Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.
WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!
By GetJiggyWithIt
Chapter 2 – Harry Almighty
It's been days since the petrifying of Neville and Penelope Clearwater. Hogwarts is as busy as usual to try and prevent another student from getting petrified.
(During Potions class)
"Draco!! Honey! I'm scared!! Can you pwease stay with me??" said Pansy with a messed up puppy dog look on her face. It looked more like she was mad and happy at the same time.
"No way! You'd probably hog all the oxygen anyway…" said Draco.
"WAHHHHH!! IM FAT!!" Pansy reached for a bag of chocolate frosted chocolate chip apple from her bag. "Next time you see me, I'll be skinnier than Kate Moss!"
"STOP MUNCHING SO LOUD!!" yelled Prof. Snape. "MS. PARKINSON! LEAVE THE ROOM!"
Pansy ran to her room, wailing, and leaving 10 feet deep dents in the floor.
"AND YOU TOO!" shouted Prof. Snape. "YEA, I'M TALKING TO YOU! AND YOU! EVERYBODY LEAVE! I HATE ALL OF YOU!!"
Everyone rushed out. Since Snape canceled Potions class, everybody has extra time on their hands to do whatever. Hermione went to the library to do homework, Ron went to get some rest so Harry decided to explore. He was making his way down the stairs to Hagrid's hut when he heard a voice.
"Kill…rip…tear…stab…choke…PULL MY FINGER!"
Harry followed the voice. It kept repeating the words over and over. The voice seemed to be coming from the other side of the wall. Harry kept following it till suddenly it stopped.
"Harry, what are you doing here?" asked a voice.
Harry looked up and saw Ron and Hermione standing there.
"Oh, hi Ron and Herniminney."
"IT'S HERMIONE!!" yelled Hermione.
"Whatever, Hermininny. Have you guys heard a voice around here? It was saying "kill, rip, tear, etc etc." I think it wanted to…" Harry stopped his sentence short when he saw something written in blood on the wall…
The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware…
"Whoa…DID YOU SEE THAT DUCK WADDLE BY?!" Ron cried out in amazement.
"Ron! That's not a duck! That's a spider!" said Hermione.
"GET IT AWAY! OH GOD!" Ron prances around the room trying to get a spider off his back.
"Hagrid's really got to take better care of the castle!!" said Hermione putting her hands on her hips.
"Waaaah! Get it off!" Ron cried out.
"C'mon we got to go visit Hagrid and tell him about the spiders." Said Harry. The trio head outside. When they reach Hagrid's hut, they see him inside covering up the cracks and windows.
"Hagrid, what are you doing?" asked Hermione.
"OH GEEZ! SHHHH!! What're you specks doin' here?!" asked Hagris exasperated.
"God, I was just asking," said Hermione. "And why is it so hot in here?"
"Well see here," Hagrid pulls out an egg. "I got this just a few days ago. Ya see that? It's 'bout time."
Hagrid turns up the heat. There is a soft cracking sound. The egg starts to hatch and out comes Harry's parents.
"C'mon Harry. Lets go home." Says Harry's dad.
JUST KIDDING!
The egg starts to hatch and out comes a baby chick.
"Oh darn! Wrong egg…" said Hagrid.
"Hagrid? If that's the wrong egg then what happened to the real one?" asked Hermione.
(On the other side of the world…)
"Oh goodie! My chicks are gonna hatch!"
(Back to England…)
"Hagrid, where'd you get that egg?" asked Harry.
"From this guy I sat on. He gave me the egg so I would stop sittin' on him." Said Hagrid happily going into his own world.
"HAGRUD!" Ron abruptly brought little Hagrid out of his trance.
"I DIDN'T FART I TELLS YA!"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione's faces began to contort into disgust as a very FOUL stench filled the air.
"So, what did you want to talk 'bout Speck, Speckles, and Speckalina?" Hagrid said sheepishly.
"We wanted to know about the mysterious spiders and the stranger who gave you that egg." Said Harry.
"Well I tells ya, the spiders will lead you to your answer," said Hagrid pointing to the door, "Now get out."
"Wait, what about the mysterious stranger that gave you that egg? What did he look like?" asked Hermione.
"He was fat, and skinny, and tall and short, had short arms, long legs and long arms and--" Hargid was cut short of his sentence.
"Hagrid, don't you think it's weird that a total stranger you sat on, just happens to have an egg you wanted?" asked Hermione.
"No."
"What exactly did he say or do?" asked Ron.
"Well he bought me a few drinks an' we talked 'bout Hogwarts. He asked me about Fluffy an then--"
"Who's Fluffy?" asked the trio.
"Fluffy's my three headed dog!" Hagrid says happily.
"What exactly did you tell him about Fluffy?" asked Harry.
"If you play a song for him he was fall fast asleep!" said Hagrid, "Now get out!" With that hagrid pushed them out the door and slammed it shut. "Morons…"
"C'mon guys! We got to get to Fluffy before that stranger does!" Harry leads the way to the castle. By then it was nighttime. They made it to the third floor and through the door. Inside laid a huge black three-headed dog. Underneath the dog was a trap door. A harp was playing softly in the distance.
