The Story So Far According To Harvey: All I wanted was ONE cookie! Just ONE! And Crane wouldn't even give me that? Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy? Why doest he world always spit in my face? What have I done to deserve all of this? I was always a good person. I was even selfless! Where did it all go so wrong? I mean, really! Blah blah blah…(insert more melodramatic prose here)
Joker: Jonathaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Crane: Joker, I've warned you about saying my name with an extended vowel. It's so childish.
Joker: We have been at this for two hours now!
Crane: Your point?
Joker: If you're going to keep me here, I demand to at least be fed!
Harvey: Hey, I'm on a roll here. Look at these cupcakes!
Harvey holds out the tray with all the cupcakes he personalized himself. Strangely enough half of the cupcake was slathered in butter cream and the other half in the red colored frosting.
Harvey: I designed them myself.
The Joker and Crane look at each other and exchange a glance. There was no need to comment. The silence said it all.
Joker: Ahem, well. I want something to EAT!
Crane: Make something yourself. I'm going to continue this until the job is done. If you want something, look in the fridge.
The Joker mumbled angrily, walked over to the fridge door, and opened it. For being a full-time villain who was always on the run, Crane sure had quite the fridge full of food…but he had his own acquired tastes; and it wasn't one that he shared in common with the Joker.
Joker: CRANE! What is this?!
Crane: (leans over to see what the Joker is holding up) They are called Lean Pockets. It's microwavable food.
Joker: I know what they are! But LEAN? Haven't you the decency to at least buy the regular Hot Pockets? Oh? And what's this? VEGGIE PATTIES?!
Crane: They are healthier than meat, Joker.
Joker: How do you survive like this?! Light Mayo? Too good for the original fat-filled mayo, are you Jonathan?
Crane: Look, if you have a problem with my food then don't eat it. Simple as that.
But the Joker wasn't done making fun of Crane's food supply.
Joker: Salads, light yogurt, fruit, low fat milk, juice…CRANE I AM GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR FRIDGE IF IT DOESN'T YIELD SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!
Harvey: Sounds like someone likes to watch their figure. You're a mental health doctor, not a physician.
Crane: Well, excuse me for doing something good for myself.
Joker: You know I have a major sweet tooth. Anything with sugar around here? Anything at all?
Crane: I have…..fruit.
The Joker glared at Crane momentarily before he grabbed a chaired and smashed it against the wall. Not that he was angry; it was just something for him to do. He did the same with the three other chairs. Neither Crane nor Harvey flinched. They stood over the cupcakes and spread the frosting ignoring the mess the Joker was doing.
Crane: Oh woe, the child is having a tantrum because he can't have any candy.
Joker: I hate your hideout Crane! I'm going to burn it to the ground!!
Crane: You already did that to my previous hideout.
Joker: Fine, then I'll infest this place with roaches and bugs!
Harvey: Vengeance through insects…hmm, creative.
Crane: If it makes you feel any better, you can order take out. Child.
Joker: (in a childish voice) Awwww you really, really mean it Mommy Crane? Is Daddy Harvey okay with that too?
Harvey: Chinese take-out!
Ah, good choice Harvey. It's a known fact that all villains have a liking for Chinese food. Seriously. The Joker skipped happily over to the phone and dialed the nearby Chinese restaurant.
Joker: I want an order of everything on your menu!...... That's right!........ Cash or credit? Er, how about you put it on Bruce Wayne's tab…..of course I know him! Ahh, we're close cousins! Geez.……..No this isn't the Joker!.......I'll have you know the Joker is also a close cousin of mine and he's quite the fellow! Spiffy dresser, a humor to die for, and he even has an impeccable taste in ties!....No, I am not going to pass a message on to him! He's a busy person. Always, always busy….No I can't tell you where he's planning to strike next-Ah, look! Just get me my food! (slams the phone down and hangs up)
Harvey: Bruce Wayne? I knew him.
Crane: Isn't he that billionaire orphan?
Harvey: Yeah, that's the one. Why'd you place it under him?
Joker: Always have…and it's always worked. Hey, you ever get the feeling you just know the guy? I've never met him personally, but I still get this feeling…
Crane/Harvey: Yeah, yeah!
Crane: I've never met him either, but I felt like I have.
Harvey: What could it be?
All three: Hmmmmmmmm……….
They stand there in deep, thoughtful silence trying to pinpoint this conundrum.
Joker: Something…about that Wayne guy…something….
