The silence wasn't even perturbed by the usual drone of Fionna's snoring, completely absent tonight. The girl was sleeping one of the soundest sleeps she'd had in weeks, truth be told. She was curled up like a baby within her sleeping bag, a puddle of saliva building up beside her slack lips.
The setting couldn't have been more still. Time didn't even seem to flow. Without any noticeable occurrences to measure it by, time may as well not have even existed at all. Nothing but soundless stillness, the lack of anything to disturb a picture perfect moment.
Pristine silence.
CRACK! SNAP! CRASH!
The air was full of splinters and a chilling burst of nighttime air flooded the bedroom. Fionna and Cake both bolted upright with a shout to see that familiar frosting-on-a-cupcake silhouette of the Ice Queen standing in front of the moon in the enormous hole now occupying the center of the treehouse wall.
"Ice Queen! Finally!" Fionna wormed her way out of the sleeping bag and dove for her sword on the floor as the queen flew into the center of the room, snow billowing and pillowing around her.
"Can't see anything, Fi! I'm snowblind!" Cake began lashing out wildly with her claw hands, squinting against the onslaught of flakes. She was sure she could see the queen's hair flapping around. Maybe that was the blanket being torn off the bed. She pushed toward it, slicing and slashing recklessly.
Wind howled in her ears as she very suddenly found her nose inches from the Queen's extended hand. She opened her mouth to yell and started choking as the ice magic poured straight down her throat, filling her innards with heavy, wet snow. She collapsed to the floor, hacking and clawing the carpet frantically.
Fionna wasn't faring any better. The swirling snowflakes whipped into her face, stinging her eyes and cold-burning her flesh. It hurt to breathe. She thought she heard scuffling sounds coming from Cake's side of the room, but everything was drowning in the omnipresent wind.
After a few wild arcs, the sword finally struck something and wouldn't budge. The snow began to die away bit by bit, only to reveal the Ice Queen with the blade stopped between her palms. With an overpowering twist, she wrenched it from Fionna's grip and encased it in a layer of thick ice before smashing it into the wall. The girl froze in a moment of disbelief as tiny ice particles rained on the two of them, and scowled as the queen casually brushed them off her shoulders. She balled her hand into a fist and swung hard, aiming to knock the queen's teeth out.
Unblinking, Ice Queen caught the hand and slowly lowered it, squeezing tight, her claw-like fingers digging into the skin. Her teeth clenched together and frosty clouds puffed out from her nostrils. Her free hand shot forward and grabbed Fionna by the neck. She slammed her against the wall behind, then brought her face in too close for comfort.
Fionna struggled fruitlessly as the Queen lowered her eyes into narrow slits and bared her sharp teeth, growling softly. Fionna returned the growl and arched her back, trying to push her way forward. Her breasts made contact with her foe's. Ice Queen stopped growling, then lunged forward for a kiss.
Fionna's whole body went taut. Freezing cold air pumped its way into her mouth. The hand released her fist and instead trailed its way up her spine, under her nightshirt. She couldn't move. Her brain screamed, insisting she FIGHT, drop away and kick the queen in the crotch. But her legs wouldn't respond. The cold air was slowly sliding its way down her throat and into her guts as she felt an equally cold tongue slither its way over her own.
Cake...what had happened to Cake? She couldn't see past the queen's deeply pleased visage. The rest of the treehouse simply dropped away as the freezing feeling invaded her body further, settling in her stomach. Ice Queen pressed herself closer still, hands roaming up and down Fionna's unresponsive body. The sheer cold was nearly unbearable. She couldn't breathe. Her face was turning blue, though whether from drop in temperature or lack of breath she couldn't tell. Her vision blurred, and the feeling of the queen's fingers on her thigh were the last thing she felt before the numbness took over.
She passed out.
Or rather, she woke up.
Her breath was heavy and inconsistent. She put a hand to her chest and felt her heart drumming. Slow down now...