"He must've already made it through," whispered Hermione.
"LETS MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" hissed Harry.
They were almost through when the harp stopped playing.
"Is it…a little quiet to you guys?" asked Ron anxiously. A long wet drop of drool fell onto Ron's shoulder. They all looked up and came face to face with six angry eyes. Fluffy started to bark and bite Harry's hair. Harry, Hermione, and Ron pushed through the trap door and landed softly onto the ground. They made it through a series of tests. Harry knew that he alone had to go and get the Sorcerer's Stone so he did. He made it through the wall and found himself in a large room with the Mirror of Erised in the middle. There stood a tall man turban headman. When he turned around, Harry saw it was--
"QUIRRELL!"
"Ah Harry. I've been expecting you…"
"But, but…how--?"
"SHUT UP! NOW TELL ME WHERE THE SORCERER'S STONE IS!" Quirrell lifted Harry up into the air and danced around. "I won't stop dancing till you tell me where it is!"
"I don't know!" said Harry getting a little dizzy.
"YOU DON'T KNOW?!" and with that Quirrell threw Harry's body at the mirror.
"OH CRAP! WHAT DID I JUST DO?!" Quirrell rushed to the mirror and repaired it. "Ask the boy what he sees…"
"Alright Harry! What do you see?!" demanded Quirrell.
"Huh? Ugh…I-I see…Gryffindor winning the…H-House cup…" said Harry nonchalantly looking into the mirror.
"He's lying!" hissed an angry voice. "Harry, boy, you better not be lying to me! TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE!"
"THIS!" Harry punched Quirrell and ran for it. What he really saw in the mirror was…THE SORCERER'S STONE! IN HIS POCKET!! YEAH!
"GET HIM!" Quirrell launched him at Harry but missed! He unwrapped the turban from his head and smacked Harry's ass!
"OW! YOU--!!"
"Let me talk to him…"
"But master! You're too weak!" Quirrell answered back nervously.
"Let me talk to him foo!" hissed the voice. Quirrell turned around and there on the back of his head was an old wrinkled worn out face.
"Ew what in bloody hell is that?! You could get surgery for that you know." Harry said pointing and laughing.
"Harry…you don't recognize me? Come to daddy!" said the voice.
"What--MOLDEMORT!" cried Harry in astonishment.
"Give me the stone. Then I will let your see your parents again… I can bring them back. Don't you want to see them again?" said Voldemort slyly.
"NEVER!" Harry ran for the door but Quirrell caught Harry's leg. Harry touched Quirrel's face and it started to fry and dissolve.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET HIM!" hissed Voldemort. "But master! I can't--! AHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Harry had touched his face and Quirrel dissolved and turned to dust.
"…Where's that maid, Hagrid when you need him? Phew!" Harry was about to turn the door handle when there was a loud hissing sound. Harry turned around and there stood a huge basilisk. It was slithering toward Harry faster and faster.
"Aw pipe down!" Harry threw the Sorcerer's stone at the basilisk's left eye and a sword (which seemed to magically appear out of the Sorting Hat that also seemed to magically appear) at its right eye. The basilisk died instantly.
"I'm tired…" Harry fainted from all the energy he had lost. He woke up hours later in the hospital wing. Dumbledore had a little talk with him and left. Harry went up to Dumbledore's office later because he wanted to talk to him about the sword he found. Dobby and Lucius Malfoy were talking to Dumbledore. Lucius left the room with Dobby.
In his office, Harry and Dumbledore talked about Harry's history.
"You can speak Parseltongue, Harry," said Dumbledore calmly, "because Lord Voldemort –- who is the last remaining ancestor of Salazar Slytherin –- Can speak Pareseltongue. Unless I'm much mistaken, he transferred some of his powers to you the night he gave you that scar. Not something he intended to do, I'm sure…"
("Stop copying from the book!" Harry bellowed while Dumbledore hastily tried to hide the Harry Potter book into his robe.)
THEN Lucius Malfoy busted down the door. Then he left. Harry placed his dirty sock in Lucius's book because he wanted someone to wash it for him. What he didn't know what that Lucius handed the book to Dobby setting Dobby free!
Anyway…
Those magical words stuck to Harry, in his head, from then until the feast. Dumbledore was announcing the winner of the House Cup. And it was…GRYFFINDOR!! Yay! After the feast everyone packed up ready for the train home. They've all had an amazing year.
Everyone got on the train and hours later, the Hogwarts Express slowed and finally stopped. Harry pulled out his quill and a bit of parchment. He scribbled his phone number and handed it to the two of them.
"Call me over the summer. It gets really boring having only Dudley to talk to…"
"WHAT IS THIS?!" Ron asked dumbfounded.
"Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. "When they hear what you did this year?"
"Proud?" said Harry, "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious…"
And together they walked back through the gateway to the Muggle world.
"Hey Harry…isn't that your aunt Marge up in the sky?" asked Ron.
"Why, yes it is." Said Harry casually.
Up in the sky…
"I CAN FLYY! THOSE WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMS SURELY PAID OFF!" said an excited Marge.
Minutes later….
"I HAVE TO USE THE BATHEROOM!"
(Beginning of chapter 3, End of chapter 2)