Final chapter in this wondrous Christmas tale. Pardon any grammatical errors. My eyes have turned to something of a pudding substance from being so long at the computer doing this. But who needs eyes anyways? Vision is so over-rated.
As always, I don't own The Joker, Jonathan Crane (Scarecrow), or Harvey Dent (Two-Face).
The Story So Far According To The Joker: Frosty the Snowmaaaaaaan had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you would even say DECK the halls with bombs of nitrate HA-HAHA-HAHA-HAHA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Oh right. Crane and I are holding up a grocery store because we need…things. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!
Back at Crane's apartment.
Harvey was in the apartment all alone listening to the radio, the love song station to be precise. He was in deep concentration as he spread the frosting as nicely as he could over the cupcakes. Then his and Rachel's love song began to play on the radio. He began to cry. Poor emo Harvey.
Back at the grocery store.
Joker: First item on the list is…(whispering to Scarecrow) what's the first ingredient we need?
Scarecrow: (pulls out a shopping list from his pocket) Granulated sugar.
Joker: (to the shoppers) GRANULATED SUGAR! Time's a'tickin' people!
The crowd began to scramble as they frantically searched for the sugar. A small, nervous boy carrying a packet of sugar slowly came forward.
Boy: I-I-uh…(holding out a packet of sugar)
Scarecrow: Put it in the cart.
The boy quickly threw the packet in the cart and ran back into the crowd.
Joker: See? Easy, continue your compliance and no one gets hurt. Next item on the list is…
Scarecrow: Sprinkles.
Joker: SPRINKLES! We demand sprinkles! Get it or someone here dies!
A group of people scrambled once more as they ran to the sprinkles.
Joker: See here, armed robbery solves everything. Let that be a lesson to you Scarecrow.
Scarecrow: Well excuse me, I've always found robbery much too base of a crime.
Joker: Too good for robbery, are you?
Scarecrow: I consider myself so, yes.
Joker: And now look, just look at how much this helps you. I think you owe armed robbery an apology.
Scarecrow: (sigh) This is a one time thing. I desperately needed the ingredients in the name of fear research. But I hope we can get this over with already. I don't trust Harvey alone in my apartment.
Back at the apartment.
Harvey just never could get over the tragedies in his life. It was always just crying with him. And when he wasn't crying, he was mourning. And when he wasn't mourning, he was reciting to someone a heartfelt eulogy before flipping his coin to decide whether that person was to live or die. But at that moment, after listening to that love song, Harvey was feeling much more depressed than usual. He just wanted the feeling to go away. He had temporarily stopped working on the cupcakes and looked over at the tray of delicious looking sweets.
Harvey: Should I?
There was still one tray that they had not put the fear toxin into and those baked goods just seemed to entice him. That sweet, sweet scent and that promise of sugary warmth. But…no! They were Crane's baked goods. He pulled out his coin. He wasn't going to be able to decide on his own…
Flip.
Back at the grocery store.
The shopping cart was filled with everything that Crane needed to finish his fear baking. The Joker and Scarecrow were just about to escape with their cart of stolen groceries when suddenly they heard the distant sound of police sirens. Within a matter of minutes their getaway route was blockaded.
Scarecrow: Joker! Look what you did! Were you not expecting the police to arrive? We're surrounded and trapped in this store!
Joker: Relax, there is always an escape.
Scarecrow: Oh really? Fine, I'd like to see you find it.
Joker: Fine! I will! First off…
The Joker suddenly turned towards the people who were still cowering in the store.
Joker: Consider yourselves hostages. If any of you try to escape, you all die.
Scarecrow: Threats are not going to get us out of here.
Joker: I don't see you thinking of an escape.
Scarecrow looks around desperately looking for a means of escape. There was no way he was going to be caught and sent to Arkham again. No, not after he was so deep into his current plan. There were too many cops outside to be taken out with just a gun and a canister of fear toxin. No…looks like they were going to have to make a run for it. Then, Scarecrow noticed the large exit in the back. This was going to be interesting…
Back at Crane's apartment.
Heads.
Harvey picked up the tray of cupcakes and cookies. He turned off the lights and sat on the couch. He picked up a cupcake and stuffed it into his mouth.
Harvey: One…(picks up another) two…three…
Back at the grocery store.
It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and the air was filled with the laughs of the Joker and shrieks from Crane as they burst out from the back store of the grocery. They had ordered the hostages to push their cart and now the two villains were racing down the busy street, Crane at the back pushing the cart along with one leg and the Joker sitting in the cart with all the groceries. Oh boy. The Joker laughed as the wind rushed passed them and the cars swiveled away to avoid hitting the two maniacs in the shopping cart.
Joker: Faster Scarecrow! We don't want the cops catching up to us!
