"Cake, clothesline him!"
Spidering her way across the scorched and patchy landscape, Cake stretched herself in front of the barracuda-dragon's path and wrapped her long, rubbery legs around an outstretched tree limb, then flung her upper body over to an outcropping rock formation in the opposite cliff wall. The beast caught itself just below the chin on Cake's stomach as its feet kept moving forward, sliding out from underneath, toppling it to the ground on its back.
As it writhed and screeched and sneezed out tiny fireballs, Fionna came dashing up from the rear, sword in the air. Teeth grinding sharply, she deftly sidestepped the onslaught of rogue flames and thrust her sword into the beast's forehead. After a vicious snarl and a scream, its voice died away, leaving only the charred scent of burnt grass, a ringing in the ears, and a layer of soot that covered the entirety of the land, save for one small pineapple tree tucked away in an isolated pocket behind the cliffs that would thousands of years later serve as a religious totem for a tribe of clay goblins.
One by one, small, squishy pig heads peeked up from behind boulders and tree trunks to survey the scene. Soon the body of the behemoth was surrounded by curious little piglets, no longer under siege. A particularly fat piglet with a circlet of twigs adorning her head approached Fionna, who was now collapsed on her bottom, fanning herself by flapping the hem of her shirt.
"Monster is dead?" she asked in a greasy voice.
Fionna leaned forward poked the dragon's face with the foot. She stuck her fingers in his nose and plucked an eyelash for good measure. All that eliciting no response, she nodded. "Yup, this guy's croaked like a bull toad."
The pig leader grunted and raised Fionna's hand. "Monster-killer!" she shouted triumphantly. The smaller pigs erupted in a chorus of squealing and began twirling in dances around the heroes.
"Woo, look at those little potbellies go!" Cake exclaimed, winding herself back up and sidling over beside her companion. "Forget the reward girl, this little jig is worth every bit of that fight!"
Fionna smiled, but didn't get up. She was exhausted. Rightfully so, after a two-hour battle with a barracuda-dragon twice her size. She continued fanning herself, watching the spinning swine lose their grass skirts in mid-turn.
"Eat now!" The lead pig commanded, pointing to the beast's limp body. A sea of pigs stopped dancing and swarmed around the creature, wriggling their grubby hooves beneath the loose folds of skin and heaving with a might unfitting of the tiny squeaking sounds coming from their mouths as they did.
Fionna had to laugh at this part. She'd always loved the Piggamees for being adorable and pink, but it was their uncharacteristic strength and primitive tribal customs that really won her over. Watching tiny piglets in grass skirts work together to lift a monster off the ground and carry it back to their village was a sight that could always put a smile on her face.
The little Piggamees worked quickly, effortlessly slicing the beast into smaller and smaller slabs with their razor-edge rock knives, then skewering each slab to be cooked over an open flame. Fionna's stomach roared to life as the smell of frying meat began pervading her senses. After a long battle, the aroma of food would always stir the ravenous beast inside her. She tried to push it out of her mind by cleaning herself up a bit.
When she rejoined the crowd, its population had more than doubled, now filled with many different creatures from neighboring islands and distant corners of this one. Music meandered through the air. Piggamees danced and juggled fruit and kissed each other's noses joyously. A stilt-legged goose carried children on its back through the sea of party-goers. This was a full-on celebration now.
On seeing Fionna, the chief awkwardly rose from her chair, chin dripping with meat dressings and corn juice, and pulled her over to the chair beside her. "Hero, eat! Victory of monster, show strong!"
The table itself was piled high with dragon steaks, fruits and dressings, a myriad of seafood delights, and tangy, bubbly drinks. Fionna licked her lips and failed to notice that she had been piling her plate with everything her eyes ran across on their journey down the table until they returned back to it at the end. The moment she saw it was the moment the food was already in her mouth. She looked up at Cake, sitting across from her, laughing.
"You're such a little pig, Fi!" she chuckled in between bites. "You fit in so well here!"
The chief slammed her hand on the table in assent. "Yes! Tonight, you pig!" She slapped Fionna on the shoulder in congratulation.
"I'm pig?" Fionna asked, straining to pause from chewing for a moment.
"You fight strong! Good heart! Brave like pig!"
"Oh. Yeah, pig. Of course!" She resumed feeding the beast within.
Cake leaned back and patted her stomach. "I'm gonna need to stop, girl. This stuff's puttin me right to sleep! I can't keep up with you, anyway."
