A/N: Word to your mother!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters and elements are trademarks of J.K. Rowling.

WTF! Another Harry Potter Story?!
by GetJiggyWithIt

Chapter 5 – She da Man!

The big day had arrived. Harry looked so beautiful in his wedding dress! Oh wait…

The big day had arrived. When Harry walked onto the field, he heard loud, cheerful applause coming from the audience. It was so loud in fact that it felt as if it was coming from somewhere right next to him…

"WE LOVE YOU!" screamed two girls, standing right beside Harry, into his ears.

Twelve security guards had to run onto the field and beat the girls with bread loaves to make them leave. ("WE'LL BE BACK!")

After a few moments, the golden Snitch was released. Harry searched vigorously for it while sneaking glances at Ravenclaw's seeker, Cho Chang. Her shoes were FAB-U-LOUS! Pink Chanel quilted ballet flats with printed insoles! So yummy!

When Harry spotted the Snitch, he dived and caught it! Yay for Gryffindor! Later that night, there was a celebration party to celebrate and party. Afterwards, everyone went to bed and slept soundly. SUDDENLY!

"HOLY MOLY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Harry awoke with a start. Ron was screaming that he saw Sirius Black with a knife. He had slashed Ron's curtains and tried to kill him!

"Are you Sirius?!" shouted Harry. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. The pun was just waiting to be made." He sprinted downstairs to catch up with Ron.

Pretty much everybody heard Ron's screams and gathered in the common room. Professor McGonagall had to be called in to break up the ruckus. Ron retold his story to her, and she didn't believe him.

"What? You no believe?! Go ask Sir Cadogan!" shouted Ron. "I'm telling you he was here! With a knife!"

McGonagall went outside and asked the portrait if he had let anybody in.

"Of course I did! He had all the passwords on a sheet of paper and recited them all to me. Plus he was hot!" said Sir Cadogan as he fanned himself because he was blushing.

An awkward silence filled the air. Everybody was told to go back to sleep. Obviously no one could sleep. Obviously. At dawn, they were told that Sirius had escaped again.

"Geez are you kidding me?!" cried Ron. "I wanna see some Magical CIA come busting down doors with triple-toxic, nuclear, 95,000 round shotguns! What am I paying taxes for?!"

"Ron, you don't pay taxes. You didn't even know what taxes were until I told you." Harry said.

"SO?! Do you know what the main source of federal government revenue is?!" Ron asked defiantly.

"You and I my friend." replied Harry.

"Damn skippy! Now where's my freakin' breakfast?!" Ron shouted angrily. "Hey you bobble-headed elves! How's about some scrambled eggs and toast!"

For the rest of the day, everybody avoided Ron and his warpath.

"I'm a real hero! I survived Sirius Black and his knife of death! That's way better than not dying from Voldemort's killing curse. Pffft. I'll take that medal whenever it's ready." Ron shouted at Dumbledore as Dumbledore walked by to get to Dumbledore's seat.

Neville had received a howler from his grandmother, and Harry had gotten a note from Hagrid inviting him and Ron to tea and crumpets, scones, and biscuits. That whole British sha-bang y'know. They discussed Buckbeak's trial. The trial date was near, and Hagrid mentioned that Hermione had been helping defend his case. After their visit, the two returned to the castle.

"Hey the next Hogsmeade trip is coming up! You wanna go?" Ron asked Harry as they walked up the stairs to their dorm.

"Sho thang. 'Cause y'know, I'm a balla. I'm blangin'." Harry said as he slicked back his hair with his spit.

"Wow Harry. Thanks for the lesson in white-boy ghetto wannabe terminology. Now I'm down. Fo shizzle!" Ron said as he raised his hand to meet Harry in a high five. He was left hanging.

On the day of the Hogsmeade trip, Harry put on his invisibility cloak and used his Maurauder's Map to get to Ron. At Hogsmeade, the two met up in front of the shambled Shrieking Shack. Later, they ran into Draco Malfoy. Everybody knows Draco right? The sweet young lad with the blond hair and blue eyes? Yeah him. Some may shout nay and tell me that he is some evil rich punk with a cold heart out to get Harry in trouble. But seriously? Draco Malfoy? Evil and rich? It's like I'm writing a fantasy novel! *Chuckles* Silly naïve little children.

Anyway! Draco was making fun of Ron, hurling insults left and right.

"Weasley, is that your house behind you? Is that all you could afford? What, no diamonds? No 1000" flat screen HD-TV? Your parents must hate you!" Draco hissed. He then started to sniff the air. "What's that? Do I smell smoke? 'Cause you just got burned!" He and his cronies did their "Boo-yah!" dance and smacked butts to show congratulations.

Harry threw mud at him. Draco sent one of his minions to search for the cause of the mug flinging. Crabbe accidentally stepped on Harry's cloak revealing Harry's head. Harry ran and made it back to school, but Snape saw him.

"Come with me Potter. My plan of attack is to give you the evil eye and question you until you tell me the truth. Oops! Uh…pretend you didn't hear that…" Snape said as he started to drag Harry away.

"Uh wait! First, you have to tell me how your date with Professor Sprout went! I'm dying to know!" Harry said as his ears screamed out in protest and began to melt off his head.

"It was great thanks! We first got onto a hearse because I couldn't afford a full decked out black limousine 'cause y'know those are, like, 15 galleons. That, like, way too much money for me to spend on her. Did you see her outfit? Green striped wool pants and a graphic tee with red patent leather peep-toe pumps! Icky." Snape said as he tossed his hair behind his shoulder.

The entire time Snape was babbling, Harry nodded his head, feigning interest. The first chance he saw, he ran for it. Sadly, as he was running away, everything from his pockets, candy and the Marauder's Map, fell onto the floor right in front of Snape. Snape picked them up and delivered them to Lupin.

"Happy Christmas!" Snape said as he handed Lupin the map. "And happy birthday!" He handed Lupin the bag of candy. "Now don't ever talk to me again you creepo." Snape walked away, back under the rock from which he came.

Lupin sighed. He knew exactly what the map was and kept it from Harry to ensure that he stayed safely within the walls of Hogwarts. Harry still running away from Snape ran into Ron. They walked together and as they were turning a corner, met up with Hermione. Ron wasn't pleased to see her and hoped she had come with the news that she had gotten rid of Crookshanks, the cat accused of eating Scabbers.

Her eyes were filled with tears, and she was trembling. "Hagrid…he…he lost his case. Buckbeak is awaiting execution."

DUN DUN DUN!!!! Stay tuned for the next chapters. Maybe I'll finally finish writing about book 3, and get on with my life…