Chapter Seventeen
The next day, Bucky takes Stevie back to the pediatricians office and he doesn't think he can do it alone, so he asks Natalia to come with him. She promises she'll be there and before the appointment, they all meet in Bucky's beat up little car and he takes them down to the office.
"I just want to have you look at him again," Bucky says as he hands Stevie over to Dr Banner, the pediatrician, and Banner examines Stevie again, listening to his little heart and his little cough.
"You said the previous antibiotic didn't really help?" Banner asks and Bucky nods quietly. He's waiting for another life expectancy number-he hears a lot of them-when beside him, Natalia grabs up his hand and squeezes. He looks over at her and she offers him a comforting smile and he tries to smile back, enjoying the feeling of her fingers around his. He's so glad she's his friend.
"Alright, well," Banner says and hands Stevie back over. Bucky lets Natalia take him. "I'm going to prescribe you something stronger and I want to see you again in a week to check up."
When they stand and Banner hands Bucky the strip of paper for the new medicine, he looks him directly in the eye. "Pneumonia is easily cured," he says. "We're not going to let this kill your baby."
Bucky just nods, starting to feel choked up, and he shakes the doctor's hand and they leave.
On the way out of the office, Natalia's still holding Stevie and Bucky's envious of the way she's able to wrap him up in two arms. Stevie's resting his head in the crook of her neck and-
-he doesn't have a gun this time. they didn't give him one. but he finds a crowbar on the way in and he picks it up and swings it in his hands and when the target looks up, he drives the end of it right through her heart. she stares and chokes and spits up blood in his face and he grips the end of the crowbar jutting out of her chest and pulls.
he takes the bar and the body back to his handlers, like he's supposed to.
these handlers are different. they compliment him when they put him in chains. they praise him before they beat him. and he remembers their sick smiles when he drops the body at their feet, like he's a hunting dog with blood in his teeth.
-Bucky hears Stevie screaming. He looks up slowly through a curtain of his own hair and there's Natalia, holding Stevie to her chest and staring at him, standing a few paces away. Her eyes look horrified and her mouth is open.
He's pressed up against the wall across from her and hunched over. His hand is flat against the wall behind him, as though he's about to launch himself forward and he's looking for something to grab to hold himself there.
His chest protests and he remembers to breathe and he sucks in as deeply as he can. His breath rattles.
Natalia wets her lips and takes another step back. One of her hands rests on the top of Stevie's tiny head protectively. His eyes move from her to Stevie and back again and something inside him crumbles. He slides down the wall until he hits the ground and forces breath in and out of his mouth. He raises his hand and presses it to his face and he's shaking. He's always shaking. He hates it.
Over the sound of Stevie's screams, Natalia whispers, "what. The hell. Is happening to you."
Bucky curls himself into a ball. He doesn't trust himself to respond.
They sit there for a while, and then when Stevie starts to quiet, he hears her sit him down gently and then scoot herself over to Bucky. Bucky wants her to sit with him and maybe hold him and just because he wants it, he moves away. She follows and he can feel her presence at his shoulder. The next thing he knows, he's feeling her arms wrap around him and he leans into her.
"You're shaking like a leaf," Natalia says and he knows she must also notice how clammy his skin has become, but she doesn't comment on that. "What happened?"
When Bucky tries to respond, he lets out a sob and he clamps his mouth shut.
She squeezes him and starts muttering comforting things and Stevie crawls over on his hands and knees and braces himself on Bucky's leg to stand. Bucky looks up at him and Stevie leans over and plants a kiss on his nose.
"Look at that," Natalia says in a quiet voice. "Even Stevie wants you to be okay."
"Flashback," he manages to choke out. "That's what they, that's, they said that's, w-what it's called and-" he swallows hard. "All I see when I close my eyes, when I blink, it's just these horrible pictures I can't stop seeing." He hears Natalia stop breathing and squeeze him tighter. He collapses a little and his head drops to her shoulder. Stevie's little hands are still on his knees and he stands there in front of Bucky and sways.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Natalia asks and in all honesty, Bucky would love to talk about it. He'd love to be listened to, have someone nod when he explains himself like it all makes sense and know they're at least trying to understand how he feels. But he can't because Natalia doesn't know and if she did know, she'd be disgusted with him. She'd hate him. He couldn't bare to have her see him the way he sees himself.
So he forces himself to shake his head and he keeps hearing the grinding and squelching of the crowbar as he yanks it out of the woman's rib cage and his stomach turns over.
Natalia gets him into the car eventually, scooping up Stevie in one arm and wrapping the other around Bucky's waist to guide him. He grips her shoulder because he knows without her, he'd be on the ground again, and she puts him into the passenger's seat and takes the driver's seat.
They get halfway home before he speaks again.
"I'm like one big giant problem," he says. "That's all I am. Just someone you gotta scrape up off the floor because he can't do it himself."
Natalia doesn't answer. She stares ahead at the road. He looks over at her.
"You didn't sign up for this," he says. "If you wanna leave me, you can. Stevie and I, we'll just keep going like we have in the past. Don't feel obligated to help me."
"I don't," she says and he shuts up.
She takes them through a pharmacy and gets Stevie's medicine and brings them both back home.
"You're sure you don't want to talk about it?" Natalia asks Bucky before she leaves and he looks at the ground and shakes his head. "Bucky." Natalia says quietly and steps closer to him. "You've been scaring me lately."
He looks up at her with tired eyes and she brushes his cheek with her lips and is gone.
The next day is his last day of work. He takes his paycheck and scoops everything from his desk into a box and leaves, but as he's on his way out the door, he gets a text.
"Can you get a sitter from seven to eight?" Natalia asks.
"Why?" Bucky asks.
"I was thinking we could both use some time," she says. "Late dinner at my place?" Bucky thinks about it, then sends, "Okay."