"Mo wum cam keef uf wif me," Fionna responded, swallowing a mouthful and immediately replenishing it. "Ama mafeen!"
"I'm a machine too," Cake yawned. "A dream machine. I'm takin' a nap. Wake me up when you're ready to go, okay?"
Fionna burped in response. Cake smiled and reclined further back in her chair and shut her eyes, drifting to sleep as the band struck up another playful song.
Away from the table, creatures and people of all sizes were forming a line and swaying to the rhythm of the music, all destined to pass beneath a limbo bar at the end. Fionna swiveled around in her seat to watch the action, munching happily on a pineapple-soaked slab of dragon meat.
Wait a minute.
She squinted against the torchlight, trying to get a better view. That...couldn't be. No way.
She rose to her feet, swallowing the last of what was on her plate. The figure in question was jerking along just like the rest of the crowd, but, even silhouetted, seemed eerily familiar. Fionna cupped her hands around her eyes and concentrated her beam of vision as the figure delicately ducked beneath the bar, upper body shaking in perfect time to the music. When the head came up and whirled around to get back in line, she saw it.
That fluffy, billowing hair. That pale, ethereal skin. The glint of the golden tiara. And that big, bouncing, bubbly buttocks.
"Oh GLOB, what is SHE doing here?"
The chief pig glanced over and shrugged. "Party guests! Dance good!"
"No," Fionna tossed her plate back on to the table. "I mean, what is she DOING here?"
She stormed across the dance floor to the figure in question, who was presently engaged in hip-bumping a fat lizard man. "What the nuts, Ice Queen?"
The queen spun around and her face lit up cordially. "Fionna, darling! You're at this party too? Oh, come here, girl!" She moved forward, arms open to greet her.
"Wha-back off, you!" Fionna slapped the queen's hands away.
"What?" Ice Queen seemed genuinely confused. "What's wrong?"
"Seriously," Fionna said with an exaggerated hand wave. "Why the crumb are you always following me everywhere?"
The queen frowned. "What following? I'm on vacation, see!" She gestured to her outfit, presently composed of a bikini top with a lei of flowers dangling from her neck and a slightly-askew grass skirt.
"Vacation?" Fionna snorted, eyeing the queen up and down and noting the bandage over her nose from their last encounter. "What kind of queen takes a vacation?"
The queen dragged her out of the way of the oncoming dancers, not missing a beat. "I do. If Gertrude thinks she can handle my queendom on her own, let her go ahead and try. She's probably in the kitchen right now, crying over an ice cream tummyache...".
Fionna opened her mouth to respond, but hesitated. How do you respond to that? More importantly, what's her deal? Why is she here? Something isn't right. Ice Queens don't just take vacations and happen to show up at a party in your honor by coincidence. No way. She frowned, swishing the thought around in her mind.
Ice Queen lifted the girl's chin up with one finger. "What's with that look, now? Why are you so angry? This is a party!"
Fionna pulled away. "...you're up to something. I know you are!"
The queen giggled. "Yeah, up to my eyebrows in delicious food and shirtless babes!" She gestured to a water sprite couple at the front the limbo line, raising her eyebrows suggestively.
"No!" Fionna stamped a foot. "You're totally up to something EVIL!" Her mind raced for a moment, searching for something, anything that might explain the queen's presence. "It was YOU who sent that barracuda-dragon, wasn't it?"
"What dragon? I've been on the other island!"
"Yeah, so you'd be safe from all the fire, right, miss melty?"
"You know, I did notice the ground looked a little razed by fire when I arrived. I wondered what was up with that."
"Just admit it!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Ice Queen said, chill air flowing from her mouth and washing over Fionna's inches-away face. "But you're starting to crackle my candies. Lay off, lighten up, and live it down!"
With that, she sashayed her way back on to the dance floor, from which the limbo bar had now been cleared, and began once again shaking her hips quite vigorously, dancing with a water nymph girl. Fionna grumbled and watched her from the sidelines.
She's not telling me something, I know it. She's got some ulterior motives. Her skirt is falling down. She's just messing with me, because she knows I hate that. She's doing it just to annoy me! Dude, I can see your butt crease, pull that skirt back up. Maybe she really is just on vacation. She's weird enough to do something like that. Oh glob, is she not wearing anything under that skirt?
Fionna snapped back to attention when the queen invited a shy-looking root spirit boy to dance with her. She took him by the wrist and dragged him into the dance ring, even though he seemed extremely hesitant. Ice Queen encouraged him though, and lead him in her hip-swiveling dance. Fionna's hand subconsciously tightened.