She wiped the cold sweat from her forehead and surveyed the room around her. No broken walls. No snow on the floor. Cake was tightly coiled up in her drawer, purring warmly. She herself was buried under a mountain of blankets. Why was she so cold, then?
The window hung open lazily, a tickle of a breeze wafting into the room. That must have been it. Not Ice Queen...
Dragging her feet, Fionna trudged over to the window and pushed it closed with one finger. The star-studded sky was noticeably shimmering from the bright light of the naked moon. The moment she laid back down on the bed, she realized why she'd woken up. Moonbeams were piercing right through the window into her eyes. She flipped herself over and tried to settle back into sleep.
Her mind began replaying the dream scene.
NO.
She sat up and rested her head in her hands. This is becoming a very serious problem. I can't even sleep now without her crawling all over my brains. Ugh.
I need to do something about this. I need to fight this problem. I need to beat it into submission. But how can you fight something in your brain?
I could just beat my brain with my fist until it stops thinking of Ice Queen...
That would kinda suck, though.
She sighed loudly. Why is this MY problem? This whole thing is Ice Queen's fault. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be up all night! If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be so angry and confused. If it wasn't for her, life would still be like it used to be!
If it wasn't for her...I still wouldn't have my first kiss.
Running her finger over her lips, she revisited the scene at the Piggamee party. The first time she'd ever felt sensual contact was with her own mortal enemy. How lucky...
She hadn't even given a passing thought to romance before the Ice Queen debacle. It had had no impact whatsoever on her thoughts. But thanks to the queen's sudden and unexpected behavior, she now found herself pondering what could have been.
If it wasn't for Ice Queen, my first kiss could have been with someone I actually like! Not some jacked-up crazy freezer witch from the middle of nowhere.
Who would it have been, then?
Well, probably not Prince Gumball. He's my bud. We're like bros. Sure, he asked me out once, but I think he was just being a prince back then. He doesn't really LIKE-like me...does he? Well it doesn't matter, because I don't like-like him. He's just my bud.
What about Marshal? Marshal's a nice guy. And I've seen him dress up before...he looked freakin SHARP at Gumball's last party...of course, that was just so he could rip the arms off his suit during the concert. What a crazy guy.
But would I kiss him? I dunno. Maybe. Marshal's kinda my bud, too. I mean...he's good-looking and all, but I don't think I wanna kiss him. Maybe. I DON'T KNOW!
Who else is there to want to kiss? Princes? The Goblin Queen? Ugh. No.
AND WHY IS THIS EVEN IMPORTANT?
She paused, overwhelmed for a moment by the explosive silence left in lieu of her brain train of thought derailing.
I'm an adventurer. I fight monsters and unlock crystal shrines and pummel mud demons. I shouldn't have to worry about whose lips touch mine. That's mushy gushy stuff. Let Cake and Monochromicorn handle that. Give me the rough and tumble stuff instead!
She threw herself back on the bed with an exasperated groan. Sleep obviously wasn't coming tonight. She reached for her bunny hat and slipped it over her head. Things were always a bit clearer when she had a proper thinking cap on.
But still only the Ice Queen came to mind.
Look at her, always so smug. She's playing me like Cake's dulcimer. I just want to punch that stupid face until she falls apart and tells me what's going on.
She sat up. Maybe that's it, then. Maybe I need to talk to her. Sniff her out, pin her down, poke some holes in her gut until she spills the beans. Yeah, I'll spill her beans for her if she doesn't. She didn't notice the impish grin spread across her face as she thought this.
Right, I need to confront her, then. If she's not coming to me, then I'm coming to her. I won't be able to sleep until I do. And I LIKE sleep!
She glanced over at Cake, quietly purring in her sleep. Gotta do this quietly. Cake can't know about this...
As she silently changed from her red footie pajamas into a more adventure-friendly outfit, her mind skipped ahead a few chapters, playing her own version of the dream which replaced the kiss with something more painful and sharp.
"Sleep well, Cake..." she whispered softly, climbing up and out the window into the cool night air.