Scarecrow: (panting) You want to try pushing this cart?
Joker: I see cop cars gaining on us! I think they found us!
Scarecrow: Tell me something I don't know!
Joker: Did you know that there's a large downward slope up ahead?
Scarecrow: WHAT?!
And suddenly the shopping cart was racing down the steep hill faster and faster and faster! Crane was yelling as they rushed down at incoming traffic and the Joker merely laughed as the air stung his face. The police cars became distant…and the brick wall at the end of the escarpment became closer.
Scarecrow/Joker: WALL!!!!!!!!
The cart collided head on with the wall and both the Joker and Scarecrow were thrown off. Ouch.
Back at Crane's apartment.
Harvey: …fifteen…sixteen…seventeen…eighteen…
Back with the Joker and Scarecrow.
Scarecrow: Owwwwwwww…I think I broke a rib…
Joker: (jumping/stumbling to his feet) Wow! Was that fun or what!
Scarecriw: I am never ever going with you on a crime spree ever again.
Joker: That was hardly a spree. I say we should do this more often! And it looks like we lost them.
Scarecrow: Oww…I feel terrible. Quick, we need to get out of here. Let's get the groceries and run back to my place.
The Joker and Crane picked up all of the groceries that had been scattered and rushed back to Crane's apartment before the cops found them. So after that amazing, daring, high-speed escape, the Joker and Crane returned to the apartment carrying the groceries.
Crane: No matter how much you try to convince me, I am never going to assist you in a crime ever again.
Joker: AHAHAHA! Was the Scarecrow scared of a little excitement?
Crane: No, it's just that—Harvey!!
But as Crane entered his dark apartment, he saw emo Harvey sitting on the couch stuffing cupcake after cupcake into his mouth.
Crane: HARVEY!!!!! What do you think you're doing?!
Harvey: Fuck off Crane! I'm comfort eating!
Crane: These are fear cupcakes, not comfort cupcakes!
Harvey: You don't know what I'm going through! You've never loved! You have no soul!
Crane whipped off his mask and threw it aside as he quickly lunged at Harvey.
Crane: Leave my baked goods alone!!
Crane and Harvey struggled against each other but Harvey was easily able to push off Crane. Jonathan fell flat on the floor and suddenly his attention was turned towards the kitchen.
Crane: Harvey…have you been watching the cupcakes baking in the oven?
Harvey: Err…um, of course I have…
Crane: Then why is my oven on fire?!
Everyone: GASP!!!
The three of them run into the kitchen. The flames are flying out of the oven and the heat is overwhelming. How did they not notice this before? Crane grabbed a towel and tried to beat the flames, the Joker laughed and giggled uselessly, and Harvey hid in the background because the fire brought back bad memories of that certain long ago incident with his face.
Crane: STOP STANDING THERE AND HELP ME!!! SAVE THE PASTRIES!!!
Joker: Stand back!! I found something to eat the flames with!! AH-HAH!!
The Joker jumps in heroically and fights the fire. That's when Crane realizes exactly what it was that the Joker with hitting the flames with. Crane grabs the Joker from behind and tries to pull him back.
Crane: JOKER YOU IDIOT! THAT'S MY MASK!!! LET GO OF MY MASK!!
Joker: Let go?
The Joker lets go of the mask and it falls into the fire. Crane shrieks wildly.
Harvey: Take this you blasted fire!!! This is for burning my face!!
Harvey to the rescueeee! He jumps between them with a fire extinguisher in hand and fires. Before they know it, all three of them are stumbling through the white foam of the extinguisher. Apparently inefficiency is a villain trait.
Twenty minutes later…
The three of them were sitting in the living room in silence. Harvey lay passed out on the couch from his sugar crash (that's what cupcakes do to you, man), the Joker was shaking the wrapped presents trying to guess what was inside, and Crane was rolling around on the floor moaning and groaning.
Crane: Auggggggghhhhhhh…whhhhyyyy….
Joker: You need to cheer up Doc. You know, laughter is the best medicine!
Crane: This is not a laughing matter. My kitchen, my fear pastries, and my MASK are destroyed!!!
Joker: What do you mean? Your mask is still okay.
Crane: (lifts the charred and now falling apart mask)
Joker: Oh. Well look on the bright side!
Crane: (groans) What bright side?
Joker: Now you can finally get yourself a new mask! Better yet, how about you try something in a fully different direction, hmm? Wearing a bag over your head is just not cutting it. Keep up with the trends!
Harvey: (slowly waking up) Uuuuuugh…I feel sick. What happened?
Crane: You ate my creations, set my kitchen on fire, attacked us with a fire extinguisher in a crazy sugar fit, and finally you passed out on the couch.