She watched as the queen led him around in circles, feet moving deftly, grass skirt rising and whirling and falling and being hiked up again. He kept holding his hands up and awkwardly shifting from side to side, claiming he didn't know how to dance. Ice Queen persisted though, trailing her finger down his arm, wrapping her arms around him from behind, trying to start him up with a bump. This is getting disgusting, she thought angrily.
...wait, why am I so angry about this?, asked a tiny voice in the back of her mind. Because Ice Queen is a predator, and she's totally about to make a move on this poor dude.
Precisely on cue, the root boy sidestepped the queen and tried to mingle back in with the crowd. He was caught by the wrist though, and his captor quickly conjured up a small pair of ice shackles, bound him, and pulled him back into the ring, all without skipping a beat in the song. That did it.
As she danced, bringing her body too close for the root boy's comfort, Fionna flew in and rammed her shoulder into the queen's, knocking her aside. "Enough!"
Ice Queen stumbled, but caught her balance and stood up straight. "Fionna! Really, now! What's the matter with you?"
The girl pointed, her finger making contact with the tip of Ice Queen's bandaged nose. "You're totally messing this guy up, ya butt!"
The queen shrugged, remarking "I'm showing him a good time. He just doesn't know how to respond yet, because he's just a cutie coy boy." She winked at the boy, who turned away, fidgeting with the shackles, trying to escape.
"Cram that!" she shouted over the music, drawing her sword.
Ice Queen raised her hands. "Whoa, there. Chill out, girl. No one's getting hurt here. Just harmless fun."
Fionna took a fighting stance. "If you don't back off, someone IS getting hurt. Someone named Ice Queen!"
"Fionna, you need to stop!" The queen said, shifting into her decreeing voice.
"Then stop me!" Fionna said, taking a swing.
The queen ducked and hopped to the side, the crowd of people parting to make room for her. She hadn't noticed them forming a circle around her and Fionna until just now. The root boy was nowhere to be seen, probably disappeared into the sea of people.
Well then, she thought, a smile slithering across her face. Perhaps a show is in order...
The blade swung around again, but this time was met with a clang of resistance from the ice sword the queen had just produced from thin air. The crowd gasped and took another step back as the queen twisted away, raised the sword high, and motioned for Fionna to come at her.
Knowing a cue when they saw one, the band changed to a minor key and struck up a war dance song. Ice Queen tapped her foot to the rhythm of the big drum, pulling herself in sync with the music. Fionna charged forward, completely out-of-sync.
CLANG!
Tiny shards of ice scattered in every direction every time the swords met. Feet shuffled, shoulders swayed, spines curved. With every clash, Ice Queen quickly resurfaced her blade, keeping it pristine as Fionna's crystal sword, all while never losing the rhythm of the music.
Fionna became more infuriated with every strike. Ice Queen was barely fighting back at all, just dodging and blocking. She could hear the tiny voice in the back of her mind asking why she was so angry. She shook her head and made another wild lunge forward.
Breathing hard but still dancing nonetheless, the queen grinned and ventured, "Why so violent tonight, Fionna?"
Another swing and miss. "You were totally about to jack that poor dude up! I'm using violence for justice, cause heroes have to do that!"
Ice Queen's heart pumped faster. "You're a hero, eh? A hero to whom? A stranger you don't even know?"
"Any stranger who's in danger! That's a hero's creed!"
The queen shrugged and donned a nonchalant expression, letting the music control her movements automatically as she continued the fight. "That boy wasn't in any danger. I wasn't going to hurt him."
That indifference only enraged Fionna even more. On the next clash, she pushed her full weight on the handle of her sword, forcing the queen to kneel, her sword over her head. "You were totally going to hurt him! You put handcuffs on his wrists!"
"Not important," the queen said dismissively as the music accordingly toned a bit lower. "More important is this...I'M the one in danger now."
"What?"
The queen lowered her voice to match the now subdued intensity of the song. "You're swinging that sword like a mad woman. You've gone loco in the coco, girl. I could really get hurt here...".
Fionna glared down at her. "You won't get hurt. You haven't even taken a hit yet!"
Ice Queen's face slipped into something more concerned, almost fearful. "Don't hurt me, Fionna...I don't want to get hurt on my vacation. We may not be friends, but that doesn't mean you have to hurt me, right?"
Fionna hesitated, still holding the queen down.
"Please...stop this," the queen spoke softly now. "I'm a stranger, and I'm in danger. Save me, hero. Save me from yourself."
