Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling & Warner Bros.
WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!
By GetJiggyWithIt
Chapter 3 – English Chicks
Harry came home from school a few months later after he went out for a lollipop. As he entered the living room, he threw up at the sight of his uncle prancing around in yellow tutus with the TV on. He saw a reporter halfway through a report about an escaped convict named Sirius Black.
"...Black is armed and fabulous. This could be extremely dangerous. A special... "
Before Harry could even breathe, Uncle Vernon had seen him and body slammed him.
"GET TO YOUR ROOM BOY!" Uncle Vernon shouted as he started slapping Harry with his yellow tutus.
"OK! OK! Just spare me!"
Uncle Vernon lifted himself off Harry. As Harry crawled to his room dragging his legs, he mumbled, "I'm crippled for life!"
Up in his room, Harry could be alone to think about nothing. He found five letters sent to him: birthday cards from Hermione, Ron and Hagrid (and Hagrid's letter also came with a biting book), a package from Ron containing a Pocket Sneakoscope, and a Hogwarts letter. As he was almost done thinking about nothing, he heard a car pull out of the driveway. It was Uncle Vernon!
"Wonder where he's..."
"...Going?" asked Ron suspiciously.
"Hey, why you all up in my grill homie!" asked Harry angrily disturbed at having his grill disturbed, "Nobody invited you to my barbeque!"
"Oh rightio! Sorry then mate! By the way, I tried using that muggle thing you call a... err... feletone, but I guess it didn't work… Well anyhoo! Tootle loo!" Ron jumps out the window and Harry could hear cars crashing outside his window. He then heard a "RUN!" and then silence. A few hours later, Harry heard a car crashing into the driveway. He looked out the window and saw Uncle Vernon stepping out of his car. He walked inside and started speaking jibberish to Auntio Petunio.
"Marge stah derf!"
"Marge wasn't there when you came to pick her up at the airport? Why that's jibberish!" said Aunt Petunia, raising her hands in a dramatic way. "What are we going to do with all this crap on the table?"
"Danderf courcth butt!"
"Let's go get some Glad plastic wrap for the food? Good idea. I'm so glad I married that guy over there!" said Aunt Petunia pointing to the trashcan.
Just as they left, Harry came racing down the stairs with his mouth gaping open. He ran across the table gobbling up all the delectable drugs—I mean food. He raced out of there as fast as he came in. Actually, he went a little slower. As he was heading to his room, he bumped into Dudley who was obviously NOT listening to Smoky Bear. Dudley was playing with matches when Harry "accidentally" cut the cheese. Dudley was NO MOE! (It was actually Dudley's stunt double, which Harry didn't know)
Harry knew that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon would be furious if they found Dudley's guts busted all over the floor. So what did he do? He packed everything he might need, and jumped out of the nearest window! Harry was bleeding to death, and from above, the shattered window was shown covered with blood.
And he ran! Around in circles! He spotted a black dog but paid no attention! He ran for hours, till he finally realized he had made a hole in the ground about a mile deep. STILL he kept running till he reached nowhere. From above he saw a triple-decker, violently gross shade of purple, with gold lettering on the windshield that said The Knight Bus. Harry quickly climbed out of the hole and was introduced to Stan Shunpike, the conductor.
"Woss your name?" asked Stan stupidly.
"Shunpike. Stan Shunpike," answered Harry without hesitation.
"Really? That's a cool name! My name's Stan Shunpike."
"I know. You told me that at the beginning of the trip."
"What trip?"
"Anyways," Harry went on quickly, trying to distract Stan, "Have you ever heard of a game called... taaa... g?"
After trying to teach Stan how to play tag, Harry finally gave up. Stan unwound a copy of the Daily Prophet and started reading. Harry saw a large photograph of a man with long shaggy black hair, unshaven beard, and a sunken face staring at him.
"Is that Michael Jackson?" asked Harry.
"This guy 'ere? Naw, 'e be Sirius Black! The escaped convict! You oughta read the papers more… umm… you."
Harry held the paper up to the candlelight and read:
BLACK STILL AT LARGE
Sirius Black, possibly the most infamous... blah blah blah...
"Wow..." said Harry in amazement.
"We're 'ere! Diagon Alley!"
"How'd you know—"
"I don't know... Now off ya go!"
Harry didn't know where to go so he snuck into a room in the Leaky Cauldron and fell fast asleep. The next day, as Harry was doing his Hogwarts shopping, he spotted a humgo crowd gathered around a display window in the Quality Quidditch Supplies store.
"Wow! It's so cool!"
"Is that the new Firebolt?"
"Sure is! It's the fastest broom in the world!"
"What's it called?"
As Harry squeezed through the crowd, he saw the most magnificent broom ever! It came with a description too that read:
THE FIREBOLT
THIS STATE-OF-THE-ART RACING BROOM blah blah...
Harry never wanted anything this much in his whole entire life! Harry knew he couldn't stay long so he left. And as days passed, Harry tried looking for any sign of his friends, Ron and Hermione. One day as he was taking one last look at The Firebolt, Harry heard someone call him.
"HAAARRRRYY..."
Harry's flesh crawled. His hair stood on end. A hand slowly reached up to touch his shoulder. Harry quickly turned around with his wand raised...!
It was Ron and Hermione! They were back from shopping and were eating some ice cream. Blah blah blah fast forward to... the Magical Menagerie
"Harry, look at my new wand!" Ron exclaimed, swishing his new wand around and poking Harry in the arm. "After my dad won all that money, I was able to get this baby!" Ron said kissing his wand.
"Ron, the lady asked you what's wrong with Scabbers."
"Oh yea! Well you see, my rat, Scabbers, hasn't been looking like himself lately ever since I brought him back from Egypt."
"Uh-huuuhh... Ok... Hmmmmmm... What is that! Yeah, OK..." the witch replied after close examination. "Do you want a new rat? This one doesn't even have all its toes! I suggest you try one of these rats. They like skipping."
The witch pointed to a few black rats in a cage that started skipping.
"Or if you prefer keeping this one, here's a rat tonic you might want to try."
"Alright," said Ron. "How much—"
POUNCE! Pounces (Ron: Whoa! What the—) CRASH!
"OUCH! What in bloody hell was that?" asked Ron aghast.
"CROOKSHANKS CROOKSHANKS NO!" the witch shouted. Crookshanks landed on the counter and scared Scabbers away.
"SCABBERS NO!" Ron chased after him, with Harry not far behind.
After Ron finally caught up with Scabbers, and safely tucked him away in his chest pocket, Hermione came out of the store, with a ginger colored cat in her arms.
"You actually bought that… that that… beast!" asked Ron disgusted.
"He's not a beast Ronald! He's beautiful, and cuddly!" said Hermione defensively, stroking Crookshanks on the head.
"So anyway, Harry. I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and everybody else to King's Cross tomorrow to the Hogwarts Express." Ron said finally noticing Harry.
"Sure." Said Harry as they all headed back to The Leaky Cauldron where they all ate and then slept.
The next day after everyone was done packing, they all headed towards Kings Cross in the family (Anglia) car. Mrs. and Mr. Weasley were bickering about Harry but nothing important. Everybody raced through the barrier before Mrs. Weasley could give them good-bye hugs and kisses. Most of the compartments on the train were full so they all went their separate ways. Harry, Ron, and Hermione found one near the back of the train. The train gave a great lurch and Harry went sailing through the air. Then he blacked out.
End of chapter 3