Crane: I've seen him before, like I've met him…
Harvey: I've seen him around somewhere else…somewhere…
Joker: Yeaaaahhh… (snaps his fingers) AHA! I'VE GOT IT!!! I can't believe I didn't see it all along! It makes perfect sense! Everything! We've all seen him!
Crane/ Harvey: Really?
Joker: Yes!! Bruce Wayne is…
Crane/ Harvey: Is?
Joker: -is in that new spokesperson on the campaigns for that new soda made from kittens!
Crane/ Harvey: Of course!!
Crane: That is why he seemed so familiar. It all makes sense now.
They each nodded approvingly to each other and resumed their cupcake making duties. Soon after, there was a knock on the door and the instant aroma of Chinese food. The Joker ran to the door excitedly and swung open the door. A lanky teen boy with a serious acne problem stood there holding the boxes of food.
Joker: (opening door) Well hellllo there.
The kid shrieked as he realized who he was standing in front of, dropped the boxes on the floor, and quickly ran away.
Joker: Wait, wait! You forgot your tip!! Teenagers these days don't know what's best for them.
The Joker closed the door and took the food into the living room. Harvey came in hoping for some food. Not that someone like the Joker would ever share.
Joker: What do you think you're doing?
Harvey: I'm hungry too. And you have plenty!
Joker: Who ordered the food, hmm?
Harvey: But…but…I want some…
Joker: Harvey, it's a matter of principle. If I shared, what would that say about me?
Harvey: That you might not be a gluttonous pig?
Joker: Noooo, it would mean that I am as bad of a villain as Queercrow here.
Crane: (calling from the kitchen) I heard that Joker.
Joker: Good. You were supposed to.
Harvey: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?
Joker: Get back in the kitchen with Crane.
Harvey: Fine, then you don't get dessert.
Joker: Oh boo hoo hoo. You're breaking my heart Harvey. HA-HA!
So Harvey returned to his baking duties and the Joker relaxed on the couch disregarding the others, although he did periodically go into the kitchen to laugh and sneer at them. A few hours passed as Crane worked productively. Still, there were only two more hours until he would have to anonymously drop the baked goods. Crane began muttering angrily about the time crunch. Unfortunately for him, that's when things became worse.
Harvey: I'd hate to break the bad news to you but…I think we're out of ingredients. The cupboards are all empty.
Crane: You sure?
Harvey: Yeah, there's nothing…oh wait! I found Top Ramen! Hah! Take that Joker! Looks like I won't be dying of starvation.
Crane: But there's still plenty of fear toxin left. And I'm only about halfway done! This isn't good…This isn't good at all.
Joker: (walks into the kitchen) What seems to be the problem Queercrow? Burned your cakes?
Crane: We're out of ingredients and I'm not done! This is bad…what should I do now?
Joker: Well judging by that unusual disregard of my insult, this must be a big deal to you.
Crane: There aren't enough cupcakes and cookies yet…
Joker: Don't worry your little straw of a brain about it. I have an idea!
Crane: Coming from you, do I really want to know?
Joker: (puts his arm around Crane) Oh Johnny, Johnny, if you are ever going to trust me, let it be now. We're taking a trip to the grocery store!
Crane: (sigh) Fine. Harvey you are in charge here until we come back with more ingredients. And whatever you do, do not leave the oven unattended.
Harvey: You treat me as if I have never cooked anything in my life.
Crane: No, I'm treating you a child, like the child you are.
Harvey: Oh……….that's worse.
So the Joker and Crane walk to the nearest grocery store. Oh, and yes, they are carrying some heavy firearms. The Joker runs in shooting intimidating rounds into the air… because all criminals have to. I guess it's some sort of rule to burglary. Scarecrow follows behind.
Joker: (running in shooting upwards) Hello there faithful grocery shoppers of Gotham! Me and my straw-filled accomplice—
Scarecrow: Ahem, that would be Scarecrow. Not straw-filled accomplice.
Joker: (whispering to Scarecrow) Shh, you'll ruin the introduction. This is supposed to be a villain scare tactic. Ahem, (back to shoppers) we require some victuals and we will be requiring our assistance in gathering them.
A fearful whisper wavered through the crowd. The Joker shot more bullets into the air and the crowd was immediately hushed. The Scarecrow grabbed a shopping cart and placed it in front of him.
Joker: Here is now our game will work. We will tell you something we want and one of you must bring it for us. For each item you don't bring, I'll kill someone! Simple as that. So let's start the fun! And don't forget…SMILE!
GASP! Wondering what will happen next? Continue on and FIND OUT!