Fionna's chin trembled as she continued glaring down into the queen's pleading eyes. The crowd dropped away from her field of vision, the music faded into a whisper. What to do, what to do?
"You're...you're just trying to mess with my head!"
She redoubled her strength, bearing down hard. The queen ducked and rolled out from beneath her, skirt dangling halfway down her thick thighs.
Oh glob, she WASN'T wearing anything under it.
The queen yanked the skirt back into place and huffed. The crowd was awkwardly hushed, unsure if they should be laughing or not. The music slowly started rebounding to its former volume, cuing her next move.
With a toothy grin, she held the blade out and arm's length and spun around, nearly slicing several imminent faces in the crowd. That certainly got Fionna's attention.
Tapped directly into her own adrenaline, Fionna jumped in with incredible swiftness, deflected the queen's swing and threw her to the floor. She came down with a hard thrust, barely missing her target as she rolled away and backed herself against the wall.
Again Fionna bore down on her, pushing with all of her weight. "I knew you were up to something! You almost cut someone!"
Ice Queen noticed she wasn't really listening to Fionna as she resisted the impending crystal sword. She was shouting something. The queen focused her eyes on her enemy's. She could feel her heart pulsing harder than ever, pounding to get out of her chest.
"I must say Fionna, I'm starting to like this side of you," she said, grinning as the sword inched closer and closer to her face. "There's a searing rage just behind your eyes. I can see it...like a flame, burning...".
"Shut it, witch. No more saying weird junk!"
"It's quite beautiful actually," Ice Queen continued, her cold breath rising up and wrapping itself around Fionna's face like a shawl. "The fire in your heart burns brightly, all the way up through the windows to your soul, your eyes. It's a wonder you aren't sweating Fionna, that fire must make you so...so hot...".
With an abrupt flick of the wrist, the queen deflected Fionna's sword and sent it smashing into the wall, causing Fionna herself to fall forward. In that split-second, Ice Queen took Fionna by the cheeks, guiding her face right up to her own, and meeting her lips up close and personal.
The entire room went silent. Everything but the two of them turned into a vague, bluish-grey blur. Hours must have passed. For that moment, the entire world was frozen like the queen's own pale skin.
Sputtering, Fionna squirmed and pulled herself away, spitting and coughing the wintry air out of mouth. Her lips tingled like she'd just eaten ice cream. She dropped her sword, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and then stared back at her enemy, who was leaning against the wall, arms loosely at her sides, smiling ambiguously.
After a moment, Fionna picked her sword up again. "What...what are you grinning about?"
"Your lips," Ice Queen said as she licked her own. "They taste a bit like pineapple."
There was a pause. "Wait...you...you actually ENJOYED that? Ugh, that is GROSS, lady! Gross, gross, gross!"
Fionna glanced around the room to see that the party-goers were all watching her and the queen expectantly. She put a hand to her lips. Still cold.
"Well?" Ice Queen ventured.
"...well what?"
"Aren't you going to tell me what MY lips tasted like?" That grin again...
"AUEUGHAGH, what is this?" Fionna threw her hands in the air and shifted her weight from foot to foot. "You're disgusting, Ice Queen!"
The queen put one hand on her hip and corked an eyebrow. "You think THAT's bad, wait and see what'll happen if you stick around...".
For a moment, Fionna hung limply, a bastard expression of confusion, suspicion and embarrassment plastered on her blushing face. Her eyes darted left, then right, then back to Ice Queen's ever-present grin. A few syllables sputtered out of her mouth. That grin...
Finally, she raised her hands in surrender. "Plop this, I'm leaving. Right now." She pointed her sword at the queen. "Ice Queen, if I hear you cause ANY trouble after I leave, I'm seriously going to cut your head off and make a mask out of it."
She slugged off toward the table and bopped Cake on the head. "Get up Cake, we're leaving."
Cake woke up with a start, flailing her arms for a moment, then yawned and wrapped herself around Fionna's shoulders like a second backpack. With one final sweep of the still-silent room, Fionna stormed off, heading back toward the docks, her mind racing and confused and angry. Always so angry...
Why, though?, wondered the little voice...
The moment she left, Ice Queen tossed back her hair, readjusted her grass skirt for the umpteenth time, and signaled the band. "From the top, boys! Woooo!"
Everyone but the queen danced a little more conservatively the remainder of the party.
And far off in the distant mountains of frozen Ice Kingdom, a lone penguin voice cried out in discomfort from overindulgence on chocolate ice cream...