The night was still oddly silent. The usual crickets and fireflies and scavengers were keeping to themselves. Free of such distracions, Fionna's mind began wandering as she hustled off toward the familiar ice mountains on the horizon.
She's probably gonna try to mess with your head. Start babbling some really messed-up psycho junk. Don't listen to a thing she says. Make her say what you need to hear...unless that's also a bunch of psychoblabble. Plop, I can't trust ANYTHING she says...
She stopped, looking down at a lone bug, limping away on crutches at her feet. If everything she says is garbage, then why am I even going? What's the point if she's just gonna confuse me or mess me up?
...but I can't NOT talk to her. I'm already going insane. I have no choice. Just gonna have to knuckle down and smack some sense out of her!
Her resolve strengthened, she plunged forward again, coming to the border of the Ice Kingdom without further incident. The air was noticeably sharper here. Crisper. A familiar chill crept up the back of her legs. Good thing I thought to bring snow pants...
A light snow began falling. The mountains loomed overhead, blocking the moon from view. But the snowscape was still illuminated by moonbeams that bounced and reflected off the sheer icy surfaces of each impressive peak. In some places, they danced around, creating auroras and halos of dancing colors. A marvelous, nighttime-only sight that Fionna had never seen before. A cold shiver snapped her back to reality.
She tried to distract herself from the cold by thinking about other things. I thought it was spring already...still so cold out though. Must just be a long winter. A really long winter. Bet old Ice Queen Sundae's behind it...always doing stuff to make me madder. What a jerk.
The path up the moutainside became less and less apparent as the snow fell heavier. Fionna pulled a pair of frog mittens from her backpack and put them on, ready to begin the difficult part of the journey. Ice Queen's main cave was high above her. They'd already proven that even at her limit Cake couldn't stretch her way up there in one motion. The only way up now was a long, steep climb in the snow.
Grosh, it's cold up here...these mittens aren't helping much. Come on Fionna, try to ignore it. Think of something else. Think about why you're here. Think about what Ice Queen's gonna say when you show up on her doorstep, demanding answers.
I wonder what she'll even be up to, she mused as the mountain became more of a sheer cliff. What does she even do? Knit for her penguins? Make plans to invade the Candy Kingdom? Bake stuff? She clicked her heels together, ejecting small spikes from the soles and tips of her boots, then pulled a set of ice picks from her backpack, using them to climb upward.
It's hilarious. Here I am, adventurer extraordinaire, climbing the tallest ice mountain, alone, in the freezing cold...and the treasure at the top is probably going to end with another kiss from a creeper ice witch. How did this become my life?
The wind gusted around her, pelting her face with snow and fragments of ice. Her mitted fingers gripped tightly around the picks, quickly growing numb. She shivered and started climbing more hastily, ignoring the voice in the back of her head shouting at her to be more careful.
Nearly a half-hour later, she was finally hoisting herself onto the ledge at the mouth of Ice Queen's cave. She rolled on to her back, breath strained and teeth chattering. The wind was almost howling up here, and with it came a tempest of frenzied snow.
Can't stay here, she thought. Too cold...gonna die.
Weakly, she forced her body to crawl into the gaping mouth of the cave. Snow worked its way beneath her clothes, under her mittens and up beneath her coat, melting against her skin and threatening to refreeze on top of it. She couldn't release the picks from her brittle fingers.
With a final grunt, she threw herself into the shelter of the queen's drawing room. The smooth, polished walls rose for a good twenty or thirty feet, meeting at the top in a dome shape. The surface of the ice seemed to glow a faint blue color, almost as if alive. Aside from several ice carvings of penguins and polar bears along the walls, the room was vacant.
Fionna lay there collapsed on the floor for a few minutes, trying to normalize her breathing as feeling slowly drifted back into her face. The air was still cold here, but nothing like the blizzard outside. When she could at last move her fingers again, she released the ice picks and fumbled with getting her frosted mittens off. They had torn in several places, and some spots were smudged a deep maroon color. She checked her palms to find they had been cut and bruised in several spots.