Harvey: Wow. I did all that? I'm the coolest person that ever lived.
Joker: What's even more impressive is that you did it all in under thirty minutes! HAHAHA!
Crane: This is the worst Christmas ever. This is exactly why I did not want you two here. You always find a way to mess my schemes up.
Joker: Come on Squarecrow, it's the holidays! SMILE!
Crane: I'm not in the mood to smile.
Harvey: How about we open presents? Maybe that will cheer you up.
Crane: Presents? You mean, you all bought gifts?
Joker: Nooooooo, you see, Harvey and I just like to wrap random boxes in pretty Christmas paper. It's a new holiday hobby of ours! (throws Crane a present)
Crane: For me? I'm…not sure what to say.
Joker: Normal people follow by showing gratitude. You know, a thank you maybe?
Crane: What a shame. I don't think any of us would fall under the category of normal people.
Crane unwraps the presents only to reveal a brightly colored box with a handle at the side. He cranks the handle and…….POP!
Joker: HAHAHA-HAHA-HEHEHEHE-HA!
A little jester pops out of the jack-in-the-box starling Crane. Crane falls backwards and drops the box.
Joker: SURPRISE!
Crane: (getting back up) Gee thanks Joker. Oh and look…the little Jack is holding a knife in its hand.
Joker: Something for you to always remember me by.
Crane: Huh, I didn't know homicidal clown freaks were also sentimental gift givers.
Harvey: MINE NEXT! MINE NEXT! (throws Crane another gift)
Crane: Thank you Harvey.
Joker: Oh Mr. Crispy Face gets a thank you and I get an insult. I see how it is Crane.
Crane: I don't have to worry that Mr. Crispy Face will try and kill me at any moment he pleases.
Harvey: Hey! I'm insulted! I am just and dangerous and deadly as the Joker! People have a reason to be scared of me also.
The Joker and Crane exchange a glance and laugh. Harvey drops his head in shame and sheds a tear. No one ever takes him seriously.
Crane: (unwrapping the gift) It's a…….sweater vest?
Harvey: Tah-Dah! We all know how much you love your sweater vests!
Crane: Isn't that what you got me last year? And the year before that? And for my birthday too.
Harvey: …….Fine then don't accept my gift! I hate your sweater vests anyways!
Harvey snatches the sweater vest away.
Crane: Wait, and isn't that just one of my sweaters I let you borrow one night when you needed something to wear…and you never returned it?
Harvey: Okay. Okay. Let's not get into specifics about this. Is a sweater really worth throwing a fit about?
Crane: (snatching the vest back) Give me that back!!
Joker: Seeeeee Crane. Don't you feel a lot better? Do you feel the warm holiday spirit filling you?
Crane: Not particularly no. This is still the worst Christmas ever. I mean, even my mask was destroyed. I have a reason to be miserable.
Joker: Well maybe this one last gift will cheer you up. Both me and Harvey boy here collaborated on it.
Harvey: It took hours of long thinking and searching.
Crane: Oh no, you two collaborating? This can't be good…
The Joker hands Crane one last gift. He opens it very cautiously so that nothing will pop out possibly stabbing him, shooting him, or imposing any sort of bodily harm. But…wait! Could this be? Crane opens the gift and wrapped inside is an exact replica of his mask. An absolutely perfect copy, looking great and ready to use.
Joker/Harvey: SURPRISE!!!
Crane: I…I can't believe it! It's perfect! I…don't know what to say.
And for the first time in a long time, Dr. Jonathan Crane could genuinely say that he was happy to be acquainted with two psychos like the Joker and Two-Face. Jonathan was actually in the holiday spirit!
Joker: We stitched it together ourselves.
Harvey: Yeah so enjoy it!!
Joker: Go on…TRY IT ON!
And so Crane smiled and put on the new mask excitedly.
Crane: Fits perfectly and…hey wait…I can't see through this. I think you forgot to cut the eye holes. (tries pulling it off) Wait…IT WON'T COME OFF! Why can't I take this off?!
Crane can hear the Joker and Harvey laughing. What have they done?!
Harvey: Yeah, those are the wonders of super glue.
Crane: Super glue?! I HATE YOU BOTH!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT FOR ONCE YOU WERE BEING NICE!
Joker: Nice? Mua? Oh Crane. How long have you known me?
Crane struggles to rip off the mask to no avail so instead he jumps up and blindly reaches out to get a hold of his two enemies. The Joker and Harvey get up and run to door together still laughing.
Joker/Harvey: MERRY CHRISTMAS CRANE!!!!!
They run out the door and into the winter night. Jonathan collapses on the couch.
Crane: Yeah…Merry Christmas.
The End. Thanks for reading!