up at him from the couch.
Bucky wants to leave now because he can feel an anxiety growing inside him and he thinks that soon, he may not be functional and he can't stand letting Natalia see him break down like that. He ought to leave while he can still stand up straight and form coherent sentences.
Natalia stands as well, presumably to walk him to the door, but then she says, "I actually have something for you."
Bucky watches her run through another door in her apartment and when she returns, she's holding what looks like a stack of thick paperback books. He can't take them because his one hand is busy holding Stevie, who's crying into his shirt, but Natalia holds them up. They're in Russian, naturally, and he reads the titles of a few.
"Are those parenting guides?" He asks and Natalia nods, taking the stack and looking at them one last time and then taking Stevie's diaper bag off of Bucky's shoulder and cramming them in. Bucky wants to make a joke (are you trying to tell me something, Miss Romanova?) but he doesn't think he can muster the smile necessary to make it lighthearted.
"I thought you might appreciate them," she says.
"Did you buy those for me?" Bucky asks. "You shouldn't have."
"I saw them at a used book sale recently and thought of you," Natalia says with a wave of her hand. "I'm sorry they're not in English."
"Thank you," Bucky says and she smiles a little at him and then reaches up and kisses him on the cheek.
"Of course," she says and Bucky leaves with her books in his bag and his skin warm where her lips had touched him.