With a loud sigh, she checked the rest of her body, noting all manner of bruises and scrapes, each one still numb to the touch. She decided to keep her mittens and hat off, hanging them on a polar bear statue to dry out.
Now, time for business.
Struggling to her feet, she managed to stand by using the statue for balance. "Ice Queen! Get out here!"
Her voice echoed and bounced off the walls, slightly drowned out by the snowstorm behind her. She waited a moment before following up with "Hey! Freezer-face!"
No response.
She gritted her teeth and took a wobbly step forward. The icy floor wasn't slick, like she'd expected. It felt like walking on dry glass, and made appropriate clinking sounds with each step.
Staggering into the hallway opposite the cave entrance, she called out a bit more softly, "...Ice Queen?"
The awkward drip-drip-drip of snow melting and falling from her hair was the only sound to be heard. She swallowed and peered around the corner, expecting an ambush. She was met with absolute stillness.
I've never even been this far into Ice Queen's house before...
She stepped into what appeared to be a living room, from which branched out another hallway and a door into the kitchen. This room was stocked with softly-glowing ice furniture: chairs, couches and tables. A desk sat in the corner, accompanied by stacks of paper and a quill pen.
Who in the world still uses a quill pen? She wondered.
Out of curiosity, she meandered over to the desk, eyes quite well adjusted to the low light of the ice now. The top piece of paper was covered in writing. Let's see here...
She read a few lines, then stopped, raising an eyebrow. Finn and Jake? Princess Bubblegum? Marceline? What...what is this? Is she writing some weird, backwards story about...us? Ugh, what a creep!
Click.
"Ice Queen!" Fionna drew her collapsible sword from her beltloop and stood ready.
Nobody there.
"Where are you, Frostbiter?" She beat her fist on the wall, slightly cringing in pain. Feeling's coming back...
"Come on out here, Ice Queen! I've got a punchline to deliver...to your face!"
Still no answer. She huffed and made her way down the narrow hall, pausing at the first doorway on her right. A tiny scraping sound emanated from behind the closed door. "Come on out of there!" she shouted, kicking it open on its icy hinges.
The bathroom. There was a scuffling noise coming from the bathtub. Fionna stormed forward and yanked the curtain aside. "How do YOU like being peeped at?"
A penguin stared back at her, wiggling around on its back. "...wenk."
Fionna glared at it for a minute, her lips twitching. "If this is some kind of sick game of hide and seek, it's NOT FUNNY!"
Her body started to ache, reminding her that it was worn out and in need of some serious sleep. She ignored it and swept her eyes across the room again, looking for that familiar silhouette.
On cue, the window blew open on its shutters, freezing wind pouring in. Fionna scrambled over to it, swinging her sword in wide arcs, yelling with each strike. Once she realized she was fighting wind and shadows, she dropped her arms to her sides, then closed and bolted the window.
The moonlight glinted off the mirror behind her. She turned to look, and her mouth fell open. She looked awful. Her hair was disheveled and tangled, and her whole upper body powdered in a fresh layer of snow. Her cheeks were red, and in some places nicked and cut. A chain of rips and tears ran down her coat. The blizzard had not been kind to her in the least.
All because I had to come out here. All because of Ice Queen.
She stared for a moment.
That's it, isn't it? She's playing me like a flute.
Her hands balled into fists.
She knew this would happen. She jacked me up without even touching me!
Her breathing quickened. She felt her temperature rise.
She's probably hiding somewhere in here, laughing it up right now!
"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WITCH?" she screamed, slamming her fist into the mirror.
The penguin jolted up out of the bathtub and skittered into the other corner of the room.
"Owowowow..." Fionna pulled her hand away and sat on the toilet just beside her. She looked from her bloodied knuckles up to the shattered mirror, and back. Then she trained her gaze on the penguin, who stared back uncertainly.
"Shut it, you. I know it's bad jujubes to break a mirror. But my whole biz right now can't get any badder than this...".
She tore a few strips of cloth from her undershirt and wrapped her hand up tightly. Whatever. This is nothing. I've been hurt worse than this.
She put her hands on her knees to get up, paused, then hiked her pants down to use the toilet before getting up and moving on again.
Before she had a chance to move further down the hallway, there was a cracking sound coming from the kitchen. She pursued it.
"Alright, you BUTT, let's have it out! RIGHT NOW!"
Another penguin turned to look at her. "Wenk?" It pulled its hand from an ice jar, gripping a cookie.
"...flop, she really doesn't keep an eye on you guys at all, does she?"
The penguin tilted its head and started munching on the cookie.
"Where's ya mama, ya dumb penguin?"
It looked at her and shrugged.
She leaned on the counter, body aching again. "You're stupid, ya know that?"
"Wenk, wonk, wenk," it replied, crumbs falling out of its mouth as it reached for another cookie.
She paused, then pushed the little thief aside and reached inside for one of her own. She tried to muse as she munched.
I don't get it...where is she hiding? Is she even here? Maybe I came in while she was out? Where would she even go? What do Ice Queens do besides being evil butts?
Her eyes met the penguin's. Could she be out prowling around? Prowling for princes?
Her heart started beating faster. That's probably it! She tried to lure me away into her house so she'd have a free shot at the prince! That's been her plan all along, hasn't it?
She dashed toward the drawing room to grab her things, ignoring the throbbing in her legs.
Cram it all, I shouldn't have come here tonight...I shouldn't have come! She's gonna get her filthy fingers on Gumball!
She hastily redressed herself with holey mittens and her damp bunny hat, only afterward thinking to check the condition of the weather outside. The blizzard was still raging as hard as ever, pummeling her face with blasts of frosty fury. Her body protested and sent her into a shivering fit as she slipped in the thick snow. It slid up the back of her coat and down her pants.
...I...I can't. I can't do it. This thing is too strong for me. I'll get lost out here. Lost in a blizzard...just like Cake did...
And then what? Would Ice Queen come and find me too, try to take care of me? If she really does like-like me, that's what she'd do...
But she doesn't! She's out kidnapping the prince, remember! She's not going to come and save me! She'll leave me out here to die!
Gathering what little reserves she could tap into, Fionna pushed herself back up and crawled back into the cave. She shook herself off like Cake might have, then took her clothes off and shook them out as well before redressing.
I'll just have to wait out this blizzard...it can't go on forever, right?
But...Gumball...how am I gonna save him?
She hung her hat and mittens back on the polar bear statue, listening to the drip-drip-drip sound over the roar of the wind outside.
Wait a minute...if she's kidnapping him, she'll probably bring him back here...
She looked down at her bandaged fist and flexed her fingers, noting that feeling was coming back again.
...and I'll be waiting for her. Right under her fat, dumb face.
She slipped back into the living room, where a cluster of penguins had gathered together on the bigger couch in a pile.
She stopped to look at their faces. They seemed so calm, even in her presence. Do these guys just have nothing to worry about at all? Ice Queen must take good care of them for them to keep hanging around...
She looked down. Another penguin bumped her leg, squirming past her to join the pile.
Cake was right...I really don't know Ice Queen at all...I don't even know for sure if she's out doing what I think she's doing. But whatever it is, she can't do it forever. She's gonna have to come back home eventually.
She sat down at the foot of the couch, sword falling out of her unresisting hand. I always thought she was a psycho who liked hurting people. I never even thought she might have feelings. That she might have pets, or friends, or crushes, or whatevers.
Her eyelids drooped along with the rest of her body. Well, if she wants to kiss me so bad, she can kiss my fist for all she's done to me. I'm gonna deck her halls...
She thought she felt something warm and squishy rub against her, but her eyes were too far closed for her to see what it was. She gave in to her body's demands and faded into sleep as the pile of penguins became a blanket all around her.
And for the first time in weeks, she slept, long and hard.